Linguistic Intimidations...
Today I had an educational experience that I’ve never had before: my entire class this morning was in Spanish.
It was a class on religion and politics in Latin America where it just so happened everyone in the room was a Spanish speaker. So the Professor asks if we could hold our discussion in Spanish. Everyone is cool with it (and I’m, admittedly, thrilled because this has never happened before for me). As folks talk, though, I realize I’m the only Spanish speaker in the class from the United States. That is, there are folks from Puerto Rico, Argentina, Mexico, Spain and I’m the only one who grew up here. And I must admit, I was a intimidated for a good while and it took me a few minutes to jump into the conversation.
I wasn’t intimidated because I wasn’t fluent in Spanish (I am), nor because Spanish isn’t my first language (it is), nor because I wasn’t understanding my colleagues (I did), but because I was worried about my accent. My Spanish is unique. It’s grounded in Puerto Rico, forged in the Diaspora, and influenced by Central America (especially Guatemala, El Salvador, and to a lesser extent Honduras). It’s a blend of saying “coño,” making “r” sounds into “l’s,” dropping letters, using “vos,” adding “eis,” and indicating a question by saying “va” at the end. Meanwhile I’m hearing colleagues speak “pure” Spanish from their respective lands and I start doubting myself.
Will my Spanish be understood? Would it be accepted? And why do I think their’s is “pure” and mine is not? In short, why am I intimidated to speak the language my mother and father taught me?
Then I began realizing my own experiences with being bilingual in the United States. When I was growing up (and still today) some Puerto Ricans and Latin Americans would make fun of my Spanish as “too Gringo” (interestingly, some who learned Spanish in Latin America would say my Spanish is “too Puerto Rican,” which meant too influenced by English, which meant “not good Spanish”). Simultaneously, English speakers would make fun of things like my name or pronunciation of certain words or my parent’s accents because they were too “Spanish.” So this linguistic space formed around me where I (supposedly) wasn’t fully Spanish speaking or fully English speaking. This “ni de aqui, ni de aya” makes it intimidating to enter spaces where your speaking is what defines your participation.
In this particular instance I got over it and just jumped in with a “whatever” kind of attitude, if they understand me they understand me and if not I’ll write it down! And I’m glad I did because it was powerful to hold a class in the language I feel most emotionally connected to (I feel more intellectually connected to English). Nonetheless, it was an interesting couple of minutes of feeling intimidated and needing to figure out why before jumping in.
Language has power in how we are shaped as people and communities. It can be a source of liberation or marginalization, colonization or freedom. In this way language can be an imperial force, one used to intimidate folk or make them feel less than in order to maintain power. It’s what caused some indigenous languages to be wiped out, what empowers nativism and xenophobia, and what can cause students to remain silent for years in and out of classrooms. Yet language can also be a site of empowerment, of pushing back, or refusing to submit to supremacy. Indeed, language has power, perhaps more than we realize…..