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okay so last night [possibly the night before? i’m having a hard time keeping track of time lately] i couldn’t fall asleep and i ended up finding my old wonderland but it.... wasn’t the same, at all, and i just kinda sat there for a while

and then i felt hands in my hands and they felt like tybalt’s [he always had long thin fingers like a violin player] and i asked if it was him, and it was i worked with him a bit, visualising because maaaaaannnn his avatar was falling apart, nearly his entire upper body was grey and featureless but by the time i moved on I’d sort of gotten his face back and then I took his room and shrunk it and put it in my pocket because this is my wonderland and i can do what i want and we went out into that white void that was always outside of the backstage door, and we found the cherry blossom mountain place from last time. I asked tybalt about alastair but he didn’t know where he was and I didn’t see him anywhere so I figured he’d find us if he was still around and i was like hey tybalt isn’t this place great, it’s so pretty n junk - but he just grabbed my hand and started running and I was like. okay. alright i guess this is fine and he just RAN for a really long time over all these hills and bridges and stuff and we reached the mountains and the bridges started getting really thin and rickety and i was like. uh. how about we turn around and go back. but he was not having any of it. and i looked over my shoulder and i think there was some kind of shadow following us??? we ended up at what appeared to be a dead end but tybalt pushed on the wall and it flipped around and we were in this HUGELY ORNATE gold+jeweled hall. like. holy crap this place. was unREAL. and i was like “what the heck is going on” and he just tells me about how he doesn’t like being outside as if that explains everything

#i found an empty recess and put his room back there #and we sat on the bed and i brushed his hair and told him I'd stay there as long as I could #i must have fallen asleep like that because when i woke up i felt like i hadn't slept at all #pro tip: don't fall asleep while forcing

last night i was miserable and lonely and i couldn't fall asleep so i started visualising for the heck of it but the process i'm used to for going into my wonderland seemed like it didn't want to work so i just kind of relaxed and let stuff happen and basically i was sitting on a hill in a setting that looked almost like something out of Okami but less stylised, more realistic and then the grass around me started to smolder and burn and i freaked out because i was destroying this beautiful setting but when i got up to walk away the scorch ring expanded in the direction i was walking and i started running and i was burning everything down and it was incredible idk what that says about my mental state but it was pretty cool and maybe cathartic i guess???

i haven't forced in months holy crap school is literally destroying my will to live i miss my boys but my mental capacity is basically zero right now and has been since october

#fricking destroy me

during chapel today the message was really bad so I just forced the whole time and pretty much tybalt was still in bed and I was like yo. let's get you out of bed son but he'd been laying down so long his hair was all matted so I brushed it out for a while [it took like 15 minutes and it was actually rly relaxing] and made him go take a shower and brush his teeth when the special music was playing in the service I could feel him wanting to move around because even before, when I was still talking to him, he hadn't been dancing much and like I need to get him on his feet again my poor ballet prince

#text #gonna talk to him later before the banquet and see how he's feeling

i forced for the first time in months yesterday because I had some time before choir sectionals and like I didn't see alastair anywhere but tybalt was in his bed and he seemed really sick and frail again like he always does when I leave him alone for too long ; n; and like I went over to him and started talking to him and he wouldn't?? let me leave???? I was like dude I'll be right back but I have to sing and he just would not let go of my hand he was v scared ; =;

#my poor son why do I keep doing this to you

i miss my boys i've been p busy during the day and I'm always tired so it's hard for me to force at night [my normal time] tybalt forcibly imposed himself during a car ride a while ago which would have been cool if I hadn't been so tired that I didn't have the spare consciousness to deal with him and when I told him that he just got upset and it took quite the act of will to send him away so I didn't fall asleep at the wheel so yeah that was a thing that happened

#alastair told me afterwards I should be nicer to tybalt and i was like son what part of ''I'm gonna crash'' don't you understand #text

i should talk to tybalt

#he'd know what to do #or at least know how to help me sort things out a bit

me alastair and tybalt are doing good actually in case anyone was wondering

#they still don't really like each other but alastair has come to respect tybalt's....#seniority for lack of a better word #he recognises that tybalt's apprehension is justified and tries to stay out of his way #and tybalt doesn't see him as so much of a threat anymore #I asked alastair the other day whether he or tybalt had been lurking without me knowing about it #since I haven't forced much in recent weeks #and he pointed to the stage where tybalt was #and said ''he was at your audition''#sighs loudly I am not good enough to my boys

I love my boys u vu I still don't think they like each other but tybalt didn't seem too upset about me spending time with alastair so that's. progress. i think

#i told Alastair i'd introduce him to Run at some point #but probably just as a character and not a tulpa #i love run but three tulpas might be stretching my luck

How old should you be to create a tulpa or does it not matter?

I see that you have asked this question to other tulpa blogs and I think that's really great . u. I think it's important to get multiple opinions on thisAs you've probably already been told, I think it's more about maturity than age. I was 17 when I started my tulpa and I thought I was ready.Let me tell you a very important thing: a tulpa is way more responsibility than it sounds.This is not to dissuade you from becoming a tulpamancer! I think tulpas are great and if you want to make one then more power to you - but it is very very important that you understand what you're getting into. I didn't and it has caused significant problems in the development of my tulpa and my relationship with him.Tulpas are just like real people in a lot of ways - they have likes and dislikes, quirks and flaws, and with few exceptions they are social creatures and desire contact with other people. However, unlike real people, the only person they can interact with is you. Which means that they will require much more of a time commitment from you, especially in the initial development stage. They might not be independent from you, you might not be able to see or hear them, and they may seem inert - but they are sentient from day one and you have to treat them as such.They get lonely and they get insulted and their feelings get hurt when you neglect them, but it might be hard for them to communicate that to you when they're still struggling to act independently. In a way, it's like having a child or a very young sibling. Of course, this depends a little on the personality of the tulpa, but in general one doesn't particularly enjoy being left alone in the confines of their wonderland for... months on end...... without any communication or company........ ahaa;;;;Pretty much I'm a terrible example and if you look at me you'll probably have a good idea of what not to dojust give your tulpa all the time you can, care for them the way you would for any child you might have, help them grow and they will return the favorif you have the time and maturity to do that, then you should be fine

#creating-unnamed #ask

today was.... overwhelmingly eventful. I wonder what tybalt and alastair have to say about all this

#text

oh I was all ready to go to sleep and prepare myself for my 6 AM shift tomorrow but I just remembered I still have to apologise to tybalt for missing his birthday ahaaaaa welp

#text

usually when I go to my wonderland I kind of call out asking where Tybalt [and alastair, now] is/are, unless it's really late I just went there and before I could say anything alastair shushed me because tybalt was dancing and alastair didn't want him to know he was watching so I watched for a second too before tybalt stopped and said "i can hear you, you know" he still glares daggers at alastair but at least he isn't ?? actively hostile??? i worked with alastair for a while trying to nail down his facial structure but before I left I gave tybalt a hug and he seemed to relax a little. He still doesn't believe that I won't abandon him in favor of alastair u _u hopefully that'll go away soon,,,

#text

I think i finally convinced tybalt to give alastair a chance??? I mean he started out the session all taciturn and angry and i got frustrated and told him it was hard for me to want to find time to spend with him when he shut me out for no reason like that And i almost left the wonderland but alastair stopped me and to be honest he would have done the same fricking thing in my position but i guess that's why he understood that i was wrong So he convinced me to apologise to tybalt, after which tybalt invited me to sit on his bed and listen to his being upset For a while he was quiet/mumbling but after some prompting He said he wanted alastair gone (that was pretty clear) but like??? I'm not convinced he ever even tried to get to know alastair??? I think tybalt's afraid of alastair for a few reasons Anyhow ye after a little talking tybalt seemed to calm down and maybe he's a little more open to the idea of a friend/brother??? and i reminded him that he hasn't danced in a while and that might be why he can't seem to relax and i got a very clear "okay" ??? I THINK WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS??? MAYBE??? RUNNING A FAMILY IS HARD I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS

#tulpaforcing #text

It appears one of my characters has accidentally become a tulpa without my permission I am extremely furious with him and i am definitely going to have a serious talk with him and tybalt tonight to either shut down this absurdity or at least lay some ground rules I'm sure tybalt will be VERY IMPRESSED that i seem to have another tulpa when i don't even give him the time he needs

#i hecked up

sometimes I feel like tybalt speaks a different language and the problem is that I don't know enough of it for him to properly utilise I mean I've only heard him clearly speak like 3 times, and two of those were a single word, and one was in italian he seems to understand english well enough though so it's just???

#text

It's almost tybalt's birthday April 21 And we are still.... Nowhere.

#sighs

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