Andromeda

Decided to put down the bottle and pick the pen back up again. Twenty three & clean.

[translusense]

12 days, 13 hours.

Last night I went to a bar with a new friend and a close friend, I was the designated driver. I had an amazing time, but when another table had bought us three adios motherfuckers and I was faced with my arch nemesis, my body wanted to down the entire drink, it looked so appetizing and the temptation was heavy; but what I chose was- to tell the people that I was with that I want to drink it and not to let me.

After a couple minutes of being honest about how I felt, I felt a lot better. I faced the night by channeling my higher self & fully functioning in a flow state and I truly felt in touch with my soul essence.

[translusense]

4 days and 21 hours without sipping the seductive poison.

Sometimes I have moments where saying no makes me feel empowered & charged.

Other times, I feel like my body is screaming at me to say yes even though I know I’m about to say no.

[translusense]

Here’s that check in that I promised.

So, as Rabbit’s family is taking shots and getting fucked up, he is busy playing some game where you attempt to toss sacks into a hole. His little sister is still swimming, I chose to get out a while ago, I got cold. Ofcourse if I would’ve been drinking, it wouldn’t have mattered. The reason why I compare everything to whether I was drinking is because every occasion and get together/celebration, I was drinking with them. This feels different, I feel like I’m grieving a death of a friend. No one can see the pain I’m enduring, only me. No one understands what each can I see causes, or every shot I hear them taking together. It’s bittersweet. I am currently sitting by myself in a circle of chairs that are empty due to a shot session everyone is at. So I decided to pull out my sponsor, my fabulous and always ready for me notepad on my phone. I have you, you have me. We are good. We’ve got this. (Don’t get me started on quitting cigarettes cold turkey along with the poisonous drink, around probably about 15 chainsmokers as well.)

[translusense]

Didn’t follow my gut yesterday & went to the beach with my best friend who I’ve known since I was a baby & who also was my boyfriend of 3 years, but now is my best friend again. & his guy best friend as well. I knew I wanted to write, and writing at the beach sounded nice. They were busy fishing & as I wrote down word after word, I got the feeling that I shouldn’t have gone with them.

I originally wanted to stay home and rest, but when I heard they were going to the beach instead of the lake, I was so in. What I forgot was we were going to be on a windy pier, papers flapping everywhere as I write. I made do until around 7:00 as it got colder and I told them I would wait in the truck, I have air, a charger, Netflix & myself. It would be amazing.

And it was, after, let’s just call him Rabbit, walked me back to the truck. I binge watched multiple episodes of 13 Reasons Why, season 3. Which also sparked a lot of thoughts that turned into questions, that soon became answers & I was feeling so good, by myself. They get back to the truck, my peace is interrupted & I tell myself not to let my peace of mind escape me just because I am feeling their energy mixed with mine now. (I will get into that later)

We then had to find a new spot, it’s getting later and now Drunkie (Rabbit’s best friend) is inviting more people to come fishing. My head, still pounding from the insane amount of alcohol consumption from YES, the night before. I just want to go home and lay down in bed. We move from Santa Monica, a few beaches over to Marina Del Rey.

This is where Drunkie’s friends show up. Seeing alcohol triggered me, it did. But because it was still day 1, I felt great. I had the willpower & the temptation subsided fairly quickly, especially when I stuck headphones in my ears and continued to watch my show. The show that I was being dedicated to, rather than my addiction.

The main thing that occurred to me last night, is why I was drinking in the first place. The vulgarity coming out of these guys mouths, it’s no wonder I wanted to suppress that bullshit. Having to be surrounded by misogynistic, big headed clowns. I realized my surroundings (before I decided to stop drinking) were a reflection of what I was choosing to ignore all along.

I stand proud today, being able to face these demons. But I can’t deny that I chose drinking and mindless conversation over authenticity for a long time. I was afraid of confronting the demons that held me so dear to the bottle. The fact that I love, but don’t like the people I hang out with. If I was sober, which I am now, I wouldn’t be hanging out with a crowd like that.

So my next move while battling a burning passion for the taste of a drink, is self isolation. Not to the point where I become a crazy cat lady and speak to them rather than humans, which I already do anyway, but at-least to re-evaluate my decisions and mindset from the past however many years.

My head was clearly in the clouds. The clouds made out of vodka & just about anything that had an alcohol percentage on it.

Here is my situation today; (check in later)

I am going to Long Beach to celebrate Rabbit’s birthday with his family who still thinks we’re together because he hasn’t told them yet & they are raging alcoholics themselves. WOW. Sounds great right? I’m gonna spend my time swimming with his little sister, she’s mature for her age and she can’t drink. We talk about Tarot cards & manifestation. She’s 13. I love her a lot. She’ll have my back today. And so will I.

Breathe.

[translusense]

I was originally going to dedicate this page to updates on how my sobriety is going. Maybe pulling out my notes and anxiously brain dump my worries and doubts when I’m feeling tempted, almost like a sponsor, haha.

It’s so me to be my own sponsor, if you knew me, you’d understand why I say that. I feel that my true guide is the one I am slowly learning to channel more often, noneother than my Higher Self, my origin, my naked energy without a physical container to transmit my truths.

But what I’m actually going to dedicate this page to, as well as my addictive desires, is a space to be completely truthful with myself. This is a page of vulnerability. Tranlucence, hence, translu[sense].

And this is an anonymous page as well. Full disclosure.

[translusense]

Introduction

I was 23 when I came to the conclusion that I was an alcoholic. I don't know what made this time different. Maybe it was the pounding headache mixed with the bruised and sore hand, body shakes and puke dates with the toilet the next morning, or if it was the fact that I ended my best friends birthday by ruining his night and also managing to cuss out one of my roommates whilst another roommate brought me more alcohol.

Normally I would just say, "We all have those day" but this time I didn't feel that way the slightest. This time, I was going to be honest and clear with myself about this problem.

I do believe some people can be a 1 or 2 drinks type of person, my envy is massive for those types, but I'm not that person. I do not have limits. I have tried to set them, they always end up in failure. It's something about my body's cells and their own little personal relationships with the poison. They almost cheer me on when drinking, like YES! THIS IS RIGHT! DO THIS MORE!

So, here we go. Day 1 without alcohol.