the simplest, most obvious question, and yet the one that he cannotāwill not, must not allow himself to answer.
what do you hope to gain.
she would never break if he turned her over to his master. he knows that too well. he knows her too well. she would not turn, would not supplicate herself before the sith as an inquisitor. she would not betray the living jedi or her insurgent allies. she would be strong, stronger than him, and she would die by his hand.
he had seen death spelled out by the force and he had taken another path. for an enemy, yes, a rebel, a rogue jedi, a threat, a targetā
he had saved her. he had stopped her from dying.
ābecause i am a fool,ā he says; he can give her no plainer answer than thatāother than, perhaps, because i am weak. hearing the strain in his own voice isāunpleasant. for all he had cursed the suit and mask in the years heād been confined to it, heās more keenly aware now than ever how much he relies on it, on the metaphorical mask of the vocabulator and affected diction hiding his voice and speech patterns as much as the literal one concealing his expressions.
the thought that his master will kill him if he suspects his insincerity is a dispassionate one by comparison. what secrets he has still managed to keep, those scarce few that were directly against his masterās wishesāall could damn him. all could have already damned him. perhaps his master is aware of everything, simply biding his time, allowing himself to be entertained by events as they unfold before he strikes decisively the moment vader no longer serves a purpose to him. vader has lived every moment of his ill-begotten life since his rebirth in the fire of mustafar awaiting death and does not fear it. not his own.
this is altogether the most reckless thing he has done in a very long time, but certainly she could say the same of her own actions.
i wonāt leave you. sentiment that should be sickening. thought sheād still kept up at least a pretense of fighting back until heād disarmed her, there had been no conviction in it from the moment sheād spoken that name. weak. pathetic. and yet heād still saved her life.
āperhaps not as foolish as you were in losing your resolve.ā he crosses his arms over his chest, prompting an audible whirr of complaint from the servos in his prostheses as he forces them to action despite their suboptimal function. the drained power to them is serving its purpose, at leastāaccording to the readout scrolling across his intact lens, the most critical systems are not in any danger of failure.
āclearly you did not take the jediās warnings against attachment to heart.ā
she wants to laugh at thatĀ ;Ā laugh at the absurdity of the notion of darth vader being foolishĀ .Ā the fear he has caused throughout the galaxy would only match the absurdity of his claimĀ .Ā how can such a frightening man be foolishĀ ?Ā ahsoka knows nowĀ ,Ā knows itās the case because it is her old master under the disconcerting suitĀ .Ā a man who wore his bleeding heart so obviously on his sleeve despite the precautions of such an actionĀ ---Ā that man was a foolĀ ,Ā but one she understoodĀ .
yet it is too easy to call it a moment of weaknessĀ ,Ā though ahsoka dare not refer to it as suchĀ ,Ā thereās more to this turn of eventsĀ ,Ā but even she is unsure of where any of this will lead themĀ .Ā she expected to die in that templeĀ ,Ā fighting with her last bit of strength till they both were free from the constraints of their existenceĀ .
ahsoka should have known better than to think her old master so easily defeatedĀ .Ā it seems his stubbornness translates into this existence as wellĀ .
smiling something bitterĀ ,Ā ahsoka gives him the satisfaction of her full attention when she speaksĀ .Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā and you have forgotten that i am no jediĀ ---Ā Ā āĀ Ā would she have left if she knew that this would be the future they both would be forced into livingĀ ?Ā it is a ā WHAT IF ā that sheās too afraid to confrontĀ .
āĀ Ā youĀ ,Ā of allĀ ,Ā would know attachment better than iĀ .Ā maybe you still doĀ .Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā there is no hesitancy in speaking the truthĀ .Ā he cannot intimidate her into a wordless stuporĀ ,Ā nor expect that ahsoka would allow him the opportunity in the first placeĀ .Ā she is aware of the silence and tension that her words have broughtĀ ,Ā but she holds her ground nonethelessĀ .Ā just because she is weaponless means nothingĀ ---Ā her words are just as deadlyĀ ,Ā if not worseĀ ,Ā and she has so much that she wishes to say to himĀ .
she is angry and hurtĀ ,Ā and sadĀ .Ā it seems such a simple word for the melancholy that tugs at her heartĀ ,Ā that surety that everything has all been for naughtĀ .Ā were they always destined to stand against each otherĀ ?Ā Ā
did the force not think it cruel to put them in this position in the first placeĀ ?
forcing her gaze to settle on the middle of his chestĀ ---Ā anywhere but at the flesh that betrays his humanity beneathĀ ---Ā she wonders if this is what true suffering isĀ .Ā Ā āĀ Ā there would be nothing left otherwiseĀ ---Ā without itĀ .Ā Ā āĀ Ā without the reassurance of another beingĀ ;Ā the inevitable validation that one is aliveĀ ,Ā but also the subsequent pain that comes withĀ .Ā he speaks of her attachment as if itās sillyĀ ,Ā a childās game thatās gone too farĀ ,Ā but he has played the game just as she hasĀ .Ā he simply got hurtĀ ,Ā then refused to tend to the festering wound that consumed him in retaliationĀ .
maybe her emotions betray herĀ ,Ā but better than the possibility of becoming a walking ghostĀ .Ā so much has already been lostĀ ;Ā the past sequestered away as if it means little to its participants ,Ā maybe she is ready to confront the skeletons in her closetĀ ,Ā even if it means at her own demiseĀ .
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