Tunnel Walk of Shame @tunnelwalkofshame - Tumblr Blog

Spring Game 2018

It has… been awhile.

I have to say, I’m sincerely flattered by the requests for a new comic over the last 18 months. It means a lot that this became a thing that a few of you looked forward to, and I’m sorry if it went away abruptly. The truth is, some life changes combined with the most boring-ass football staff in forever to make this comic (a) tough to find time for and (b) pretty dry on content. I mean, good lord, Mike Riley. The missionary position of football coaches.

But now, things feel different. There is excitement, a story, hope, ridiculously overly optimistic blind faith — all the things that make being a fan of this team actually fun. I love caring too much and believing too much. I like dreaming of way too many national titles and getting way ahead of myself. That’s the way I fell in love with this program. My goal is never to win the Big Ten West it’s to win every game forever and ever. That’s it. And I don’t know if Scott Frost will make good on it, but it feels like he could, and that’s enough.

And everyone’s undying faith in him, and the fact that none of our quarterbacks have played college football, and the idea that our AD’s last name is “Moos”? Well, that means there’s enough fun stuff to make fun of again. So let’s do it.

It’s been awhile since I wrote a comic. It’s been a while since Husker football seemed this fun.

It’s good to be back.

https://imgur.com/gallery/Sn4UzTO

Game Week: Oregon (2016)

I know everyone gets all amped up about the Big Ten and “REAL FOOTBALL” and... Purdue... or whatever. But the annual Non-Conference Game That Doesn’t Suck is my favorite. From Virginia Tech to UCLA to Miami, we’ve had some good ones. And now, freaking Oregon?! When we booked this I sort of thought it was like a Washington Generals vs. Harlem Globetrotters situation. But now Oregon sucks a little more and we might not (maybe?) and now it’s interesting. This is gonna be fun as hell.

Enjoy their weird-ass uniforms and fast-ass offense. And hopefully we win so I can travel back to 2013 and give myself a heart attack by explaining how in 3 short years we somehow beat Oregon.

This week in the Tunnel, we have a Special Teams Coach? And he has a mustache. And so does our new defensive star. Let’s all go for a ride.

[mobile link]

TWOS: Oregon (2016)

Game Week: Fresno State (2016)

I’m a man of routine. 

I get up on the morning of the first game every year and enjoy a stream of Husker pump-up videos while my wife laughs at me, placates me, makes me coffee, and tells me she’s glad that my favorite thing is back.

I buy a new Husker shirt every year before the first game.

I promise myself before every season to be a reasonable fan. Hey, some routines are easy to break.

And, for the last six years, TWOS has been part of this routine. The first game comes. I write some jokes. I debate, more recently, whether this is worth doing (which is why I cut it down to non-weekly posts last year). But lord help me, TWOS has become as much a part of my ritual and routine as pump-up videos and prognostication.

And every once in a while, I get the sense that TWOS is a part of your routine, too. I get tweets and notes and emails that ask if it’s coming back, and it really does mean something to me that TWOS matters to any of you. That THIS is part of your routine.  

I hope it’s the part that makes you laugh your silly ass off. It’s great to be back. It’s always great when football season is back, right? Right. So let’s party. And G B Mother Fuckin’ R.

[mobile link to imgur]

Game Week: Iowa (2015)

Ya’ll. It is 1 a.m. and I just finished the comic you’re about to read so I will spare you a long preamble. All that needs to be said is this: let’s go fuck up Iowa’s shit next Friday.

[mobile link for the teenz]

TWOS: Iowa 2015

Game Week: Wisconsin (2015)

In every bar in Husker Nation there is a poster. Sometimes normal-sized, sometimes the size of an entire wall. It’s a schedule poster, hand-drawn or pilfered from the nearest Valentino’s. And I’ve begun noticing a very sad, sad pastime in Husker Nation related to these posters.

See, the manager of the bar likes to mark the scores on the schedule poster. The first week, it’s usually carefully written, with the Huskers’ score in red and Directional Tech’s score in black. You can feel the enthusiasm in the calligraphy.

But the enthusiasm wanes, as evidenced by lettering that gets sloppier, more hastily-written.

And then, it just stops. At whatever the “Oh fuck this” game of the season is. Wisconsin in 2014. Minnesota in 2013. Ohio State in 2012. And... Illinois in 2015. Those 2015 schedule posters hanging in Husker bars will never again know the taste of Sharpie ink. Even if we win the rest of our games, the Sharpie’s are sheathed for the season. We are past “oh fuck this.” Welcome to “Well this oughtta be interesting” territory.

Which is kind of nice, you know? The thing I liked about this season before it started was the lack of expectations and the absence of angst. Everybody was in “Let’s see what happens” mode. Then we snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in 3 of our first 5 games. And we went from “I don’t know what to think” to “I’m going to need to drink heavily during all of these games.”

That’s a fun place to be. There’s nothing to lose now. All that’s left is to figure out how to start winning. A really great place to start? With Wisconsin. Because in case you’ve forgotten... fuck Wisconsin.

This week in the Tunnel, Mike Riley is pulling out all the stops. I mean, all of them.

[mobile link, for the TEENZ]

TWOS: Wisconsin (15)

Game Week: Southern Miss (2015)

For some reason, imgur’s embedding feature is wigging out on me, so: CLICK HERE TO READ YOUR NEW TWOS COMIC.

I can look at the glass half full and see a team that’s two plays away from 3-0. I can also look at it half empty and say, “Hey, who drank this water?” and then find out that an opposing WR drank it while one of our defensive backs was supposed to be guarding him. Ultimately though I will dump out whatever’s in the glass, fill it back up with scotch, and cry until Demornay Pierson-El comes back. And until that happens, I will watch Tommy Armstrong murder people’s dreams. God, Tommy Armstrong is fun. I don’t know how long it will take for our defense to experiment with covering pass plays, but in the meantime, Tommy Take the Wheel.

This week, Mike Riley hires a motivational speaker who might actually live in a van down by the river. And it all starts with a cover image that I think sums up Husker football better than anything I’ve ever seen.

Again, Imgur’s being odd this morning, so: CLICK HERE TO READ YOUR NEW TWOS COMIC.

Game Week: BYU (2015)

Before we go making jokes and saying lots of swear words, a quick note.

The few people who know me and know my secret identity have asked me a lot over the last several months if I planned to keep writing these comics. For a long time, the answer was “no.” I didn’t want to recycle jokes and stretch to make this thing work for the new staff. That would be the “Saved by the Bell: The New Class” approach. I wasn’t interested. I even wrote a lengthy “goodbye letter” to post here. Mrs. Shame looked it over. She was a little sad. I was a little sad. I love writing these comics! And for some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to post that letter.

So I waited.

As the summer wore on and that aforementioned common question kept popping up, I started wondering what it would be like to write it. In the era of vitriol that was Bo Pelini’s tenure, we needed to laugh. In the infancy era of the Mike Riley honeymoon (he’s a good guy! he beat Oregon once!), we probably also need to laugh.

So I took out my Husker pictures and a couple of IPA’s and I wrote. When I was done, I didn’t hate it.

And that’s going to be the way TWOS is done from here on out. I’m not going to make a post every week anymore which I think will (a) keep me from getting worn out and (b) keep the comics fresh and fun. I don’t know how many I’ll do this year. 3? 6? 11? We’ll just see how it goes.

But making some jokes about the Huskers is still very much a thing I want to do, at least sometimes.

Today in the Tunnel, the new staff arrives, the old players adjust, and Imani makes someone wet their Depends. Oh, and Mike Riley learns a new word.

Thanks for stopping in. It’s great to be back. Let’s do this.

[and here’s a mobile-friendly link for the cool teens]

View post on imgur.com

Game Week: USC (2014)

I don't have time for a preamble, but I'll have some TWOS NEWS next week, so stay tuned. Until then, let's go back to the tunnel.

[and here's a mobile-friendly link]

Game Week: Minnesota (2014)

This week I sat around and wondered whether I should write a comic. I didn’t feel like it. I rarely do after a loss. Truth is, it’s more fun to make fun of everything when it’s going well, rather than to feel like I’m piling on when it’s not.

Because when it’s going well, there’s a general atmosphere of ridiculous merriment. Everyone acknowledges that their joy is unfounded and probably short-lived, but for a while, after we beat a team like Rutgers, people can at least sit around and go, “Hey, maybe they’re not so bad. A few things to get cleaned up but if they can we’re going to the playoffs.” People most definitely said this and even kind of believed it.

But when things aren’t going well, we’re equally delusional, with a twist. While the post-win (or mid-fall camp; or post-spring ball) delusion is fun and inclusive, the post-loss (especially post-bad-loss) delusion is a divisive, adversarial, nasty place. People get dickish. And reactionary.

And the truth is, both types of delusional Husker fans are equally right and wrong. Really. It’s as ridiculous to think this is a playoff team as it is to think that Bo Pelini wants to punch your childhood dreams in the face and hates Nebraska football and is probably friends with Bill Callahan.

But here’s the thing: Positive Delusional Husker Fan? He’s a blast. I can have a beer with Positive Delusional Husker Fan. He can tell me why Tommy Armstrong is better than Tommie Frazier (“Statistically, look at it you guys!”) and we have a good laugh and know we’re both probably wrong but who cares let’s go watch some football.

Negative Delusional Husker Fan can be a different beast. He’s got a sense of entitlement. An unearned air of snark that’s not funny at all. And I don’t mean, “Hey that’s not funny because it contradicts what I believe in or offends me,” I mean “Hey that joke just has no comic appeal.” These are largely joyless, unfuckable people.

Both groups are vocal. Both are fans. And every Saturday we mash them all together in an ancient patchwork gray lady of a stadium and call them The Greatest Fans in College Football. That’s only because Slightly Less Dickish Than Most Fans of College Football wouldn’t fit on the sign.

So this is a little bit of a plea to the Negative side of the fence. If you think it’s time for Bo Pelini to go, that’s OK. I don’t even know that I disagree with you, but I know that it’s perfectly acceptable to have that opinion. There are a lot of disappointing things going on, and so it’s OK if you think it’s time for a change. But. Have some class about it. Have some dignity. Don’t celebrate it, gleefully. Don’t act like Bo Pelini fucked your sister or something. He didn’t. Carl probably did, statistically. But not Bo. He’s not doing as good a job at being the football coach of your favorite team as you may like. And perhaps his job performance falls into that specific category of good-not-great that requires a change in regime. And you can think that, you really can. And you might very well be correct. But do it like you’re actually the Greatest Fans in College Football.

Earlier this week I saw a site where you could contribute to crowd-fund a plane flying over Memorial Stadium on Saturday with a “ Fire Pelini and Crew” banner hanging behind it. It has raised $345. That’s not a lot of money. But it is, once you think about the fact that the ten people who donated that collective amount think that a good idea would be to steal the spotlight from Kenny Bell and Ameer Abdullah on their Senior Day, just so they could puff their chests out, $15 at a time, and claim that they had made a statement.

Well no need. You already made a statement, which is “My penis is very small and nobody will hug me.”

Those fans? Those are the ones I don’t have room for. Those are the ones that polarize, and snipe, and make my eyes roll and make the whole thing not fun. I started TWOS because I love having fun with football. I think that's why people like it. So don't fuck that up. It’s a football team. Have some fun with it. And take that stupid money you thought you were going to spend on a banner and give it to Team Jack.

OK! So who’s ready to laugh!?! Sorry. Sometimes, ya gotta say something. And other times, man, ya gotta make some jokes about rainbow-colored poop and participation ribbons. Yes, both of those jokes are in this week’s comic. I hope you love it. Let’s have some fun with Bo and oh God look at him he looks like the Emperor.

[imgur link for mobile]

Game Week: Wisconsin (2014)

We are a 6-point underdog to a team we are ranked higher than. The Big Ten, you guys, is drunk.

And it's not drunk because of ESPN's SEC bias. Let's stop blaming that. I mean, it definitely exists, which is why ESPN can't get the SEC's dick out of its mouth long enough to feign disappointment in [insert young loud athlete here]'s latest [insert activity that any young man would do with a bunch of fame/money]. But go watch those SEC teams play for a while. Imagine a Big Ten playing them - and not in January, on neutral fields with minimal stakes. Imagine them playing them mid-November, fresh off the heels of two hard-fought games and staring two more in the face. There is no Purdue in the SEC, as hard as Vanderbilt might try. There also aren't many Ohio States. But there are a shitload of Nebraskas, Wisconsins and the like. And you have to play them every week. It's really hard. And I say that with no interest in seeing continued SEC dominance. So spare me the campaign for a Big Ten team in the playoffs. We're not there yet. Sorry. I wish we were. But if we were, Nebraska probably wouldn't be 8-1 considering how it has played thus far.

But we are 8-1! Which means we have a shot at being 11-1, or 12-1, and headed to a big fancy bowl game where we'll have nothing to lose and everything to gain against an SEC team that is already watching film on its 2015 SEC opponents. Which means we might win it! And get some decent recruits. And get some momentum. And some heat off of our coaching staff's seats. Which might mean a more dominant team in 2015. The kind that can go down to Miami and win. That can manhandle BYU. That can cruise through its still-mediocre conference and into the playoffs where we'll find out just what we've got.

But who am I kidding? They'll just let Auburn in again.

This week on the Tunnel, the Battle for the Big Ten West looms, AD Eichorst stops by with some proper motivation, and we all try to find a replacement knee for Ameer Abdullah.

Follow TWOS on Twitter if you'd like. Now let's have some fun with a comic that starts with the Kenny Bell block that I'm forced to remember in a vacuum so as not to relive the pain of literally everything else that happened in the 2012 Big Ten Championship game.

[For mobile users, here's the direct Imgur link.]

Game Week: Purdue (2014)

Below is a picture of Ameer Abdullah farting on a Rutgers player's head. It is being utilized as the cover photo for this week's comic because let's be honest last week we played Rutgers and this week we play Purdue and that might be, on paper, the most boring two-game conference stretch for any team in the country. So when those things happen, do you know what I do? I open a picture of Ameer Abdullah farting on a guy's head and I laugh. Look at that picture. That defender is really in there. Yes, layers of facemask and athletic pants separate face from butt. But that doesn't matter in this snapshot, which heroically ignores context and just delivers you a tremendous fart joke. What if Ameer Abdullah farted that guy out? That's funny, isn't it? Don't you think Taylor Martinez enjoys this picture? I sure think he might.

And I think you'll like this week's comic. Because you might need something entertaining to laugh at whilst in the midst of a season of forgettable respectability. That's the Huskers this year. 7-1, a real possibility of 11-1, and an outside shot at the playoffs. Exciting, right?! But, save for the Heisman campaign of Ameer Abdullah (pictured below, farting), we are completely under the radar. Playing Buttgers and Purdeuce back to back doesn't help. Husker Nation can kind of just wake up, roll over, hit snooze and mutter, "Are still 7-1? OK. Cool." But ultimately, that's the right situation for this team. A quiet run. Minimum scrutiny. A few great players propelling a team of good ones to something resembling relevance while a program relearns how to win. So enjoy that. And if you need something funny or dramatic to happen, just wait for Jake Cotton to slowly fall down, Josh Mitchell to Yolo Pitch a ball over his head, or Ameer Abdullah to fart a Rutger (pictured below).

This week in the tunnel, Barney talks recruiting and an old friend helps the gang figure out how in the heck to beat Purdue. Follow TWOS on Twitter for mature grown-up humor during the week. And now, your comic. Starting with, you guessed it, Ameer Abdullah farting on a guy.

[NOTE: Looks like Imgur has its technical issues fixed, so the album is again embedded below (I fixed past weeks' posts, too), but if you're on mobile you may prefer to read the comic on imgur so click here for that]

Game Week: Rutgers (2014)

It's finally Rutgers week! Right guys?! Guys? Where's everybody going?

When it was announced that Rutgers was joining the Big Ten, I wondered how I would feel when it finally came time to play them because historically, I have literally zero feelings, positive or negative, towards this team. It might as well be a Canadian Football team. At least then they would all smell like maple syrup and Memorial Stadium would turn into Brunch Mecca on Saturday. What am I talking about? Oh yeah, Rutgers. See? It takes just two sentences for me to get completely distracted from talking about Rutgers because that's how long it takes to stop talking about a thing you feel nothing about.

So who knows what will happen tomorrow? Does Rutgers have an amazing passing game? Perhaps. Is that linebacker corps pretty salty? Maybe! Is their coach a robot? Sure.

That's really all I've got. That, and this week's comic, in which Coach Poochie hands out the Blackshirts, Tommy reports back from Quarterback Camp, and Randy Gregory breaks things. So many things.

Follow TWOS on Twitter where I will tweet Pierson-elly at you! The reaction to tweeting a baker's dozen Pierson-el tweets in one night has been mixed at best.

And again, I've got some technical difficulties with Imgur's embedding, so I'm going to send you directly to their site to read this week's comic: click here to read this week's TWOS comic for the Rutgers game.

EDIT: Technical difficulties are fixed!

Game Week: Northwestern (2014)

Usually here is where I maybe recap some quick thoughts about the previous week's game before diving into what we might expect from this week's game but this week I'll let this Vine do the talkin':

I mean he just falls right down. Falls. So slowly. It's beautiful in a way. God, Jake Cotton is an incredible human being.

I really thought we were going to win that game in the fourth. It all came together so well, didn't it? It just felt like another Ameeracle waiting to happen. But instead it was a slow, gradual realization that we had fallen and OH MY GOD JAKE COTTON IS A WALKING METAPHOR (I'm using a fairly liberal definition of the word "walking").

This week in the Tunnel, John Papuchis is ready to win big. Tim Beck is ready to win a new job. And Bo Pelini would just like to win a game. Follow TWOS on Twitter for in-game meltdowns, and please, Dear Jesus Rex Burkhead, don't make us complete another Hail Mary to beat stupid Northwestern.

Game Week: Michigan State (2014)

I don't think it can be overstated how funny it is that Kenny Bell straight up HUGGED a referee as his touchdown celebration last week. Last night I watched Oregon get a 15-yard celebration penalty for bowing after a big play (which Kenny Bell also does a lot) and it arguably cost them the game. Meanwhile, Kenny Bell hugged a referee. And who's gonna flag him for that? Nobody. Because you can't see it in the picture below but Imani Cross is just off camera threatening the referee to enjoy the hug. Imani Cross only wants what's best for Kenny Bell.

This week, we get our first big test since McNeese State. That's a true sentence! Nebraska's ugly-yet-dominant wins this season don't give anyone much of a sense of how this game will go on Saturday, but I do know that the expectations for it seem so much more realistic than years past. And that is a very, very good thing. This team came into the season loose, and the fans did, too, with a wait-and-see attitude that was truly much more cautiously optimistic than year's past. And that has all paid off nicely. Don't put the expectations of 1995 on Bo Pelini, that's not where this teams do well. Put the expectations of 1991 on them. Positive, hopeful, but not unrealistic. Then let 'em surprise you. It's more fun that way. So fun, in fact, that in case you hadn't heard, Kenny Bell just hugged a referee after a touchdown last week. Hugged him. Ran right up and hugged him.

This week in the tunnel, John Papuchis continues to impress, and impossibly enormous college students continue to terrify. Follow TWOS on Twitter, and enjoy the game. And hug a referee.

Game Week: Illinois (2014)

Last weekend, a buddy told me that some tough-guy-bros next to him were talking about going down on the field and throwing some hands with Miami players. PLAYERS! Boy, I would've liked to see that. But instead, they booed them heartily from a safe distance. Close enough.

But who can blame them? We beat Miami. I don't care what version of Miami this is, beating Miami is cool. They are the Empire and we are Luke Skywalker, in that while the real battle ended decades ago, you still appreciate it when the good guy wins.

I, for one, welcome our new occasionally-violent football team. Look at Josh Mitchell in the first frame below, being restrained by Corey Cooper from fighting a man literally 3 times his size. Josh Mitchell is the hero short people need.

This week in the Tunnel, we recap the Miami game and look ahead to Illinois but not too far ahead to Michigan State. Hopefully. God, please don't lose to Illinois right now, Huskers.

Follow TWOS on Twitter where you can watch me get progressively drunker over the course of a game. And enjoy your tailgating this week (but please stop hitting cops with full beer bottles. You're not Josh Mitchell).

Game Week: Miami (2014)

Oh hell yes, Miami week.

I know it's not Good Ole' Miami. And so far as we know it's not necessarily Good Ole' Nebraska. It's more like Good... No Wait... Oh God...Hey... That's Not Bad... We'll Take It Nebraska. But still, watching the N and the U square off on opposite sides of the line of scrimmage will remind me of the '94 title game. It'll also remind me of the '01 title game, because being a Husker fan means never letting yourself be fully happy.

Still, I'll take this shit over Fresno State. What was that? I mean, we got the result we wanted but nobody enjoyed the process and it took way too long - in short, a real handjob of a football game.

This week in the Tunnel, the staff prepares to win their first actual game of the year. Lots of people want to help. Nobody really does. Follow TWOS on Twitter for more fun, and if you see a Miami fan this weekend make sure you just kidding they have no fans.

Game Week: Fresno State (2014)

The cover photo in this week's slideshow (below) shows Ameer Abdullah destroying the hopes and dreams of 8 young men. While he destroyed them, I cheered wildly. I laughed and high-fived my dog and never even began to pity the 8 young men who had come halfway across the country only to almost pull off an enormous, season-making upset, then have it pulled out from under them at the last minute by Superman. This is why sports are neat. Nobody really wants Rudy to win.

God, that game was awful. I know it's greedy and entitled of me but I really look forward to those McNeese St. games on the schedule because I assume it'll be the one week of the year I don't gnaw my fingernails off by the third quarter. But oh well. The ending was so crazy fun I'm willing to forgive the fact that the rest of the game forced me to start drinking in my pajamas. FORCED ME!

This week in the tunnel, well, I won't even spoil anything for you. I'm excited for you to read it. Follow TWOS on Twitter for stupid jokes all week long and I'll see you back here next week to get prepared for the Miami game by remembering Cory Schlesinger's Top 100 Fullback Traps.

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