Ecstatic Dejected @turbulentortoise-blog - Tumblr Blog

Fucking caged

You two have no idea how this isolation affects me. I feel like I'm in fucking prison and I have felt like this since forever. You say I always go out, but I ask permission like once every sem! I don't even bother asking most of the times because I know the answer. You may think it doesn't affect me at all, but it does. Just because I don't rebel doesn't mean I don't feel shit. This is probably why I'm so bottled up! All this anger kept inside and no where to let it out except tumblr because I don't have anyone to let it out to! Do you know how many friends I have lost just because I don't have time to even see them? People can't always adjust to me just because of strict parents. Why spoil their fun for a dead kid like me? They don't even care anymore! I have lost the guts to talk to people because I am way too embarrassed since I never show up. You guys think I have a great social life, but I barely even have one. All I have is a boyfriend that has a life of his own and luckily deals with me being so caged. I feel bad for him too when he asks me out and I can't always go. The only place we get to hang is in the mall and school. I just feel so left out with everything. It is so easy to be invisible with a group of people. I have to beg to be noticed and sometimes my presence isn't even acknowledged! Fucking shit. When I get a life of my own I can't wait to just go and travel by myself.

I hope what you say is true.

I'm having my doubts, but I'll choose to believe you.

I've been legal for a year and nothing has changed. Pretty happy that there were a few people who remembered my birthday without relying on Facebook notifications. It means a lot more to me to know that very few honestly remembered opposed to having hundreds of greetings from people I don't know and people who need to be reminded. I don't have friends who plan ahead and put an effort to surprise me, but at least I know who my friends are even if they aren't all that sweet. If we expect something, how are we supposed to be moved?

Sometimes all you have to do to know is to be a girl.

Dude, my boyfriend is not a girl for you to woo, you fucking bisexual.

*No offense to other bisexuals* Idek what you are anymore. Either way, stop being so desperate. He's not available for you to court or charm.

badboyplants

there’s like so much I want to vent and so much shit on people I need to talk about and some stuff i went through but never emotionally responded correctly so its just like a large somber salad

You're giving me reason to question you and it scares me.

If you can't get the love you desire from your significant other, don't beg for it from someone already taken.

What is wrong with you? With both of you? Both you bitches need leashes.

Unsent Letter #2

Understand that just because I don't say anything does not mean nothing's wrong. There's probably a reason behind my silence and you just don't notice. Just because you catch me jealous once does not mean I have never been jealous before.

You may think that I have suddenly become insecure because of jealousy, but know that I have always been insecure. I can be insecure of others because I may not be able to offer what they can, but it's not something I can blame them for. You don't always make me feel secure and that is why I feel like shit. I am insecure because you still bring up people from your past and I think any present girlfriend would feel uncomfortable. I don't talk much about my past because I know you don't like it, can you not do the same? You constantly mock me and point out my imperfections. Even though you do that in a joking manner, and you say it doesn't really matter and still love me nevertheless, that doesn't always work especially if you point my insecurities out repeatedly.

Understand also that I sometimes choose to remain silent and don't bother bringing up certain issues because I myself know that I can be a shallow person most of the time and I know that bringing up tiny issues have a possibility of turning into a fight because of how shallow I am. I'm pretty sure we both don't want that, and I know it'll probably be my fault. I don't want to turn into that extra clingy and strict girlfriend that everyone hates. I want to be the girlfriend that understands and gives you the freedom. It's enough that I don't have a life, I don't want to take yours away too.

And I know that you know I am a huge cry baby and bringing up things again will just make me cry even though the issue was fixed calmly without the tears in the beginning. Following up by looking at me in the eye and asking if I'm okay repeatedly does not help at all, but rather forces the tears out. You get me crying for a minute and laughing the next, but my eyes will swell up for a really long time because I have weird eyes and I'm a sensitive baby. Definitely don't want that, so no to crying as much as possible.

I know being open is important, and we are, but I personally think that some things as shallow as this entire post is something I shouldn't have to tell you and would rather keep to myself. I just hope you eventually realize these small things because I have voiced these out to you directly and indirectly, but they are usually left unheard or unnoticed.

Why can't them bitches back off?

When you're crushing on a guy and you know he has a girlfriend, and you see the guy and his girl on a regular basis because you're blockmates with both of them, can you not set your boundaries and back off? You aren't the first to do this, so what gives? Can you people not know where you stand? I honestly wouldn't mind if you're just crushing on him and aren't planning to do anything, but voicing it out to him like you're begging him to reciprocate is so not cool. That is so desperate. Bitch.

You know, I'm just so proud of him for telling me these things and distances himself because he knows it's wrong. So I'm not going to start a scene or anything. Just going to keep my cool again and act like I don't know shit, but geez, so much for tropa! Double bitch!

lykamea-deactivated20210703

GIVEAWAY!!! GIVEAWAY!!! GIVEAWAY!!! GIVEAWAY!!! GIVEAWAY!!!

*Accidentally deleted the original Giveaway post. For more details please check: http://roseveltlyka.com/post/104735337250/mistakes-and-mishaps

Up for grabs:

1. Unplug Every Day: 365 Ways to Log Off and Live Better

2. Two...

Just because you are used to something does not mean you are used to the pain it causes.

Unsent Letter #1 - Sembreak Sepanx

I feel so alone. Like legit alone. And scared. I've been feeling so depressed for the past few days and I don't have anyone to talk to because I don't even know who my fucking friends are. You're busy there enjoying your social life while I'm here at home stuck with none begging for attention and getting none. How shallow can I get? You know? I don't know. This all started when you mentioned about how you had to start fixing your papers for Australia because you'll be migrating after graduation to get your citizenship. This is something I've known from the start, but I guess it's only sinking in now. I am so fucking scared of not having you here with me. 4 years is so long and I know you said that I should follow after I take board exam in 2 years, but I can't just leave my family like that. 4 years of LDR is longer than the time we have been or will even be physically together. This is all so scary to me. I have no one without you. I know that sounds clingy, but it's the sad truth. I have been searching for real friends, but I guess people just see me as a normal friend and nothing more than that. I get all the attention I need from you and without you, I don't know. This lately I haven't even been getting your attention and I am shattering into pieces. Our 2nd anniversary's coming up in like a day and there you are having fun drinking with friends while I'm here being shallow and crying like a sissy. I always let you out because I don't want you deprived of your social life just because I don't have one, but how can you not tell I feel like total shit every time? All I ask is for you to check up on me at the end of the day before we bid our goodnights instead of plain goodnight. Then later in the morning I find you online posting on Facebook 2 hours later after you asked if we could sleep because you're head hurts or you're sleepy or whatever. How am I supposed to feel? Shallow, yes, but come on. My inbox used to be filled with like more than a hundred messages from you on school days. That might sound too much and real clingy, but this sudden drop this lately to like 40-50 max. on non-school days is something I just can't immediately get used to. Sometimes we just go a little past 10 messages a day and it feels so wrong. You used to be this guy who texts me when I don't reply in like 10 minutes and now you sometimes take more than an hour to reply. This may be normal to some but it just feels so wrong to me. You used to like text me good morning right when you wake up and now I get a "hey!" sometime in the afternoon. I know you've been waking up late this lately, but even if you are awake I still don't get that text anymore. I get that our honeymoon phase is over but whatever. This is so shallow and I'm sorry for that. I guess this is all because I'm scared that we'd have to go through LDR in a year from now and I am scared that you'd just get tired and bored of me and this'll all just end. Like I came across some Wong Fu YouTube short about LDR and a few seconds into it I started tearing up and could not continue because I saw us. And this lack of attention I'm currently getting makes me feel unneeded. And compared to all your past girls I feel like I'm in the bottom based on how your stories make me feel, but that's something else. I just feel like shit and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I can't find it in me to tell you this because living in Australia has always been a plan of yours and I can't take that away from you. Before we had anything going on, you were supposed to migrate 2 years ago, but you didn't and we got together. I never knew why you didn't leave for Aus, but you told me that you told your mom you wanted to stay because of me. I don't know if that's true or it was just to get me all giddy, but there's this part of me that wishes you'd just not leave next year and stay for me, at least just a little longer 'til we can actually go and have a life of our own. I know I am reacting way too early. All this advanced thinking is seriously killing me and I am fucking scared and I have no idea what to do. Hopefully seeing you tomorrow on our anniversary will get rid of all this shit I'm feeling and this crying before bed will end. This is just me being paranoid, but fuck it.

Because fuck it.

I try to help out as much as I can, I try my best to be a part of something, you people force and bug me to join in whatever group, org or whatever, but you guys act as if I'm not even part. Why ask me to join if you don't need my participation? Some of you guys don't invite me to anything, and though that hurts, fine. I understand since I can rarely make it, but can you not ask bug me to join in something, but treat me like a fucking ghost. Like geezuz, why put effort? This is why I don't bother joining anything anymore. Fuck everything, I do shit for myself. I am perfectly fine working solo and not serving for the public though I've always put the effort to do so. I guess I am not meant to serve since my temper would probably just explode anyway.

Talking to you feels like talking to a bowl of cold soup!

My Tumblr is filled with too much words and negativity it's sad.

The Bathroom Friend

Me: *leaving the bathroom* Person: Hey, join me to the bathroom!! Me: But, I have to- Person: *drags me to the bathroom* Stay there and don't leave me!!! Me: *talks to a friend right infront of the bathroom door* Person: Why'd you leave me?! Bye! *leaves me alone in the bathroom* Wtf? What was that all about? I know this is not a big deal at all, but it is so tiring to be someone you only talk to because you need something. Talk to me when you want to ask about homework, talk to me when you're curious about what's on my face and that's it. We don't talk in class unless you need to ask something and I find it annoying. I am not your google and I don't plan to be. I have so much hate for people who only talk to me because they need something and not just because. I won't mind if we're just friends, but if you forcefully dragged me into your so called "group" and count me as a "best friend", but treat me like an acquaintance, u a hardcore bitch. I also have so much hate for people who act like they have so much class and know so much, but don't at all! Congratulations for being both! Do not lecture me when all you can lecture is common sense and look like you occasionally get slapped with make up.

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