now the tulips find its own way to grow.

yes, just a regular teenager that becoming hard struggle young adult for herself.

[tulipsandyou]

October 10, 2009.

It was the first day i see you in junior high school, and also became my first day to admire you.

We, not we but I, I went through many ways to upgrade myself in order to at least make you noticed me.

I guess, I have already made it, but then you still didn’t have interest for me.

As the time passed so fast, it was January 2021.

Yes, it was your wedding day with your beloved wife.

Unconsciously, I was being forced to moving on from you.

Unfortunately, what I think was: you are the one and cannot be replaced with anyone because you already win and have special place in my heart.

October 1, 2023.

Yes, I need almost 14 years to finally moving on from you.

You no longer become the one that have special place in my heart starting today.

Thank you for your presence in my life, even though we can’t be together, it’s enough because you’re a very good role model for me.

I’ve healed because of little words from this book.

For anyone who has hard time to moving on from an unrequited love, at least you need to read this as ‘a gentle reminder’ as written in the title of this book.

[tulipsandyou]

Ya Allah, I’m seeking for forgiveness 🙏🏻

Please ease my mind and make me stronger.

Is Allah going to warn me something?

I hope the hard will pass and the ease come closer aamiin🙏🏻

[tulipsandyou]

You are doing good, you are doing great, keep up your spirit, never lose faith of Allah’s mercy! Anything thats right for you will never skip you. Smile!

[tulipsandyou]

Hola!

Happy birthday to me!

I was becoming the very first person who wish me a birthday.

Alhamdulillah, until this number of age i still blessed by Allah.

Please hang on, din. I know everything isn’t that easy.

However, anything that you could remember is, all the things could happend only by the mercy of Allah.

What you need to do is give the very best of you.

And the rest is Allah portion to determine whether it is good or bad for me, because Allah is the best planner, trust Allah always.

In this 26 years old, there are a lot of things that i already learned, alhamdulillah.

It’s about ikhlas, ikhtiar, tawakkal, tauhid, and absolutely the reason to wearing hijab, and many more.

I couldn’t imagine that Allah is very kind to give his guide to me to always remind me, alhamdulillah.

I hope that i could be the better person.

For the other wishes, i hope that i could get the most suitable jobs according to my preferred skill and also being blessed by Allah, gives very good career path for me until my retirement, and also give good pay, compensation, and any other benefits.

For now, i think that was i really want to get.

But other than that, i also want to Allah leads me to meet with my future husband in the most right time and place.

Oh the other things is that i come up with one business idea that is building a very reliable islamic finance ecosystem because i thinks that it would be very great and give a positive impact.

Once again, happy birthday to me, be happy, because i’m always proud of you dear myself.

With love, dinda.

[tulipsandyou]

I don’t know, whether it’s right or wrong decisions,

But yeah… i admit that what i have done is totally something that will make Allah very angry to me. What’s that to be exact? Yes… kufur nikmat, naudzubillah.

Maybe it’s something that people said by “menghabiskan jatah gagal”

And suddenly i remember how my friend’s mother tell me that “it isn’t easy to find job on conditions like this, a lot of people struggling searching for jobs right now”

Ya Allah, if i ever make mistake, for not accept what has been you giving to me, i seek for your forgiveness. That’s not easy for me yaAllah to doing my previous job, it was the worst for me. I’m very sorry…

But still, i hope and i seek for your mercy, to give me the better job that you’re pleased and comply with subject that i like. The jobs that give good careers path for me until retirement. The job that give good compensation and benefit for me in order to save money to go hajj, aamiin🙏🏻

[tulipsandyou]

Building a very good routine is a savior for me. On the other hand, I also track my progress by making a time lapse and upload to my 2nd account instagram.

Bismillah, semoga aku segera bertemu dengan jodoh pekerjaan yang diridhoi Allah, yang sesuai dengan ilmu yang aku minati, yang memberikan jenjang karir yang sangat baik untukku hingga masa pensiun, serta memberikan benefit yang sangat baik agar aku bisa menabung untuk beribadah haji, aamiin🙏🏻

[tulipsandyou]

Hola!

Haha yes, there is something that i need to tell out loud.

I don’t know, where is the problem. Is it on me, or it’s on them.

I feel like I didn’t get along with some of my friends that born as a librarian (I don’t believe in astrology, but it just simply the categories of the two of them).

First, i have friend that i found when I take my master degree. As you know, my goal at the beginning of my study is to get the degree and file my resignation letter. But suddenly, one of my woman friend from my syndicate introduced me with one of woman friend. I just accept her as a friend and we becomes more closer because she was a type of an easygoing person. However, i find her first red flag when i said that my instagram story got reacted by her crush that also on the same master program as us. She immediately got mad at me and she push me away. But when she apologized to me, i just said yeah it’s okay take it easy. But actually what I mean is “fuck you I don’t like how you treated me like that”. And so on and so on, comes to a serious problem when I can tell from my point of view is she just didn’t like how my style of working done my thesis. I’m a straightforward person but I also need the presence of other person to give me energy because I’m an extrovert. Then she pushed me away and I think she just playing victim towards me. Because I just got tired, I decide to let her go doing whatever she likes aka I don’t give a fucking care about her ever again.

Second, actually if i could see the pattern of the case with my senior high school friend is the same. If I’m not mistaken, she also ever pushed me away when I told to my other friend that is still our very very close friend that she got covid. What’s wrong with that sis? I just can’t imagine and I try to don’t care. And we get along again because we are on the same place. But, it comes again. She pushed me away again. Maybe I can define this time is my problem because I didn’t text her back. But hello? Why you are becomes very childish? I texted her back and I asked her is she going to join funding to give one of our best friend birthday pizza, and what’s the result? She didn’t text me back. And I just think it’s okay. Then I think yesterday? Or two days ago? I feeling not better and I text her is she still open consultation online because I want to get prescriptions drugs for my severe flu, stuffy nose and fever. But again, she didn’t text me back. And I figured out on twitter that she said she didn’t want to give a fucking care to someone. And yes, I can predict that tweets is for me.

Huft… what’s my fault? But yeah, thanks to Allah. Even if it’s very bitter to accept. But at least, Allah shows me what I need to know.

I have already let my anger out, so that’s all.

[tulipsandyou]

Did you know?

About one story that i really keep shut off?

About really dark story back in the past of my life.

Something that i really want to erase from my childhood memory.

But sadly, i still remember how it happen.

Like it’s gross, literally.

I do really want to sign off from my life at that moment, and every time i recall this memory unconsciously.

Yes, that bad.

[tulipsandyou]

If it’s not him,

I don’t think so that i could find someone that i really want to spend the rest of my life with.

So, i hope anyone can’t blame me.

Because i have ever loved someone, yes for real.

But, it didn’t work as how it should be.

Maybe you can said that, i’m the person that didn’t get a love back from someone that i really love.

Yes, i’m the sad one, i’m the unrequited one.

However, yeah, i still believe one thing.

If it’s not a happy ending for me, then this is not the end.

Maybe, i will find the one that truly loves me, and i also truly love him, and we can live happily ever after.

Aamiin.

If it’s not gonna happen then how?

It’s still okay, at least i got the chance to meet someone that really extremely inspiring me, fall in love with him, and make the best of the best version of me.

I think, that should be enough, isn’t it?

[tulipsandyou]

Again. Fooled again by my feelings.

From now on, i will pretend like i dont like anyone. And the facts is i dont like anyone.

Its just hurt, and shocked me till death.

Maybe i didnt made to like someone.

Holyshit, i really want to cry. But i had put my skincare this night.

I was tired of pretend like the people that i give attention will like me back.

But the actual is… they dont.

Come on, let me just focused on myself.

I need to make all my dreams come true, thats the goals for now.

Bismillah, i can.

As i get older, i feels like there just me alone. And yeah, with the help of Allah.

Checked all the bucked list.

Marry someone that deserve me and had maroon 5 on my wedding day. So i cant like someone ordinary. Set the expectation high, is that okay?

[tulipsandyou]

There is no way back!

I has already paid that penalty shit.

Woah.

I just didn’t has any feeling. Is it normal? I guess so.

Bismillah, semoga Allah menggantikan yang lebih baik. Semoga Allah memberikan yang berkali kali lipat lebih banyak dari yang aku keluarkan, aamiin.

[tulipsandyou]

Today is the day, where the exit interview will be held.

Bismillah. Wish me luck, okay?

Don’t be afraid, this is all i want since the first day of work.

Chin up, beautiful!

[tulipsandyou]

If i finally found someone that match perfectly to me, it didn’t have to take long time to decide rather marrying him or not.

But, as you know exactly, i has already love the most inspiring person since i was junior high school, and that’s end up i saw him marrying someone else that he loves.

So, for me, i don’t want to rush in finding or just pick up random person to marry me.

Every beautiful moments in this live will comes to you in a right time and in the right way, isn’t it?

I hope i can always believe that -in anytime i took for wait and work to find the best match- my soulmate is a reflection of myself. Don’t worry to upgrade your skill and live!

Because i search for a partner to filled out the rest of my live with full of grace, aamiin🙏🏻

[tulipsandyou]

Today i realize, there is something wrong with me and i’m totally alone, only God can save me.

[tulipsandyou]

I got my third covid vaccine yesterday.

Today i am a mess.

My left hand feel so numb and i feel my body totally not okay.

I do my fucking job yesterday, because i need to take that extra shift.

Everything was gone well until this day.

I cursed myself for being keep this fucking not suitable job for me.

Yes i am the one and only that dumb.

I am that apply for this job, undergo several test, and sign the contract to be employee here.

But what?

Also i am that want to resign in the first day of my office life.

Totally freak and dumb right?

I realize and i accept my crazy and dumbness.

If someone make a mistake of their life, like mine, didn’t that person still has a chance to start all over again?

Yes, i believe and i think so.

I may cried like crazy and smack my head strongly right now.

But i also need to have that braveness to start my life journey all over again.

Bismillah, wish me luck!

Oh i have already submit my resignation letter to my manager and wait for the process.

She say it would take 3 months.

But after today accident, i will start to apply to any company that i wanted to, no worries and no waiting anymore.

Because my mental health matters.

My body reaction to today accident exceed my expectation, i feel headache, my hand shaking and kesemutan like crazy.

I quit this job today, i am sorry, i can’t handle it anymore.

[tulipsandyou]

Currently live is going so damn suck.

I know i do not allowed to say that.

But really, i want to just get lost.

When i disapear from this world, i think the world would be much better.

Since i am that full of toxic vibes.

But i still believe that Allah is the best planner.

This sadness, this trouble, is just passing by.

I feel depressed absolutely.

But think twice, there is still a lot of thing that are precious in my life.

I am broken mentally and physically.

And crying is also a part of healing.

Now when i feel down, i will just said “Ya Allah aku pengen cerita, aku capek”

Thats all, i just have Allah to be lean on.

Bismillah, i am strong, i can do it all !!

[tulipsandyou]

This near quarter life crisis is seriously coming.

I hate it, but i need to undergo this no matter what right?

Definetely, i will never do that i think:

1. it was wrong and

2. will disadvantage other

I hate this time until i want to give up, but yeah i has my God.

As long as i can endure it, i will not cry, i promise.

But when it does, you know that i can’t even handle it.

And i believe, time will pass, so do i.

A lot of things need to be done, i hope i can realize all the dream that i has left behind, new dream that i want to achieve, and other amazing opportunity ahead.

Yes, i can do this, fighting!