My fiancee and I have been together for over three years. We met in November 2012 and things just clicked straight away. He was impressed that I hadn’t expected sex on the first date, and we pretty much made sure that our second date was exclusively that alone!
We had incredible sex together; then we started spicing things up with other guys entering the mix. Later into our relationship we started to open things up further and began to have sex without each other. Each stage has been dealt with openly and honestly. We have different tastes, kinks, fetishes etc. and we both want each other to experience this without feeling held back. I think a lot of relationships, gay primarily, function in a similar format. Which leads me on to the unspoken taboo.
Me and my fiancee don’t have sex together anymore.
“Well its not going to last then” - I’m sure some of you would be thinking something along these lines. Perhaps I should clarify;
We don’t have sex with each other alone anymore.
Bring a lad over and we will happily ruin him together, and I’ve got to say, I really enjoy seeing the look on a guys face when my fella is behind him *wink*. But a while ago, me and my fella simply grew past having sex with each other.
Now all relationships are different, just like we are now accepting about sexuality. A relationship is fluid, it’s dynamic and they are different, for different people, with different people. However I think that there is a trap in long term relationships; a belief that when the sex dries up then the relationship is dying. Much like water is to a flower, sex is the nourishment required for a relationship to live and grow.
I think it is important to differentiate Love from Sex. Love comes from knowing someone. Sex is a physical exploration of a person; be this yourself or the other(s), depending on how much of a greedy bottom you are!
That’s not to say that the two don’t interact and that they don’t support one another, but they aren’t mutually dependant upon each other. Love doesn’t need to be supported by sex, just like sex doesn’t need to be supported by love. Good sex just needs a spark of passion whilst great love needs understanding.
Me and my fella explored the fuck out of each other and had damn fun doing it. I’m sure this diatribe may sound like I’m trying to kid myself here, but I can say without a doubt, he has made me the happiest I have ever been. In him I have found a partner in crime, a confidant; a soul mate as it were. I look forward to seeing him everyday. I love kissing him goodbye in the morning, I love getting hugs from him when I go to bed at night, I practically run home from work to get to spend just a few more minutes of an evening with him. And none of this needs sex to prove it.
For both of us now, sex is a means to explore our individual sexualities. We are both hot blooded males and as I say, we have different tastes. I personally love fetish clubs; rubber, leather, exhibitionism and feeling that masculine energy and sexual energies. My fella on the other hand, he often joke, is much more Elizabeth Taylor. He wants a connection, a buddy, someone he can chat, chill, smoke with and then fuck like animals with.
The point is that sex for us is not a tool to help find something better, or a means of finding affection we don’t feel we have. Neither is it a case of being desperately unhappy, just trying to find comfort in the arms of another man. Sex is just a physical expression of our own sexuality, a way to enjoying ourselves and discover ourselves. It no longer has anything to do with the love we have for one another.
It took us a while to acknowledge this. It felt taboo to talk about, like acknowledging this would destroy our relationship and tear us apart. I worried that maybe he didn’t find me handsome anymore, maybe we had grown to familiar. Perhaps the magic has simply left us after living together for so long, seeing each other grumpy, moody, smelly and foul. It was only through open communication that we came to realise we had both suffered similar concerns. We had been avoiding the conversation for fear of what it may mean, ironically showing us just how much we meant to one another. Our relationship wasn’t dying, it was evolving to something more.
It is not a case of ‘Oh we are just great friends’. He is not my friend. That does him a disservice. He is my everything and I could not and would not imagine my life without him. We have just acknowledged that certain parts of an early relationship aren’t happening anymore, and thats not a bad thing.
I read an early draft of this out to him this morning. He smiled at me and said; “The thing is, theres a difference between mating and fucking. We mated. We bonded for life. Doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy a good fuck though.” And he’s right. We did mate. We explored each other in a number of different ways and fell in love with every aspect. Sex has been a part of getting us to this point, but it isn’t necessary to maintain us now we’re here.
I suppose the whole point of writing this out, was two fold.
Firstly, I guess I wanted to reassure people out there; the best thing you can do in any relationship is talk to the person(s) you are with. Be open and honest. If its going to work out long term, then you need to be honest about who you are and who you want to be. Let the person(s) you are with know you for you. Don’t be scared of natural changes in a relationship. Be brave and strong and confront them head on with your partner(s) directly and trust that your love for each other is whats paramount.
Secondly, it was an opportunity to talk frankly and openly about this unspoken taboo that relationships are a constantly flurry of wild, passionate, crazy monkey sex. I mean some may be and thats awesome, but a loving and long term relationship doesn’t need to be. All thats needed really is to be kind to one another, be honest with your partner(s), love them for who they are and be open to the ever evolving nature of that relationship.
What’s next for me and my fella? Who can say. Maybe we will start having sex together again. Maybe we will find a third partner to bring into our loving relationship. Maybe we will continue on the path we are on, or perhaps there are hundreds of forks in the road ahead. All I know is that I am very lucky man to be with him and will be his for as long as he wants me.
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