Try Again (SKZ Hyunjin × Reader)
Pairing: Hyunjin × Reader
A/N: Here you go @sparklingchan 😊
Sorry if it took a while and also if it’s too long, I kinda lost myself while writing this. Hope the time slips don’t get too confusing, enjoy😀
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“Love is a feeling that can’t be controlled. Just like how we can’t help falling in love, we can’t help but fall out of it either.”
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You’re aware of Hyunjin’s presence behind you. You saw this coming when you agreed to attend Jennie’s New Year party.
Knowing the kind of person he was, you knew he would confront you, that you’d have to answer all his questions before he let you go.
And this scared you. Not the confronting part. The part where he would let you go. Again.
He slides beside you and leans on the railing like you.
For some time all you can hear is the loud music inside, people chattering and the sound of traffic beneath you.
The night is chilly but you embrace it after managing to maneuver your way through the living room where Jisung and Changbin were screaming (or having a friendly banter as they liked to call it) at each other for another stupid reason.
If you tried you could clearly hear Hyunjin breathing beside you over all that noise. And you welcome this familiar homely feeling after a while.
“It’s been a long time, how have you been?”
His voice cuts through the night like a sharp knife, yet you feel warm when you finally hear his voice.
“I’ve been…well. What about you?” A fog escapes your mouth in front of you.
He hums before responding. And you wish he didn’t.
“Besides the fact that I’ve missed you like crazy, I guess you could say I’m doing good.”
Your heart picks up pace at his words, the adrenaline gushing through you, more than enough to fight the cold.
You don’t turn towards him. The whole evening you’ve been avoiding his gaze and involved yourself in as little conversation as you could with him.
“Did you miss me?” He asks, his voice coming out in a whisper, as if he was afraid of the answer.
His eyes are filled with anguish when you don’t respond for some time. Your face is hidden by your hair and his hands itch to tuck them behind your ears like he used to. He can’t fathom what you’re thinking and wishes you would meet his eyes once before the night gets over, and you go your own ways again.
“Y/n?” You can hear the desperation in his voice, the longing in it.
You want to turn around and go inside but you can’t move.
Your limbs feel heavy out in the cold and maybe, just maybe, the real reason you don’t want to leave is because Hyunjin was here. Right beside you.
“Yes,” your voice is a whisper but Hyunjin is listening carefully, straining his ears to catch every word you say.
And then finally you meet his eyes properly for the first time.
“I missed you too, a lot.”
You were dreading the moment when Hyunjin would enter your apartment.
He had called you about an hour ago, telling you he needed to talk.
Had things been better between you, you wouldn’t have had this nerve wracking moment right now as you uncomfortably sat on your couch.
You saw this coming, you knew it would happen. Sooner or later, you knew he’d fall out of love with you.
The door clicks and Hyunjin saunters in, his face tired and an inexplicable expression in his eyes.
You get up from where you were seated and despite the horrible feeling in your chest you give him a small smile and hug him, holding him a bit longer.
He notices and immediately feels sorry for what was about to unfold.
“Do you want me to make you something? You must be hungry after your practice,” you start moving towards the kitchen but he holds you back by your wrist.
“Y/n, please, let’s just get this over with fast.”
If you felt overly nervous a few minutes ago, his words now made you feel dead. As of nothing was left for you to do.
You nod and sit on the couch.
At first he says nothing, running a hand though his hair and twisting the ring around his finger. Something you had noticed he did when he was frustrated or annoyed.
You sit patiently, waiting for him to deliver the blow. The only sound to be heard was the soft ticking of the clock.
After what felt like an eternity he finally decides to speak.
Those two words, and you know it’s over between you guys. All those weeks you tried telling yourself that you could still save this relationship, all those times you cried yourself to sleep on an empty and cold bed, all those times you barely received a response to your texts and calls, you thought it was enough to prepare you for this.
“I just can’t. I can’t do this to you anymore, I love you, really I do, but just…not enough. Not as much as I used to.” He looks up at you, his eyes moist.
God, he wished that you’d say something, do something, anything, slap him or even yell at him. But he really wished you wouldn’t stay so quiet.
“How long?” You mumble and meet his eyes, “how long have you felt like this?”
“A year,” he replies. You’re not surprised at that. What you are surprised at is the fact that he put up with this for a whole year.
“I tried Y/n, I really did. At first I thought that it was because we were both busy and if we put in more effort, it would work. But after a while, I knew it wasn’t time, it was just me. God, I’m so sorry,” he buries his head in his hands and the tears start flowing.
He felt pathetic, even hated himself for this. But he would never blame you. You were so sweet, supporting him even without him asking, getting him food and cheering for him even when he himself had no self confidence. You provided him with a homely comfort, and made him have faith in himself again.
You were always there for him, and he only just noticed.
Even that night as he cried, apologising a million times, you held him in your arms and said it was okay.
“Listen to me Hyunjin,” you cup his face and make look at you, tears staining his red cheeks, “I don’t blame you Hyunjin.”
“B-but I’m the bad one here,” he hiccups.
“I’m the worst boyfriend ever, I never made time for you and never-”
You cut him off. If there was one thing that deeply wounded you, was the fact that Hyunjin blamed himself for everything. And you weren’t going to let that happen.
“Don’t say that, you always made time for me. Don’t think I didn’t notice how tired you were and still insisted on going on dates with me after practice. And the fact that you…that you wanted to make this work for a whole year, I can’t imagine how pathetic you must have felt being around me.” You say, guilt washing over you.
“You say it like being around you exhausted me,” he mumbles placing a hand over yours.
“I noticed Jinnie, I noticed how things started changing, but I kept holding you back. We could have ended this months ago and you wouldn’t have felt like this, if anything, I’m the one who should say sorry.”
“But I fell out of of love, do you know how ashamed I am of it? Even after everything you did for me, I fell out of of love.”
You shake your head and smile sadly.
“Jinnie, love is a feeling that you can’t help falling in. It just…happens. One moment you’re just standing on a quiet cliff, enjoying your surroundings, and the next, it just comes out of nowhere and swoops you down in its wings down the cliff. It makes you feel like you’re falling and yet protected in its wings.”
Hyunjin looks at you and lets your definition of love settle down. Is that how he made you feel?
He’s looking at you but you’re staring at your clasped hands, your next words coming out in a soft whisper.
“And just like how a feeling never lasts for eternity, you can’t help but fall out of love either. It takes efforts to make something like love last.”
“So, we’re both at fault? ” he asks, as if treading on egg shells.
You nod and offer him a soft smile, the same one which had made him fall head over heels in love with you.
“We failed, but it’s okay. We’ll find love again, with someone else maybe, but we’ll make it work. It’s supposed to be like that.”
He hugs you, and you have a feeling it would be the last time you’d be receiving that hug, so you hug him back, relishing it.
When he left after some more tears and a lot of consolations, promising to still be friends, you plop on your couch.
Engulfed in the solitude of your house, which you know will no longer feel the same without Hyunjin, you take a moment before letting this new feeling settle down.
Your eyes are finally tearing up knowing that you were on your own now, and that you’ll never find someone like him.
That night you cry yourself to sleep on the couch, hoping that when you woke up, you’d feel better.
“Then why didn’t you ever call me?” Hyunjin accuses you.
He’s hoping you’d tell him why you left after promising him that this changed nothing between you guys, that you’d still be the best of friends.
“I couldn’t bring myself to do that,” you reply nonchantly.
Truth be told, there were many times that you had picked up your phone to dial his number but had always stopped yourself in the end.
Because you knew that if you called him, you’d end up crying and falling for him yet again, something which you had tried to move on from after a lot of efforts.
“You never even told me that you were leaving,” his voice becomes sad and whiny and you almost laugh.
“I wasn’t obligated to.” It comes out apologetically.
He gulps before asking the inevitable.
“Do you not…do you still love me?
Now you’re looking at his face, trying to familiarise yourself with his handsome features.
Was it possible for him to get any more handsome than he already was? Sure, his boyish charms had worn off, only to be replaced by a more mature and manly one. His face looked more angular in the dim lighting, his features smoother and his hair had grown to almost a mullet.
You really wanted to stroke his cheeks and kiss his plump lips while running your hand through his silky hair.
Yes, you loved him. You never stopped loving him.
But he wasn’t yours anymore.
"Are you serious right now?” Jennie exclaimed while you sipped your milkshake.
“Please don’t make me think otherwise Jen, I’m not changing my mind.” You reply is calm, unlike Jennie who’s still in shock at your proclamation.
“Y/n, this isn’t…well let’s just say I wasn’t expecting this.”
You weren’t expecting this either. But how many people ever really got a chance like this?
You had it all planned. You already signed the contract this morning, you were just waiting for a call from the company.
Once everything was deemed okay, you could leave at once.
“Look, I know you’ve been waiting since ages to get promoted and all, but this?” Jennie is speechless for a moment, “This seems too rushed, don’t you think?”
You bite your lips and frown. You knew there was truth in what she said, but after a year of being in a slump, with book proposals thinning out, you were more than ready to try something new. Besides this place was making you feel so suffocated, you were willing to accept a change.
“Besides, I might sound like a bad friend, but you’re a writer Y/n, and as much as I support you and your works, this field is difficult. You can’t just throw away a stable job to go…backpacking!”
“It’s not just backpacking, I’ll be writing all through the journey. Something like a travel writer,” you try to reason, although now that Jennie had said it out loud, you were having second thoughts.
But no time for that now. You were only going to look forward and not have any regrets.
She sighs when she realises that your mind was made up.
“What about Hyunjin? Have you told him yet?” She steals a sip from your glass.
You frown at the boy’s name. It’s not that you hated him, it’s just that you had drifted apart in the past year. He already had a fling going on and as much as it hurt you to see him with another person, you really didn’t have the heart to be mad at him.
Besides, he looked happier.
“No, I just don’t know how to have a conversation with him anymore. It’s like…I can’t get over him, no matter what.” You sigh.
She holds your hand across the table.
“Don’t beat yourself over him Y/n, we all expected you to last too. When you told us you had broken it off…let’s just say, Chan and Woojin made sure to lecture him.”
Your eyes widen at this new piece of information.
“Oh no, please tell me they weren’t too harsh on him. Really it wasn’t his fault-” You stop when you notice Jennie glaring at you.
“Why are you always like this?” She points an accusing finger at you, “Why do you keep defending that ass?”
“Jen, you don’t understa-”
“Then make me understand Y/n! Do you know how shocked and worried I was at how you didn’t go through the normal post breakup syndromes?”
You almost laughed but thought better of it. When Jennie was angry, you wouldn’t want to anger her further. You had learnt this the hard way.
“I can’t always grab hold of things and feelings like that Jen, if I did, at some point I might have made him run away. But I was glad that he told me.”
“Is that why you just gave up on your job? Because it’s easy for you to let go?” She scowls.
You don’t know how to answer that, but it sure gets you thinking.
She shakes her head at your lousy explanation, but you were being genuine.
You finish your drinks in silence and she drops you back home, waving you off with a rather sullen expression, but deep down she loved you a lot and was worried about you.
Only when you’re about to doze off at night do Jennie’s words strike your mind.
You allow yourself a small smile, snuggling into your sheets as you hug your pillow, a substitute you had soon found once you realised Hyunjin wasn’t going to sleep by your side anymore.
Who said it was easy letting go?
“You aren’t answering me,” Hyunjin frowns as you look away from him.
“Please Jinnie, I…it’s to early in the night to have this conversation.” You sigh.
He dropped the topic, but he was sure to bring it up later.
“Jennie told me that you left. I mean, I found out of course, but I didn’t know where you left to, and when she told me…I really…respected you. For making such a bold decision.”
“It was a chance in a million, I wasn’t going to let it go that easily.” You smile.
“Was it fun?” He asks indulgently, genuinely interested about your travel tales.
“Yeah, there were so many places to travel, so much to see, to hear and experience. When I came back, I felt like I had learned a lot of new things. Travelling made me think with a broader perspective.”
“I read all your articles,” he says with a dreamy expression, “You were always so good at expressing yourself. It felt like I was there even though I wasn’t…you know? ” he says, his nose scrunching up in an effort to explain what he meant.
You laughed at his cute effort. It rang out loud and clear in the chilly night, and he felt a warmth emanate in his chest, something he had not felt in a long time.
Hyunjin was the one who let his actions speak louder than his words. When he would be entranced with something he would just stare at it and keep exclaiming loudly, having temporarily lost his ability to form coherent speech.
You however, had a bit more control of your emotions and let your words do the talking.
It was a perfect balance between you both. Even without words, Hyunjin loved you a lot. He let you do the talking, gazing at you with a lovestruck expression, your voice soothing him, and more often than not would he be lost in your expressions that he wouldn’t actually register what you were saying.
But you never got angry, pouting once in a while, but it was so endearing the way he would get all giggly when you acted cute.
Really, how could you ever hate him?
Even now, with all that had passed between you both, you didn’t hate him. If anything, you loved him more. And you hoped against hope, that whatever this fluttery feeling you had in your chest right, was not because of the boy standing on front of you.
But who were you trying to fool?
You gaze silently and sadly over the Seine river in Le Havre. This would be your final stop, after which you’d have to go back home.
Oddly, in the two years of your travelling, not once had you felt homesick. Maybe sometimes your heart ached when you saw the beautiful places that you thought you could have visited with a special someone, but it wasn’t enough to make you pine for home.
Now that you were already in the last city, you missed the good old days you had dates near the Han River in Seoul.
Was it still the same? Was anything still the same?
Your eyes wander about, taking in your surroundings, like a final goodbye.
Nights in Paris really were something. Almost like an intimate experience, your heart yearned to be one of those couples out there; kissing, holding hands and hugging.
You let the tears flow. You’re not sure whether they are solely because of a particular boy, but it might have also been because of the overwhelming feeling you had when you stood over the bridge.
An odd, sad yet endearing feeling. Like you were going to miss this place even though you only stayed here for two days.
But mostly because you felt so lonely. You wondered whether all solo travellers felt this lonely. They were always mingling with the local people, dancing, singing and having fun. Really, it was like they had nothing to lose.
But you wondered if at night, when they lay all alone in their hotel bed, did they feel lonely like you did?
Did they miss home? Did they miss their loved ones?
“You’re not doing that bad either. I heard that you’re now the lead choreographer for your company’s rising group.” You lean further on the railing, resting your chin on your hand.
He smiles, but there was something sad about it.
“Yeah, but at what cost?” He says, turning away from you.
You frown at this. Was he not happy? Was he having a hard time?
“What does that mean?” You voice your concerns, "Is something wrong?“
He looks at you as if trying to figure out whether you were really that dense or were just pretending. But you weren’t pretending, you really didn’t know.
"I lost you, didn’t I? All that hard work paid off, but in the end…I lost the most important person in my life.”
So this is what it was about. He was talking about you.
“You - I… don’t know how to respond to that really…” you trail off in a rather lame way.
“I don’t expect you to answer me, not after everything I did to you.”
You’re getting more and more concerned as this conversation escalates.
“Hyunjin, you can’t seriously be blaming yourself after all these years? You know that’s just so stu-”
“Jennie really gave me quite an earful after you left. I didn’t mind, because it was my fault after all, ”
But he rants on, as if he didn’t hear you.
“I realised what an absolute ass I was, doing that to you. I can’t even start with how ashamed and disgusted I was at my own actions, how I let my feelings become a priority in out relation, how I never considered your feelings and just kept on apoplgising lamely,” he takes a deep breath before continuing,
“And you never told me. Never told me how hurt you were, never showed your feelings to me,” He’s looking at you now with moist yet intense eyes. You could feel his strong emotions, how they were clearly displayed in his eyes.
A part of you broke. You had hurt him.
You had hurt him by not expressing your feelings in a better way.
“Y/n why…why did you do it?” He’s crying now, his voice cracking as he questions you with sincerity.
You blink away your own tears, sniffing and looking away. If there’s one thing you can’t stand to persevere through, was watching your loved ones cry in front of you.
But he holds you by the shoulders and makes you face him.
“Please tell me Y/n, I need to know. Why didn’t you hold me back?”
You take a deep breath, his touch feels foreign, yet familiar. You want to let your knees, which were shaking, to give away just so you could fall into his embrace.
“It’s because…it’s because I loved you, a lot. If I held you back, what would that make me?”
You daringly place a hand on his cheek, expecting him to flinch or resist your touch, but he leans into your touch, his eyes still fixed on your face with a look you only wished was what you expected it to be.
“I would never force you to be unhappy with me. Yes, it hurt me a lot when you said you didn’t love me anymore, ” you choke up a little but push on, three years worth of feelings all rushing out of you, “And I wanted to hold onto you, beg you to not leave me, come to some kind of conclusion but…you just looked so…unhappy with me.”
“Y/n,” he holds your hand placed on his cheek gently, “I was never unhappy with you. Not a single moment I spent with you was ever unhappy. Even when we fought, I could never stay mad at you. It’s just…We were so caught up in our own lives, we forgot about us. And I was so immature, maybe I still am but…I never stopped loving you.”
“I was stupid okay?” His harsh tone makes you flinch. You’re surprised at the amount of self hate this boy has.
“I only realised what I had done when you were no longer there in my life. I…I can’t believe I said that, god I’m so fucking stupid. I’m so sorry Y/n, I’m so fucking sorry, but I miss you so much. And I love you.”
“You love me?” Your voice is a hesitant whisper.
It feels like your mind just made that up, that Hyunjin confessing to you right now was a mere figment of your imagination.
“I love you,” this time his voice is determined, as if making sure that you know the truth.
“Guys it’s ten seconds to midnight!” Someone, Jisung probably, screams from inside.
“Y/n,” you can hear the others starting a countdown in excitement.
You hum in response, your shoulders touching as you stood ready to welcome the new year.
“Can we…is it possible for us to start again?” He asks hesitantly, but you hear the underlying sincerity in his voice.
8…7…6…seconds to the new year.
There are people who believe in the half empty glass, and then there are ones who believe in the half filled glass.
Just like that, there are two ways this night could end, or two ways a new year could start.
You know what you’re doing when you place your hands around his neck and pull him down ever so gently.
As if on cue, just like the old days, his hands snaked around your waist and leaves tingles down your spine.
The sky is filled with fireworks and the night with loud screams of ‘Happy New Years’ and cheers but you’re lost in the feeling of Hyunjin’s soft lips on yours, as he slowly but surely kisses you.
His kisses still felt great, a little teasing, a little passionate, but mostly, it conveyed his love.
You’re both moving with a slow and steady rythm, not too fast and not too slow. Just perfect.
When you pull apart, his lips are slightly swollen and his gaze is hooded. You hoped that this moment of bliss would never end.
As he held you close to his chest, your faces turned towards the sky splashed with vibrant colours of the fireworks, he hums in contentment.
Just the feeling of you back in his arms was exhilarating.
“We’ll make it work Y/n, I promise.” He mumbles into your hair.
You wholeheartedly agree with his words.
You might have failed in love the first time, but you’ll try again.
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