Hi all.
It’s been a while. Six months, I believe? Way too long.
I’m alive and well. I haven’t been affected by CV yet, but I’ve gone through a whole bunch of life changes. I graduated college online, moved two states away, had to leave my job, got a new job and moved into an apartment. I just started my job a few days ago.
I will admit, I’m struggling. This is a whole lot of new things for me, being freshly out of college and now starting my first full time job. Trying to track down bills and utilities and groceries and bleh. I’m tired 24/7. My mental health could be much, much better. Granted, it’s a lot better than it ever was compared to my lowest, but I’m still struggling on a weekly basis to keep motivated. I’m probably going to seek help for it again soon.
I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing this, but I suppose it’s to say sorry for how long I’ve been gone.
I know I said in the past that I would be back in x amount of time, months, etc. I will admit I have a hard time adhering to things like that. I am a bit of a fickle person in that sense. Regardless, that does not excuse my absence.
I do still think about this blog a lot. I’m surprised my follower count has continued to increase in my absence. I expect it to drop after this post, at least a bit. It has been too long since I’ve posted anything solid and RP related.
I still RP as this muse, on a discord server in particular. Even that creative flow has become a trickle in the recent months. I enjoy building this muse, and the little quirks I have to employ when writing as them. I do want to come back to this blog.
I suppose, to put everything out in open air, I’m worried. Some part of me has a fear that I’ve failed those who follow me by not keeping up and posting semi-regularly. Maybe I have. I know I shouldn’t let this particular fear/worry get to me, but it gets under my skin a bit easier than most. In fact- it’s what killed my first RP blog so many years back. I started spending more and more time between updates, and began to worry about people judging me or thinking about me in a negative manner due to doing so. As such, it would take me longer and longer to type out responses to RP chains. And it just feeds into itself. I still have that mentality, unfortunately. I haven’t had the chance to break out of it via therapy yet.
So... at this point I don’t know what I’m going to do. I would like to continue this blog. I just don’t have the ability to assess how much time and energy it would take out of me each day. Maybe I need to like.... Idk. Put out a couple of consistent updates a week. I don’t want to force myself to push forward when I’m feeling down though, since that just kills the desire to even try. And I know if I don’t set a hard limit, I’m just going to let it wait till the very end until I update, which brews stress and pressure.
I’m not asking for sympathy or understanding. I’m.... Just venting I suppose. Trying to let you all know what’s been going on and why I’ve been radio silent for so long.
In any case. Thank you all for supporting me and RPing with me. I greatly appreciate everyone in this community who has attempted to interact or read along to this point in time. You all bring a little bit of light to my days.
I hope you all stay safe.
- Safi Mod