Twist

I’m just really fucking depressed.

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I just don’t feel okay. I can’t tell you what triggered me because I don’t even know. I’m just not okay. I feel so empty, usually it feels like home but today not so much.

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Why do I care? In your eyes I’m not a person I’m an object. You don’t care about me, you don’t want me, you don’t even think about me unless you want something. I wish you would stop asking me how I’m doing, I wish you’d stop pretending you care about me.

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I’m anxious, I wish I could’ve changed how everything went, I would’ve shut my mouth sooner. I couldn’t help myself my words were coming off like rapid fire and I’m not sure how to explain to you that it wasn’t me it was the drugs. I’m not sure it’ll really make a difference to you, I’m assuming you won’t care for me much either way. I wish I could talk to you but you didn’t pick up the first time I called so why would you pick up now?

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I need to be more heartless and not care so much.

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I feel like you hate me, dislike me, or find me nauseating. All three sucks, but I’ll never know the truth because I’m too much of a pussy to ask. I need to separate myself from my feelings and relax. It’s only awkward if I make it awkward, right? If I act normally then nothing changes. But why am I still drawn to overthinking about things. Did I act too over sensitive? Did I open my mouth too much in the wrong ways? Did I say something unlikeable? Or is it just because somethings already been done that I’m of no interest anymore.

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My greatest affliction is waking up to my anxiety suffocating me. Unable to breath, Unable to move, the panic begins to set in. What have I done in order to cause this?

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I understand now, you’ve been having dreams I cheat on you so the first thing you throw down in an argument is to break up. I don’t think I deserve your misplaced insecurities to be thrown in my face and for you to say sorry to me later like it makes everything feel better. If you’re not happy then leave, don’t make me feel like I’m not good enough when I haven’t done anything wrong. You need to realize this effects me as much as it effects you. I’ll spend too much time daydreaming about all the things wrong with me. Too much time thinking about all the things you dislike about me, the things I dislike about myself, things others dislike about me. I also feel guilt, are you here because you want to be or because there’s nothing else you can leave me for? Why do you stay if you don’t like me? Why do you lie to me and say you don’t?

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I feel like I’m sharing the bed with a stranger. When you talk I feel the resentment in your voice. I’m scared to ask what’s wrong only because I’m scared it’s me. You barley touch me, when I try to give you affection you pull away. There are moments where you do enjoy me and I can feel your love, but you’ve been non-responsive lately.  I tried to kiss you and you laid there like a dead fish. I’m scared I’m becoming unwanted by you. I’m probably just overreacting, you’ve told me before. It’s probably the stress of life eating at you like it always does, I’m just scared you don’t love me anymore.

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I’m annoying, I’m irritating, I kill your vibe, I’m a liar, I’m selfish, I’m not the greatest person to talk to, I’m a problem, I’m an issue to you. I feel empty because of how often those words come up. I wish I could talk to you about it, but you’ll always turn the conversation to be about you. I never get to say what I actually want, there is a fire inside of me craving to burn bright but I don’t think it’ll ever get the chance. My self-doubt runs in me and what you say backs it up. My dreams are dead and pointless, nobody will ever care about what I have to say or what I’ll ever do.

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I feel like the toughest thing to ask yourself in a relationship is,” why don’t you love me anymore and when did you stop?”

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I wish trust came easier when it comes to you.

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You’re a different person around them. All the things you’ve told me no, you do with them. Is there something wrong with me?

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I can’t talk to you, if I do I’ll come off as selfish. I’d rather just lie to you and say everything’s fine when it isn’t.

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I wanted to go with you, that’s why I asked. When you responded,“Why?” I figured you didn’t want me to go at all.

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If I pretend I’m fine do you think they’ll believe me?

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I hate growing up, every year this day just hurts more and more. It’s like someone screaming in your face,” NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU. UNDERSTAND THAT.”, Hey at least I’m a year older. Happy Birthday, right?

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Just for a second I wish everything stopped hurting. Just for a second I wish I didn’t have to wake up to an invisible pain I never asked for. Just for a second I wish I was a better liar so I can believe myself when I say,” I’ll be okay.”