i'm tired

chi | they | 19 hi i'm chi and this is my mental health dump and personal blog, i guess. mobile links scene blog

[traumacoyote]

i haven’t used this blog in forever but i see i still have 200 followers for some reason. random update i guess. the stuff described in my last post before i disappeared was very real and i’m in therapy for that now, i had a lot more than no-contact online abuse, i’m bettering my relationship with my mother (surprisingly) and learning to love myself, shit’s been rough but yeah i’m surviving and it’s nice to at least not be in constant denial or wondering if i’m making shit up. i have no plans to use this blog again as of rn but if you’re interested in following me somewhere else i use twitter mainly now, i’m rottingichor on there although my personal ramblings are moreso on my personal shatterzero.

side note i noticed a lot of really kind messages were left for me on some of my old posts that i never saw and i want to say thank you to anyone who said something kind to me. means a lot, even in retrospect

[traumacoyote]

AND STILL, YOU’D LIKE TO THINK YOU OWN ME. YOU KEEP BUYING STARS (3/1/20)

[traumacoyote]

tw p/rn blog mention

i checked tumblr for the first time in a bit only to find that i was dmed by a furry p/rn blog??????????????? ??????

they aren’t even a bot what hte fuck go away

[traumacoyote]

is it cause i have “coyote” in my url???? that’s so fucking funny what hte hell

[traumacoyote]

AFDSIJODSAF THEY TOLD ME THAT EVERYONE HAS TRAUMA AND NOT EVERYONE IS A LITTLE BITCH ABOUT IT I BLOCKED THEM IM AFDSJOI

[traumacoyote]

tw p/rn blog mention

i checked tumblr for the first time in a bit only to find that i was dmed by a furry p/rn blog??????????????? ??????

they aren’t even a bot what hte fuck go away

[traumacoyote]

is it cause i have “coyote” in my url???? that’s so fucking funny what hte hell

[traumacoyote]

tw p/rn blog mention

i checked tumblr for the first time in a bit only to find that i was dmed by a furry p/rn blog??????????????? ??????

they aren’t even a bot what hte fuck go away

[traumacoyote]

hi, this is a total shot in the dark but has anyone been through psychiatric abuse, specifically in a school setting? “therapeutic” or “special ed” schools. not special ed classrooms but entire schools that basically serve as partial hospitalizations with both daily therapy and normal classes. i’m desperate to find someone, i went to a horribly corrupt and awful special ed school from 8th-10th grade and i feel incredibly isolated. i just want to know i’m not the only one. just like or reblog or send me an ask or dm or whatever... just. something.

[traumacoyote]

wish there were more posts about psychiatric abuse but then i realized my psychiatric abuse is probably super specific and not relatable at all

[traumacoyote]

vent i wrote last night, please don’t rb it

tw bullying, school, emeto, mom, food, abuse

feels like the bright and noisy cafeteria where i’d pick specks off my chips to make sure i wasn’t being poisoned

pokemon lunchbox, pokemon tupperware, a note from mom, she loves me i remind myself while i try not to cry. it’s loud and everyone is mean and scary

i’m five years old and they’re making gross noises again and i run to the nurse’s office where i throw up my zebra cake that i asked to buy for weeks. the nurse tells me i can’t call my mom. i refuse to leave because i am definitely sick, i’m nauseous and dizzy and tired, and i lie on the uncomfortable beds and make shapes and animals out of the cracks in the wall

mom picks me up after school and i can’t articulate that please help me i’m terrified so i just say i think i’m sick and she says “you’re not sick” and i quickly shut up, imagining rattata and pidgey living outside the car window. if they were real i’d jump out of the car and go on my own pokemon journey like all kids do. but i’m too young for that. i’m just five years old.

started talking to “myself,” started imagining that i wasn’t even human, because anything was better than this. i lived in my gameboy. i lived in my DS. real life made my stomach feel sick and my tongue feel like lead. if i was a pikachu maybe i’d have a trainer who loved me unconditionally and i’d be strong enough to defend myself. just like ash’s pikachu. i wouldn’t have to use big words or talk to show how i was feeling. maybe if i fell asleep i’d go into a coma just like the people on TV and i’d wake up in mystery dungeon and even i could save the entire world.

i’m hungry. eating is hard because anything could kill me. the kids make me throw it up anyways. i try to help him with his science homework. i throw up an hour later and cry my eyes out. my mom carries me into school by my waist the next day and i’m screaming and kicking and crying.

no one helps. no one does anything. not even my mom who leaves all those notes in my lunch. but i know she loves me cause she puts pikachu art from google images on those printed notes. even if she told me he did it because he liked me.

i don’t remember who pushed me on the playground. i’m sorry.

[mold-brain]

when i see myself it's not human

it's a monster

with big sharp teeth and long claws and big pointy ears and a snarling maw

when i see myself i'm supposed to be skin and bones and have dark shaggy fur and a long hairless tail

and can't forget sharp red eyes

it's like a mix of a possum and a canine

i don't see myself as human

i have intrusive thoughts that force in images of me, a monster, ripping out her throat with my yellow needle like teeth

i yern to feel her blood dripping off my snout as i happily sit there in the aftermath

i don't see myself as human

it doesn't quite scare me i guess

because i'm not human my feelings aren't the same so i guess that's why

i'm not human

-

vent poem with an image to go along with it

ok to rb

[saintzacharie]

got my headlights on. heading to the future.

[traumacoyote]

so mad we thought we were endogenic for so long because it was the first community we found that kind of described our experience and i kept thinking “well my trauma wasn’t that bad so i can’t have DID/OSDD!” and now we’re diagnosed with DID and i’m still trying to unlearn all the terrible shit endogenic communities spout off

[traumacoyote]

y’all ever read an article on csa written by someone who’s never gone through it and suddenly realize you are one of the statistics in the article and not a bystander like the writer

[traumacoyote]

don’t r..b please

i’m going to bed now but i just wanted to write down that i hate being asexual. i don’t know if i’m asexual because i’ve always been this way or asexual because of my trauma, but i wish i could be attracted to people sexually like a normal person. i feel kinda broken over it. lmao.

[walking-disaster-queer]

“i can handle this” does not mean “i should handle this”

“i can take care of this” does not mean “i should take care of this”

“i can deal with this” does not mean “i should deal with this”

((these are all things i cannot understand))

[traumacoyote]

don’t r..b

i know i wasn’t neglected so why do my parents feel like voids in my heart where love should be. why does it hurt so fucking bad at 5:00 am when i can’t think of a single memory where my mom held me as a child other than when i was four or five and being rocked because i was still just a baby. just a baby

[traumacoyote]

they love me i think but i can never feel it. i can’t be angry because they love me and they’re doing the best they can. but i can’t feel it. i can’t feel it at all.

[traumacoyote]

don’t r..b

i know i wasn’t neglected so why do my parents feel like voids in my heart where love should be. why does it hurt so fucking bad at 5:00 am when i can’t think of a single memory where my mom held me as a child other than when i was four or five and being rocked because i was still just a baby. just a baby

[exhaustedborderline]