Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Fucking shit, I wrote this over a year ago. It’s actually a rather thoughtful document, which is why I went seeking it today, but it’s the parts that I’d forgotten about that I’m interested in sharing here. Because this religion of yours, Hate Theater and submission to the Hitler Computer, is bullshit beyond bullshit. I try to be so fair-minded but it’s bullshit beyond bullshit. I don’t need to be fair-minded because you impose it on me without my consent and despite my protests. It’s fucking bullshit. Here are a few excerpts.
I am hearing a lot of messages, asking forgiveness and urging reconciliation, e.g., on the radio, on the internet, i don’t watch T.V. otherwise i assume i’d find them there, too.
I can’t pretend I ain’t touched by it. I miss my girly and our pets like it’s been years. And even though I can’t honestly say I think that I *should* have her back, I definitely want to talk to her, because I care about her soul as well as I have a burning desire to know what precisely went wrong and how precisely she was deceived in such a fucked-up way and if I can retain any hope for humanity; and I *would* like to reconcile, more than anything, but I’ve simply lost faith in her because she digs such a worthlessly deep grave for us and she won’t stop digging, and I don’t know what kind of metaphor you think this is if it doesn’t mean she’s building up a burden for us on the other side, and the way she destroys our worthy options and wastes our opportunities, I find it nearly impossible to believe she’s up to that burden; otherwise, why do this?! what is the point, of throwing away so much, if you know it just means throwing away more? ---but my heart requires that I know, if I can. I assume she is locked in an intellectual prison; will she turn on her captors (and mine)? I love her; I want to talk to her; I miss her; and I’d rather assume nothing, I’d rather find out.
But, on the other hand, it’s complete and utter bullshit.
How can you convince me she really wants forgiveness and reconciliation? If she wanted forgiveness
-wouldn’t she stop harassing me? e.g., legally (perjury, order of protection), neglect, denying our love and shaming it online
-and wouldn’t she ASK forgiveness? wouldn’t she go to me?
So how can I believe you, that she wants forgiveness and reconciliation?
if she is in over her head, she could come to me, forget the courts, forget the others, come to me, talk to me, and i’d help her sort it out and maybe even forgive her, it’s harder every month and every year she lets pass but maybe, if she’d still be willing to throw it all away for me, give up the race feet from the finish line, that would go a long away i’d think.........
i don’t really believe she is *seeking* *MY* Forgiveness. I think she is seeking Forgiveness from the Hitler Computer. She hopes or is convinced this is enough or the same. But it’s not. It’s bullshit scripted apologies. I ain’t interested. If she wanted my forgiveness, she would go to me, she would ask me for it. But she doesn’t. Because she is more concerned with the Hitler Computer’s forgiveness. She is playing by its rules and its script, she “does wrong” in its (scripted) eyes, according to script, and then is forgiven in its eyes, according to script. This is the script’s misogyny, after all, one facet: we make her play a horrible part and blame her for it, and she doesn’t even truly get to absolve her soul because it was never about her soul it was about putting her in her place in the worst way possible. It’s about, the Hitler Computer puts her in her place, and it never even loved her.
If she wants *my* forgiveness this is such a feeble attempt! How can you call it an attempt??!! It’s not. It’s just pretend. It’s “love ain’t real,”[*] “Love is submission to the Hitler Computer!”, “submission to the Hitler Computer” *IS* real and what we used to call Love is just pretend. I pretend she is asking for forgiveness, because that’s what the fucking worthless script says.
[*-Referencing the John Lennon song “Love,” which coincidentally I provided her a lyrical analysis of, in the waning moments of the lapsed protection order ~1.5 years ago (?) , my sole effort to contact her in the years since I was wrongfully arrested at the hospital after she’d contacted me from there with concerns and questions. I don’t really know how to navigate tumblr but if you can find a way to search the tag #JohnLennon then you ought to be able to read it, too. It’s concise, see? I can be.]
In *my* case, I am entirely certain our oppression is a problem of BOTH institutional and individual failings. Although, in great honesty, I think it tends toward the latter, at least in *our* case. One reason I was willing to “stick my dick out” somewhat, and thus “had the book slammed on it,” was because I sensed something not right, I sensed we were being fucked with, and I worried there was some kind of fucked up institutional problem and my conscious compelled me to find out (and... why not?). But I and we were clever; we worked hard to protect ourselves and proceeded as carefully as possible. I point out, I never signed any blank contract with the Devil, and I never failed to assert my or our rights, I never conceded any of our legal rights, nor any of our “institutional claims,” so to speak. And yet, what did I discover? The institutions that should have protected us bend away instead. I don’t think this “game” has worked in a while.... a lot of people have pointed out how blatantly failed it is. I later learned that John Lennon sang, “I know you know about the emperor’s clothes,” and I know e.g., the band named Built to Spill has an album named, not “keep it a secret” but “keep it *like* a secret,” i.e. you ain’t foolin’ anyone, you just pretend you are, how many times can a man turn his head and pretend that he just doesn’t see? (15 billion million gazillion times and counting.) So I guess I can’t brag, really, we played a careful hand but the Capitol knows it loses eventually and so it hardly makes a difference whether we play it well or not. But then again, maybe it does. I was asking for repentance 2 years ago, and I knew the fuck why. I have been ignored for at least 2 years. Souls are damning, and they can’t pretend innocence. They can’t hide behind Institutions, because I tested the Institutions: and they can’t hide behind their *ignorance* of the Institutions, because I tried to tell them, I tried to get them to listen, I try to this day but they won’t listen. So, I know there are “institutional problems,” this bullshit secret religion of Simon Shitler says, of following the instructions from Tom Riddle’s diary, and yet, fundamentally, it ain’t the Institutions, there ARE very important and fundamental Institutions that ought to work fine, we should have been protected!!! we should have been able to assert our rights!!! but people, INDIVIDUALS, stood in our way: they abused their positions of authority in order to bend the *actual* institutions of Civil Society away from us, not to mention, semi- and fully-“private” institutions (Family, Religious and Cultural and Academic/Intellectual Communities, Professionalism), that should have been there for us, if only they’d functioned properly. so really it’s just them and their souls. if they didn’t want positions of authority, they shouldn’t have taken them, they should have just done the fucking jobs they were paid for, but, no.
(oh fuck, when did I first write this? almost 2 years ago?)
I don’t feel like I have any choice now, about the way I carry forth. I don’t think my stupid manipulated girl felt like she had any choice, when she 1st reluctantly accepted her part in this.
they have a choice! they have a choice every day!
no matter what’s on the other side, the side that’s hidden from me, “compensation,” “acceptance fantasy,” made-up secret so-called laws
on the other side from that,
HUMAN DECENCY! morals, ethics...
Legal rights (the letter of the law~“health proxy,” as it pertained to our circumstances; and the spirit of the law~the stack of every document we were offered, when we asked for every document available, that we could put both our names on: 8 different legal documents with both our names on them, drawn up by a lawyer and signed by us in 2008)
Contract Law (i.e., this is fraud!)
not to mention, the details of our personal, individual circumstances, from 1.5 years of discussing our circumstances an average of 1 hours/week
no matter what is hidden,
there is plainly a lot to balance that
and our shrinks, they cannot pretend they did not have a choice!!!
but they act as though they do not
I see the “Institutional Problem,” but I don’t think that is the fundamental problem!
How can I convince you, to embrace Compassion, when you ALREADY KNOW compassion is good & important, but you don’t act on it because you EMBRACE HYPOCRISY?
We don’t need better Sesame Street
maybe we need Sesame Street with teeth?!
What is the point of amending the U.S. Constitution, when you have been brainwashed to think it ain’t apply???!!!!!!
What is the point of proving myself in court, what is the point of seeing if you’ll LET me prove myself in court, when you think it’s perfectly acceptable to break the law anyway and to obstruct the legal pathways to justice, in the service of this admittedly sick and stupid system?!
In short, you have some combination of secret institutions, or secret interpretations of institutions, or secret bullshit tolerance for corruption---
that supersede what your out-in-the-open institutions ought to uphold and guarantee and enforce.
how can you think this is an “institutional” problem? yes, it’s a system, yes it’s an institution, but it’s designed to resist or work around meaningful institutional reform. but only because people,
INDIVIDUALS PICK ‘HATE’ OVER ‘LOVE’ (so far as I am concerned, and others agree, and you who disagree are cowards who hide from me rather than discuss these assertions with me openly).
yes, this system subverts the principles of Adaptive Management (see my info-graphic), but oh so fucking blatantly so. you don’t need to see the bigger picture to see the problems at every point, and at every point is a person, who thinks you can hide behind this bad system, you think it has the power to shield you from individual personal culpability, you think you join the selfish herd and you won’t get picked off the by the predators of justice or karma, or you convince yourself each Nazi is as bad as Hitler-divided-by-the-number-of-Nazis, when in fact each Nazi is as bad as Hitler-TIMES-the-number-of-Nazis, and really this is more fundamental than “i’m just following orders,” it’s “i’m following orders to ignore the screams and pleas of the Jews” which, oh you fucking shits you, is so much worse than “push all these button, including this one” (on an oven, say) and so you do, you don’t know what it does but you truly don’t smell anything wrong. you should know better. YOU. not the people long-since dead who invented this. YOU.
maybe if we hadn’t played so carefully, i’d be trying to solve this institutionally
(i did, I even tried it “on your wavelength,” with my two part plan involving “spiritual abuse awareness,” in addition to several other “narrative” solutions and so forth)
but, as it is, i think it is fundamentally not a problem of institutions,
So, back from that long tangent:
Your propaganda is “she is sorry, she wants to reconcile.” The wrongfully-convicted man served nearly all of his sentence, but was set free as soon as it was shown he had been wrongfully convicted. My girl wants forgiveness... but expects me to finish out my sentence first anyway?
i lived with this girl for around 11 years
i bought a cell phone for no other reason than so that she could reach me whenever she needed or wanted to
(since she stopped calling, i haven’t touched my phone and even cancelled my landline)
i was willing to stop whatever i was doing at any moment, if she truly needed me or if i perceived that she did or if she asked me desperately enough
she would get antsy and text message me if I was out too long running errands, she’d says, come home! won’t you come home! or if i spent two hours trying to talk sense to my stubborn parents, she’d text, “when are you coming home!”
and how could this ever have annoyed me? she wanted me there :~( even if I couldn’t be right away.... but usually I could, and I always tried!
i stopped volunteering for Engineers for a Sustainable World, a student organization, while in college, because I didn’t think I had enough time to divide among it and my classes and my girl and our pets, and not because I am dumb and I’m slow at school work or can’t manage my time or even really that I procrastinate very much....... i dropped down to 12 credits almost every semester, not because i couldn’t handle more credits, but because.... my girl wanted me there... and i wanted to be there... and this was my choice and what i chose to do
and when there was a problem in the middle of the night, i solved it
and if my girl was exhausted or overwhelmed, i solved it
if she needed something from the store, i went to get it for her
if she wanted me to look over something she’d written or whatever, i was there for her
i’m there for you when you need me!
when you need me or want me at all, and i can be.....
“any time at all, any time at all, all you gotta do is call, and i’ll be there”
i’ve tried so hard to call her
before i was arrested, i tried to get through to her
now i am forbidden from seeing her or communicating with her
but i try to call her anyway, with my soul
i call and she won’t go to me, i call her, “you can’t refuse,” but she does
and who do you listen to?
how is this compatible with love?
you tell me she wants forgiveness, but she wants to “finish this” even more
no “any time at all,” she wants forgiveness but insists i finish my prison sentence first, anyway,
you can try to convince me it’s not, but your arguments are feeble
it’s bullshit, at least in our case
you can try to convince me she’s not [bullshit, that] her behavior [is not bullshit], but the rest of you still are, and i think her behavior is bullshit, too, and this narrative about it
“raping me in my forgiveness vagina.”
it actually took me a surprising while to put this into other words.
but those other words are (not literally translated, but close enough):
“this exploits my forgiveness, so i cannot be forgiving.”
it is the easiest thing in the world, to be forgiven
you simply sing “amazing grace,” and you can be forgiven.
but you who submit to this ideology of hate and hypocrisy,
you refuse to sing “amazing grace”
you won’t sing it until the script says to sing, so it ain’t real, it’s a bullshit scripted apology:
you are trying to exploit my forgiveness!
(and i am about as forgiving a person as you’ll meet, short of being a doormat who lacks his own convictions or self-respect)
you are trying to exploit my forgiveness, with your bullshit propaganda, “she’s so sorry! she wants to reconcile! just you wait til tomorrow! or, um...... one more election! or is it the next holiday? i forget which bullshit excuse to delay we’re making today! (for you are raping me in my patience vagina, too, by a similar reasoning)
--you are trying to exploit my forgiveness, you are “raping me in my forgiveness vagina” such that you arrange this so i will have no other option but to forgive!!! that is why it is RAPE: because you remove (or try to) my ability to refuse forgiveness, or (more pertinently) to affect my circumstances such that I could be forgiving, i.e., to negotiate *my* terms, you won’t let me “opt out” or “quit” or win some meaningful compromise, NO. You insist, I can only forgive! Instead you rape me, and you rape me in my patience vagina, and you rape me in my trust vagina. Over and over.--
and so, if I really hate this system, and I do, and I really think it is not compatible with my understanding of Love, and I do, and if I really think it is a horrible illegal injustice and that you are brainwashing the girl I love against her sweet and caring nature and to embrace hate and hypocrisy and to ignore the impulse of compassion, and I do, etc. etc.--
then what else can I do, but refuse forgiveness? you give me no other option, you force this.
this is why i let my heart die, i suppose:
because i hate this system
i don’t think it’s compatible with love as i understand it
so i tried everything else i could first, but then i had to decide to let my heart die
because i won’t be patient and i can’t forgive
and i think love without trust is bullshit
and life without love is bullshit
at least, it ain’t worth it to me
this is one way your system works---
it is rape: not sexual rape, but it’s still a form of rape, in fact, many forms of rape
most fundamentally, because it is designed to GET AROUND OUR CONSENT:
“i never consented at all,
and my girl consented like a drunk girl consents to being raped.”
and i think it’s equally bad: that we are isolated, systematically and illegally and through corruption, such that our ‘mutual consent’ becomes meaningless
(and if we are functional and loving, won’t this be the strongest and most meaningful form of consent --or non-consent--? our MUTUAL consent? which is why you separate us in a secret, extra-coercive “prisoner’s dilemma”.... so that we will be that much easier to coerce and manipulate)
it is rape, and what you do is, everyone holds their breath and says OK....
(i have so many dumb quotes i make up, like “how dare you stick your dicks into my life and in-between me and my girl?”)
penetration is the 1st and most important step (at least, you tell yourselves). you work very hard to set it up, and then you placate your conscious with lies as you begin your fucking rape of us.
and you’ve done your work well, so you’ve indoctrinated my girl (and try to teach me) the doctrine of “damage is done”: that is to say, imagine a world with no justice and no recourse for mistakes! if you are wrongfully convicted, there is no second-guessing and no appeal, not after 1 year and not after 24 years, and if you are exonerated through some miracle you are set free, but your quest for justice ends there because “DAMAGE IS DONE” and you are told be grateful for what you got because we own you you are slave-kind and we own you and you need to be grateful for what you got, for what we give you, damage is done so get fucking used to it and try to make the most of what you’re given.
you penetrate, and you say, damage is done!!!
and we say, or i say, i tell our shrink, you are raping us! you are allowing us to be raped! or your partner-shrink is raping my girl’s mind downstairs (yet another form of rape), she is indoctrinating her on the part she’ll play but this includes how to imprison her own mind in willful (hateful) ignorance, such that I am kicked out of the house if I reveal any dissent! (which is... a lot!!!) and so I need you, my shrink, upstairs, to understand how not OK this is but instead of being, oh i dunno, a check on the system, just *in case* maybe it’s not the most appropriate treatment under our circumstances, instead he sees his job as keeping me farther away from the indoctrination going on downstair, i.e., i call him “the rape-room guard”.... and you try to teach me to ignore the dicks in my various vaginas and encourage me to move on... “how are you going to move on?” all you shitheads ask, because, obviously, you say, damage is done, ain’t no [justice, reform], in fact, if anything you people are most keenly aware of [let’s call it “the principle of languish”] and how to misuse it, such that you figure if you can get away with it long enough then you can get away with it, not just in the fundamental sense of, [my] problem ain’t really fixed if you take too long at fixing it, but also in the sense that you hope to escape [justice and reform] by wearing down my will for justice and/or my capacity to achieve it, even when eventually I am freed, and presumably I am / we are compensated.
you figure, once the dick is in, the rest of you can breathe easy.
and eventually i’ll accept, damage is done, and learn to breathe easier, too.
i refuse. i’d literally rather die. not because i am petty, not because i haven’t thought this all through thoroughly and carefully. i understand my reasons, and at the end of the day, it’s how you feel that matters anyway, if not reasons!, and this is how I feel.
so, now you are trying to convince,
penetration = damage is done
and you are trying to convince me to try to be forgiving,
but all the while you have the fucking gall, you say
before we stop raping you
(since we penetrated anyway)
And then you’ll forgive, right?
You are asking for forgiveness,
and you haven’t even stopped raping us yet???!!!
you people have the most fucked up idea of morality i can possibly imagine
i have wasted a lot time and energy typing this
when i know it’s bullshit anyway
it’s just canards (red herring) to occupy my attention
whether or not my girl is sorry (i presume she is)
it has nothing whatsoever to do with your messages to me
if you thought you’d get more traction with “toughen up! don’t feel so fucking sorry for yourself!” then you’d be telling me that instead. but maybe you are sick of hearing about Rosa Parks. and you know i ain’t really fooled so you aren’t really scared to show too many cards. you like to show me cards. it’s a fucking game to you, show me a card, did ya see it? did ya see the card? now write me 25 pages about it! wink wink smiley
love is “any time at all”
rape, penetration, damage is done, now just let me finish....
before apologies and reconciliation
you’ll never convince me otherwise
and you ain’t even really trying
because i know you ain’t really convinced either
i know my girl thinks she has some kind of reason for this, for keeping up the act
we’ve waited too long already and WHO FUCKING CARES
if you make a fucking mess by stopping this early, then I will *********DELIGHT********* in that mess!!!!!!!!!! and we’ll clean it up *****together***** ***whatever*** and ***however long*** that requires!!!!!!!!!
but you are making a mess of everything that matters, you are keeping me away from you and away from our kitties and doggies, you are making a mess of our SOULS and, smart as I am, that is the one mess that I find daunting, how to clean up our shitted-out souls, it is the only mess I can imagine that will cause me misery to clean up and YOU DIG A DEEPER GRAVE EVERY DAY so who cares about anything else, BE LOVING! I CALL YOU, I CALL YOU, MY SHINY BLACK BESS! HERE’S YOUR NEW LINE: “ANY TIME AT ALL!” AND THEN FUCKING ACT UPON IT!!!!!!!!!!!
love has always alway always always been nothing but collateral damage to this system
it’s in the way, so you need to move it out of the way
(it holds us together, when you want us apart)
when you can use it against us, you’ve learned to do that
but really, you leave no place for love in your system
loving people have three options
everyone is different, of course, some people may have relationships that suffer less under this abusive and humiliating system
but i think more so, loving people have tried futilely to hold on
that is to say, of course your relationship can survive this, i’d imagine a large percentage do, especially if they don’t fall apart rather quickly
but, you know, a city can survive a bomb blast
and bombs are bad for cities, they ain’t good
but loving people, who might otherwise suffer this badly, they try futilely to hold on, and so they invent ways, that they can call this loving
that is, they learn to lie to themselves :~(
they learn to tell themselves,
love ain’t real (we pretend it instead!)
love ain’t free (how much better it will be once we’ve earned it!)
it’s emotional self-preservation
because, really there is no place for love in this way
and that is difficult to accept
when you perceive it to be inevitable;
and you don’t want to renounce love, not fully and not consciously
my girl needed me once upon a time,
in that she wanted me and she allowed herself to need me:
but now she doesn’t need me, or else she could have me, but she hasn’t had me for more than 2 years and this has been her choice whether or not she wants to believe it or whether she was manipulated, etc. and even if it wasn’t her choice she doesn’t need me because she’s lived two years without me so she doesn’t need me, she’s been forced to learn not to
she doesn’t text message me, “you’ve been gone 2 hours! will you be home soon??!!”
how can i ever be as happy as i was
when i know she gave me up for so long
she proved she could, she proved she was willing
how long will take, until our lives are as deeply intertwined as they were,
after more than 10 years together?
she’s lived more than 2 years without me
i was cut out of her mental existence more than 3 years ago, beginning in roughly summer 2010, that’s almost 4 years ago, and intensifying over the next 6 months so that we were almost wholly “mentally estranged” by the beginning of 2011, almost 3.5 years ago
like i care if she can feed herself or pay her own bills; she hasn’t needed me as a part of her *mental world* in almost 4 years
to give me up for so long? how are we not broken souls, if we were ever once lovers?
maybe you were less intertwined than we were, fewer years or less close; so you lost less than we did,
although i don’t judge the quality of your love or how this might hurt you
and maybe the timing of it wasn’t so woefully unfortunate to you as it was to us:
we were planning Adult Life, we were beginning it, we were students up until practically this estrangement began and so i am cut out of her life for these years, years, years, (and she from mine,) these formative years at the beginning of our new Life Stage, which is to say: we were growing as people, we hadn’t reached a stable life point yet, and so instead of growing closer, we literally grow apart :~(
and maybe this wasn’t your experience
maybe it was more like a “life interlude”.... or a vacation.............
(although i don’t judge the quality of your love or how this might hurt you; i just know how it hurts me)
we approach the FIFTH summer squandered to this, stolen from the twilight of our youth :~(
you will never convince me this system has anything to do with love
it destroys everything i valued most
and how can anything ever be as beautiful as it was
before you made us learn to live this way
dededos
prguitarman
kianamaiart
izzy806
tangentwithtanner