My Horror filled Head.

Life is too short to live someone else's.

[type-cute-url-here]

I have a lot going on in my head and I am trying to vent but I don't know how to, its like everything I've ever known or felt just flies out the window and someone else takes the wheel.

I'm angry most of the time, at the minute I'm not but lately I'm just nasty and vindictive and I don't mean to at all but I'm being a dick and it's not me.

I feel like shit most days, I pretend I'm okay but it lasts a few days before I'm ill again. I just worry about the strength of my relationship mainly now, going from being the first thing on their mind and the last waking up to casual conversations and eagerness to be away from me.

I need to know man

[type-cute-url-here]

I'm scared to think I've found that person I want my forever with, but am I their forever? It's horrifying not knowing whether this relationship or friendship or whatever is permanent.

[type-cute-url-here]

My brother is psychic and it is crazy, he predicted the Australian fires as "a tsunami of fire over the Sydney opera House with the three headed dog within the fire and clouds"

He's now just saw a large bridge in America which he thinks is the golden gate bridge, he sees a large giant of a man laughing with his hands around the high points shaking it and laughing. I see his visions how he does once he tells me, I see a bridge collapsing, killing hundreds and hurting hundreds, I see a bright day but black clouds of smoke from the destruction.

[type-cute-url-here]

I went there again last night, the place I dream about continuously. It has traits of the town I live in now but the air is slightly thicker, it's not the UK I've guessed but a warmer European country with warm nights. The houses are small, thick buildings made of cobblestone, heavy, dark window frames and some have white painted walls.

There's walls that are about 4ft tall and are made from thick rocks and stones and behind it are trees leading off to the town centre.

I always see the town centre as different versions in different dreams it's a long straight road with stalls and cafes going along it but it takes a sharp left at the bottom leading down a winding road. At the bottom of the long straight road there's the town which had a similar layout to Middleton Grange but it had 2 floors and led to a different memorial from WWII. I think it was a fountain of some kind amongst a chic type of. High street coming from the back exit of the shopping complex.

The floor is cobbles and thatched buildings turned into cafes and boutiques and such line this wonky little high street.

But I go back to the same place, a huge building that is somewhat of a mansion. Not to the degree where there are wings but to the point where upon entering this large white and grey mansion type building it contained a bar, restaurant, bistro and casino on the ground floor. Walking in the double doors there was a corridor leading to the bar.

I immediately clocked in and helped a party being held in the function room, this bar was an odd shape upstairs and was to the right hand side of the bar, a step down from the general dancefloor and tables.

There's also this house, I don't know if it's in the same Emmerdale-aesthetic village or not but its base is a thin, steep, mountainesque pile of rocks no higher than 18ft, red brick steps are lodged up it awkwardly with weeds and dandelions growing out of what looks like rubble and it's lined by a rickety white picket fence all the way down but it's missing planks from it.

At the top of this weird, Rahld Dahl looking structure is an extremely narrow flat but it's only the top flat, the bottom half of the building is just a massive basement. It looks like it's on every council estate, you walk up these mossy stone steps and cross the threshold of the door into a small square foyer so to speak.

There's a clothes dryer right behind the front door beneath a rectangular frosted glass window on the right wall and on the left there was an open doorway that led around into a dining room, there were large windows in the wall opposite and had thick, heavy dark curtains pulled open haphazardly and granny nets at the window, aged and darker from lack of cleaning.

There's an oval mahogany dining table and a matching wall unit on the wall as you walk into the room. Immediately next to the foyer archway there's a door leading into a tiny rectangle kitchen, the oven was beneath another frosted glass window and dirty white cabinets lined the walls, the floor was sticky and dirty and an empty dog bowl was on the floor among dirty washing and dishes.

Moving around again from the dining room there's the sitting room, typical beige room, brown settee, brown floor, glass coffee table in front of the two brown settees (a three seater and a two seater ) with empty drink bottles and ashtrays, at the back wall is the stairs which are short and steep leading to a passage with two doors, the one at the top of the stairs was a red and pink painted bedroom with old oak furniture, the curtain is actually a bed sheet on curtain wire and then there's a bathroom next door to it.

I always feel nervous and uneasy when I'm there, like I've lost all my family and I'm alone in this strange place but I belong there, they're speaking to me, I work with them and live there and know them in my dream but I actually haven't a clue what they are saying to me

I feel like it's life or death, like I'm running away from something but also looking for a place called cruddas park, I always go back to cruddas park to see my dad but I wake up

[type-cute-url-here]

I just want to be in a city apartment with the bright neon lights shining through the slits in the blinds while I smoke weed and listen to Joji on Vinyl

[type-cute-url-here]

There's something about being up at this time of morning and that makes me appreciate nature, birds are singing and the air is so quiet

[type-cute-url-here]

Bad Girls Season 10: Shannon Sarich

I don't usually post things like this but I'm going through a crisis through this quarantnine, I've made edibles for most of it and binge watched Bad Girls Club. I've hit season 10 and I'm finishing the reunion absolutely baked, logging onto Tumblr and reliving my 16 year old oats. So the reason that I logged into my account is that I want to tell you why I am feeling some levels of Euphoria.

Shannon from the beginning was targetted, sure I saw her and thought 'She seems like i've met her on 1,000 council estates' and I do apologise for that thought but it was the truth, every episode she was judged, she was picked on, told to sit away from the girls, just bullied and tortured in general.

She was bullied and when she was in confessionals and was talking about this "plan", I thought it was a front for her trying to fit in with the popular girls; saying she was 'weak'. I saw a lot of similarities between Shannon and I - in the sense that she was quite strong looking, dark, dominant and gothy and shit but also that she was a push over but this bitch is smart and strong and I underestimated her.

She came back to the reunion while all of the girls are glammed up, in jeans, a t-shirt and trainers and she's a tank! flipping girls over her shoulder, punching etc. she has to have a military background or something like that because she is fighting professionally, she seems like she has training or something.

anyway I'm ecstatic that she's sticking up for herself! I've noticed what her plan was! all along she's acted like she was all talk, couldn't stand up for herself, that she was weak minded and a push-over so while shes been pushing these girls and antagonising them because she's seeming fake while being nice...they've turned out to look like bullies and then they got they ass beat.

It may be because I'm stoned but i'm loving watching shannon be vengeful.

[type-cute-url-here]

When my family told me I would regret getting rid of you, I thought they were just trying to persuade me to keep you. I didn't think that a year on I would still be mourning your loss.

I would have an 8 month old baby, a little chunky think and I know you were a boy, call it a mother's intuition but I knew you were my Theo. Even now the thought of naming a child I have Theo doesn't feel right because that name was for you, I constantly think about you, what you look like, how you would be acting and developing.

Now your aunty Beth is pregnant! One year along and she is exactly in the same place I was only she's been strong enough to keep your cousin and I never was. I regret not having that ability, not having the strength to make your dad see this through to the end.

God, I miss being pregnant with you. I could be completely alone but I'd still feel like I could talk to you when I looked down at my belly, now I am alone. At least you are with Grandad now, your grandad Steve.

I wish someone would tell me you are alright up there, I wish I knew how you were, if you are growing ...

I love you, I can't explain how much I love you nor can I explain how this is unconditional but you are my number one, mammys angel and I miss you every day.

[type-cute-url-here]

Ever since I was a child I had an unnatural ability to see people that had passed over, I was able to communicate clearly and openly and just knew when there was something around me.

My memory is also another gift I have, I have memories from as early as 3 months old, I remember these things that I shouldn't be able to and I believe it has affected me in later life.

Recently I discovered I was able to read people, with the right amount of alcohol I learned to channel my gift and give people psychic readings. I've been trying to develop myself so I can talk to my dad but it's proving Harder than anticipated.

[brontesommerfeld]

[heavyilminds]

Insomnia takes affect once you’ve realised that you’re wasting your life sleeping, that whenever you close your eyes and have a break the world takes something else from you, be it a parent, a sibling, a friend or a lover. .. or hope.

[wordsof-mine]

“there’s not another name, or another person. not another heart, or another laugh. another smile, or another’s tears. another’s hand, another’s eyes, another’s soul. there’s not another.”

— twelve days since (13/11/18)

[type-cute-url-here]

There will never be another one of my dad, his hands ways felt like safety to me. He'd come home from work and they'd be rough, calloused but warm and strong. His eyes were unmistakable, I knew them anywhere.

[type-cute-url-here]

Dad,

This is where it hurts the most, when I've finished work and I'm sat in the bath. This is my quiet space, where I'm alone and peaceful or as least as best I can be. Funny how hot water relaxes my muscles but my head is still strong and unrelenting in letting me know you aren't with me anymore.

There's so much I want to say and so much I want to do, necromancy is an option but I'm too much of a wuss to be raising anyone from the dead, never mind you.

I feel like I need to say sorry, I'm sorry I didn't see you as often, I'm sorry I didn't know just how bad you were living after grandma died and even before that. I'm sorry that I never really got to sit and talk to you properly about your life choices or made more of an effort to help you change.

I'm sorry I pulled away from you the older I got and that I never stayed as often as I could. I'm sorry that I asked to move away from Newcastle or that I had a life in Hartlepool.

I'm sorry I didn't pay enough attention to you, that I grew up too fast. I'm sorry for every bad word or action I've ever taken or said against you. I'm sorry for everything but my biggest regrets are not telling you about my baby.

I regret not telling you I was pregnant last year, When Courtney told you I was when I visited you for a joke, she was telling the truth only we never knew it at that point. On the 25 of may I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant and I was so excited to tell you, I was buzzing but things didn't work out between myself and my mental health, josh and I were at breaking point and I was close to doing something stupid, mams cancer was still making its appearance and she was still growing her hair back, she was struggling with the effects of chemo and radiotherapy.

Everything that was going on led me to make a tough decision, I had an abortion and the worst part was I thought I was over it two weeks later. I wasn't.

The baby fell out of me weeks after the procedure, it had held on. Chunk had fought so hard and it broke my heart when I picked it up and it fit in the palm of my hand. That was my baby and your grandbaby. I was too heartbroken to tell you, too ashamed of what I did and couldn't handle how you would take it.

I regret not telling you, keeping you informed because you had a right to know. I also regret when you were in the hospital, your last few weeks when I visited you constantly.

I hate that you weren't there, you were there in body but not in spirit. The day you came out of your coma I was there, you squeezed my hand and opened your eyes and I thought there was hope. When you tried to speak but couldn't I was there with Courtney and mam. When you tried to hold my hand or write stuff down, when you tried to say "whey aye" and later "love you too". Every time you smiled I was there, every time you needed something I tried. Every time I sat by your bedside and watched you struggle to breathe, unable to talk or function without these machines and wires. I cried every time.

I begged you, dad. I begged you to fight, to cough and push the pneumonia out of your system. I begged you to keep going and get better. I exhausted every ounce of strength and energy trying to make sure you were better and that you knew I was there.

From the moment you called me from your first ward I knew, I knew you were saying goodbye. From the scattered inboxes and misspelt "love you girls" I knew you were saying goodbye. I told myself you were on high dosages of morphine but I knew.

I regret knowing you tried hard to fight for us but it wasn't hard enough, I regret I had to plan and attend your funeral, you were only 55. I regret I had to use my wedding song for your funeral, Stand By Me by Elvis. That was our song, our dance. I regret that you left us this early, that I couldn't make you see we were worth pushing for.

I know you think that because I've got mam I would be okay but I'm not. I'm not okay because you aren't a phone call away anymore. You aren't posting on Facebook or going to the shop, you've gone forever now. I thought I'd have at least another ten years with you.

But in a sick, twisted way you did get to hold your first grandchild. I know right now you're cradling little chunk like he is me.

I know you didn't know you were going to pass but I hope you realise just how much we love and miss you, mam was ready to marry you you know. She said if you pulled through you'd come back home with us but I guess you didn't believe her.

I love you dad, I can't get over the heart ache I feel, in the space of two years I lost you, grandma, a baby and dealt with mam and aunty Betty going through cancer. I dealt with my own mental breakdown and I've had a full nervous breakdown now. I don't think I can handle much more pain, if God sees you, ask him to give me a break please because I'm scared anything else will be my last push over the edge.

If things keep going the way they are and things keep happening to the people I love then I will be the next to go.

I miss you so fucking much.

[type-cute-url-here]

The night fades, it comes and goes but the darkness in my head stays. It's loyal and trusting and never leaves and I wish it would go.

I smile all the time, keep myself busy and even at work I try to make it so others moods are uplifting but it's draining and tiresome, leaves me fatigued but at night I still can't seem to sleep.

Someone told me "I wish I was like you, you're always happy" but deep down I'm breaking apart and it's rapid. I have days where I pick myself up, then I look in the mirror and feel sick or I'll wake up and the day turns my mood sour.

Mental illness is horrible, depression is a term used so lightly by people that have no idea what it entails and a hashtag for people to use, what about the people behind this disease that struggle? I'm yet to find the cure.

[type-cute-url-here]

My baby

24/5/2018

Baby,

I never got the chance to name you, hold you or be a Mam to you and I never will until the day I die.

You’re a little fighter just like me, you dealt with the first month of your life filled with vodka and the second filled with me moaning about what you were putting me through.

The nurse told me you would be gone in 6 hours and 7 days later here you are clinging on to me; you lived for me and I couldn’t support you but I never ever didn’t want you.

I hate myself for what I put you through, our family through and I will never forgive myself because I was and still am a horrible mother but please don’t hate me, I thought it was for the best but it wasn’t at all.

Your dad would have loved you if you were here, he would have adored you as I do and you had so many people that loved you already, your Aunty coco, nana sandy, Aunty Sally and Aunty Beth but mostly, me.

In those 7 (now 8) weeks you gave me a run for my money, you had my life but I had a purpose.

7th December was when you were due around about, my once upon a December, little Christmas baby and I will mark the days for you with love; you will always be my first baby, my number one and there will never be another like you, you have my heart you little princess even if you were a boy because you stayed until I could help you and bury you properly. Stubborn and high maintenance (you get that off Aunty coco)

Please know I will always love you and please don’t hate me because I know you will have a happy life in heaven, Great Grandad Fred will drive you around in his ford mondeo, will play with you and treat you amazingly, Great Nana Dot will spoil you as she did me and knit you little blankets just like mine, Uncle Tom and Uncle Tony will be the best uncles ever! You won’t be alone and there won’t be a day you aren’t thought of.

I’ll love you through this life and the next

Love Mam xx

[type-cute-url-here]

29-10-2018

I still think about you, look at my stomach and think about how big I would have been carrying you, I can't look at happy couples with their new born because that should have been us. At least now I know what unconditional love is, people will say I'm dramatic but I know it's the closest way to describe how I feel about you.

I feel like you're a boy , chunk.

My heart still hurts, the worst part was the blood... the blood everywhere and knowing it was me who did it, not knowing if you hate me but I read something... babies choose their parents in a spiritual sense. They know what will happen to them so you should have known your course, I just wish I hadn't been weak and scared, you chose me and I still don't know why but I in a sense am glad because I have my own little person in heaven .... I just wish you would come and see me x

[type-cute-url-here]

Saturday.

Saturday was supposed to be a good night out, it kind of was but I went to a bar with my sister, my boyfriend and his sister and a group of our friends and I caught up with one of my gay friends.

I've been friends with 'L' for around 6 years and had always stood by him even when he bullied Me, called me fat and ugly, belittled me and he even made me run after him when I broke my ankle bc he took my crutches but anyway, thought he was a mate and he sits and tells me that my bf has been cheating on me with a blonde haired, blue eyed girl....

He didn't know that Josh (bf) was there and I approached Josh immediately, Josh nearly killed him and would have if I didn't stop him .

I don't believe 'L' , he even told Josh's sister he 'got it wrong' but at the same time I don't know why he said it, I can't get my head around his reasons and the fact that I have that little confidence and I am so insecure has just collided with what L said and now I'm worrying.

My head is fucked

[danger]

For lonely people rain is a chance to be touched  by  André Josselin 

[type-cute-url-here]

Hiatus

I took a break for a while but I'm back now, hopefully I stay