It's been a while, hasn't it? I didn't mean to sign in here. It's much too different for me; I'm not the guy whose vibe this was. But I suppose it's not so horrible to say what I wanted too here instead.
Someone really important to me has been gone awhile. That's not that new, I suppose, on this app. That's been a running theme my whole life, hasn't it? Losing people close to me. She was pretty important, this one. But I did that thing again where I let fear pollute my thinking & rationality. It took this long to finally sit down and figure out what's wrong with me and uh.. boy, did I. I've got a whole little bowl of alphabet soup issues with me but that doesn't change much. It just gives me awareness of how I process things.
I did something different though. I blocked her. Everywhere I could check, anyway. Now obviously this is what most people do from get once they split with a heavy heart but me? I believed. She said something really really powerful to me. Shook me, honestly. "There is no version of me that cannot grow to love you." And she said that only a short while before leaving. I really believed her. So I accepted what was wrong with me and that's taken time. Still is. I have hypnopompic hallucinations. The more I continue to watch idly, the more I agitate a system of tessellating conditions that made me worse. A self sustaining perpetual spiral. I experience these horrible waking nightmares that feel so real they make me very cheeky anxious which is ironic considering how much I preached about anxiety being "all in your head". Pretty fucking stupid, could've spared a lot of grief to have been honest but uh... Better late than never, I guess.
I had a nice night out. Saw a good movie, felt some things, shared some feelings, it was what I needed. I will always have hope somewhere in me to meet her anew. But I gotta start talking about something else. Anything, really. I was happy tonight and that's a start, yeah?
