Seren-ity

This is a more personal blog to talk about things in my life that I am struggling with or discovering and hopefully not everything will be negative.

[tryingtofindseren]

Fuck my life right now.

[tryingtofindseren]

So that lichen sclerosis thing? Apparently it's just eczema. Yeah. It still acts up now and again and sucks royally. In new health related news I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday to talk about my irregular periods since I stopped taking the pill. From the looks of the bit of research I've done I might have pcos which sucks. But the symptoms for me pretty fucking well: irregular periods, acne, high cholesterol, overweight. Yeah, I might be wrong but it's looking pretty good for that. I guess I'll find out on Tuesday. I suppose I'll go back on the pill if it's really necessary to manage this, if it really is pcos.

[tryingtofindseren]

I was pretty much diagnosed with a rare skin condition yesterday, though I am being referred to a dermatologist for a second opinion. It's called lichen sclerosus and it is characterized by whitish patches of skin in your nether regions that can easily tear and most of the time itch unbearably. On one hand I am happy to finally have an explanation to the reason I am scratching myself down there until I bleed. Now I can do something about it. Reading more about it has really scared me though. It is a lifelong condition that never goes away. It can lead to scarring of tissue and can make your skin fuse together essentially, this could block off your clitoris or make your vagina smaller. Basically this condition means that chances are sex will be painful for you unless you are careful. This is so demoralizing to hear when you are a virgin. I don't want to have to be careful about sex unless I want to basically tear myself! I want to experiment and try different things. I am kinky and love the idea of bdsm related things and I don't know if having this is going to affect that. Maybe if I'd already had sex and it had been painful then this would be a relief or something but it's not. It's a life sentence saying that I'll never be able to enjoy something the way I want to. Oh and did I mention the 4% chance of developing skin cancer down there? Yeah, great.

[tryingtofindseren]

You get to a point sometimes where there is just no point in reaching out to certain friends. You message them and message them and rarely if ever get a reply. And they will say that they got distracted and forgot to reply but that doesn't change the fact that they never bother to try and contact you. I'm just tired of it really. Of being the one constantly trying to keep up a friendship that obviously isn't there anymore or they would obviously be trying a little harder. No one is so busy for forgetful that it takes months to reply to a person. Even if you forgot about the message at some point when you think of that person you will at least recall something. Unless you don't ever think of them.

[tryingtofindseren]

I like to think I am a good person sometimes, a person who likes people for who they are on the inside and not what they look like. And the inside is important to me, it really is! But I cannot say that looks aren't important to me. If I feel no sense of physical attraction to someone then it is not going to go anywhere. I feel like a horrible person for saying that.

It scares me that because of this I will never find anyone.

[tryingtofindseren]

I'm just tired and lonely. I should be feeling super excited about the con this weekend but all I can think about is getting a job cause I'm broke and how badly the semester ended. I'm not even sure if I want to do this stupid job or degree anymore and I hate that I feel that was because I don't want to quit. But I also don't want to do something that makes me unhappy.

I just feel like crying today if I really think about it and that's probably why I have been doing my best not to think about it today. I hate everything that is going on in my life right now.

I am tired of having to be strong or courageous. I want someone to see how tough the past few weeks have been on me and say something else other than 'you're so strong. keep your chin up now'. What if I don't want to be strong anymore! I am so fucking sick of it.

[tryingtofindseren]

I miss rping. I haven't had the time to in the past year or so and I really miss it. Actually, what I really miss is rping certain OC's of mine. These characters are a part of me. I want to be writing them. But they were all involved with characters my best friend had and I doubt it will start again any time soon. It makes me mad because I really want to rp with them but that feels like a betrayal or something. I guess I should mention that I view what happened with these characters to have essentially been a relationship between her and me even though it never went outside of our minds and I have no clue if she agrees.

I hate that it feels like betraying her characters. It's never going to happen so why shouldn't I be able to rp these characters? Bahh...

[tryingtofindseren]

The palms of my hands are killing me. There was so much dead skin on them from eczema that I picked/scratched off this morning.

[rebeccajane]

Let me love whom I choose.

Anyone else feeling pressure from tumblr and certain communities, to love both genders? At times it’s as though saying that you love/are attracted only to the opposite gender or write about love or life with a partner - using one type of pronoun is an insult.

No, this is my body and I’ve spent 21 years inside here, I know who I am - I am attracted to the opposite gender. My love life should not be your business and it’s not your place to tell me how I should be or who I should love.

We are all completely different and diversity can be an amazing thing. It’s okay to voice your opinion on anything in life providing that you’re not a jerk to the people with opposing arguments.

Please respect my choices in life as I do yours.

[tryingtofindseren]

Wonderfully worded. I respect the opinions of some of the comments I have seen on this but it doesn't change the fact that heterosexuality is completely valid and deserves to be respected on tumblr just as much as LGBTQ identifying people.

Yes, it may be easier for heterosexual people outside of tumblr but that doesn't mean that they deserve to be discriminated against here. Just because you are discriminated against does not mean you have the right to discriminate against others. It doesn't make it right.

[tryingtofindseren]

Told my mum today. She took it really well, though not that seriously. It went well though because she can relate, she picks as well. Maybe it's hereditary in a way. Or it could just be that I have seen her do it my whole life and just sort of picked it up as an acceptable thing to do. Interesting night though. At least she didn't just discount it.

[tryingtofindseren]

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Picked at the spoot on my shoulder until it started bleeding. Like, really bleeding. Ugh.. so not good.

[tryingtofindseren]

Just found a bit of blood on my pyjama top from a spot I picked at. The thing that gets me about it is I didn't even realize I picked that spot till it bled because it's on the back of my shoulder and there was no blood on my fingers. I picked until it bled and didn't realize. I know this is normal for derma but it still gets me. It's not like I haven't done it before either, I guess it's just seeing it stain my clothes like that.

[catcatcatcatcatcatcatcatcatcats]

[laughingstation]

"I told you both of us could fit." "I fucking hate you right now."

[tryingtofindseren]

Trying to fall asleep and I ended up scratching and picking at a bit of skin till it bled a bit. It stings now and I'm still tempted to keep picking. The skin there just felt weird. I also picked a lot at the workshop I was at. I have no idea why I do this. Ugh... Now that I know about it I am just so hyper aware of it.

[tryingtofindseren]

I feel like I want to talk to someone about this, parents or counselor or whatever, but I'm scared that they will just say that this is something I'm exaggerating and making more than it is.

[tryingtofindseren]

I feel like I've been picking more and I don't know if it's because I am or because I am hyper aware of it now that I've learned about dermatillomania. I'm still not picking anywhere close to what I'm sure some other people do and I keep having to try and stop myself from feeling guilty over that.

[cannabiscomrade]

It’s sleepover Friday send me asks:

anons

TMI’s 

tell me about your crush/tumblr crush

sexuality/gender shit 

confessions 

reverse TMI’s 

tell me why you followed me

assumptions 

tell me something you like/dislike about me