hapless shenanigans

yo this is a role playing centered blog belonging to jude its main purpose is to host my role plays, but you might get some rambles about OTPs and the like. note seeing as i role play dave pretty often this blog is bound to be full of him nsfw content is pretty likely

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

sometimes its ok to roleplay striders who arent lusting after each other's assets

(hahah geddit assets)

BRO: Hey, Dave.

TG: hows it going bro

BRO: I dunno man, that last fight kind of.

BRO: Killed my vibe.

TG: im going to take the whole killed your vibe thing as meaning you feel like shit warmed over

BRO: Not even warm, man. Straight up microwaved.

BRO: A little tight in the chest, you know? Rough night.

TG: tight in the chest sounds like it could be a little problematic

TG: i suggest some deep breaths and a hearty dose of calm the fuck down dude

BRO: As far as health problems go it's pretty... Metal.

TG: hahah that was pure comedy gold dude so much respect right now

TG: but no seriously shut up

BRO: I'm fine, Dave.

TG: define fine in terms that a normal person would use

BRO: Feeling well enough given my situation.

TG: i call bullshit

TG: give it to me straight dude or im gonna be forced to assume the worst

BRO: I'm a single fucking parent in Texas and I'm rich as shit.

TG: ok normally i think im pretty good at following your obscure trains of thought but this one kind of lost me

BRO: This isn't even obscure or ironic, I am taking a moment to relish in that rare moment of being legit that I occasionally toss out there.

TG: that would explain why i cant fucking follow what youre getting at here

BRO: Don't sweat it, man. Just wondering how your little punk self would react if I brought a lady home.

BRO: You know, a little company. A little fun. But not like, the usual kind.

TG: a lady

TG: like

TG: a lady

TG: or like a chick that has some vaguely interesting qualities about her

BRO: Like, no, a respectable woman.

TG: ok but i just have one question

TG: do you even know what a respectable woman actually is

TG: bro if you met her at burger king i dont think she counts as respectable

BRO: Do you remember that bangin' blonde chick a while back with the scarf and the kid your age? Said she was in Houston for 'sciency wizurd [sic] purposes'?

TG: that rings a little bitty bell somewhere in the back of my mind

TG: oh wait

TG: the kid my age

TG: yeah were like besties now

TG: and you want to bang her mom

BRO: Clearly she liked her drink a little more than some ladies, but I'd ring her little bitty bell as 'respectawhat

BRO: You're kidding.

TG: i am absolutely not kidding

TG: i dont know man theres something about that girl

TG: something freaky and more than a little unnerving but

BRO: I'm down.

TG: wait

TG: i just realized how that sounded

TG: dude its not even like that though

BRO: Rewind that a few conversational post-points.

BRO: I want to politely engage in a 'date' with her mom. I want to get to know her mom, and probably form an emotional bond with her mom.

BRO: THEN I want to bang her mom.

TG: right

TG: yeah i kind of put that together on my own but thanks so much for the diagram

TG: i really needed that

BRO: What's the deal with the girl you want to bang her?

TG: oh my god

TG: no

TG: i literally just said its not even like that

BRO: Alright good, you're too young for that shit.

TG: i beg to differ but this isnt really a conversation i want to be having right now so

TG: anyway i guess in regards to your question

TG: i dont see why you would even like factor me into this i mean dude youre a grown man do what you want

BRO: I appreciate your permission for this.

BRO: You are missing the point wildly.

BRO: The point is pick up the kitchen, I'm bringing this banging bipch home.

TG: yeah alright

TG: im actually going to have to pass on that one

TG: you want to impress a bitch you clean up the kitchen yourself man

TG: im not the one looking to do the horizontal tangle plus feelings here

TG: also i lied my opinion totally should matter and this idea is about as stupid as your already immensely stupid ideas get

BRO: Fair enough. Give me your opinion.

TG: i thought i made it pretty clear just then

TG: youre an idiot and i dont like this

BRO: I mean a legitimate, reasonable opinion not your typical campy teenage protest of everything that doesn't have to do with you.

TG: well but that seems like a lot of time to waste just to get to the same point that your actions reflect a surprisingly high amount of inner stupidity

TG: ill go ahead and give you a hint at what im thinking though

TG: how are you honestly going to factor a legitimate woman into your life dude

BRO: What else am I going to do, little man?

BRO: I've got maybe five years and you're out of here. I can tell you don't plan on sticking around.

BRO: I'm set for cash, and so are you. I don't have anything to aspire to, really, and you've got hells of life to go be your own Dave in.

TG: sure but you can wait five years and then like fill the gaping hole that will be my absence with some chick then

TG: or a lot of chicks i dont care

BRO: Motherfucker do you not realize?

BRO: By then I will be a whopping ?? years old. Who even knows what kind of market is available for me at that age.

TG: alright fine say you do hook up with this chick in a way that gets all emotional and real

TG: are you going to have her move in with us and be a legit part of our lives or

TG: cause im pretty sure thats a thing women like to do

TG: pretty sure

BRO: You don't think we could do that?

TG: its not that so much as me thinking weve been doing pretty damn good for the past thirteen years without something like that

BRO: Gotcha.

BRO: Glad we had this talk. Your ass is getting dragged through smuppet city when I get home.

TG: i feel like thats a punishment rather than your typical douchery and im gonna have to object

BRO: Right, see, the thing is.

BRO: I will view your objection, and consider it.

BRO: I have considered it. It is mutiny, and will be met with further punishment.

TG: ok im still objecting though

TG: to the smuppet thing not the lady thing

TG: although im objecting to the lady thing too

TG: you asked for my opinion man

TG: im pretty sure i warned you that you didnt actually want to hear it

TG: pretty fucking sure

BRO: Nah, I wanted to hear it.

BRO: See, now I've got an excuse. Not that I needed one.

BRO: See you at home.

TG: oh my god how is that even fair at all you tell me to state my objection and then you use it to fuel your stupidity

TG: i think thats mutiny

BRO: What's that I hear? More mutiny??

TG: i sincerely hope a bird delivers a heaping glob of fetid wet shit on your shirt on the way home

BRO: Man, you are just looking for a beatdown. That's cool.

BRO: I don't mind delivering.

TG: i mean i can always just slip out the window and not be here when you get back

TG: put this off for a while

TG: that can be a thing

BRO: Do you know what my middle name is, Dave?

TG: its got something to do with ass kicking im reckoning

TG: or at least thats the path youre trying to take here

TG: i call bullshit and thus refuse to listen

BRO: No, Dave.

BRO: My middle name is I grew up alone and fucking made my first name "Bro", so I can make my middle name whatever I god damn want.

TG: ok this is the second time in the span of one conversation your train of thought has lost me

TG: what point are you failing to get across here

BRO: I am as of right now making my middle name Miles.

TG: duly noted

TG: should i ever feel inclined to shout your full name in a fit of exasperation ill keep that in mind

TG: please update me each time you choose to change your middle name

BRO: What I'm getting at is.

BRO: You can't escape, Dave.

TG: i dont know man houston is a pretty big city

BRO: And Lil Cal is a pretty fast puppet.

BRO: We have a connection, man. I feel him. I know where his plush ass is. And his plush ass is right behind you, right now.

TG: yeah youre officially stupider than you thought if you think im going to fall for that one

TG: well shit

TG: extra shit

TG: i take that back

BRO: See you in five, bro.

[pistolsguns-deactivated20140425]

note to self draw dirk in a gask mask getting his dick sucked by dave

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

random writings time!!

i have no idea where i was going this i just found it on my jumpdrive and was like hey cool yeah let's post this shit.

(tw for slight blood and emetophobia squickiness)

==> Be the Ultimate Supreme Asshole Guardian Above All Asshole Guardians in the League of Parenting Douchery

You are pretty worthy of that title, but you’re not really thinking about that right now (for once). You’re more focused on balancing an unequally stacked pile of emotions while making your way across a swaying tightrope made up of your crumbling cool and stretched precariously over a pit whose bottom seems painfully nonexistent. The overall sensation is somewhat like indigestion combined with the strength zapping effects of a good migraine, plus the uncanny throbbing in your brain.

                Also? It’s hot as pits out here. And not just any pits: the fetid, slimy pits of Satan himself. It’s like the city of Los Angeles was just plucked up and tucked amidst the bristly, stinking underarm hair of the Devil just as the guy was hitting hell’s sauna after running a marathon through the sulfurous pits and piles of burning bodies that made up hell’s landscape. As if that weren’t enough, your shades skittered off some time ago, and the sun is literally burning away all the moisture in your eyes and causing the sensitive peepers to smart.

                You guess you could close them, but that feels too much like defeat. Or, more like defeat than what you’re already going through. Defeatier? That just sounds awkward, and you’re very glad you didn’t say that out loud. Not that you think you could honestly embarrass yourself in the kid’s eyes more than you already have, in all the time you’ve lived with him.

                Well, there is a way. But you guess that wouldn’t be embarrassing so much as it would be completely…

                You shouldn’t be thinking about this. Not with Dirk pressed against you, his eyes fixed on you with an intensity that somehow rivals his usual very high level of intensity. It occurs to you that it’s kind of crazy that you’re more concerned about that than you are about the sword digging into your throat. But then, you’d come to terms with your crazy a long time ago.

                Sort of.

                You swallow and you feel the blade nick your Adams apple. He had been careful not to actually lay into you (more careful than you can be, you muse guiltily) and this is the only blood he’s drawn from your throat. You feel the sticky warmth of vital liquid oozing from other areas on your person, but you’re not concerned. You’ve had worse, if not as many hits in one spar as you earned in this one.

                Your vanity wars against parental pride for a fraction of a second as Dirk’s gaze forces you to acknowledge your defeat. Your lips quirk up at one corner and you recline your head lazily, exposing your throat to him further. You’re pretty positive you imagined the darkening of his eyes, so you refuse to ponder it. “Good one,” Which is kind of understated, considering this is the first time he’s bested you at a strife, and handed you your ass pretty skillfully besides. But you know he knows what those two words really say. A lifetime in your presence has made him an expert in the language of Dave, second only to Lalonde.

                His tension remains, though you were sure he’d only been holding onto it in anticipation of whatever you had to say. You plant your feet on the ground, arching your body upwards to try and pull yourself off the hot pavement. Dirk’s katana falls to the side, but his weight does not allow you to rise. You open your mouth to reprimand him, the brat. The strife is over, he won, and you kind of want an ice bath and to stretch out naked on your cool leather couch until the hellish heat of the day is nothing but a vague, forgotten nightmare.

                “I’m moving out.”

                You jerk none too gently and it’s a good thing he allows you to move this time because you would have blown chunks all over his front and you’re pretty sure puke stains are a bitch. You manage to get on your knees before a thick, stinking stream of bile and this morning’s mostly digested leftover pizza splashes against the pavement scalding your palms.

                Later you would blame it on the heat and the unhealthy amount of blood you’d ingested from biting the inside of your cheek as you fell to Dirk’s blade.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

Being Rose Lalonde was...just as mindfuckingly difficult as she made it look, that was for damn sure. If there had ever been a moment in Dave's life that he had wanted to be his sister (there hadn't been), there sure as the young woman's soullessness (in his eyes) would not be another. The witch and her fucking wagers. He was going to make her Do his laundry until the day he died and then pick weeds from his grave every day after and then force her to rub his feet when she met up with Him in hell. After five hours of schmoozing their mother's friends while simultaneously blocking their dagger like words with a superiorly sharp tongue and dodging Mom's booze addled lamentations of his (Rose's) lack of appreciation (all while Rose, masquerading as /him/, lived it up at one of the parties thrown to promote his upcoming movie, the bitch and her crazy bets), he was free. Which meant returning to Rose's apartment to ditch her stupid clothes and take full advantage of her heaven sent shower. Only, when he got there, someone was waiting outside the door. A friend of his sister? He didn't say anything, keeping his expression composed and fingers metaphorically crossed that this wouldn't give him away. Maybe a friend would recognize him as not Rose more readily than Mom's booze happy gal pals.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

i have a mad itching to roleplay dave pretending to be rose for some......miscellaneous reason Idk ill figure it out fun stuff though i mean

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

jfc I just read Dave/Bro petplay and generally that is not my thing but wow Bro would look nice with a collar, hello.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

Ok so. What about alpha!Dave and Bro? Prissy, groomed by Hollywood and spoiled rotten Dave with the complete freak that is Bro??? Please.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

Ok, I like Dave spanking Dirk because angry guardians are generally appealing but moreso I'd like Dirk spanking Dave???? Come on. Big deal, spoiled rotten celebrity Dave Strider deserves to be taken down a notch or three.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

SOMEONE RESPONDED AND MY FUCKING NOOK DISCONNECTED ME AND THEY DISCONNECTED AND ARGH

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

There is apparently a scarcity of Dirk's on MSPARP. I just want Dave to have a chance to miserably fail at acting like Dirk's Bro and maybe get sex in the process.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

I just wrote a prompt wherein Dave is pretending to be his guardian self in an attempt to seduce Dirk because Dirk pretending to be Bro is a thing I've always liked and is done a lot so why can't Dave be Dirk's Bro. Going on MSPARP now.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

I have such a ridiculous craving for Dirk/Dave of a tooth rotting persuasion. Even though FEELINGS make me horrendously awkward. What do.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

wHY CAN'T I HAVE NICE THINGS.

I was on MSPARP chatting with a Dirk and the you randomly disconnected??? Did I do something wrong I mean.

They were just chatting about things Dave happens to send to Dirk while he's drunk.

If it was maybe accidental it'd be pretty tight if you came back or something. 

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

My follower count is just skyrocketing of late. Wow, hello followers.

I guess it should be said that this blog is mainly going to be devoted to rants about Trollplay and mindless babbling about Striders and possibly Lalondes.

That being said, if Stridercest squicks you out this is not the blog for you! I roleplay it a lot, will probably post it a lot, and will definitely whine and ramble about it a lot.

Dercecest will follow closely behind. Though I cannot??? ROSE??? so ramblings are probably not a thing that's going to go down.

And yeah.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

I'm just curious after reading some posts on here, but do you have any issues with people replying to your trollplay prompts as certain characters? Or is it just that you dislike it when they reply in an inappropriate way as those characters? Sorry for the questioning and all.

I don't have a problem with any character, actually! It's just when they respond in a manner that's either poorly written or implies a relationship I don't want to play out. And in my experience, certain characters tend to get played REALLY poorly nine times out of ten so I start to cringe at the sight of their text color. This can especially be said for Johns and Jades. I have nothing against these characters. I just haven't had particularly good experiences with them and as such I tend to dread being faced with them.

My major malfunction is certain people jump at the sight of red text and think I'm going to oblige all their shipping fantasies and thusly tend to launch right into the action before I even get to establish my stance on things. I've had Terezis and Jades alike establishing within their first response that they and Dave are dating or Johns expressing interest in what he's packing and it takes all the fun out of things for me. I'm a very picky shipper so I generally prefer platonic shenanigans but (again solely in my experience) roleplayers of these characters tend to deny me that.

Long story short, I have absolutely no problem with any particular Homestuck character and I welcome responses from anyone of them! I'm just terribly picky about how things go down and if it's so much as hinted that you're expecting Dave to romance the shit out of you then I tend to hightail it the hell out of there.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

HUFFS.

TROLLPLAY.

I lost a Dirk. We were only a handful of posts in but you were fantastic and should totally come back to me so we can continue these shenanigans.

 ▼: Of course Dave isn't about to roll over like a dog and show his stomach that easily. Where's the challenge in asking for surrender only to have someone shrug their shoulders and run the white flag? It's clearly nothing valuable if it's turned over so easily. Dirk narrows his eyes, gives a terse smirk in return. "I don't know, personally, I'm finding this plenty stimulating," as if to back his assertation, he locks eyes with Dave hard, half-smiles, a quick, dangerous glint of teeth, and slides a hand slow down, over his stomach, lower, lower, over the front of his tight, black jeans, nails scratching slightly against denim, and cups himself through them. He hinges his hips forward slightly as he presses up into his own hand, waistband slipping low enough that it's clear he hasn't got anything on underneath. He makes a small, satisfied sound at the back of his throat, clearly played up, clearly a taunt, then cocks an eyebrow at Dave. "I think you're going to have to do a lot better than that if you're going to convince me. You've already struck out twice and I know you only watch sports if you're reasonably sure you can get a decent vantage point on someone's ass, but even you can figure out how the rest of that cautionary metaphor goes, I'm sure."

▲: Immediately Dave's eyes hone in on the movement of Dirk's hand, widening a fraction as they follow the appendage's path. Thoughtlessly, he leans forward. It's a fraction of a movement, hardly noticeable to the untrained eye. His hands remain carefully clasped behind his back all the while, as if they really were bound. His tongue darts out, wetting the full curve of his lips, and for once it's not a calculated movement, but one bred out of poorly contained want. He doesn't even seem to notice he's done it, or he doesn't care, lustful hunger all too evident in his gaze as it remains zeroed in on the position of Dirk's hand. At least until Dirk speaks, gaze snapping back to his face. He sucks in a deep breath that's maybe on the dramatic side, exhaling it in a world weary fashion. "Dirk," They hadn't talked titles, so he figures addressing him by his name will do. "I am actually literally on my knees right now. Can't get in a more suitable position for heartfelt pleading than this. So please, for the love of all that is erotic and carnal, touch me. Or let me touch you." His eyes make a not so subtle flicker downwards back to Dirk's hand. "I'm not terribly picky about how this goes down, aside from the fact that I'm in desperate need of some skin to skin contact sometime within the next minute or so. Please. However you want me, whatever you want me to do, I'm all kinds of all over it." It's hard to tell how sincere he really is, his tone not really changing from it's typical impassivity. The only indication of whatever desperation he might feel is in the way he continues to lean forward, and in the bright sheen of his eyes.

[turntechnicalgodhead-blog]

UR ALFA STRIDERCEST MADE ME WANT TO CRY OMG IM DYING

Those better be happy tears, anon.

I worked really hard to fight my instinctual urge to make things all hells of angsty.

It had a happy ending.

If you don't consider the fact that Dave's going to get old and gross about ten years before Dirk's even ready for a mid life crisis.

But see there's a reason I didn't venture there.

I imagine Dirk stays and takes care of his old and gross brother and helps him bleach his grays and smear wrinkle cream onto his delicate delicate skin and massages the soreness straight out of his old and creaky self.

And Dave is still the king of popping wood so they continue to have sex except it's now old man on middle aged man sex and basically something no one actually wants to witness.

And it's really a testament to how much Dirk loves him that he doesn't mention to Dave when that plush rump starts to sag a little.

(I'M STILL ON AN ALPHA STRIDERCEST KICK SOMEONE HELP BEFORE I START DETAILING EVERY SECOND OF THEIR LIVES)