Everything feels wrong.
Everything i think.
Everything i do.
I dont know whats going on.
I have no thoughts, no reason to feel pain.
But i do, i feel terrible.
I feel like im beeing choked, with no means to escaping.
Like im drowning in the ocean.
I am free yet i feel shackled.
Is if the fear of something new?
Is it the feeling of incompetence growing inside me?
Everything feels fake and real at the same time.
How exactly does my brain work, i thought i knew - yet i sit here not understanding anything.
Do the people in my life care?
Yes
Who cares? Who doesnt?
Do they need me?
Am i wanted in this world?
I think i know the answer but i cannot be sure.
I am never sure.
Why am i never sure?
Is it because i have been betrayed and broken multiple times?
Maybe
But the people here dont have means to break me do they?
Maybe
What about myself?
Why cant i be happy?
I am worthless
But why? Why do i think that?
I was told by a bunch of people.
But why do i choose to believe it?
It doesnt even make sense no?
I do know what i am good at
Or rather i think i am, because everytime i try to do something which i am good at i realize i am not good at it.
Or am i just to strict with myself?
I dont need to do everything perfectly do I?
Why do i want to do everything perfectly?
Because I am scared to lose everything again, because i could do mistakes, I need to be perfect for people to like me.
But thats stupid no? I should know the people dont expect me to do everything right. Its not like they dont have problems, they do know that people make mistakes they tell me all the time?
But i cant make mistakes, everytime i do everybody leaves.
What exactly is my plan in life?
I have a vision of what i want to be, yet i dont do anything to pursue it.
I let myself down constantly, but why?
Because you hate yourself
No I dont, or do I?
Part of me does
But why? Again Im just asking why?
I just said why. People told me that i am worthless, ugly, unlovable etc.
Its my choice to believe it.
No it isnt. You will believe it. You will think about it.
Why exactly am i still alive? I chose to live for the people around me right?
Yes i did.
So why do i not believe in them right now?
Why do i feel lonely even though i am not?
Why do i feel like im stranded in nothingness?
Why does everybody else manage to move on but not me?
I dont know.
You do know dont you? Because youre garbage
Youre supposed to suffer. Because of what youve done.
Why exactly do i feel like this today? I still dont see a reason?
I just dont know whats going on, even a few weeks ago when it was the same i at least knew, or thought i knew, what was going on?
Why not know?
What is different?
Nothing is different.
So why am i like this now?
Am i scared?
Yes
Do i have reason to be scared?
No
Of course you do! You will fuck everything up!
Am i sad?
Yes
Do i have reason to be sad?
No
Of course you do! You are garbage after all!
Do i feel lonely?
Yes
Do i have reason to feel lonely?
No
Of course you do! Nobody loves you anyways!
I just hope that Ill get answers some of these days. I need to know whats going on, it needs to stop, the timing is way to bad, i need to function, i need to get myself under control, ive been unstable for way to long, i need to fix this, i need to do something, i dont know what but i need to do something, something needs to change does it? I dont know but maybe ill find the answer.
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