it's hard to talk about serious things because I know that's probably not why I'm followed but if you want to see my posts then I'm just gonna post about whatever. I don't think there's any point in wasting time worrying about losing or gaining followers when this website is so hostile to everyone who doesn't fit its agenda anyways.
this one is going to sound stupid but I HAVE to get it off my mind. I come from a horrible background full of abuse and mistreatment and I was raised to believe that not only am I stupid, but I am a bad person and not likeable at all either. I've made a lot of progress in all of these areas and I feel like I've worked through a lot of my trauma and I've accepted that I am in some way a decent person and also much more smart than people gave me any credit for, but at one very distinct cost
I'm currently at a point in my life where there's this weird feedback loop between who I've been, who I think I am, who I'm becoming, who I want to become, etc. and it's all so confusing because I'm now around people who recognize my smarts, who recognize my efforts, and what that does to my psyche is almost indescribable
since I am at work so much and so many people have come to recognize me, I've been forced to face a reality in which I have to finally accept that I am smart, that I am helpful, and that I am actually a good person. people keep telling me I'm a good person and all I can think about is everything I've been told growing up
and I'm already like a deeply dissociative person (you're not getting details on that) so it just adds to my confusion and the feedback increases and it gets to a point where I can't think anymore.
a little kid walks up to me and asks for help. somewhere in my brain there's a chain reaction, I have to now acknowledge that I'm an adult now, that I am an adult living 1500 miles away from where he was born with no safety net, that even though I'm someone who's helped countless people there were still plenty that I couldn't help and had to cut contact with, that no matter how I see myself, the world will see me a different way. that being raised sheltered in a cult, denied of all education, denied any opportunity or future because of two former drug addict parents who are either dead or I've cut contact with them, tossed into a sink or swim situation in a society that actively rejects queer and autistic people and I've finally managed to come out on top only at the cost of forgetting who I am.
In the same breath I have to set all of that aside because there's a little kid who sees me as an adult, a reliable trustworthy figure, and I now have to play that part regardless of the fact I wasn't ready 5 years ago and I'm only barely ready now. all of that is going on internally meanwhile I just hand a kid a sticker and his mom says thank you.
I know it sounds like I'm being melodramatic but some of these shifts are only hard because of the cognitive challenges they present. it's almost like working retail when you're a deeply traumatized autistic adult with a decade long history of dissociation is kind of hard and I should be proud of myself for how far I've come.
I think my main problem (outside of the decade of dissociative symptoms) is just that I'm looking at who I want to be and who I've become. I don't think I ever wanted a personal connection with so many people, at least not at work. I'm glad to have coworkers who are happy to see me, but there is so much pressure when it comes to regulars, especially if I'm dissociating on the clock. a lot of this pressure is kind of artificial, since I don't think they're that perceptive, but the only part of me that consents to seeing the same people every day is my signature on the application. I do genuinely appreciate these people but I am sincerely spread thin and have been spread thin my entire life.
It's exhausting trying to keep in touch with everyone. I know it sounds like a brag to some people, but I've always been able to easily make friends and maintain them, and I was already a little spread thin before I started working. now I have to speak to people I know 24/7 as part of my job and that leaves me with next to no energy for my actual friends. I always worry that people think I don't like them because I don't respond to them when it's just a mix of being dissociative and stretched too thin, I can't possibly keep up with everyone and I can't bring myself to create a priority yet because I have trauma surrounding it. I have made it very far, but I still have very much to work through
above all I think I just want to reach a point where I can put all the heavy stuff aside and stand here and say I'm becoming who I want to be and I'm bringing all my friends with me
prguitarman
discoholicmusic
jbbartram-illu
2087
dailybridgerton
theartofmadeline
