Kasumiso

I come here to seek comfort in darkness. I come here to celebrate the light.

[tummyfelt]

你覺得

我這生中

會不會真的有這個福氣

遇到一個每天都確確實實讓我知道

他很在乎我

我很重要

真心覺得我漂亮

的那個人

?

還是造了什麼孽

注定只能淚水相伴?

[tummyfelt]

靈魂空洞

做什麼事都是黑白色的

要不是怕胖

我就不起床了

[tummyfelt]

你讓我

好討厭鏡子裡的自己

[tummyfelt]

懇求你

放過我的玻璃心

已經在寂寞中飄浮著的我

真的不需要更多的淚水了

[tummyfelt]

真羨慕那些眼睛隨隨便便就懂得發亮的你們。

帶著不懂得發亮的雙眼看世界

真覺得這人生給了我，真可惜。

[tummyfelt]

為什麼總要把最狼狽不堪的自己跟別人最光鮮亮麗的一面做比較?

這些日子裡

胖了，老了

忘了上一次精神好，有活力的時候是多久以前的事

好像記得的除了累，只有更累

以前我無法想像變成一個三十歲的大人

現在離三十好近

到了要道別二十幾的那一天，回頭看

在那些年輕的時光裡，

快樂的回憶有多少？

會不會最記得的

是這陰魂不散, 睡也睡不掉的疲憊？

[tummyfelt]

Nights are difficult.

I feel myself plunge when I let loose the reins on my wandering, ill mind and remember how she says that I’ll only come first when there is nothing else.

And when there are things,

new bright and shiny,

I sit and wait for my door to open, warming the backseat while I look at you and hope for the times you remember to look back at me.

My candlelight is only enough for first when all the rest is darkness.

[tummyfelt]

所有改变　只为了进入　你的世界

这情节　重复了一百遍

才发现　是你的心太野

你　划定楚河汉界

我　不能轻易犯规

所有时间　都是先给了　你优先权

不自觉　爱到不敢冒险

成了你的魁儡　一年　两年

才看见　我有多狼狈

爱到妥协　到头来还是无解

绑着你不让你飞

历史不断重演　我好累

爱到妥协　也无法将故事再重写

你已下最后通牒

我躲在我的　世界

—

如果真的只能当过客

我希望可以尽快逼自己安定下来，冷静下来

做不到的话，至少让演技进步一些

让剩下来的时间

可以存成暖心的回忆。

[tummyfelt]

Hello dark space.

Do I really not know my own triggers, or am I refusing to exert the energy to recognize them?

Today was really difficult. It started overcast, progressed mostly overcast, and the storm broke through in the evening. It took everything I had to just follow through my nightly routine and go to bed.

I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t converse much. It took a physical form- a pressure built at the base of my neck, and my chest felt tighter than I’ve felt in a while. Every heartbeat felt like a painful thump. It took conscious effort to remind myself to breathe evenly. My teeth grit together so much I spit out blood in the shower. I felt unproductive questions build up in my head that I had to vanquish and drown out.

I’m not sure what I’m doing. Lying here now in bed I cant sleep, it feels tiring to breathe, and my skull feels numb.

I just keep telling myself.. at least I’m not hurting myself, at least I’m not hurting others, and at least I’m not angry.

It doesn’t feel anything like it, but I am doing well, am I not?

Please let this night pass quickly. Everything hurts so much and I just want it to stop. If you’d like me to die off a bit on the inside I can, can someone please just teach me how? Anything if it means I don’t have to feel like this.

[tummyfelt]

“我沒有很快樂

才正常

同類也需要合理哀傷

眼淚中找治癒的營養

讓情緒釋放”

—

累死人的一天

聽著傷心情歌慢慢一步一步走回家

在沒有星星的夜空下

發現淡淡的憂傷也有不一般的美

[tummyfelt]

27/9/19

Still fucking pissed.

25/8/19

Reminder to self to not pathetically beg for someone else’s time. 

不是你的就不要想得到- 显得那么可悲你丢不丢脸？

---

慢冷的人啊 會自我折磨

[tummyfelt]

I just needed to say that I freaking hate ketchup.

[tummyfelt]

我是真的想 一辈子 赖在你身旁

可是你的步伐 快到我 已经追不上

倘若是我 拖累你翱翔

愿从你 生命彻底被遗忘

我是真的想 独占你 不跟谁分享

可是我真的傻 才害你 黯淡了光芒

别担心我 是我不够好

你要找到比我 更爱你的人 爱你

[tummyfelt]

Is it the trauma talking when I honestly feel that though I love you, love being with you, love traveling with you, but cannot begin to imagine you as a husband and father? Is it the trauma talking or is it me?

Do I really believe that people change with circumstances or is it more of essentially the same in a different context?

While you’re a marvelous business person, great confidant, wonderfully fun travel companion.. I’ve never seen that you could be a good father, or a good caregiver. Though I wouldn’t exactly die taking care of myself, I know I want to be taken care of, be it just a flu, or morning sickness and painful swollen feet. I can’t say with confidence that I can depend on you for that.

I love you and spending time with you. I’m excited to see you and want to talk about everything with you. But if I can’t see us going where it matters, what are we doing?

Is it just the trauma talking?

[tummyfelt]

Quietly proud of you.

[tummyfelt]

Liar

You fucking liar.

The most fucking stupid thing I’ve ever done is to not have left your dirty lying ass back then.

I’d go back in time in a heartbeat to do to you what you deserved.

You

Fucking

Liar

—

Since I can’t vent now into a void I’ll just have to post on an existing post.

Dreamt all night about this and woke up fucking enraged.

Really how fucking dare you? Hire a person you had history with, continue to deliberately be unprofessionally close and never told me a single thing. Fucking brain dead me just swallowed my discomfort and pretended to be supportive- WHICH YOU DID NOT DESERVE FOR A SECOND. You fucking liar- omission is lying. I really fucking hate you, you deserve none of what I tried to give. Piece of fucking shit.

[tummyfelt]

3 weeks.

And once again I’m disappointed that you didn’t keep to what you said.

Our relationship is a pile of broken promises.