#brain spill

[medievalfantasyqueen]

Just figured I'll dump things here. For starters, I'm not upset. I'm not suicidal. Nothing like that. It's just that I feel empty. I am 30 and I am at a place I never expected myself to be... but entirely different. When I was 20 I expected that when I am 30 I would be fully independent, on my own, living the life of my somewhat dreams. With a good job, maybe a nice man, maybe in a nice country that is not where I came from, with my own life and rules and shit like that. But thing is, life now is better than it was 10 years ago. I go for conventions. I cosplay. I collect my figurines and plushies. I play my video games for hours uninterrupted. I can draw relatively somewhat okay in a way that I like what I produce. I am allowed to do things, to go out with friends and all that shit. I have a curfew but I suppose it is relatively reasonable at like 10 at night. But I am 30. I look at my friends with their shit - the ones back home I went to school with - and they are all in different stages of their life, even younger ones, even juniors. And I am just repeating, just a different shade. Still same house. Same people. Same lack of space. And as I grow older and older the stagnancy grows more and more. I have lost my job. I am met with the startling realisation that if I did somehow by some shred of miracle found my way out I would have no means of paying my own shit. And I look around the world and everyone's headed to fascism shit. Men are shit in generally and the good-ish ones I kind of knew are taken or not swinging my way. I don't have a job. I am paid not even peanuts. AI is ruining everything. Fascism is ruining everything. I am at a place I didn't expect but I am at a place I don't know what to make of. I honestly don't know and honestly speaking I am absolutely literally holding on for games and shows. Quite literally. Most days it's fine. Some days, it returns like today for no reason whatsoever. I don't know what to do.

Again I emphasise - I am safe. I am not hurting myself nor do I intend to, and no one around me will hurt me.

I'm just lost I guess. Idk. Tired? Maybe/ Exhausted. Definitely. Annoyed? Probably. Do I hate a great many things? Yea.

It's impossible to look at the planet and realise that we are all living a finite life and yet some lives are so shockingly different.

It's just how life is but I guess.

I have no clue how to project onto a future anymore cos all it does is get confusing and disappoint me.

I just want to stay on I guess. Keep doing the teeny tiny things I like. At least there is some things I look forward to.

Meanwhile I shall keep smiling.

I guess.

[lofi-bunni]

We need more SMT+!Yuu

I need more SMT+!Yuu. There’s two things that come to mind. A Yuu that works by P5 rules and can go into the collective unconsciousness to change peoples distortions or a Yuu which has a merry band of demons following them around and that listens to them like servants while also having distinct personalities and unfathomable abilities. Yuu’s like a Pokémon trainer except with gods…

Now image P5 Yuu in the twst universe. They go in there pretty normal and are still considered magic-less but the students talk about them having glow eyes. Turns out their just using whatever ability they have that highlights things and lets them see confidant/social link ranks. But the kicker would be in a overblot fight where they go into whatever NRC’s collective unconsciousness is and beat the shit out of the dorm heads shadows while their friends fight them on the outside. It would make the whole tragic backstory dump feel less shoe horned in.

Now what about Yuu who has a bunch of demon servants/summons. They have either a device that stores them or their all inside of Yuu’s brain talking to them and being released whenever. Ramshackle would be so much more lively

I wanna give Yuu some “default demons” that I feel fit the vibe.

Jack and Black Frost. Mainly because Jack Frost is Atlus’s mascot and black frost seems like the overblotted version of him and is equally iconic.

Alice! Another Iconic smt demon who fits into the twst world perfectly! Image NRC’s reaction to her, “Die for Me :)” perfect.

Idun. I don’t know she would fit very well into chapter 5. A apple themed idol goddess who heals, just a perfect counter to Vil’s OB and hey maybe they even get in on the VDC action and teach Yuu how to dance!

Mephisto. He fits very well into the twst world as well and gives me slight Crowley vibes.

Yoshitsune. All these high level demons for Yuu! Yoshitsune is a must have if Yuu’s gonna “I’ve done the hero’s journey before motherfucker.” Their way through this!

Continuing on that train, Trumpeter, Metatron, and Titania. Titania actually has a theme for twst though. Diasomnia in particular. Since Titanias the Queen of fairies and has that whole sleep theme to her.

They probably have more stored somewhere (idk man..) but those seems like the most important.

Imagine Crowley chiding Yuu for, “Not keeping track of your familiar!” And Yuu going, “You mean this sad excuse for a Cait Sith??”

“You wanna see familiars? I’ll show you familiars >:)”

“All my friends are dead :)”

Wait omg the angst potential of the darker smt world plus the multiple voices in their head jeysjehdhnshwhw YES

“I’ll paint your roses red alright…”

“I’ve killed god! You think a little sand in my eye will stop me from kicking your ass!”

“Sign a contract??? I’ve done that like…” *starts counting on fingers.* “uggh… hasn’t worked out most of the time.”

“Ah this mind control is some trouble… nothing a little brainwash can’t override!”

“Manager? Well I guess I manage a bunch of crazy’s on the regular, what can a little dancing do to hurt, hell Idun could help out.”

*one almost murder later*

“And I was getting worried life was taking it a little easy on me…”

Just an absolute crack idea that I thought would be fun to think about.

[schiffekentern]

Du hast mich vor die Tür gesetzt, einfach rausgeworfen, so wie meine Eltern damals, als ich 19 war.

Du hast mich herausgeworfen, meine Eltern haben mich herausgeworfen, denn ich belastete zuviel.

Ich war eine zu große Bürde um mich weiter zu tragen. Ich habe zu viele Probleme mit nach Hause gebracht. Ich habe zu viel emotionales Chaos ausgelöst. Ich habe zu viel Unruhe in unser Zuhause gebracht. Was ich einst Heimat nannte ist jetzt ein fremder Ort für mich geworden. Der Mensch der sie bewohnt sieht mich nicht mehr mit den gleichen Augen. Über einen langen Zeitraum hinweg bin ich ein Fleck geworden, ein Fleck der ausradiert werden musste. Meine Selbstbestimmung wird nicht anerkannt wenn ich letztendlich sage, dass ich dich für wenigstens ein Jahr nicht mehr besuchen möchte um mich selbst zu schützen. Sie wird mit Füßen getreten. Sie wird missachtet, ignoriert, ausgelacht. Es ist dir egal. Du tust so, als wären wir nie Familie gewesen, als hätte ich dir nicht einst alles bedeutet, nicht einmal als ich an Weihnachten als einzige Person bei dir war. Nein, denn du hast jetzt neue Dinge die dich beschäftigen... und du wirst andere Menschen besuchen die dir wichtig sind. Du brauchst mich nicht mehr um dir Beistand zu leisten. Du entziehst dich meiner Fürsorge, du beraubst mich deines Mitgefühls. Kein Anzeichen der alten Liebe lässt du mich noch spüren, bin ich ja auch schuld, bin ich ja diejenige die sie dir ungenießbar machte, sie zu einer Last machte, einer täglichen und fürchterlichen Aufgabe der du nicht mehr gewachsen sein wolltest, unsere Liebe ist nun tot und fortgegangen. Ich kann dich nicht zwingen, mich zu respektieren oder mir Beistand zu leisten. Ich will nichts von dir einfordern, was dich Mühe kostet mir zu geben. Jedoch will ich dass du weißt, dass ich diese Mühen für dich jederzeit wiederholen würde, und noch mehr. Ich war bereit, jede emotionale Qual durchzustehen, nur um deiner Freundschaft wieder würdig zu sein. Ich wollte deine Aufmerksamkeit, deine zwischenmenschliche Beziehung, einfach irgendetwas, das etwas bedeutet. Ich konnte nicht wissen dass dein Herz schon zu kalt und zerstochen ist, um mir das noch zu geben.

[urlocalkpoptrash]

Listen, Hobi is my ult and tae is my HARDCORE bias wrecker.

But NAM MOTHER FUCKIN’ JOON has some GOD DAMN power over my ass. I would literally give my left titty for that man.

&

Jungkook also has a special part in my heart. I want to protect him, and put a flower in his hair and give him head pats and nose boops - however, I also want him to put me ten toes to god.

Im an OT7 bitch, and they all have taken turns fucking me up, but those four are just ruining my life.

[nihil-exitus]

"I hate grape soda" digital redraw. 2020.

[youre-my-boshaw-baby]

My friends always tell me I get carried away, Sometimes I spit when I talk cuz I have so much to say. They don't seem to hear me but I guess it's okay, It's not their fault my minds working overtime with no pay. They always say the same things and it's starting to get old; That my head can't get sick, It can't catch a cold! But I scratch and I pick, My insecurities poke. My fears, my anxiety, a voice that provokes. “Don't speak unless you're spoken to, little girl. Someday you will find your place in the world, But ladies don't get dirty. Someday you'll learn to fill the empty space With empty faith.”Every day feels like a battle and I always get hurt, I was frequently told violence was never the answer but life doesn't abide by the rules of a child. And I don't know how to fight only taught how to surrender. There's a certain kind of darkness that does a reaping, It usually takes you right before you are sleeping...Is it the crack in the door that it finds a way to creep in? Or the crack in your brain that wants you to drop dead?I don't remember what it's like to see with clear vision, I awake every morning like the dead has arisen. They tell me to hush, like I have no voice out side of “Why”?

[lofi-bunni]

All A Dream

Fyodor told himself it was all a dream. The day he dawned the equipment and was given the gun…controlling elemental energy, only the chosen and blessed were able to do it and yet here he was with that power just in his hands. In the form of a rifle he could blast out molten hot bullets infused with pyro. He was dreaming, he had to be… no way someone like him was just given this?

The power was intoxicating. He could bend fire to his will like it was nothing, the rifle fit smoothly in his hand and shot just as he willed. Like it was made for him.

His mission this week was to accompany his superior and some of his fellow agents to “confront” some women about leaking Fatui secrets or something like that, Fyodor honestly wasn’t paying too much attention. This was his first mission with his superior and much more experienced agents! He needed to impress them. The mere fact that he was put on a team with them was a testament to his ability, he rose through the ranks with relative ease and the fact that he could prove himself further was a dream come true, he was gonna not only prove himself to his seniors no, he would do better.

He held the barrel of the gun to her head. Her eyes were wide and pulsing with fear, he smiled down at her. “This is what you get for raising a hand to the Fatui. Nothing but nuisances to be stomped out!” The words felt unnatural in his mouth but came out nonetheless. The eyes staring up at him turned to that of pure hatred so visceral that it made him flinch. They burned into him as he felt his skin begin to heat despite the armor being explicitly fire proof. “You Fatui are nothing but cowards!” The women spat out in a rage. “Some day justice will be brought down upon you scum and it will not hesitate to take everything!” Fyodor could only let out a nervous laugh as he brought the barrel further down into her head. She leaned into it, maintaining her piercing glare. He hesitated, the women closed her eyes…then he fired.

“Move move MOVE!” He heard shouted in the distance. He could barley comprehend it, it was all a blur. They were under attack by the Traveler as many of his ally’s were in the past. He moved back just in time before a Geo spike came from below knocking a fellow comrade to the ground. There was no time for them to get up though as the Traveler came down a second later. A stomp from above to the back…his spine shattered. Fyodor jumped back once again and took aim. The traveler swiftly dodged it with ease and stated to make their way towards him with blinding speed, lines of anemo indicating the use of their powers. Fyodor leapt back again, this time stumbling a bit before taking aim once again. He hammed up his ability to its max, shield going up and coating him in a warm layer of protection as the traveler slashed down where he once was. The traveler took a swing that barely missed him. This is my chance! He aimed and fired two bullets of pyro. They rushed through the air at blinding speed straight towards the travelers skull. The travelers head whipped up towards the bullets before they drew back to unleash an electro attack. The electro and pyro projectiles collide and sent off an explosion knocking Fyodor back and chipping away at his shield, barely a scratch. The traveler rushed at him once again anemo coating on their heels in a flash. The shift from purple to green on their outfit stood out against the dark of the encampment. Fyodor reloaded but before he could send another shot the sound of crackling filled his ears. He looked down to see the travelers electro infused blade against his stomach, the shield chipped once again. “Damn it!” , He let out between his teeth. He jumped back a few feet as the travelers sword hit the ground, cracking it. He caught his breath in the few seconds of stilled silence as the dust settled. His ally’s were…dead? No matter, they were useless anyways. He looked up to see piercing golden eyes staring at him. An incompressible look on their face; almost distracted but still completely focused, bored but determined, angry but still somehow apathetic. He let out a shuttered laugh. “Heh. Is that all you can do? All that work for barely a chip of my shield. No plan? No tricks? Just charging in like some quirked up gorilla?!” He taunted because he could. There was no way the traveler could kill him before exhaustion took them out. What could they do? Geo, anemo, and dendro do nothing to him and electro was long shot from optimal. He laughed once again, a distorted sound behind his mask. To think a second before he was actually scared. His teammates consisted of a hydrogunner, a geochanter, and anemoboxer; all of them either fragile or weak against an element of the traveler. Not him though, he was once again chosen by destiny; given glory, loved by fate. He chuckled to himself in the darkness as shadows passed over the travelers face, no doubt contemplating retreat. He raised his rifle then aimed at the travelers stunned figure. Then they disappeared.

Huh? Before he could move fireworks exploded next to his ear. The travelers sword sending cracks through the pyro membrane. Fyodor’s eyes wide; the traveler stood in front of him, their hair billowing behind them as electro coated their body, but the onslaught didn’t end there. Once again faster than the eye could see they disappeared in a purple haze and appeared again, this time crouched down, a slash over his stomach and once again the shield chipped. The cracks got deeper. Fyodor couldn’t even scream as the blade came down again. Crack! Then pivoting up towards his skull. Crack! He tried to jump back only for electro projectiles to exploded against his torso, he stumbled back leaving a wide enough opening for the traveler to dart forward and send one last pierce through his shield. It shattered into pieces before his very eyes as he hit the road, scattering dust.

The traveler held the point of their blade to his neck. He stared up at them, eye wide and pulsing with fear. The travelers apathetic expression didn’t change. He made no sound; he couldn’t. The traveler didn’t hesitate. He closed his eyes. Fyodor told himself it was all a dream.

-recruits insignia x2

-sergeants insignia x1

-lieutenants insignia x1

[ttheshad0wking]

maybe

I’m the reason my relationship fall through ( the one I’m in is fine but this is a theory…a game theory…) Bit I try to place boundaries yet I don’t hold them. I’ll say when I’m uncomfortable or something but as soon as the person messes it up it’s fine. I’ll bend myself backwards and upside down to make them feel better after they hurt me because, in my words “it’s not your fault”. I’d rather blame myself then them because I’m scared to lose them. Yet I just loss myself.