Transparent Darkness 透明な闇

raw data.

[toumeina-yami]

I know I’m never on here anymore.

But I needed to announce this in semi-secret because of how excited and nervous and surprised I am.

I think I’m making an offer on a condo this week. If all goes as planned, I’m going to be a homeowner before my next birthday.

[toumeina-yami]

how was this a year ago?!

[toumeina-yami]

Loneliness and envy are really trying to take me out today.

[toumeina-yami]

I’m also wondering if I’m in a weird place about all this with Current Crush™️ because I saw DJ (read: the guy from CMB that I went on one date with, stopped talking to, and messaged like a year later stupidly hoping he’d remember and respond and we’d maybe try again) at an album recording concert a couple of days ago. He was singing BGVs, which makes sense because the recording artist is one of the pastors of his church. Since I knew that ahead of time, I’m not going to lie I was looking for him, expecting him to be in the audience. But seeing him on stage really caught me off guard.

Even though that date was 4 years ago, I knew it was him when I saw him smile.

And I think that affected me more than I wanted to admit at the time.

[toumeina-yami]

I’m not sure if this is me claiming sour grapes and giving up or me coming to my senses and growing, but as of right now I’m accepting that Current Crush™️ is either “no” or “not right now.”

I feel like I’ve been trying to keep a tiny flame alive against its will. Or playing tennis against myself. I don’t know if he’s not interested, socially anxious, busy, tired, or something else…but he doesn’t ask me questions, and at least over the past day or so he’s done very little to keep conversation going. I’ve left what I feel are subtle opportunities for him to do something with, but he’s done little of late. And I don’t really have anything else to say.

And instead of being in tears*, or mad about another unrequited something, or making it my fault that I was either too much or not enough…I’m just over it right now.

Like yeah it sucks and I’m back to asking when it’s going to be my turn and what’s the point of feeling things so intensely for no reason…but I don’t feel as devastated as I normally do.

I think the difference is that I really have been trying to ask God to guide and protect me, on a level and with an intention I’ve never had before.

God has been speaking to me about surrender and obedience lately. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what yet.

[toumeina-yami]

*The tears came as I was writing the original post. Not many, but some.

It’s not as soul-crushing as usual, though.

At least not yet.

Ask me tomorrow, especially since he’s singing on worship team at church, and I may feel COMPLETELY different about all of this.

[toumeina-yami]

I’m not sure if this is me claiming sour grapes and giving up or me coming to my senses and growing, but as of right now I’m accepting that Current Crush™️ is either “no” or “not right now.”

I feel like I’ve been trying to keep a tiny flame alive against its will. Or playing tennis against myself. I don’t know if he’s not interested, socially anxious, busy, tired, or something else…but he doesn’t ask me questions, and at least over the past day or so he’s done very little to keep conversation going. I’ve left what I feel are subtle opportunities for him to do something with, but he’s done little of late. And I don’t really have anything else to say.

And instead of being in tears*, or mad about another unrequited something, or making it my fault that I was either too much or not enough…I’m just over it right now.

Like yeah it sucks and I’m back to asking when it’s going to be my turn and what’s the point of feeling things so intensely for no reason…but I don’t feel as devastated as I normally do.

I think the difference is that I really have been trying to ask God to guide and protect me, on a level and with an intention I’ve never had before.

God has been speaking to me about surrender and obedience lately. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what yet.

[toumeina-yami]

A thought came to mind today about Current Crush™️:

Maybe the uncertainty isn’t that he’s not for you. Maybe it’s that he’s not ready for you.

I hope that’s the case, but I don’t know.

[toumeina-yami]

My brain was really rude to me last night.

Apparently I had a dream that the guy I’ve been kinda sorta talking to responded to my last message with a suggestion to hang out together sometime.

But I straight up didn’t realize it was a dream until I woke up and saw he hadn’t responded to my last message yet.

😒

[toumeina-yami]

I still exist, just rarely on Tumblr.

As I procrastinate on getting ready for work, I needed to put this feeling somewhere.

I met a guy at church.

One of my friends who met him at the same time (she is in a committed relationship so no concerns there), nudged me when we met him and started teasing me about how I should get to know him.

I realized that I do have a crush on him (cue loud sigh, “not again!”).

The friend Facebook stalked him for me.

Friend request accepted.

We started messaging periodically…the usual cadence, conversations initiated by me but also reciprocated fairly well.

I messaged him yesterday or the day before to comment on something he posted that really resonated with me (actually something that’s making me wonder if he also has ADHD that’s flown under the radar).

Even though there are so many logical reasons why he hasn’t responded, cue worries that I did too much or scared him away or ruined something that wasn’t even something.

I can tell myself “if that was enough to scare him, he doesn’t deserve me,” or “he probably got busy or doesn’t have the spoons to respond right now”…but it doesn’t make the this-is-rejection feelings and fears any less front and center.

[toumeina-yami]

Update: he did respond. The this-is-rejection feelings and fears can lie dormant for (hopefully not) another day.

I do feel like I bounced back from the irrational thoughts pretty quickly this time, so there’s that.

[toumeina-yami]

I still exist, just rarely on Tumblr.

As I procrastinate on getting ready for work, I needed to put this feeling somewhere.

I met a guy at church.

One of my friends who met him at the same time (she is in a committed relationship so no concerns there), nudged me when we met him and started teasing me about how I should get to know him.

I realized that I do have a crush on him (cue loud sigh, “not again!”).

The friend Facebook stalked him for me.

Friend request accepted.

We started messaging periodically…the usual cadence, conversations initiated by me but also reciprocated fairly well.

I messaged him yesterday or the day before to comment on something he posted that really resonated with me (actually something that’s making me wonder if he also has ADHD that’s flown under the radar).

Even though there are so many logical reasons why he hasn’t responded, cue worries that I did too much or scared him away or ruined something that wasn’t even something.

I can tell myself “if that was enough to scare him, he doesn’t deserve me,” or “he probably got busy or doesn’t have the spoons to respond right now”…but it doesn’t make the this-is-rejection feelings and fears any less front and center.

[toumeina-yami]

I know I’m never on here anymore.

But I needed to announce this in semi-secret because of how excited and nervous and surprised I am.

I think I’m making an offer on a condo this week. If all goes as planned, I’m going to be a homeowner before my next birthday.

[toumeina-yami]

Still rarely on here these days, but I closed on that condo a few days ago.

[toumeina-yami]

I’m starting to realize something about callings and gifts.

When people are baffled by things that seem normal or nothing special to you, or they speak highly of things that you just do naturally without thinking about it…..that means something.

[toumeina-yami]

Monday: Energized. On time for work. Productive.

Tuesday: Barely on time. Worn out. Basically got nothing done. Wondering if I should bail on the singles ministry thing I really wanted to do today.

[toumeina-yami]

every night, literally every night, i either have dreams about work or dreams that i'm ashamed of involving people i shouldn't be dreaming about.

[toumeina-yami]

Today I learned (while driving to work about half an hour late) that stopping CoQ10 a month or 2 ago may have worsened both my frequency of headaches and the feeling like I’ve been run over by a bus.

[toumeina-yami]

This morning I ended up going back to sleep for an hour and not realizing it. Like I remember waking up with one of my classic “behind the eye” migraines and lying down again, but at that point it wasn’t even 5am yet. When I looked at my phone again it was almost 6 and I was really confused.

[toumeina-yami]

i may or may not have spent an hour wrapping a gift for a coworker whose last day is Friday, despite having woken up with every intent to exercise this morning and having several other things to do to get ready for work.

[toumeina-yami]

I’ve been trying to convince myself to get up and take out the trash for over an hour.

[toumeina-yami]

If I’d known that posting about it on Tumblr would’ve given me the motivation I needed to get up from the kitchen table I would’ve done it at least half an hour ago. 😅