Who can I tell about missing you
I can’t lay this grief to rest anywhere, but I’m done burdening you
With my love, with my admiration, with my worries and my hopes
The doors to your temple shut on me
And I won’t desecrate what we once shared by forcing my way in
Instead I’ll wait outside the door, mere footsteps from your sanctuary
And I’ll tell passerby about the miracles I’ve seen and the mysterious goddess lurking within lacquered walls
Instead I’ll swallow longing and try to be thankful for memories of us
Conjure them from weed smoke and incense
And drink them in like medicine
For a heart sick with separation
This is the kind of hurt only a sister could heal
Much like we reach for our parents, I reach for you
For my big sister- my knight, my saint, my bard, my teacher, my friend and confidante
For the hands that held mine when they were small
And for the mind that knows mine better than any other soul
Who could I tell about the hole you left behind
And how nothing and no one can fill it
How no creature on this earth could walk in your shoes?
Who could I tell about you and your Saturday morning picnics
Of koolaid and elephant ears
Hot cinnamon sugar and the only pancakes I liked
Or about our dreams of freedom and travel and closeness
About our suicide pact and the number of times it’s kept us grounded here
Who could I possibly tell that would understand?
All I can do is reach, and toss pennies into wishing wells
Hope that one day you’ll turn your eyes back to me
Hope that I’ll still be a person when you find me again
That I don’t go wild
That I don’t turn into a monster
As I wait in your shadow
You are the star that predicates every closeness shared with other people
My first love, my first love lost-
The spark of warmth
that keeps my heart burning
It all comes back to you
