Turtles all the way to the unknown
I just finished reading turtles all the way down by John Green. It is the first book I have finished this year, and probably the first physical fiction book that I have read after University. I have always been fond of reading. From going to bookstores, browsing through bookshelves, going to book bazaars, hoarding books and sniffing them like it was sort of a drug— I’ve done all of it, and I love it. But university stress and reading academic books made my imagination on hold. Maybe it was my course that required me to read about the life of great philosophers, the law of supply and demand, the history of UN, down to colonizers explorations, and up to politicians that suck to the core. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my course. I love studying International Law, learning about diplomacy, and how International affair works. But you know, studying suck sometimes, or maybe it’s not studying that sucks. What sucks is knowing the truth about everything. The power of knowing something, and the thing that it does to you. You know, our mind is wonderful yet annoying. We cannot ‘un-know’ the things that we already knew about. We cannot un-hear the stories we heard, and we cannot un-see the things that we saw even if we wanted to so much. Just like our life, we cannot stop things that is bound to happen. We cannot undo things that we have already done. What we can do is to think about it over and over again. Ask for the ‘what ifs’ and question our existence.
There is a quote in Turtles all the way down that perfectly describes my life right now. It says
“The thing about spiral is, if you follow it inward, it never actually ends. It just keeps tightening infinitely.”
Our questions never stops. Our thoughts are like spiral, the more we think about it, it leads to one thing to another. It is a never ending cycle, sometimes it gets better, but sometimes it also worsens.
I alway thought that after I finished University, my life would unfold to itself. I have plans in life. I already planned it out since I was a child. I always thought that after I finished my degree, I will get a job, then enroll my self in law school. After law school, I will take bar, and when I passed and become an attorney, then I will get married, have children, establish a law firm, then live happily ever after. But life is not like that. I am already done with my degree, 1 semester ahead than my batch. I’m just waiting for my graduation march, and while I am waiting I plan to get a job, enroll to law school next school year, and study until I reach the next stage. Seems easy, right? I just need to fulfill my plan and everything will be perfectly fine. Never have I thought that adulting is hard like this. For one, it’s not easy to find a job. I applied for work right after I am done with school, it’s been 2 months and I still dont have a job. I applied and got until the final interview, I know I’m competent, I am a student leader for pete’s sake! I finished my degree advanced, and yet even if you seem the best, efforts are still not appreciated. Sometimes I worry that maybe it’s my fault. If I didn’t hurried finishing my degree I probably be not this worried. All that I will be worrying is my assignments, quizes, exams, and recitations. But now that I have my time, I still feel like I am more of a busy body now that I have nothing to do. My mind works 24/7 right now. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, and honestly, i feel like I am more free before even when I am locked in my school obligations, than right now that my only obligation is to navigate my life to the way that I wished to go to.