“big day.” cue moue, cue looking him up and down with said moue and then it turning quickly into a grimace. this is the plain, i am so judging whatever just came out of your mouth. as if she’s in any place to judge, one would say, wisely, rightly so. but haeri cares none for any justice that goes against her, in fact she’ll thrash and lo and behold, argue until it is fucking agreed that whatever, she’s haeri and she’ll do as she pleases until the day she dies. whatever okay. we don’t mention the times when she couldn’t, or the times that led her to this. see this, jaesun sitting there, a boyfriend sitting there talking about a big day. their big day.
“talking like you put a ring on it and bought the wedding dress and then scooped me at the most beautiful altar, please!” the last word is shouted, tone loud as its owner, “i play along once, just once and suddenly i am supposed to outdo the master god no, this is a skill i will be fine just playing around with rather than mastering. could you imagine if i ended up as you, or worse than you. god forbid. she might make my life hell again.” because god may attest to this, haeri’s noticed it a bit. it’s because she’s so damn–herself the way she is all hail haeri–that her mother’s soften to the boy. no seriously.
it’s all those times her mom’s caught her mumbling about jaesun this, whining about jaesun that and all the other times that may have made it look like haeri was more than giving a hard time to the boy that made the woman turn around. this is not a joke. this is not an impression or an assumption. it’s the pure and raw truth that’s been caught from these ears eavesdropping when they shouldn’t have been. but it was past bedtime then and she needed that hot chocolate to stay up until god knew what time. she didn’t plan to eavesdrop, it simply–happened. this is one of the good reasons why her father needs to be around more. he makes her mother a bit more relaxed and honest, makes her say things she’ll never admit even with a knife to her throat. what a toughie.
“no jaesun, no, please, don’t play around my words, we are getting rid of this tiny little piece of tissue that should not be worn anywhere else but–you know what, no, this shouldn’t exist period. we’re all going back to the golden eras where women kept all their coquetteries under wraps.” then she’s grinning at herself and without even knowing why, that has her going kind of gentle and leaning in toward him. “coquetteries, get it?” in until she can slide her arms along his shoulders and be close enough that their noses could be touching now before she’s translating, “coquettish.”
there are certain things jaesun likes to avoid, specifically. things that still give him a little bit of stress though they sit in the back of his head. things that haeri seems keen on pulling out in the best of moments. because she pulls it out in a way that’s so her, maybe unaware, maybe fully aware. and that has him pausing, deciding on whether to keep his lips over the glass and keep sipping or choke like he wants to. he’s careful though. so he watches for a moment, wait until the words are full and out before he clears his throat. allows the thoughts to actually make a mess of his head before he speaks.
“are you saying you’d prefer if I just put the ring on it so I could call it a real big day? that’s not really how i plan to do my down on one knee scene so i might disappoint. or you’re saying that’s the next big step before you’ll allow me to call it a big deal. i can guarantee that one, I wouldn’t be the one buying the dress and you probably won’t let me scoop you at the altar. though that’d be nice.” he doesn’t know much about weddings and he’s not trying to think too much about weddings. for several reasons, but regular reasons. ring reasons and time reasons, accommodation and trust in himself. “as much as your mother might have a soft spot for me, don’t think he’d let me pull out a ring without twenty feet of you.” not that that would stop him.
not that anything’s stopping him really. the thought makes him a little smug. it shows too when he grins. the kind of confidence that he’s got in what they are, the kind of confidence that doesn’t make him worried about popping the question, just following through with it. but - wedding things, deep commitment things, he’s trying to steer as far away from those as possible. because haeri in a wedding dress, well haeri in any dress but a wedding dress? at an altar? their altar? him scooping her up and having her forever? he feels heat rushing to his cheeks and it doesn’t help that she conveniently slides closer and closer the one time he doesn’t need it.
still wants it though so he won’t move a muscle. he’ll just wrap his arms where they always fall, wrinkle his nose because she always does this. “don’t know what coquettish means. i do know that you’re tricking me. and that if it works and I fall for it, your chicken will get cold and I will face hell.” he cants his head towards the plate waiting for them but leans forward for a quick kiss because he has to. it’s not considered falling for temptation because he’s already fallen without so much as a nudge. he’s been in the pit so indulging is an everyday luxury. “we can eat and then we’ll go get you out of the tissue paper that’s making me forget all about the food in front of us.”
A - AGE: 23 ( internationally )
B - BIGGEST FEAR: messing up with the things he cares about, a little less of a constant fear though. more of an occasional anxiety.
C - CURRENT TIME: 3:33am
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: water
E - EVERY DAY STARTS WITH: hugs hugs hugs
F - FAVOURITE SONG: a different way - dj snake
G - GHOSTS, ARE THEY REAL?: hopefully not.
I - IN LOVE WITH: her.
K - KILLED SOMEONE: almost
L - LAST TIME YOU CRIED: a year ago???
M - MIDDLE NAME: --------------- no.
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 0
O - ONE WISH: <3
P - PERSON YOU LAST CALLED/TEXTED: trainer, explaining why i was late to practice
Q - QUESTIONS YOU ARE ALWAYS ASKED: "what the hell---” followed by, what are you doing, is our problem, are you smiling at, is going on.
R - REASONS TO SMILE: changes, changes, changes.
S - SONG LAST SANG: woke up so dizzy - drunk and hungover, can’t find my house keys, who is the chauffeur
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 9:30am
U - UNDERWEAR COLOUR: gray
V - VACATION DESTINATION: seattle, miss home
W - WORST HABIT: thinking too much
X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: several.
Y - YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD: spaghetti
Z- ZODIAC SIGN: taurus
That’s startling, disturbing too. Because how could anyone know what she looked like she needed when she was trying to run away from people themselves and was walking with her back to anything that would remotely try to engage in a conversation. She, of course, has the option of ignoring the voice, maybe it’ll go away with the guy himself if she just makes it really obvious that she’s a grown woman and all she has on her is nothing but a rude and dry attitude, with a misleading petite form and pretty face alright, shame on her for having good genes. At least this way she won’t accidentally once again march right into her mother’s plan and end up being chummy with the enemy. Because the truth is, Haeri hasn’t done her research yet, another shame on her and one point for her mom for not showing her any pictures because she might know her daughter too well to let her have an advantage.
Because Haeri knows the family, but actually there isn’t much about the heirs of the family themselves, or himself? It’s the first time she’s stepped into such unknown territory, and at the same time it would be such an impolite thing to do to ignore all the guests because she doesn’t know who is the one she should be avoiding and Haeri doesn’t do well with disappointing her mother with other people’s eyes to judge. That’s the only excuse she needs to turn around but it doesn’t man she’s going to stop in her steps, walking backwards is an acquired talent that she likes using while screaming something mean at Haerim. Actually, she only learned it so she could also walk up the stairs without falling and ruining her name throwing as well. That’s embarrassing, playing tough and then failing because you missed a step and ending up being the joke of your own karma.
“You know, I’d think someone running away from some place would mean what they actually might ‘need’ is space and time alone, yeah, makes sense right?” But just because she’s not going to play the ignoring card doesn’t mean she will erase her personality entirely. Everybody knows that’s mission impossible x infinity times. Then she’s glancing down at the glass in his hand and that has her stopping, luckily before she can bump into the door that leads to a hallway that was meant to take her to the kitchen. Safe haven, weirdest one but still hers.
“Plus is that alcohol? That’s low, makes it look like you’re trying to ease into something but have no way of doing it, for example, what if they’re prickly and they’re too mean to handle, maybe they’ll be easily cheated with something to loosen that tongue–which don’t need help for that, as you can see, but still, my bad, actually, the good question to ask here is, why did you even follow me?” Now there’s suspicion, that she’s gone and done what she shouldn’t have. Which is engage with the enemy, because why the hell else would he be following and offering her what looks like a glass of champagne if he hadn’t been told to do so? Since well, it’s common knowledge that no one really tries to engage with Haeri. No one who knows the family’s more than a bit bratty only daughter. But anyways, the dreadful conclusion here would be, dang it, he might be the Kwon she’s trying to avoid. Haeri’s crossing her arms and bracing herself to get even rougher if that is the truth.
The champagne, more or less. Was a peace offering for her, and a lay off temptation for him. Something in his jeans, and his genes alike, make him have an aversion to alcohol. His mom doesn’t like seeing it in his hands and she’ll only fake out her guests with one glass before switching to water. His stepfather is the same, they prefer to keep him and the rest of the family from alcohol. While Jaesun doesn’t think it could be a gene thing, they certainly do, and they want him to stay as far away from it as possible. However, his parents couldn’t really prevent what college brought on and though Jaesun fits nicely into their atmosphere and blends right, he always feels a little rough. Always feels like he’s got something peeking out when he doesn’t. And the drink loosens and helps. Even just a sip.
It’s bad but, it’s what he uses. Just how he uses his mother’s suggestion to get out of the crowd and fix his tie that’s a little too tight. He’s accustomed to the fit, accustomed to his mother’s smile that gets him to wear it more and fuss less. He’s older now, he can’t tug and complain like he wants. Maybe when they’re home and laughing about stuffy gets and stuffier rooms, with his trust letting his stepfather’s arm replace his own around his mother. Maybe then. But not now, now he tries his best for her. Swirls the glass for a few times and keeps his focus on his objective.
To talk to the Lee’s daughter and maybe try not to offend her too much.
A step that’s probably been scratched through already.
Jaesun’s met a lot of people through these parties. Big people with brands so wild he knows them before he meets them. Smaller people with auras so scattered he can’t bear more than five minutes. He tries to stay away from people his age mainly because, his parents get weird ideas and he’s more tempted to be how he is normally. And he has a hard enough time being picturesque as it is. It’s been a while since he carried such a reputation and though - in the beginning it was a reputation for his mother’s sake, now it’s a company and a father and a legacy. That’s a lot. Too much. He can’t be a stoic and rash as usual, quick-tongued because he’s supposed to be silver-tongued, something neither him nor his mother are good at. Go figure.
That's why for the first few minutes he’s just staring. Staring at the glass and then at the woman before him. The Lee’s daughter, too close in age for him to try and act as cool as possible. Too brash for him to consider his parent's sake in all of this. So he shrugs his shoulders and downs the champagne. Classy right?
“Alcohol, is and will always be a perfect conversation starter. I don’t know what kind of people you’ve hung out with that use it to coerce things, but I needed it. Since I drank it, there’s no questioning my intentions right?” He rolls his shoulders, his neck and feels the tension seeping out for the first time in the entire night. “What’s low? Assuming something so low of something before they even introduce themselves. That’s fine though, I might deserve it since I did come over here because my mother sent me. But it’s a good break from the crowd, so I thank you miss Lee.” He smiles, a little crooked, a little more genuine than the bright ones the party-goers get.
“If you’re leaving that party for the same reasons as me, it’s rude of me to interrupt your time huh? Hate to say it but, if I head back now, my mom will think I skipped out on talking to you and send me back.”
( hum hum hummmm i really love them. it’s that au again @silverining not the single parent one but jaeri + their adorable son )
jaesun has never been one for sleep. it’s just never been something granted to him. whether it was being young and staying up with his mother until his father was asleep. whether it was staying out late so he didn’t have to go home or staying awake to work when he arrived to korea. whether it was the nightmares or the homesickness, then the crazy work schedule and the training schedule. everything about life seemed to want to suck this one luxury from him. everything made him feel like he had to cling to the reality and the dreams would suck him in.
dreams of controlling himself. dreams of being with haeri. dreams of being anything other than a ragdoll in the ring. things like that didn’t seem tangible unless he was awake chasing it. so he fought sleep. not so much on the days he had haeri in his arms or in the bed beside him. he found sleep easier, more like a brick with very few dreams to take him, just fatigue. it wasn’t the same but it worked. he slept to ease but didn’t sleep with ease.
nowadays, the days have passed that he stays up studying, that he stays up for extra shifts, that jinyoung’s crying wakes them both out their bed. those days have come and gone and he thinks sleep should be a simple thing, a quick thing wrapped around his wife and with his son sometimes in the middle. letting their ease, ease into him.
but sometimes, more often than not he’ll find himself at the door to jinyoung’s room, gazing and dreaming alive.
“what’cha thinking about?” haeri’s voice almost startles him, almost. but he’s been content so long, caught in a reality that’s got him thinking it’s a daydream. it’s more of a snap in than a snap back. he only shuffles, opening his arm to allow her to shuffle against him, body pressed against his side and gaze finding where his now rests.
it’s on jinyoung of course, fast asleep in the racecar pajamas he’d begged for. another phase that jaesun doesn’t question because there’s more to come. but it’s jinyoung, with his leg over the side of the covers just like his dad, cheeks puffed out like his mother. jinyoung, their pride and joy, their son. sound and safe.
and jaesun’s content.
“you’re doing that thing.” that brings a snort, fond and with a kiss pressed to haeri’s temple.
“what thing?”
“one day he’s going to wake up and either one ask why you’re standing there watching him or two scream thinking there’s an intruder.”
“my son would recognize me!” jaesun’s scandalized, so much that he forgets his place in said boy’s bedroom and it has haeri giggling as she’s leading him out the doorway, hands quick and gentle.
“your son, is sleeping, if you wake him up you’ll have hell to pay.” and the door’s closed, the issue forgotten as they scuffle down the hallway.
“oh really? just me?” jaesun’s hands finding purchase on her hips and hers on his neck. the daydream just keeps growing and growing and it shows. with each lovely smile on her face when their foreheads touch and he’s teasing with small kisses. with each move backwards and past their bedroom, using the hallway walls as a barrier. haeri doesn’t move to stop his path from cheek to her neck, hands going from hips to waist to chest. but she’s giggling and keeping him at bay with small pushes against his chest and words as small puffs of air.
“yes just you, I’ll be asleep in bed, not suffering as you traumatize our son.” and jaesun? jaesun shrugs at that. shrugs and smiles because our son means their son and their son is the bundle of love and joy tucked so softly into the room two doors down. their son and their love and every reminder has him kissing until he reaches the hand with the ring that has found permanent residence. he kisses that next. kisses until haeri’s lifting her hand and he lifts with it, kisses until it’s back up to her face, back to her lips.
that’s where they stay for a moment, haeri breathless and breathing low and soft into his chest. jaesun holding, gazing, fondly and with intent to convey it. because their love has become so much more than the hope lingering in the distance. it has become more than just breaths shared and fingers intertwined. it’s more alive than ever and breathing and lighting up their days. and jaesun feels like the dream couldn’t compare. he’s snapped in again by the feeling of lips against his, quick and with purpose, drawing his attention back to where it belongs. haeri with a blush reminiscent of years ago shading her cheeks, and a glare to match.
“i was sleeping just fine and you had to ruin it.”
“i did?”
“yes you did, take responsibility.” he gets a tap to his shoulder, a gentle push in the direction of the kitchen and it’s only his teasing that has him steeling his body.
“a bit late for chocolate? the smell might wake him up.”
“blueberries then, be creative.”
and that he does. because in his dreams he doesn’t get that luxury, he doesn’t get the shoves and the heat and the love. he gets it here, all here and spread out.
and if somewhere around two in the morning jinyoung is padding out asking for a bite of blueberry pancakes all jaesun does is lift him into his arms and smother him in his lap while haeri feeds him. wrapped up and awake in a dream that gets better and better.
she peeks from her hidden spot, face with a beam, her mouth a purse on a smile. “i know i look pretty, don’t you worry, i know i look pretty everyday too, obviously.” that’s a sight roll of her eyes. there’s no denying that vanity is not something she lacks and validation is something she’ll always deny she ever needed in her life. there are all kind of validations though, in all their shapes and forms.
some of them might have put her in some corners from time to time, but haeri is haeri for every little flaws and perfections. and the perfections, she likes chanting that they’re the only things that are a part of her, just because. where’s the fun in negatively viewing oneself when we all have flaws anyway?
“but! i know i look pretty today especially because mom picked the outfit and you’ve got the same taste for two people who couldn’t stand each other once upon a time.” past tense, close past tense even. it’s work in progress, this life, this peace treaty. who’d have known haeri would be in a noman’s land were it concerns her mother and jaesun, or her mother and anyone at all. she never thought she’d be there, standing in the middle, vouching for the woman and whoever else she had to. then again, she didn’t plan on ever having to get to that point.
that is, meeting someone worth vouching for. that’s worth a grimace as she pulls away and makes a dramatic slide all the way against the corner of the booth.“had a ridiculously cheesy thought, i need space.” the main thing with skirts and dresses is how ridiculously constricted and limited she feels when they were made to feel comfortable and at ease. apparently. that’s a lot of bullshit. because haeri would like to cross her legs without the material of her clothes climbing up her legs, and she’d like to bring them up as she wishes, but yeah, no, big no.
so she’s forced to think and watch out for what she does with her entire body. note that she knows her legs are only a part of her body but like, a big fucking part alright. as it is she was already starting to get her legs up though, but that’s quickly diverted to simply tucking them under her weight and pulling a face. “can’t understand people who love these things, they’re useless, useless, one wrong move and i swear you start an immediate career as the typical shoujo girl in a high school uniform being accidentally blown by the wind scene. god. can we go shopping after this? so i can get proper clothes, please?”
there’s something about that jaesun will never get tired of. he’s not entirely sure when he realized why it was such a good thing, having a girlfriend with confidence that could rival the kids that bust into the gym. and that’s saying something. he gets it now. gets why he can only smile knowing he’s got someone as sure and confident by his side even in times when he wasn’t. and it wasn’t a security or anything. it’s confirmation. it’s knowing that in all her confidence it would take a lot for her to jump into something she wasn’t sure about.
and she did jump into them, not as full as she could’ve but as open as she could’ve. him, them and everything they are now. and despite the fear, the confusion that built around it all, she still trusted herself to. still had the confidence that made him sure that he wasn’t just an experiment, more like a lingering hope in the back of her mind. his mind too, though he’s more vocal about it. more earnest in expressing how thankful he is that she did jump and that she did trust.
and so in love.
so in love and so used to the words that he just hums, pulling the glass of water on the table to meet his lips. because yeah he’s listening but yeah he’s also hyper aware of what she’s wearing. he tries not to be but he always is, even when he tries to help it. he sees the fidgeting and notices the annoyance. jaesun won’t be bothered to thank her mother out loud but he does so in his head, blasphemous as it may seem. “for the record,” he removes his gaze and instead lets it linger on her, mischief in his eyes, “she disliked me first, i was just being rebellious for all the times i couldn’t do it in high school.” odd enough as their relationship is haeri’s mother, the lovely mrs. lee is always looking out for him in the strangest of ways. and the skirt? definitely her choosing to be a guardian angel for a day.
“i wish you’d let me in on the sappy things though, maybe a few? just for today since it’s the big day and all? we can trade, i’ll lessen on the sap and you kick it up a notch? knock me out.” there’s a small whine in that, meaningless pleading that he does as he scoots over. shoulders bumping against hers once again, as jaesun finds he can’t be away from haeri for too long. at least not when she’s right there. not when she’s being so effortlessly her. “we can go shopping after though. we could get matching boxers and you can stick them right under the useless dress.”
maybe he says it on purpose but it has his co-worker, well ex-co-worker nearly slamming the tray of chicken wings and fries on the table before them. he mutters an ‘i hate you’ that jaesun gladly returns by nuzzling closer to his girlfriend. can’t help it really, he’s been smitten since day one.
there are small hands tangled in his shirt, it’s almost eight in the morning and jinyoung is relentless.
it’s saturday morning and jaesun’s already got a list of regrets.
for starters, why in the world did he tell jinyoung that he was going to art class the day before instead of just surprising him the day of. jaesun had to handle an entire night of coaxing his son to bed with promises of whipped cream and chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast just to get him to lie in bed. then he had to listen to all the excited thoughts, not that he doesn’t love listening to jinyoung talk but they had to be up early for the class so getting him to bed early was near impossible, hence the chocolate pancakes promise. which is another thing, why would he suggest chocolate chip pancakes knowing jinyoung is going to tell his mother and he’s going to get an earful.
he’s halfway through the eggs and bacon when his ear rings,
“chocolate pancakes! early in the morning! have you lost your mind kwon jaesun.” and yes he can literally hear his mother yelling through the speaker while jinyoung munches gleefully because that’s exactly what she’s doing. because yes the minute he made the food was the minute his mother called to ask about their early art session. and jinyoung was more than happy to gush and spread all the excitement he couldn’t tell her the night before. while jaesun is grateful he’s got his hands full trying to get something of substance near his son’s mouth while trying not to fall asleep at the stove.
which is another issue why in the hell did he sign up for an early session, why did they start art lessons so early anyway? truthfully it’s his fault this is his only available time but, complaints later.
“alright bud you gotta eat some protein.” the meat’s easier to coax than the eggs so he goes for that first, wiping excess chocolate off jinyoung’s lips as he does.
“to be strong like you dad?” tired as he may be jaesun is always in tune to what his son says and he’s smiling immediately, hearing his mother’s snickers on the other end.
“something like that, open up.” and jinyoung does happily so.
“okay eggs and rice and you gotta shower so we can head out.” jinyoung likes his egg hard but only with his rice so jaesun tries to coax this as well, knowing how groggy his son will get if he doesn’t have a full meal. which will only mean it’ll be harder for him to enjoy class today.
“mmmm i’m full.” nice try. jinyoung’s got a stomach just like his father.
“if you don’t eat it up we’ll be late for art class.” and that’s what does the trick, jinyoung gladly letting jaesun spoon the rice into his mouth with his mother laughing on the line. five spoonfuls later and jaesun trusts him enough to let him run to the bathroom to take a bath.
“you and your son are too alike.” he’s smiling between holding the phone between his cheek and cleaning up the kitchen, sneaking in a few pieces of bacon and finishing up the rice jinyoung couldn’t.
“it’d be weird if we weren’t.” sometimes he thinks it’s for the best that he can know jinyoung so well because they’re so alike. some things, he hopes won’t manifest but those are thoughts for another day.
“excited? it’s his first after school stuff alone technically.”
“thanks for the reminder mom.” it’s said as sarcastically as possible before he’s back on dad mode and calling towards the bathroom. “bud you okay in there?” it’s automatic how his mother’s concern bleeds into him and he’s already on his way to the bathroom.
“i’m just checking, you know he’s going to be fine right? he’s so excited I think you’ll have to drag him out.”
“yeah, I can tell.” that leaves jaesun standing in the bathroom and regretting letting an overly excited jinyoung try to start his own bath. because there stands his son, soaked and water all over the floor and all jaesun can manage is, “he almost flooded the bathroom I’ll call you later.” and he hangs up to his mother’s cackles of laughter. typical.
“alright, let’s get you clean.”
when everything is decent and calm, they’re ready to go. jaesun checking the date a million times and jinyoung’s bag to make sure he has everything. most things were provided but he put snacks just in case and an emergency card just in case. an extra shirt, okay maybe he’s nervous. jinyoung on the other hand is ready to go, tugging on his father’s hand and insisting he knows where to go and jaesun wouldn’t deny it.
“we’re gonna be late.” he says for the fourth time and finally, finally jaesun grabs his keys and fastens their jackets one more time before they’re heading out the door.
they’re actually not going to be late, the museum isn’t too far by bus. the bus is spent trying to control his son’s excitement and enjoy it at the same time.
“appa what do you think we’re gonna do? i hope we play with paint! and colors! appa! we didn’t bring my crayons!”
“it’s alright jinyoungie they’re going to have everything there.” the widening of his son’s eyes is almost comical enough to snap a picture.
“everything everything?!”
“mostly.” because jinyoung’s getting close to that age where he can pick out the flaws in absolutes and jaesun doesn’t even want to open that conversation. for now he smiles and lets him bounce around in the seat beside him and talk to his heart’s content. he was a little tired but being next to his energy ball of a son wiped that away quicker than he thought.
they get there on-time, or well on time to arrive with other parents. jaesun doesn’t try to take notice of the fact that he’s the only father dropping off his kid, or how people stare at him because he is, in fact the only father dropping off his kid. instead he’s pulling jinyoung out of his jacket and trying not to feel so betrayed at how glad his son is to get to the room.
the kid’s room is set up pretty nicely, almost reminds him of a daycare room if it weren’t for all the supplies, cabinets and more space for artwork than nap-time and ABC’s. kids are already running around and surrounding the teacher, who jaesun has spoken to but is greeting the parents eagerly.
“jinyoungie right? are you excited?” her voice is sweet, the kind of sweet that’s made for kids and jaesun is relieved for the first time. he lets out a stress he didn’t think he’d been holding. he’s got a few memories of school art teachers and he so hoped this wasn’t some ex-artist roped into teaching kids they didn’t even like. she didn’t look the type, rosy cheeks and gentle smiles.
“yes noona! we’re gonna make stuff right? like paints and crayons and shrillism, i told dad we would do that but he told me we wouldn’t. i think we will right, noona do you know what shrillism is?” he half expects her to give him a look but she keeps smiling and nodding and jaesun is relieved she can handle jinyoung so well.
“mr. kwon, jinyoung can go run in with the kids, the assistants are getting them all ready.” it’s then that he realizes he’s still holding his son’s hand. so he ducks down quick, mostly out of embarrassment.
“appa I gotta goooooo.”
“okay, okay go have fun bud. you let oh noona know if anything is wrong okay and I’ll come get you. play nice and share and be good alright. i’ll pick you up later.”
“mhmmm promise! bye!” and he’s off and jaesun releases another stress he didn’t realize he had.
“mr. kwon?” he rises easier this time, laughing at his own stress and how easily his son runs off to join the group. she’s offering a smile like she knows and for some reason he smiles just as easy. “I take it it’s his first time away?”
“yeah he’s usually with me, and the daycare he went to was right next to my job, ran by a friend so he hasn’t been this far, and not for his long either. he starts school this year so, practice I guess.” he’s probably trying to rest his own nerves so he’s talking a lot. but he sees more kids running into the room and realizes she probably has things to do. “ah, call me if you need anything.”
“if you want, you can hang around the exhibit, that way you’re not that far from him. sometimes it helps the mothers.” jaesun nods, and lets her take back to greeting other parents but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t take her advice.
the first ten minutes are spent circling the entrance to the kid exhibit, and the next hour is him walking around the rest of the museum. no interest in art but every interest in being as close to his son as possible.
“thought you weren’t an art fan?” an hour and a half in he’s getting startled out his worries and meeting a familiar face. he doesn’t expect to see haeri, in fact he didn’t think he’d see her again. she’s dressed as casual as he thinks she could get, skinny jeans and sandals, a blazer and a white shirt. there’s not much of a smile on her face, just general curiosity. but it’s welcome, he’s smiling though it’s a little forced he can admit that. she probably wouldn’t notice and he doesn’t feel as bad.
“ ‘m not, just hanging around since jinyoung’s in class.” even saying it sounds weird. even not having his son on his hip feels weird. it must click to her because she looks down and sure enough there’s no jinyoung attached to his hip, he knows, he can feel it. jesus jaesun get a grip.
“it’s only 11, class doesn’t get out for another three or four hours doesn’t it?” he wants to shrug at that but instead his smile is a bit more sheepish. he feels caught, exposed and in a way he doesn’t really expect. like his mom airing gout his nerves without him really asking her too. and haeri isn’t trying to air out anything, just give facts.
“yeah i’m just, getting used to him being away, he starts school soon so.” and she’s not asking for anything either. probably didn’t need to hear anything that personal but it’s out and jaesun can’t change it. he smiles easier, the kind he does when he gets stuff out. “figured i’d walk around and try to get what my kid’s so crazy about.” and when he does that he speaks easier too. maybe she notices because she laughs at that. probably a little forced, a little uneasy. but it works.
“you’re not going to get it like that. gotta have an eye like your son.”
“you’re probably right, doesn’t hurt to try though. jinyoung’s always talking about things he likes in pictures and paintings and like kids can tell when you’re not fully in it and I wanna be in it enough to keep him going in it. even if he drops it and wastes my money.”
jaesun knows he’s reached that point his mother told him about, where all he talks about is his son. jinyoung this, jinyoung that and well he can’t be bothered. and if haeri is bothered, like most people they just give him awkward acknowledgements and excuse themselves. he’s got his self-loathing out so he can bear to be by himself anyway. instead, she’s nodding, humming as a response but nodding more.
“what kind of stuff does he like? jinyoung I mean?” jaesun’s caught off-guard and it shows but he’s polite, respond nonetheless.
“ummmmm, surrealism? paints and stuff?” now she’s scoffing, a familiar kind of aura taking over.
“you’ve got a lot to learn.”
so haeri shows him around. tells him the little things he can keep up with. gets his mind off his son being away from him for a bit.
“watercolor. oil and--------” they’ve taken a break, mainly because of the sound of his stomach growling and there being a cafe right next to the museum. also haeri explaining that he needed to increase the separation to get over his anxiety, or whatever that meant. so they’re out eating and she’s drilling him. “skrillex.”
“i’m positive you’re doing this on purpose and I swear, you’re going to get this sandwich shoved in your eye.” his face wrinkles at that, mid-bite and an expression he’s actually not too used to having. in fact it feels weird on his face but, an okay weird. like when jinyong asks him a question that can only come from the mind of a child. the kind of expression that only happens in small joys.
“that’s not nice I don’t think jinyoung would appreciate that.”
“jinyoung would appreciate a dad who can discuss the intricacies of art.”
“heol, yes mom.” the look is back, haeri’s quick curiosity that he’s gotten to know a lot of recently and for a moment it puzzles him. like he knows where it’s going but doesn’t want to open it.
“you’re american?” once again jaesun lets out a relief, small and full of the bite he takes of his sandwich. leave it to him to get a sandwich jinyoung would prefer rather than his own tastes. maybe it’s the same thing who knows.
“yeah, I was born in the states but my mom moved there from here. jinyoung was born there but I moved here with him a little over a year and a half ago?”
“and you work at a gym?”
“yeah I--- I train there but I give lessons to the kids.”
“train like mixed martial arts?”
“boxing really. not much of an mma guy really.” she nods at that, sipping from a coffee he couldn’t remember the name of. jaesun’s sure that he’s so used to talking about jinyoung that he’s never got around to himself, it’s why it’s a little awkward. he’s also so busy with jinyoung that he’s not used to talking with others. but he tries. “and you? with art I mean?”
“mmmm, my mom put me in classes. not that I hated it or anything, I just happened to be good at it and like the classes at the same time. the better I got the less time I had to spend in other classes and let me tell you there were a lot.” it works out pretty easy, haeri looks relaxed and jaesun comfortable as long as people around him are. he’s lost his appetite as it makes him think of jinyoung too much but listening to her helps. so he puts the sandwich down and gives her all his attention.
“so the exhibition the other day?”
“mine. I’ve been doing it for a while so exhibitions aren’t a big deal. it was more of an auction for pieces I wasn’t too attached to.”
“so your medium is paint?”
“someone’s been paying attention. i’m pretty versatile, gotta be in this day and age but yeah most of those were paint pieces.”
“that’s crazy. i mean, i don’t have much of an artistic bone so I really don’t know where jinyoung gets it from but, having exhibitions is a big thing I’m assuming so yeah that’s dope.” he’s almost one hundred percent sure that once jinyoung gets word of this he’ll be asking to put exhibitions all over the house. jaesun’s not sure if he’s dreading it or excited.
“you get this interesting look on your face.” that breaks him out the stupor, gives her back her attention and this awkward quirk of his brow. tot hat haeri just laughs, leaning forward to make her point known. “i’m sure it’s when you’re thinking of jinyoung because it’s a hard mix of immeasurable stress and overwhelming love. it’s also really damn funny looking.” and she’s right, she knows just how right she is but jaesun doesn’t feel embarrassment as much as he’s laughing because look at how fast he turned into his mother. he’s not too concerned about the fact that he’s so easy to read but more excited that people can see that love. maybe it’s just haeri, maybe she’s just that observant. maybe jinyoung sees it too. the love anyway.
jaesun hopes he does.
“you’re doing it again, it’s like you want the photographers to jump out the bushes. they’ll call it, the love of a father.” jaesun feels that scrunch again, the awkward one he’s not used to, but he feels it easier and doesn’t bother stopping it.
“that’s a lame title.”
“that’s a working title.”
“would you buy the art piece titled a father in love?”
“ew no.”
“i’m - offended?”
“i’m not sorry?”
and everything is easy. being away from jinyoung, knowing jinyoung is possibly probably in good hands.
until his phone rings.
“mr. kwon--” jaesun hears all too familiar cries in the background and is out his seat.
“i’m on my way.”
jaesun started this day with maybe too many regrets for it to go smoothly, or well for his anxiety to smooth over. rather it simmered under, waited for the right moment to tell him it was right.
that maybe jinyoung wasn’t ready for this, that maybe he wasn’t it. that he really didn’t know who he was leaving his kid with or that he didn’t do a good enough job preparing jinyoung for this. that he smothers jinyoung too much, has him at the hip with his hands shackled. he doesn’t know if he regrets the class or not being prepared. if he regrets jumping from the cafe table abruptly and barely getting a word out to haeri. if he regrets not staying closer.
but jinyoung’s hands are tight in his shirt and he doesn’t regret staying so close by. for the most part the cries are muffled now, the hiccuping is all that remains. hiccuping and sniffles and that, that’s what jaesun can handle.
it took all of him to handle jinyoung running past the teachers and clinging to him. jaesun’s waiting for an explanation, hands close in his son’s shirt, grounding both of them for the moment. he’s not angry like he thought he’d be, just confused, focused on soothing his son and getting answers later.
“he had finished his painting and when we said we’d put them up he said he wanted to show you and----” and jaesun gets it instantly. gets why his son must’ve been confused, looking around and wondering why his father who always puts up his pictures wasn’t around. why he couldn’t call for jaesun and have him at his side in an instant like usual. he gets it. doesn’t make it easier but he gets it.
“i understand, i’m---”
“don’t apologize, it happens with all the new students. i’ll let you talk to him, and you can decide if you’d like to take him home for the day.” jaesun can only nod at that, returning his attention to jinyoung who’s face hasn’t left his shirt, hands not loosening.
“hey bud.” jaesun’s voice is better than earlier, it’s been a while since he’s seen jinyoung cry like this so having him wailing and running to his arms nearly broke him. he’s better now, rubbing his son’s back and scooting back to wipe his face. “hey, kiddo stop crying i’m here.” that doesn’t seem to work, almost reminding jinyoung that he wasn’t and jaesun nearly panics. “hey hey didn’t you have something to show me you’re going to crumple it. lemme see.” that works because jinyoung controls his sniffles, loosening his grip to hold out the drawing.
“oh bud you used paint! I think your teacher told me you guys did something today, what is it called uhhhhhhhh washer colors?” that gets jinyoung’s attention because he’s wiping his nose and shaking his head. cheeks puffy but eyes indignant. only his child.
“no appa, it’s watrercolors!” jaesun can tell when he’s getting somewhere so he tilts his head, mock confusion all over his face.
“hotter colors? like pink?”
“no watrercolors!” now jinyoung’s face is puffy by intention and jaesun looks at the drawing clearly this time.
“ohhhhhh watercolor." blues pinks and greens that he knows his son is fond of. it probably counts as abstract but those are details. the fact is that it’s jinyoung’s first work in class and jaesun is proud. “it looks great bud. but you know, you could’ve shown me after class.”
“noona said we were putting them up b-but I wanna give them to appa. but appa wasn’t there.” the tears start rolling again. jaesun just holds him firm and smiles as best he can.
“bud I told you I’d be back later right?”
“but appa’s always here.” this probably isn’t a war he’s going to win right now. and that’s okay. jaesun holds onto the drawing and wipes his son’s face once more.
“i’m here now. do you want to go back home? you’ll miss the rest of class." jinyoung seems to be contemplating it and jaesun thinks that if they have to try this again they will. though it’ll take a lot more for him to let his son out his sight again.
“jinyoungie, don’t you want to make another watercolor for your dad.” she’s coaxing him gently, and jaesun for the life of him didn’t notice her standing by the door. jinyoung, for the first time in a while is less vocal than jaesun remembers. but he nods and that’s good enough. “come on we’ll make some more.”
“can appa come?”
“i’ll be right out here bud.”
“you can come in if you want.” but jaesun knows, knows it’ll be no different than being at the gym. so he smiles and ruffles his son’s hair.
“i’ll be right here, you can run out and show me everything as soon as noona gives you the okay alright?”
“then we can put them up?”
“mhmmm.”
“then ice cream.”
“if you’re good next week ice cream.” that seems like a good enough deal because jinyoung hugs jaesun one last time before taking mrs. oh’s hand and returning into the classroom.
jaesun, lets out the last bit of stress he’s held onto. he doesn’t leave the entrance and stays by the window. he’s not too occupied with thoughts, or rather he doesn’t want to be but haeri still manages to startle him.
“everything okay?” he’s not sure yet if he’s nodding more for himself or to answer her question.
“yeah, well it will be. it’ll take some time.” saying it makes it work so he’s sure it’s a bit of both.
“you look, relaxed.” and maybe it’s the blatant lie that has him laughing easy enough for it to appear true. he shrugs after, head hitting the back of the wall.
“yeah I feel great.”
“it’s normal you know, like the whole class thing is never easy for kids.”
“yeah.”
“but?” and honestly jaesun didn’t think he was this easy to read.
“it’s as hard for the parents too right? that’s normal?”
“you’re the parent.” haeri scoffs that out first. “it’s a feeling for him as much as it is for you so yeah I would assume it’s normal.” she shrugs next, a shrug that almost hits his shoulder. “don’t overthink it.” the phrase hits better though. has him nodding, understanding better than he though.
if they don’t talk much after it’s okay and if she’s gone by the time class is over he doesn’t notice with jinyoung running out to hug him, ready to talk all about his new drawings and show them all off. jaesun might have started this day with too many regrets, and it may have messed with him a bit, but one thing he knows is he doesn’t regret this day and getting the final smile on jinyoung’s face.
“ready to go home kiddo?”
“yeah, we’re coming next week right appa?”
“sure thing.”
"Okay sooooooo, coach says you need actual food so I'm guessing ramen all day everyday is not gonna cut it."
'Mmmm.'
"And I'm not cooking everyday so we're gonna have to get stuff that still tastes good warmed up but I can make in large quantities."
'Mhmm.'
"And I'm gonna wear just an apron butt naked around the apartment all day."
'Mhm.'
"Jaesun!"
The sound alone snaps him out of, whatever he's in, body jerking and his elbow sliding into the basket of the cart. The slide and the force of his palm hitting him in the face is enough to wake him up. It must be enough for Haeri because the scowl is gone and replaced by laughter, enough to have the entire store looking at them.
"Sorry." He's saying it to the customers first and then to Haeri, deciding to avoid any more stares he'll keep it in Japanese. It's only when he faces her that he lowers his tone and his head and apologizes in Korean, hands rubbed together for sincerity.
'I don't have to be here but someone was being a baby so here I am and you're not even listening to me.'
"I know I know I'm sorry, I'm so tired."
'So we need energy food.'
"Energy food that isn't just carbs because I can't move up in weight coach will decimate me."
'Eh you'll just work twice as hard to work it off.'
"Who's side are you on?"
'I just don't want you falling asleep in the ring and getting the shit knocked out of you so, I'm gonna have to say your coach.'
Jaesun groans but it's not exactly a topic he can argue, instead he leans further against the cart and continues down the aisle. Food funds are typically the highest budget theyre given, despite the budget for foreign players being pretty low anyway, the cart fills up and Jaesun doesn't register with what until he realizes they haven't left the aisle.
'These are all,'
"For me yes did you think I wasn't going to get snacks Jaesun please."
He just shrugs and leans back on the cart, letting her stick a stick of pocky in his mouth like ed protest. Instead he just chews and walks and chews and walks. Some of the sleep starts to wear off but most of the time is Haeri asking about preferences and food decisions. For some she gets a full response and for others she just gets a shake of the head or a nod. When he's too tired to respond, when his head lolls down and she's repeated the question three times it occurrs to him how much thought she's putting into this.
Usually, Haeri is quick to drop things that don't have much to do with her. And even if they involve Jaesun if he's not cooperative there's no real reason to pursue until he is. She spends enough time at the gym to know training regimens and techniques but not the science behind what he does. She’ll see him drinking what she calls weird shakes in the morning or skipping on meals or doubling. But those are the weeks that go by the quickest and she usually doesn't ask him. Even though he wouldn't mind explaining.
So for her to actual tag along during an intensive week before qualifiers, its new. Coach granted her permission only after having them agree that training came first in all aspects. So now she was being conscious, extremely conscious.
Normally she'd throw anything in the cart and tell him it's punishment for not paying attention. But he looks over and sees she's carefully reading the facts on the box, and looking up extra facts on her phone at the same time. Her face is pulled into a kind of concentration she only gets with new things and it makes Jaesun’s heart leap out his chest.
"Get the regular one of those,” he’s rubbing the fatigue out his face as he speaks, “the grain in whole grain makes me gag. And the oil is fine if it's in stir fry coach doesn't mind frozen or fresh vegetables but he does mind the type of meat. He usually sticks to chicken rather than beef or pork when I’m not packing or anything."
It must startle her because she jumps a bit but then her nose scrunches and she's shoving the suggestions in the cart one by one. He doesn't miss the grumbling about how he should've answered earlier to save time but he smiles anyway. Smiles and leans more comfortably against the cart. She eyes the meat he’s packing into the cart and her gaze narrows so quick it has him pausing. Pausing with one more pack of chicken breast in his hand.
“You can’t eat stir fry the entire time Jaesun.”
“Stir fry and ramyun.”
“You----” He sees her lift a ramyun package and he flinches only to see her toss it back in the cart.
“You can’t eat ramyun the entire time.”
“Says you.”
“I’m not fighting, you are.” And touche so he leaves it at four packs and lets her add the remaining preserves. He tries leveling her with a pout but knowing that she can’t possibly be versed in his pouts because they’re so rarely seen. He holds it low, low enough that every time she turns to put something in the cart she sees it. But she holds and it has Jaesun ready to either break it or wobble his lips.
“Listen, your coach allowed me to stay with you guys I’m not going to get on his bad side by indulging you he’s never going to let me come along and not that I’d listen to him but - stop pouting! Jaesun for god’s sake -”
She isn’t versed in his pouts but she is versed in getting him to stop. The tone has him scrunching his nose up instead, reacting much like a pup that’s been scolded. If Jo were here she’d probably make the analogy.
She wouldn’t be wrong. He sighs instead and raises both hands in surrender. He gets her concern and he also gets that this is a rare opportunity, coach letting her come with them to Japan took a lot of convincing and extra hours. Yeah they could’ve snuck her over but the stress is not something they’d want to deal with. So, she’s here and he’s ecstatic, despite all the rules.
“Rice with some side dishes will work just fine.” He’s stretching out over the cart.
“But-”
“Mmmmm lets go home, we have a few more hours til lights out and I have to be up early tomorrow.” Moving to wrap his arms around her waist.
“Jaesun-”
“Movie marathons and snacks.” Whispering possibilities into her ear, lips dangerously close to her ear.
“Jase-”
“And and and----” Squeezing at the dip in her waist to get his last point across. “Hugs and kisses and stuff.”
“I’m gonna murder you oh my god we’re in public I’m so gonna murder you.”
It’s working though because they’re already to the register, his arm snug around her waist and anticipation in his eyes. He’s not letting go, something about the fact that they don’t have to sneak around making him giddy. Something about Haeri being so dedicated to the time they have together, and well the sight of Haeri just packing things into the cart, for them to go back to the apartment. It’s all domestic and reminiscent of home. Her carrying home wherever they go, and it has him antsy. Has his heart bursting and hands needing to hold.
The cashier picks up on it, on that and all the squirming Haeri does while trying to put the food on the belt.
“Ah,” the cashier begins when he holds out his card, “Young love is always so frisky nowadays. She’s a petite little one I hope you’re being easy on her young man. Did you guys pack condoms?” He pales, pauses when he remembers he’s not the only one that knows Japanese.
“Yeah Jaesun are you going easy on me? Ah you won’t believe the things he’s been whispering in my ear. He won’t let me rest auntie.” And Jaesun, Jaesun wants to fight this battle. Wants to say something about how her face is the color of the woman’s apron, or how Haeri had been leaning into him the entire time he was whispering in her ear. But once again, and like always he remains like a kicked puppy, burying his face in her neck and his words as well.
He does, get a nip to the small of her neck, that has her shrieking and him flying away to grab the bags before she grabs him.
“What is it about Japan that gets you like this I swear to go---- ” That’s drowned out with him yelling goodbye to the smiling cashier and her waving them off with a laugh.
“Just happy you’re here is all.” He can’t really hold her close because he’s got hands full of bags but he’s cheeky and smiling on the way to the team van. He doesn’t exactly hear her whisper ‘me too’ back but he sees it when she helps load the bags in and doesn’t squirm off when he starts to doze on her shoulder on the ride back.
Fatigue slips back in and he’s happy Haeri always carries home with her.
kkt ( yeah this family comes with its perks and pumpkins surprise! ) kkt ( doing anything for christmas? because .. take a guess, it's red and goes ohoho! ) kkt ( stop using my smiley you idiot, of course you're handsome, as if i'd be stuck here with you if you weren't, i am definitely too shallow for that 😏😏😏 ) kkt ( so mom is asking if it's confirmed or not i said yes you can't back out now, it'll be bad for your resume. ) kkt ( do i get to have some of the treats? )
// @silverining
kkt to // 👑💕
it almost seems weird to bake a pumpkin pie this year so I think I’ll pass, how does cherry sound?
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, you cannot have me be santa, haeri i can’t please not a santa costume. spare me a little more than a santa costume.
that’s twice in one day! you’re bribing me even though i already said yes, flattery will get you everywhere. 😏😏😏😏
anw yeah tell your mom i’ll be there, i need all the bonus points I can get.
mom won’t let me live it down though. she’s already said for every christmas my future kid has i’m going to be santa so
kkt ( ....... ) kkt ( ... babe. 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 you'd make a very greatly handsome pumpkin and i have the costume ready and i was going to match it up with mine and the kids at the orphanage were going to love you and mom was going to finally let you in through the front door to my room because i told her you were coming with me for the halloween charity dressed up as whatever the fuck these kids wanted and you are not leaving me alone in hell at halloween i will haunt you in a very evil way! )
// @silverining
kkt to // 👑💕
........................
we’re going to be matching pumpkins?
..........at your mother’s halloween charity?
did you just call me handsome? i can’t believe you’re only using it because you want me to be your pumpkin in crime, pumpkin. 😊😊😊
but yeah sure I’ll do it, but you’re helping me take the juniors at the gym trick or treating right? because somehow I got roped into taking them.
kkt ( well you know 🙄 ) kkt ( someone was being a literal baby and wouldn't drop the diaper restraint little evil creatures appellation topic 😊😊😊😊 ) kkt ( whoever made it a pet name i need to meet them face to face 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 ) kkt ( anyway ... murderous smiling intent aside you're lucky i'd want to kill you then kill myself more than kiss you if i were to get you an actual baby costume so it's not that however the hint was def in the emojis! )
// @silverining
kkt to // 👑💕
‘diaper restraint little evil creatures appellation topic’ 😪😪😪😪😪😪😪
couldn’t just use the word could you?
i’ve gone a decent amount of time without saying it but after seeing those emojis i don’t think i want to say it again,,,,,,,,ever
nice to know you’d rather kill me than kiss me under this context though, that’s a win. any instances where you’d rather kiss me than kill me? 😁😁😁
i’m not gonna be a pumpkin for halloween. and i’m not going to be a ghost, gotta show this handsome face off at least a little.
the first thing jaesun realizes is, he’s cold. he’s freezing. and it’s so immediate and so contrasting that it has him searching before he thinks about sitting up. it has him filtering around his bed for the sheets and he lands on a couple things. a shoulder, an arm, he lets his memory kick in before he goes any lower and he can feel his face heat up. he doesn’t really freeze but he keeps moving, reaching over to pull the covers over and over and his shorts up and over until he’s sure he can look over.
when he does, he’s aware of something else.
he’s in love.
and jesus it’s not supposed to come like this, it’s not some post-coital lust-driven declaration because it’s come to him several times before. it’s love like a moment-capture kind of thing. love like, him saying he’s in love when haeri brings him food after practice. love like when she’s laughing so hard her hands hit his side but she doesn’t push him off. love like the feeling of her against him all night and all morning. love like the look on her face, love and so full of it he suddenly doesn’t feel so cold anymore.
he just feels it.
it’s the kind of love where he looks at her and he smiles silly. where he knows he’s in love with more than the act. he’s in love with the small pink on her cheeks, on how her lips part sometimes in her sleep. in how those lips can breathe fire and be fire all in one. in how she sleeps, pulling against everything and pulling him towards her.
everything, like a collection of memory not quite ready to stow away, which is good because he’s not too ready to relinquish them. just as he’s not too ready to let go of the feeling of her in his arms, but she’s sound asleep and he’s not going to risk disturbing her. so he sits up instead, lets the sheets cover what they can and his mind fill in the blanks. like spaces between her shoulder and her arm. like outlines of her body and clothes over on the nightstand.
because it’s all there and well, he’s not going to not think about it. think about the night and how everything just, happened. how it didn’t explode really but like everything with them it was gradual. it was weeks of not seeing her, it was hot summer days and summer dresses. it was tension in all forms until it become tangible and only lips could ease it. lips everywhere and on everything.
except thinking about it makes his face heat up again, from his neck to his ears and he’s so glad, she’s asleep, so so
“you’re staring.” fucking wrong. of course she’s awake, of course. they operate on the same time-switch. they try to match too well, because mornings when he’s up she’s asleep and when he’s asleep she’s leaving. they want to catch each other so much their bodies try to push them towards it. that’s how jaesun sees it. it’s a little like fate if he thinks of it that way. it’s also fate that she makes a move to throw the pillow his way and all he hears is a squeak and all he sees is a flash of white again. haeri’s buried deeper in the sheets than he thought possible and jaesun, jaesun doesn’t laugh because he’s smarter than that. he does smile though, a little smug, a little too lop-sided like he’s stopping himself from saying what he wants.
“cold?”
“i hate you.”
not exactly the words he expects to hear. but it’s mumbled and it’s got that little knack to it that lets him know. under all those covers she’s smiling and holding back all the things that make her legs squirm to the bottom of the covers. so jaesun does the only thing he can, leans over and wraps her arms around the big bundle that is his girlfriend. one, because he’s only got on boxers so he’s cold as hell, two, because his girlfriend's stealing all the covers and three, she’s so damn cute.
“i love you.”
“off off off, it’s too hot oh my god. off off get off this is my space get off!”
“one, it’s literally my sheet, my bed -”
“what's yours is mine by default since I clean half of it.”
“might wanna let me clean these sheets though.”
“JAESUN!” at that she shrieks, practically throws the sheets off her and then grabs them back when what he assumes is cold air attacking her. he’s not going to laugh, nope he’s not. he’s holding it in pretty damn well, as he searches around the bed floor and finally finds his shirt. he holds it high enough for her to see over the sheet fort she’s put between them. when she snatches it and hides under the sheets again he lets out a small chuckle. one of love more than teasing. one he can’t help.
“love you.”
“yeah yeah i heard you, ever consider that’s not something you wanna say after -” her head finally pops up, sheets still covering from the chin down. he’s leaning on the bed now, further down by the edge and with his elbow deep in the mattress. he raises a brow when she stops and this - this is probably where he should keep himself in check. but her cheeks start turning red and jaesun, jaesun can’t help it.
“after?”
“after, stuff.” she tries to make her word firm but he can hear it retreat back and god it’d be so embarrassing if it wasn’t so cute.
“what-”
“if you ask me what stuff i’m kicking you off this bed.”
he relents.
“you, have a lot of energy this morning."
“you, had a lot of energy last night.” haeri deadpans. holds him in place with the statement. maybe because she doesn’t realize it’s not as effective as a comeback this time. and jesus everything about this is embarrassing but she’s being so lovable and jaesun is torn.
“you can’t be this cute. seriously, it’s going to be a problem if you’re always this cute after hmm------- stuff?”
“sex let’s call it what it is because saying stuff makes it sound sketchy and we’re not sketchy.” that much tumbles out and jaesun just shrugs at that, nodding along. it’s quiet for a few moments after. he doesn’t move much and she’s still fidgeting with the sheets, it’s lower now though, lowered to her lap. all he sees now is the rugged print of his t-shirt, some band that he listened to when he worked out. an old promo thing, that looks like a promise kind of thing when she wears it the way she does. when he sees small, very small hints of red by the collarbone. he can smile now because he’ll be hearing it later. his hands remain by him, not by his side because they’re skimming the outline where her legs are. haeri wiggles and if she kicks it’s playfully. has him wanting to throw himself up and over her.
so he does. he’s met with little resistance at first, because he’s planting kisses everywhere. everywhere they started and everywhere they mapped. up and down and up and down and everywhere he remembers. he’s careful over the red, smiling against the skin and the laughter out her lips. he’s light with each touch, even light as he hover over her, just how her laughter is and her hits against his chest are.
“stooooop i told you it’s hot.”
“move the sheets.”
“no.”
and jaesun, despite it all is still careful with his hands. still only lets them skim surfaces and above borders like he hadn’t passed over the night before. he skims and instead focuses on her waist, her neck and burying his nose there.
“then i’m not moving.”
“jaesuuuuuuunnnnn.”
“haaaaeeerrrrriiiiiiiiii.”
“it tickles.”
“oops?”
he maneuvers until he’s over her completely, still hovering but his body directly above hers, hands planted by her sides. they stay like that for a few more minutes, with him placing, one, two, three kisses against her lips. quick and with no other purpose but to feel and do. because they can. because he wants to do it for as long as he can. when they turn a little longer, a little more open and a little pulling, she pulls back, hands on his chest. he tries to read things well, despite being a little dazed, so he holds his forehead against hers. he knows when she’s got this look like she wants to speak and he sees her teeth bite into her lip.
“listen,” he tries to shake off a lot of things, everything really. focus on her in his arms and beneath him. when haeri’s eyes meet his, breath gets knocked out. she looks serious so she braces himself. “i’m sore.” it’s the same as before, firm but with the muffle towards the end. with her eyes trying to hold his but darting at the end. “i’m sore and you should take responsibility for it because it’s really your fault.” jaesun’s smart, so he knows exactly what he should and shouldn’t do right now. he shouldn’t open his mouth and comment on any of the events from the night before. any of the encouragement or those heat of the moment things, he should nod ( which he does ) and let his hands release.
he hadn’t even realized they were sneaking up her shirt or how flushed she looked until now.
“anything you want.” he says that with a quick kiss to her cheek.
“sweeeeeeeeet, all of it sweet.” when he turns to get off the bed he hears what sounds like haeri stretching. he doesn’t dare look.
“chocolate sauce or chocolate chips?”
“both.”
“powdered sugar or whipped cream?”
“both.” he’s up and grabbing his phone. midway through the door he hears it, “i love yooouuuu.”
he smiles at that, making his way to the kitchen with a new task in mind.
I don’t want to know what it’s like and probably not why you did it, i just wanna know, how you could go into her life and destroy her. who could ever dream, of having a love that almost kills. how could you? to someone you love? how did you look her in the eye? i can’t say how come you came into her life because you gave me her but how come you had to be you? and how come this you won’t get out my head?
About names, possession and everything I have ever admitted to anyone:
all i really own is this body. heart and all. soul and all. don’t know much about possession, just know it’s possible to own my heart and also be okay with not owning all of it. knowing that it’s possible to think i own my body and it to own me. most people know this about me, she knows, they know, mom knows. it’s not a secret anymore that i’m learning about what’s really mine and what i can share. it’s not so long ago that i discovered vulnerability as freedom.
Orders To angels:
be kind to mom. maybe, be kind to him too. maybe you weren’t there for him, maybe you weren’t really there for her and put me instead. maybe that’s why it was me and her for so long, maybe she was mine and i was hers. i can’t ask you why you weren’t there for us but i can thank you because of what we are now, and i’ll love and protect her in your stead.
Words to death:
i’d rather not talk to you anymore.
To her:
thank you for teaching me. for loving me, ah - i say it like it’s over or something I don’t mean it like that. i mean in like, thanks for loving me up until this very moment. thanks for all the love you’ve given me and all the love that i hope you will in the future. i’m cheesy enough without the need to be right? i’m still surprised after all this time, still confused, still lost, still a little silly and childish, still working things out and working through this. not just us but me and i didn’t think someone could watch me work through and mess up and still stick around. not that i didn’t think about love, i didn’t think of it as a present thing, as a girl outside a chicken shop. i thought of it as a deserving thing, as i wasn’t really deserving of what it could give but we were both a little messy back then and if we can work through that then we work through everything. i love you and you know this and i can’t say it enough but i’ll say it for all eternities i have, and all moments we share. you are, a love i never imagined, and will always want.
Thanks to the body:
endure and I will take care. endure and I will try. i am sorry for making you endure too much and i am happy you’ve stuck with me. i am happy we are better, i am happy to know you better. i’m sorry but i’m thankful. i need you and you need me and you need to know. you can be gentle and you can get gentle and receive it and know it and well, we’ve got someone to thank right?
