i want your fangs to go so deep they touch my soul

reach out to within. just the journal of a cryptid who lives in ur attic. don't fear the end, it continues.

[tt20260]

idk UGH i feel like me n 'Eph' are moving too fast and i definitely need to tell him we need to take it back a notch. we're acting like we're dating when we're not. this is how i ended up in a relationship w Lukas, i thought "oh we're sexually computable why not date?" AND TURNS OUT WE WERE NOT COMPATIBLE AT ALL. and im not doing that again. im realizing i want my romantic partners to feel like im dating a best friend, not a fuck buddy. Almost every time he comes over we end up having sex, it feel expected now which is another thing i dont like. And like now, when Eph comes around i feel obligated to kiss him, lean on him, and all this stuff WHEN WE'RE NOT DATING. and i like him but i think hes REALLY into me and im not at that level yet.

[tt20260]

LOL we ended up dating and we broke up bc he assaulted an (ex) friend of mind but that was last year LOL I forgot about this being my digital journal blog WHOOPOPOOSS

[tt20260]

idk UGH i feel like me n 'Eph' are moving too fast and i definitely need to tell him we need to take it back a notch. we're acting like we're dating when we're not. this is how i ended up in a relationship w Lukas, i thought "oh we're sexually computable why not date?" AND TURNS OUT WE WERE NOT COMPATIBLE AT ALL. and im not doing that again. im realizing i want my romantic partners to feel like im dating a best friend, not a fuck buddy. Almost every time he comes over we end up having sex, it feel expected now which is another thing i dont like. And like now, when Eph comes around i feel obligated to kiss him, lean on him, and all this stuff WHEN WE'RE NOT DATING. and i like him but i think hes REALLY into me and im not at that level yet.

[counttwinkula]

hey did you know that uhh

i. the monster's body is a cultural body

ii. the monster always escapes

iii. the monster is the harbinger of category crisis

iv. the monster dwells at the gates of difference

v. the monster polices the borders of the possible

vi. fear of the monster is really a kind of desire

vii. the monster stands at the threshold… of becoming

[tt20260]

WOW!!!!! I've abandoned this blog WOOF and i probably will again. Cycles! Its all a cycle.

SO UPDATE (8/11/2023)

i greened more stuff off my bucket list!

I started a new job at Levy at OSU stadium, the pay is AMAZING

this weekend is gonna be a rave and camping weekend!!! It'll be my first time camping and im really excited! And ill get to green another thing off my list bc i know for a fact we're gonna get high EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH

ITS GONNA BE A FOUR DAY WEEKEND!!

been getting back into my craft more. wanna look into chaos magic and being more free and lose in my magic. I've been researching for SOOO FUCKING LONG, LITERAL YEARS. its time i do some ACTUAL spells, divination (i need to study tarot again/more). i also wanna learn astrology too! maybe i should put that in my bucket list?? HMMMMMMMM we'll see.

[tt20260]

Me n frankoe wozrad battle with with crazy tools just so we could get the room to smell for when we were about to smoke......

i seriously FELT that shit. ii had a weapon that was a link orb attached to more pink lightning type magic and it was attached to a handle that ii was holding. The electricity from when me and Frankie weapons collided, i literally felt the vibrations and the pressure in my chest from screaming.

By the dream of the dream the room we were in was filled with smoke that smelled really good and we basically like mission accomplished lol and we were on this really tall bed and the sun was hitting the room just right

Jun 23, 2023 7:13am

[devils-queen]

✞ 666 ✞

[tt20260]

March 2 2023

I QUIT MY JOB AT AGAVE AND RYE LAST WEEK!!!!! :D

My tattoo job is going good and ii actually feel pretty great about life!!!!

[tt20260]

Past life???

I saw an inage in my head of some kund of stone train station, lots of archs, kinda dark. I was with someone, a man I think

[tt20260]

5:55pm December 8th, 2022 Thursday

On the bus ride to work today ii got ibto my head a bit. ii feel like iim in a loop. ii don't like how my life is right now. ii hate working at agave and rye and working in general, ii don't hyper focus on thibgs anymore, ii barely have special interests anymore, and ii feel like ii can stop self sabotaging and ii don't know why.

ii want to live comfortably, make art, and get high w my friends. why does seem so hard to achieve. its ok. its going to be ok. 2023 is coming up and shiit LITERALLY HAS to change. ii can't take this. ii feel like in hell. never ending hell loop.

hotta make art. lots of art. gotta believe in myself more. save up for better art equipment. I NEED TO GET MOTIVATED. ii plan on taking a lot of days off work. ii think ii also need to learn how to be by myself again. iive become to attach to ppl and that might also be the problem? iim constantly wanting to in the presence of ppl that ii feel weird when alone. unmotivated.

SHIT IS GONNA CHANGE. ITS GONNA BE OK

[tt20260]

I'm crossed at queerbomb and chech played w my hair and me and rylan made out

12/04/2022

[tt20260]

roxxie: "he's so happy"

rylan: "this is a funeral"

[obeliskandmetronome]

[raqhaelia-deactivated20241212]

[tt20260]

it is currently 4:20 and iim high at the bus stop.

ii hate working

[tt20260]

the relationship you have with your mother is the relationship you have with yourself and the relationship you have your father is the relationships you have with other people.

-rylan, 2022

[tt20260]

HELLO TUMBLR JOURNAL

its been ages huh...

10/4/2022

at work rn (agave and rye) and ii just wanted to come on here update while iim in the bathroom. SO HERE IT GOES

me and vyx decided to just be friends rn which has been pretty good!! but we've flirting here and there still, just little shit LOL

Sunday night me, frankie, AP, and wes got blasted and watched house of the dragon. It was awesome!! and later that night me and wes had sex!!!! we made out at haydens bday party awhile back and ii kinda got the thought like "oh? so this is an option between us? got it" ❤

and then yesterday night ii fucked my neighbor lukas!!! that was awesome, he came A LOT.

having sex with tall ppl is....an experience ii will say.

ii might make a seperate post going into my experience with wes and lukas but not rn! ii have to go back to working soon pfttfffff

ALSO!!!!!! I STARTED TESTOSTERONE !!!!!! ii started w 20 but moved up to 50! iim so fucking ready

[tt20260]

ii remember his hands on me

his fingers gliding on my neck

sensation climbing onto me

whispers whispers whispers

ii remember his mouth

sweet nothing pouring out

his breath on my back

whispers whispers whispers

sent deep into my memory

whispers whispers whispers

echoeing inside of me

ii remember the scent of him

the scent of oblivious excitement

whispers whispers whispers ×2

ii remember ×3

[tt20260]

ii wanna do destructive things to my body that ii believe would freeing.

ii wanna tear my back out, rip my ribs from spine to reveal my black wings so ii can fly.

ii wanna peel back the skin on my fingernails to make my nails appear longer and disorienting so people would fear my touch.

ii wanna sharpen my teeth to bite hands that are trying feed me. hands meant to care for me.

ii wanna be the monster my younger self saw me as. ii don't know where that reflection came from. it just always seemed to be there.

back then the reflection was scary, but now its seems like a version of myself that is free.

free from the idea of hands that once loved you suddenly being rough and unloving.

fear from the idea of your own hands some how poisoning those you touch.

free from the idea of being trapped in one place.

the isloated freedom of being the monster