Wow, it’s been years since I’ve posted on here. Compared to my last post, things have DEFINITELY changed. I’m sincerely over the guy I’ve been talking about down there. I’m technically ignoring him now actually because things happened and made me reminicse about how he had taken advantage of me during my whole junior year of high school and realized he shouldn’t have the privelege to talk to me after everything he has done and has still not apologized for anything that he did. As of now, he still hasn’t apologized. But I’ve totally cut him out of my life for now and am absolutely over him. So enough about him. Onto other subjects that I want to vent about.
So lately, I’ve become lonely. Actually, I’ve been lonely for a while when it comes to my love life, but recently it’s hit me real hard. I’ve been watching these really corny and romantic shows that make you dream of a fictitious love life to happen in real life. Well this is what happened to me. I fell in love with a fictitious life. In the show, there is loveteam that appears together constantly in several TV shows and movies. I’ve always shipped them because they look perfect for each other. 2 years into their friendship, they’ve stressed that they were only friends. But just recently, they DTR and are finally together because he eventually fell in love with her. I ship them a lot but now I look at them, and then I think about my love life. It’s depressing because it’s been 6 years since I’ve been in a relationship/went on a date with someone. After my ex, I’ve been having trust issues with being with guys and overthink the type of personality the guys have. I get scared of them not respecting me or taking advantage of me or even just wanting sex instead of a relationship. That’s not what I want. I’m a hopeless romantic. I expect too much. I’m guilty of looking at physical appearance first over personality. It’s all keeping me from having a relationship with someone. I’m a very, very insecure person. I don’t think I’m pretty or beautiful. My friends tell me it all the time, but I don’t believe them because it’s their job as a friend. You wouldn’t hear a friend say you’re ugly (Most of the time). They usually compliment you. But it really isn’t so special to me honestly. It’s only special if someone I don’t know says it to me because they’re a random person. They don’t know me. They don’t have an obligation to say it to me. If they say it to me, then that’s when I’ll believe it or just say thank you but smile inside. I also get insecure when my friend always says that she gets asked to go out with a certain person. She has a boyfriend though, so she definitely can’t, but the fact that she does get asked out by someone random makes me insecure because of the 4 years I’ve been in college, NO ONE has done that for me. It gets to you, you know. You start thinking that you’re not pretty enough, you’re not good enough, you’re just not enough for someone. It’s really difficult to cope with. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not that depressed that I need to see a therapist. It hasn’t become a big problem. The only problem is that this is the only place where I can vent these feelings to without people knowing who it is they’re reading about. If I tell any of my friends, I would feel embarrassed. Don’t get me wrong, I tell my best friend almost everything, but this is just something I’d be too embarrassed to say to her. I’m getting really lonely. It’s been way too long since I’ve been in a relationship. If I can’t have one, I would rather pursue my dream to travel. I’m hungry for it now that I feel lonely. I want to travel because it will help take my mind off of things. Thing is, I have to concentrate on school and graduating first before I can think of anything like that. Honestly, if I had to pick, I’m hoping I get the latter. But anyways, that’s my rant. No one will probably see this, but I just needed to get my feelings out somehow.
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