okay. my mental health is very bad and i think it is bad for me to be uhh logging on all the time and crashing out. it is bad to experience and also to witness presumably. so i am going to try to log off tumblr for a while
i am by and large okay. i have talked to my doctor and i have a therapist and both of them know i am kind of uhh in a crisis place so they are keeping an eye and ear out for me and we are working on medication etc
i am not very good at talking directly to people because it is uncomfortable and intimate and it feels very burdensome and shitty because that’s what i was told it was growing up. so i just kinda spit everything out online and make myself feel shitty again because that doesn’t really. connect me to people. so i spit into the void so i don’t annoy people and then feel alone still and feel sadder about that and it’s not good for me and. not very kind to be so untrusting and paranoid.
i am kind of glib about the audhd but sometimes i truly have no concept of how to be a person and connect to people and post covid and especially post vyvanse i feel like i have lost all ability to self regulate, and i really want to work on it because it’s like. my part of the social contract. i have to be responsible for myself. i have to be able to be good to other people and not just kind of an emotional vacuum. i have gotten some very nice messages that i have saved to my phone and i want to live up to them and live up to my friends
for now i am going to try to log off some and instead of crashing out online pivot that energy into activities and stuff around the house, moving my body, school moving sewing video games writing etc
i also don’t want to do the thing i normally do which is uhhh delete every single app off my phone and avoid everyone and make myself cry about being alone because that’s also bad
so i am on discord at ckayfabe and i will try very hard to talk to people more directly and if you want to talk then i’m there. i also have bluesky and ig (same as discord) where i don’t post as much but there will be some proof of life stuff i guess lol
i really really need to not just be dumping all my feelings on here and then never talking to anybody about them just because i put them online. if i’m acting like i’m telling everybody then i’m really telling nobody at the end of the day. so i gotta start somewhere
anyway normally i would just delete the app for a few days and work myself into a whole shitty state and come back and cry about it and rinse and repeat. i don’t want to do that anymore because it’s a shitty cycle. but it also feels very shitty of me to be crashing out online for months and then just disappear one day. i like tumblr, it has been a big source of community for me for almost two decades, i will certainly log back on eventually when i am a little more stable and capable of managing myself, but for now i gotta minimize the online time
i am safe at home and talking to people about professional care. i am not totally isolating myself i think this particular platform is just easy for me to uhh engage with in a suboptimal way.
i am going to try my best and everything will be okay eventually
