TSW - 42 Months? It's been nearly a year since my last post in February 2016. Things really improved for me this year after getting to a place where my skin was healthy enough to allow me to start working. Although my workplace is only 2 blocks away from my apartment, it was leaps and bounds out of my comfort zone. Talking to strangers and being in public was really challenging at first, but slowly it became normal again. I could wear makeup, but rarely needed to. I went on dates with Boyfriend, traveled to California and Las Vegas, graduated from college, even cut off all my hair (which was my ultimate security blanket). My skin maintenance routine got simpler and simpler, until I was just showering and moisturizing with shea butter. No reapplications. No shedding. It was glorious, but I couldn't wrap my head around it. Against all odds, I healed and it still didn't make me happy. I was still so full of rage and sadness about the pain I endured. And then winter came. And now my skin is back to shit. Everything feels so fucking futile and pointless. This is just a never ending cycle of misery and pain and it won't stop until this life is over. Perhaps that sounds dramatic, but thems the facts. I look at the handful of selfies I took this year and know I wasn't really happy in any single one of them. I know I still don't like being in pictures. Or being anywhere that isn't my bed. I drag myself into work where I pretend that everything is ok and try to cover the spreading rashes. I know that someday soon I'll have to leave my job and crawl back into bed for good.
