Trenten Max

30, Hopeless Romantic, Aspiring Writer, Rapper

[trentenmax]

Coming To

Nothings wrong. Dancing in the kitchen no music on. Passionate kisses. Sensational touches. Like we belong. Talking about getting it on. It wasn’t because you weren’t enough. I was shooting for par and landed in the rough. The next swing took me too deep. Water hazard or water landing perspective is bleak. I like that song. Maybe it makes more sense now. The emotional connection was never a longing. It’s always been there. A boost of epinephrine like I went septic. I needed it. Why such a heinous act to acquire it? Internally I thought it. Could have mastered the art of sabotage. Hindsight, is that I wanted this. Auto bots. Fighting decepticons. Lot of shock. Defibrillator to the chest. No response. Hopefully I wake from this dream. Oh that’s a thought.

[trentenmax]

The Return

Facing the headsman wasn’t sure horror. Texts that came through were more so. Laying there waiting for the dots to disappear. When they did the messages were clear. Not really what I wanted to read, but just as accepting the judgment and facing the headman, this was a need. Clear cut direction from a power greater than me. A state of Apathania was invading my brain. Yet still guided to keep us sane. Feelings aren’t facts. So I fought the shame. When my vision went black I still saw the shade. A darkness that was not lighted by a pet name. Maybe for a moment. The intermission is near and I need to sleep. Working on trees in the heat advisory. The gloom left me as I was winding down. Then comes the I love you even after doom was found. I’ll not want to face you tomorrow but maybe, I do know in my heart that there was no escaping. The sun awakens and I take my meds… why do I even take them when I get so close to the ledge. Jumping off is attractive but it’s short lived. Short day ahead as I gather the itinerary. Today, after messages read you didn’t seem weary. Yet deep inside I knew it wasn’t the end, later today is what I dreaded. The drive was quick as it always is on returns. Got a long road ahead as I sway with turns. I’m greeted by the kids who didn’t want hugs. A lovely kiss from the love bug. Yet it always seems that if nothings wrong. Deep down I know…..

[trentenmax]

The Slaughter

Instantaneously crafting the thoughts of reacting, haste-fully backtracking to hopefully stop the aftermath. Probably too late though. Sadly mistaken the fact of action is irreversible, kind of like what Paul said in the letter to the Roman’s about Gods calling. Jah allows circumstances to the betterment of morals and values, no chance. It’s appalling the concepts to distrust the spirit, bold stance. Meeting the headsman to engage in my execution. The words intonation that was processed retribution. Accepting the judgement to painfully embrace my sentence. I’ve in turn never been so distant. Not in a physical sense. The spirit seems so far where will I go after this? Purgatory or bliss?

[trentenmax]

Fatality

Today I killed myself. Only in my head though. I committed to an act of treason that happened for reasons unknown. Not that life and all isn’t good, it’s greatness. My faulty character must hate complacent. Still bordering an area without borders my stasis. I must be addicted to chaos haste station. A diabolical subconscious that has happened in the past. Not usually following through, slim acts, of maybe and possibilities still boosting fast. Waves of a rush to kill the fuss it must be smashed. Tendencies fester and without the spirit it gets messier until, PASS. Do they even want to hear the share of what’s going on up there? Who will really care when it’s supposed to be square? Monumental sobriety still fighting the fiery thoughts that should have fled its daunting me. I want to be on the contrary an anomaly in the honest me a hollowly task to obviously grow beyond an odyssey. Why did I do it though? Words are unspoken, slit my throat.

[trentenmax]

Jekyll and Hyde

Everybody has that one person, that no matter the hurt it’ll always be the same love no curtains. Covering up old wounds that may have been words said. But that really doesn’t matter though, the love was so raw and real that you happen to, learn forgiveness real quick hastily saying I’m sorry and I love yous. So caught up in your emotions you don’t really know what’s true? It’s invoking a real provoker it’s who you didn’t think you could be and now your watching them leave is it really over boo?

[trentenmax]

Why I Play

I play to silence the bad thoughts, I play because I think I ought, to be better man, husband, friend am I not. These feelings of being less than giving you the security a woman like you deserves. I feel like my only option is to work for myself. Because the wreckage of my past it haunts me. Business hasn’t taken off like I wanted it to hell. So I play till I’m so tired I sleep a lot. As once stated but “then again you do wake up.” I have to face it again the next night F***

[trentenmax]

An idea without action is just blind faith.

[trentenmax]

“A thought without creativity is incomplete.”

— MW @Trentenmax

[trentenmax]

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow, Infinity.

There are times when your aura hops in my atmosphere so unnoticed or passive dear, but I like it cause it gets my heart rate in a faster gear and that’s exhilarating. I’m an adrenaline junkie you know this baby. And sometimes I think you do it in such a manner that lets me know you still care. Well like I said that’s the hope I sit on and its not real clear. I just love it when you pop up cause I get knocked up my head like I was drunk but I’m not and then your gone again I’m asking where? Are you, where did you go? I thought I did it so like you would be right by my side to the moon and back no flight a real ride or die and I’m still alone. Yet you squeeze in a second or a text and reflect it that you may still care and I find that subjective. So am I crazy? If and when you come back again I want you to know that I will accept you no matter the circumstances. That’s unconditional I’m right here friend. You said I was your best friend well I’m here and still am. I yearn for the day you recognize that and really relay the substantial fact that you do care. I will never turn your love away. Call me crazy, crazy in love till the end of days. I need you yesterday, today, tomorrow infinity babe.

[trentenmax]

It feels good to cry.

I hold back and try to detach so that there’s no emotion. That’s whack. It’s a fact that letting go is a total soul encapsulating experience where tears are needed to begin the serious soul healing. I hate it though. And at the same time it feels good to cry. Why such a stigma on what helps us it’s a way we try to be self sufficient that leads to fits of, emotional relapses and spiritual detachments that don’t help us in the long run it actually happens to be more detrimental to our mental so why do we try so hard to keep it inactive. A culture we grew up in where you weren’t seen as men if emotions were shown or tears were shed you’d get mocked and ridiculed for being a big, baby. Why do we relate an actual survival instinct with something so helpless? In retrospect that’s what we all are just helpless beings trying to survive. We need a higher power to sustain us its cowardice to think otherwise. So let the instincts fly and cry.

[trentenmax]

“We haven’t the lack of technology to seize the opportunity.”

Trenten Max

[trentenmax]

She knows!

[trentenmax]

““One day you may appreciate my existence and see the soul benefits.””

— Trenten Max

[trentenmax]

I’m sorry

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you your cooking was enough. I’m sorry that I kept you up late. Not thinking that your next day at work would be rough. I’m sorry that I didn’t consider your love. We love different and that’s okay. I’m sorry for being immature, for me this one is tough. I like to play at life because I think life is fun. I guess there is a time to be serious. I wish it was different and that’s a regret I will die with ugh. I’m sorry I never took you on extravagant dates. You’re a homebody I guess I could’ve made them at home. I’m sorry that I ever entertained riff raff with your daughter. Maybe that’s the way I was trying to teach. I’m sorry that our relationship wasn’t what you dreamed of, it would’ve been could’ve been but I don’t resent you for not waiting any longer. Whatever may come I just hope you are happy and that’s why I wrote this poem.

[trentenmax]

Your face is like looking into the sun. A flash bang when photos snapped come across the dashboard, one, isn’t enough I would like them every other moment when coherence has returned. Maybe then you are a drug?

[trentenmax]

A new chapter?

I wonder when you will see it. I squint with a hope that you may believe it? Maybe one day who knows I’m scratching and grasping at something it feels like cement. Tearing up my fingernails blood everywhere lights gleaming off it like sequence. That’s a little graphic I know it’s just what it feels like in my soul. Changing the projection is like wishing for hope. What a paradox. I wanted more then ever back then to cherish the box I couldn’t though. It was a pull from the instinct that I should’ve listened to but didn’t read the tarot cards. Nothing is as we may think it is and hindsight is a wicked gift, dang. An opportunity missed I guess.

[trentenmax]

“I don’t understand the karma I’m handed but I don’t want it it’s so, much to take in I can’t stand the fake kids cause that two faced bit is so old. I’ve been mistaken and I’m completely hating myself for the way I cope, woah. Yet again rejected so far I’m left with no faith no love and no hope. Ugh why do I still cling to it. I’m in love with the music I just guess I’m off pitch and need auto tune. It’s sad to think others judge as fast as they blink no time to sing the words. N'Sync Bye Bye Bye, no lie I try so hard but still get lied to and might just die who would care I don’t see why I fight too. It’s more than messages subliminal suicidal it’s just not right dude. I’m not killing myself it’s just my hyper bole believe me the damage I’ve seen should’ve already killed me not so likely it’s figuratively mastering my mastery trying to attain apathy cause after we passively try to see the light through the fouls of persons sour protection I’m left with cowards no amnesty lost in power over others frowns not happy savvy silly sappy clowns who thought you aught to not get caught even if it’s after hours. It devours our whole existence. Pride!”

— Trenten Max

[trentenmax]

(Untitled)

There are certain persons that are obscurances but we try to light them with more observances of love. We see the light in them, they try to hide it when we point it out. What is wrong with us? Is it our lantern that may be burned out and we are the damper in their house? Possibly, but it’s crazy to us they would want to keep the light within. So we flare up that could combust into an unnecessary explosion then we are stunned. Ringing ear, vision unclear where is this relationship going from here. I’m in fear my sweetest dear is loosening in my grips but is that the mere, fact that letting go could help them know that they’re more than a shuttered beacon. They can supernova into a brighter star on their own. A firework is still a fire work not with our own bunk to the wick. It’s a concern of ours to try and spark something that may not need ignition. It’s their prerogative not our cognitive decision to push them into something they don’t think they are. When they come into being on their own accord is a sweeter struck chord on our heartstrings cause that means they actually have matured beyond our desired rapport. Growth comes in self not outside criticism. Blessings come when we learn to work out our own cynicism.