[tsarinasol-m]

[annagcart]

· alina starkov, the sun summoner ·

I’m so excited to finally see the show this week!!!

[strlessone-archived]

DECLARATIONS MADE IN THE DARK RARELY MAKE IT TO THE LIGHT - but in this case , he thinks that it is safe to say that it cannot be forgotten. They spend far too much time together for it to simply fade away into the night and Aleksander had known that when he had spoken the words out loud. FOR THIS REASON ALONE , REGRET DOES NOT SERVE HIM.

"I have never been so certain of anything in my life." & OH WHAT A TERRIFYING THOUGHT THAT IS. To be so absolute in this matter. To know that not a single event has changed how he feels , or rather , how the half dead heart inside him feels. His anger , his rage ; NONE OF IT HAS FADED , although he thinks he understands her far better now without the Merzost clouding his judgement. That for a moment , however briefly , he understands her defiance in the matter of the fold. THERE WERE MOMENTS HE FOUND HIMSELF BOTH CURSING HER ; and wishing to protect her from what this world had in store for her. 'Let me be your monster' he had told her once. He fears that day will come far too soon - because the careful peace she thinks Nikolai has built will eventually grind to a halt. THERE IS NO WORLD IN WHICH IT CAN BE PERMANENT. As long as Otkazats'ya held the power , the Grisha would be at their mercy. Still , he buries those thoughts for a moment. "It's really not long at all , in the great scheme of things. Besides , i have come to realize a great deal many of things make us weak , little saint." HIS GAZE MEETS THE CEILING ONCE MORE , his voice a gentle caress. "You taught me that lesson."

[tsarinasol-m]

so this is what mortality truly looks like on him; where before, when he was without it, if he had ever claimed to be so certain as this alina might have scoffed and thought it just another tactic he was playing at, immortal life laying waste to the stakes everyone else is forced to live by––for what is failure when you have eternity to try, try, try again––she honestly considers him now. lying and manipulating have no use here; he isn't to leave no matter what happens within these four walls, nor could he, bones still bringing forth the sort of singing surety others would kill and die for, while his blood is no longer blackened by merzost ... meaning his mortal mind is no longer clouded with it either, the only danger around him to be found outside.

for all the time that it had come from within, however, alina knows better now, like he does. like he should. like everyone comes to learn in their lives, every otkazats'ya or otherwise: there is no time to waste. none like the present, anyway, and if one ever finds themselves lucky enough to also find the right person to waste it away with, what could be more precious in a world so finite?

she had once believed she had found that with mal. she wonders if aleksander could ever feel what she had in those days, if his heart could ever do something so juvenile as skip and squeeze how hers had now that his could stop in due time. she wonders if his world could ever slow at the sight of her, the harshness of it all yielding just for them ... made weak in the best of ways. or maybe, she wonders if he could feel the way she does now––like she's been nursing a spark of heat in kindling only to find there was always a fire crackling nearby, keeping her warm before she ever realized. like fresh starts amid second chances, like forgiveness.

" well ... this is still my first lifetime yet––it's long to me. " she manages, finding in the ensuing silence that she says it in the hopes of bringing him comfort. her first, his last––something neither will ever forget. although the longer the silence stretches on, the more alina fears they may have been the wrong words, growing restless enough until she props herself up on an elbow and tries again in a lighter whisper. " ––you'd better not mean with my cooking. at least i've spared us any herring. " under the cloak of darkness, she wills him to smile, waiting with bated breath to hear it in his reply. she could light the whole cottage, but she wants to earn it.

[lovestereo]

Visit Original Link

[flowerytale]

“The Daffodils” or “Persephone Emerging from the Underworld”, from Andrea Zanatelli’s embroidery series

[strlessone-archived]

HER THOUGHTS ARE THE RUSH OF A WATERFALL - a comforting sound and yet at times , a jarring one too. He wonders if she realizes he can hear everything , and just not what she wishes for him to hear. WHEN HIS BELOVED MOTHER HAD SEVERED HIS HAND FROM HIS BODY , they had both believed the bond destroyed and yet here was rather solid proof that such a thing was not possible for not even his own death could end it. Once , where he might have been satisfied by this , even amused ; he finds it maddening. TO EXIST BUT NOT TO EXIST. To know every waking moment of living with his voice was quite possibly causing her some kind of torment. After all , how would she explain it to anyone outside the two of them? how could she look her friends in the eye knowing that he wasn't truly gone - the threat defeated perhaps , but not non existent. Not entirely.

"Most likely , but i would urge you not to end your life , Alina. No good can come of it. It would be a waste." IT IS HARD TO ASCERTAIN IF HE IS SIMPLY SAYING IT FOR SELFISH REASONS ; or because Aleksander cannot conceive of a world where she does not exist. It was likely a mix of both ; although he was certain she had already figured that out. "I was always fighting. In some way or another but not all fighting looks like fighting." THIS PART , echoed in the chambers of her mind , is tinged with a particular kind of sadness. That of a lonely child - fearing for his life , for his mothers life. That of a thirteen year old , struggling against the ice as his best friend attempted to kill for in order to ensure her own survival. "I expect a day will come when you find yourself relentlessly fighting too." HE COULD MOCK HER - for whatever fragile belief she had in the demon king , but he knows he does not need to. Deep down he knows she is well aware that either Nikolai Lantsov will not be able to keep the peace forever , or he will die and that will leave Ravka open for the taken. "Perhaps you should have taken his offer to be his queen." It's scathing , unfair & deliberately calculating as she likely knows but he cannot find it in himself to hide how he feels. "My feelings for the current Tsar aside - you would have been the better choice for ruler."

[tsarinasol-m]

it would be a waste, he claims, but that comes as cold comfort, if any at all––registering as little more than a warning from a man who still has a vested interest in keeping her alive. he'd tried to dissuade her from this before, though by far more brutal means, a lifetime seemingly passed since then. if it isn't her power he thinks she ought to share––or simply hold fast to now that he cannot be here in the flesh to share it with––then it's likely this space in her mind; or so alina tells herself. an end to a means. it would be easier if that were all that it was, after all.

then maybe it would be easier to wipe her guilt and shame clean away like a slate; and if that could be done, then surely it would be easier to recall his last moments without her breath catching in her throat traitorously, or her heart twisting something sharp and painful. but no, she remembers the wet gasps and final desperate pleas all too well, and the fear––albeit not of death, but of being alone.

maybe there's something poetic in that, if alina dared dismiss his urgings, her last moments wouldn't be spent alone either. he could repay her that.

as it is, his words hardly inspire confidence: she feels like she's still at war, that that day he speaks of has long been here, even if the battles are now silent, invisible, far worse demons than even his remnants are to her––not that it doesn't pain her to be among friends and know that the man they so hated is still alive within her somehow. it hurts worse when, even knowing all that he's done to all of them, part of her still wishes he were ... here. for more than to simply take back what she shouldn't possess. at the very least, he can't taunt them with that knowledge. in fact, he can't taunt anyone but her, a strange safety in that––though one that has more to do with the fact that there is little point in hiding anything from him for the sake of her pride or dignity; he seems to know all regardless.

" and rule with you in my head? not likely. " alina mumbles, the retort half - hearted, already flagging. " not to mention––we would've been married. i couldn't ... keep something like this from him, not like that. i can only just manage it now because ... " her voice trails, too many reasons to settle on just one––though perhaps the loudest might be that she'd have to tell nikolai she'd want to find a way to shake aleksander out of her head ... and into his old self again. as if feeling such turmoil isn't already questionable without that conspiracy. " do you think you'll always be with me like this? until the end? do you wish you could rest? "

[alinaastarkov]

There is no light without darkness. Without me, you have no counter, no balance. Let me carry the hatred of this world. Let me be your monster… (insp)

[tsarinasol-m]

i really only made this blog to write with my friends so if being incorrectly flagged is my lot in life then whatever

[tsarinasol-m]

this made me laugh during these trying times

[tsarinasol-m]

make that three times

[tsarinasol-m]

watching s.anditon every week is just watching the show versions of v.asily and the a.pparat be their silliest goofiest selves

[mournfulroses]

Tommy Olofsson, tr. by Jean Pearson, from a poem featured in “Elemental Poems,”

[alicent-florent]

ALINA STARKOV and NIKOLAI LANTSOV SHADOW AND BONE — 2x04: “Every Monstrous Thing” (2023)

[tsarinasol-m]

continuation, @koroldemonov.

her touch does not remove once he's unshackled, thumb lightly tracing over the raw skin of his wrist, other fingers curling beneath it––cradling it. her mouth flattens into a grimace, because for as tenderly as she may touch him, she can only imagine how much more tender he feels; after all, the sunlight streaming in only illuminates how pallid he is come morning, shadowed eyes standing out in stark contrast. but, for a moment ... alina swears they're alight with something, and on the slim chance that her own sleepless night hasn't lent to some wishful hallucination, her resolve strengthens when it isn't rejection she's immediately met with.

" ––pretty well, all things considered. " all promises absolved, more like. the salt air has done mal well, and among his new crew, he's just as charming and brave as he ever was before, back when he'd swaggered about the ranks of the first army, admired by all. " he still hopes to stay a few days and catch up, but ... " alina trails, gently withdrawing her hands and rising once more, gaze sweeping around his rooms as if it could outrun the gravity of her next words. " my place—it's here, with you. i think he could tell that, too, before i said a word. "

[literarymedicine]

— Gwendolyn MacEwen, from “Mermaids & Ikons: A Greek Summer,”

[goatsandgangsters]

Ain’t it warming you, the world gone up in flames? Ain’t it the life of you, your lighting of the blaze?

[strlessone-archived]

@tsarinasol

[strlessone-archived]

" A shame , truly." WHETHER OR NOT HE MEANS IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN , but the clear irritation in his tone cannot be ignored. Grey gaze finds Alina for a moment , bottom lip curling into a sneer. "Perhaps i wouldn't scoff , if i didn't find the concept of everything that comes out of my dear cousins mouth to be terribly boring." THE POWERLESS DARKLING LEANS BACK IN THE CHAIR , fingers now curling against the upholstery. "That being said , he would not have come here without a reason." THEY BOTH KNEW MALYEN DISLIKED HER DECISION TO KEEP WATCH OF ALEKSANDER. "So i am curious to know as to why he was here."

[tsarinasol-m]

" is this your way of saying that i bore you so much that you're finally willing to sit and listen to something about mal? " she doesn't quite smile, though her lilting tone is laced with amusement so evident she hardly needs to. aleksander doesn't seem half so impenetrable these days; from his all too visible disdain, to how transparently he tenses with suspicion, to how most nights end with her patiently awaiting the droop and flutter of his eyelids under the glow of her light ... he seems more human now in a way that has little to do with his actual mortality anymore. maybe it is simply the lack of danger and darkness, or maybe it's just that alina's since committed to memory what he looks like when his face smooths in sleep, like he trusts her enough to let down the weight of his burdens for a while. for that, she almost doesn't want to add any more while he's awake. " he ... wanted to say hello. " she replies finally. lie. albeit, in truth, only half of one. " to tell me about keramzin, and our friends. "

[alicent-florent]

JESSIE MEI LI and BEN BARNES behind the scenes of Shadow and Bone: No Funerals