touch

abby (23, she/her) writing about my feelings in the middle of the night

[touchpoetry]

i want

just once

to be looked at

like i am the moon

in glorious awe

of the way i shine

even when i

am not at my

brightest

[touchpoetry]

“darling you might be a spark but i’m a full blown explosion and i’m not going to burn out just so i don't outshine you”

— unstoppable

[touchpoetry]

“dear autumn there’s something about the silver moon when she shows me her face that i cannot resist i am drawn to nowhere simply to be with her and i wonder about your romance the way you open the skies just so she can dance and the way she makes you shine on every tree i dream of loving someone the way you love her enough to stop the world just to watch her smile”

—

[touchpoetry]

i haven't been writing

for fear that when i began

i'd never be able to stop

but in my silence i found comfort

and a profound lack of criticism

that has spoken so much

reassurance to my heart

but my body keeps the score

when i do not speak her truth

she speaks it louder

until i can no longer ignore her

there were days i would have blamed her

for punishing me

simply because she has needs

i've said the words "my body hates me"

more times than i can count

but i know in truth

that it is i who hates her

not by my own valition

but through years of training

years of listening to the way women

tear their bodies apart

years of religion that fundamentally

called for abandoning my body

i have left her hanging and ignored

her quiet and gentle requests

until she has no choice but to be loud

you see she loves me far too much

to sit in silence while i suffer

she's endlessly gracious

and wildly forgiving

the only friend i was born with

and the last one i will wish farewell

as we dissolve back into the earth

she is an ancient beauty

guiding me with wisdom

her ancestors passed down

without ever speaking a word

drawing me to sweetness and richness

and softness and laughter

she is unparalleled in her patience

[touchpoetry]

“i could spend a thousand years with your hand in mine and still not get tired of the way your eyes shine when you laugh”

— your smile

[touchpoetry]

“know that when i tell you i love you i do not mean that i am fond of you or that i enjoy your company but that you’ve sparked a sunrise in my heart and i’ve been dancing in the rain ever since”

— i adore you

[touchpoetry]

“he’s watching the stars but i’m looking at him and i swear i’ve never seen anything shine so bright”

— orion

[touchpoetry]

with his arms around me

i feel impossibly little

engulfed in his safety

for a moment

totally free from thought

i trust him

and know that i

am truly loved

[touchpoetry]

i drive through the rain

a storm in my mind

brewing the worst thoughts

throwing the heaviest stones

trying its hardest to

kick down my progress

to crush my tender

young self confidence

and though the storm

rages behind my eyes

i must remember

i was born to be

a hurricane

[touchpoetry]

pranks

i remember weeks at camp, hiding under beds and hanging ribbons, trying to see who could get the biggest laugh. they're silly memories in the form of a painted plastic fork and half a torn up runaway note written by a mattress. they don't make much sense but the joy it stirs in me is indescribable. when was the last time i belonged somewhere the way i belonged there? without question or exception? fully and as myself? i do not know. but i'm beginning to understand that just because an oppressive system showed me love doesn't mean that is the only love i deserve. i am worthy, whether i fit their mold or not.

[touchpoetry]

i wanted to participate in today's #maymyselfandi but the word is Weight and as i sat and looked at it and turned it over in my head i couldn't finish a poem. none of my thoughts had endings. maybe because i have more thinking to do, or maybe because i'm not done learning and growing. i have given immense importance to how others see me and how my weight impacts that. i've let it drive me to the point of exhaustion and starvation based on my perception of other people judging my body. not based on other people's judgements, based on my expectations of what they will think. the enemy isn't them, it's me. it's my loathing of my own body that holds me back from being the most vibrant version of myself. this thought doesn't have an end, but hey, that wasn't the point!

[touchpoetry]

you make eggs the way

my dad taught me

when i was barely

tall enough to see

into the pan

and i'm coming to love

the mornings we spend

over toast and cards

wondering what you'll teach

our daughters

on sunday mornings

over dippy eggs

[touchpoetry]

her red lips are poised to speak

they know something you do not

but as they murmur across your body

you might begin to understand

[touchpoetry]

we sit in the doughnut shop

an hour before it closes

on a rainy sunday afternoon

my coffee is too sweet

and my dress is too short

but i'm laughing with you

and i can't imagine

being any happier

[touchpoetry]

we can't see the stars

in my city

the lights are too bright

and the sky is too cloudy

but i trust that they are there

shining for me on days

when i cannot see them

a reminder that i exist

even when i can't feel

where i end and begin again

[touchpoetry]

i feel like i've been running

trying to catch my breath

from something i can't see

but the moment i slow down

i hear it in my ear

threatening to drag me down

and by the time i recognize

the panting as my own

i've run so far from myself

i don't know where i am

running

[touchpoetry]

i looked over my shoulder

hoping to see you

only to feel the sinking

in my stomach remind me

that it's been two years

and i still forget

because the memory

of your laugh

is so vivid in my mind

i can't imagine this world

without you