When The World Is Home

Poetry from ugly places "I have hated words and I have loved them and I hope I have made them right" She/her 30’s Personal: thingswerewrittenhere

[travelsinpage]

Space Suit

Thoughts of you

Buzz at every frequency

I send one like a scout

To see if your radar

Still reads me

And sometimes I feel you

Just out of reach

I check my phone for

Beeps that sound like

Warning bells

Echoing in my

Impenetrable suit

Out of touch

Calling code blue

Yelling fire

In an empty theater

Unsure what im

Running toward

But hoping you’re there to hold me

Past the tape and blinking lights

Wishing that you’d

Want me

To stay within range

Of your heart beat

Wondering about those flatlines

And the silence that followed

Bracing myself for

The uncertainty of space

And limited air

Checking my radio and

Pinging like a

Treasure hunter

Metal detector

Getting on my knees and

Running through myself like

Sand

[travelsinpage]

My heart lies

As dormant as

A puppy hidden

Underneath a staircase

Pissing itself

In nerves

Or excitement

Or fear

Who knows the mind

Of a baby

Except those without the ability to speak

It’s tippy tapping

Or backing away quickly

It dare not sleep

Could not bear to miss

The excitement

Or disappointment

In its name

In its call to come

It does so

Without hesitation

It bounces back like

A tennis ball

Doesn’t know the difference

Between a no

And the end of the world

Only knows

Bed privileges

And you

[travelsinpage]

Begging the mail carrier to come out of retirement to take just another letter

I’ve been learning a new language

Trying to use my

Tongue to impress you

It used to matter

What I wrote so

I took what I knew of

The old alphabet

Iconography

Hieroglyphs

I practiced each part

Of your name

I looked at old poets

All the lines

I wish I wrote

Every line ever

Whispered into my

Very being

And strung them together

To the sound your heart makes

When my soul is

Pressed to it

I studied lost love letters

Famous ones too

Looking for any way

To reach you again

To be on your frequency

To put a crack in the wall

To break it down all together

Brick by brick by

Letter by letter

Scattering all 26 of them

With my hands

Across your

Lips

Reading them slowly

Sounding them out

Like sobs

Pleading for your

Understanding

Im learning a new language

All the better to love you in

But I’m afraid

You’re not at the same address

[travelsinpage]

Secret hope

Sprouts and

Spews through cracks

And flaws

In the blistering sun

And in dark whispers that

I keep from myself

I car barely hear

My own wishes

As I toss them like

Enchantments into

Luck fountains

And it’s no wonder

Im no good at magic

I cast myself

In lofty roles

And roll right out of

My skin

Into something way less comfortable

Way more slimey

Growing like algae

Through my cracks

Bringing light

To secret wishes

Rooted in me

[travelsinpage]

Grief softens

Stone in my shoe

Sharp edges

Slice into

My tenderness

I kick it around

And around

Trying to turn 10 Mohs

Into a marble

Trying to use it like

A crystal ball

Bleeding through my socks

And all over my future

It softens, barely

I took it to a geologist

To find its name

Took it to a jeweler

To carry it differently

I begged for bandages and

A cane

But I can still feel it

Inbetween my toes

Under my soul

Keeping me off balance

Almost as jagged as

When I first started

Kicking and screaming

Filling my shoes with stones

Flinching each step

Wondering if they

Ever soften at all

[travelsinpage]

I love to know

The softness of your heart

Like the fullness of your cheeks and

The care in your eye

I love to see you

In all your boyish charm

The spectrum of your colors

I love to feel them run

In places that blur lines

I love to listen to

Well just about any sound you make

And I’ve been out of tune

Majorly tone deaf

But I love to be able to read you

In ways that make me wish

I had thought of you first

Hello my love

I love to understand you

[travelsinpage]

Have you ever been alone like this before

Like the bathroom fan

Is more noise than you can handle

A quick hello

Is painful goodbye

Alone like

I didn’t even know my voice was gone

Until there was no one to hear it

Alone like

You’re friends have moved on

Started a new round

Replaced you

Not missing a beat

I think you’re having

The time of your life

I think you’re getting better

And I’m getting cold

Maybe bitter too

But have you ever built a bonfire

Cut log benches

Prepared the marshmallows

And watched it die

With no other witnesses

No extra fuel

No hopefully blaze

Not even crackling spirits

I don’t believe in ghosts

This cemetery i put art in

Would be their perfect home

I would welcome their whisps

And whispers and

I’d let them sleep inside

A would be hostess

For the masses

Then I wouldn’t feel

Alone like this

[travelsinpage]

Whatcha doin

Last night was nice

Hii

I don’t know how to say it

It’s a whatdya call it

I feel just so…

It’s on the tip of my

Hooja mahaaja

And I don’t know if I

Could find the words

Is it a euphemism or a simile

Could it be this or that or the other

Last night was

More than was

Is

Hold on

I’m holing in my word vomit

Im taking off my crown and

Calling off the

You know those guys

I’m looking in the mirror

Not understanding what I’m seeing

I’m putting yellow back in tubes

I’m putting caps back on poison bottles

Putting my tongue

Back in its sheath

I’m meaning it

And meaning it

And wondering if I mean it will it

Matter

I don’t know if you know or not

But last night was nice

[travelsinpage]

I’m cut from cloth that

Caught on fire

It’s unraveling around the edges

To delicate for the original design

To thin for another fitting

My tatters catch in the wind

Spread across an old battle field

Too big to collect the little fibers that

used to hold me together

My cloth looks like

Scraps of a flag

They used to mean something

And now they are

Not enough material for

A new dress

Or working pants

It catches in bicycle chains

Ripped and wrinkled and

Out of style

I’m begging to be

Reused

Or recycled

But I’m left to reduce

In a scrap bin

[travelsinpage]

Respond

Reply

Relieve me of my

Realizations of my

Restlessness

Right now before I

Roll off my

Rocker

Right onto the floor

Resuscitate me, fill me

Right to the

Rim

Resume from where it stopped

Recording and

Rewind these feelings back into their

Reel and

Really try and

Release the pressure that

Ruptures out of loneliness

Reach for me before I

Revolt

Reset my senses

Rally my troops

Recount their numbers

Reevaluate the silence I’m

Ravaged by

Reason with my

Rightful enemies

Resurgence comes with

Redicule but I am

Ruthless so

Reach for me

[travelsinpage]

I am too loud for whispers

The decibel everyone lives inside of

Doesn’t stir me

The appropriate level of leveled

Unsettles me

My mother calls

In a gentle voice

And I strain to hear her

But I can’t make out if

She’s trying to reach me

I break oxygen tanks yelling

Begging someone will hear me

Hear me

I echo

In a sound chamber of my own

I ring alarm bells

I cry fire

Into plugged ears

Into cotton balls and

My own pillow

I radio for help

And there’s static

But it’s not clear

I look out into a cloud of whispers

Almost trying to reach me

the top of the mountain

Is not my favorite place anymore

[travelsinpage]

Everyone will go to sleep

And I’ll be alone

With a view I don’t want

Nerves I can’t lose

And thoughts too big

For tin cans

[travelsinpage]

2024 CE

Number one girl

Message unread

Little writings

On the wall

Undiscovered

Just a relic

What will

The Anthropologist think

[travelsinpage]

I’m in your car again

But it’s fine

Like actually fine

And something low

Is on the stereo

And I’m holding your thigh

Or your touching mine

And I hate the thought of it now

How it crumpled in around us

How we barely got out

But I miss that gold Prius

Atlanta and Arkansas

And knowing we were

Fine

[travelsinpage]

Spyglass

Every story finds your name

If we are playing a game of hide and seek

I didn’t know we’d started

I’m always finding you in

Corners of little towns

I’m always seeking you out

Without even trying

I’m following your scent

Like a puppy

I’m healing

I’m peeing my pants

Waiting for you to jump out

I’m crouched

And cramping

Im not quiet enough

I’ve lost my spot

I don’t know if you’re following

I’m reading story after story

With your name in it

[travelsinpage]

Our Favorite Fleetwood Mac song

We walked in time

Your high school band moves

A little jiggle on the sidewalk

Dance along forest trail

Down the backroad

To the store …

I broke my legs

Just a mile in

Couldn’t move just the same

And just sat there to cry

Benched on the sideline

A weeping willow wallflower

You sat underneath and

I asked you why there was so much shade

You cried with me

We held heaviness in our hands

And you helped me to be gentle with it

I asked if we could find a new tree

If we could see a bit more sky

Our packs were too heavy

I lost my mind in the chill

Crawled blindly

I begged fur the sun

I cried out for a new tree

But we couldn’t carry our stuff

And I was so afraid we were stranded

My survival skills have thawed since

My legs don’t feel a lot better but

I’m learning to manage

You know I can’t help but want to climb

Do you know that I can’t help

But want you to be there with me

(Everywhere)

Up on top

Im working on carrying myself there cause

I can’t see where the trail goes down here

Especially in these shadows

But I’ve heard climbing is safer with a buddy

I know we both hurt

But we’ve walked this far

Maybe we could just go on

Together?

[travelsinpage]

Jet pack or big spoon whatever you want to call it

I’m standing in the doorway

Knowing what it’s like to hold you

Barely able to tear myself

From ghosts and

Opera songs and

You and

You

I’m unfolding like a paper crane

I’m sinking like a toy ship

I’m walking home in the dark and

Wishing the furnace worked right

Wishing my skin didn’t feel like Velcro

I’m pulling myself off a magnet

Like a gun at the bottom of a river

I’m waterlogged

Tied to my bed in all the wrong ways

Im drunk and standing in the doorway