what does home mean to me?
a person? place? feeling?
home is comfort, a place of reprieve from being, a space where i feel safe enough to explore within.
home right now is my room but do i want a bigger space than this?
do i want a piece of home in another person like before?
do i want that now??
in the physical realm, i dream about having more space to put away things (pantry goods, snacks, hobbies, interests) and the chance to style interiors more, but there's also a bit of fear behind these desires.
it means i am taking up space, which then begs the question: do i want to feel big? am i okay with feeling big? do i feel deserving of leading a fuller existence? do i want to endure the shadow work that leads to the strength required in maintaining a full life? can i let myself feel a tangible comfort in expansion along with the shaky excitement around this very true and real desire?
these are complicated feelings with several contradicting answers. but they all ring true.
young heart, old soul. it's wood against chrome and lines - hard, sleek, shiny, heady, vibrant, rustic, whimsical. i think about the pearl-steel candle rack i have vs. the anthro tea towels vs the z-bar floor lamp vs the lush, vibrant ikea flower bouquet and fake potted fern.
my favorite nail color is that 90s brown red lip like shiseido acorn but in jelly finish. again, vintage spiced with modernity. if fully vintage, it's that lights lacquer polish in the dried ketchup color, a brick terracota. if fully modern, it's the shockingly clear ruby red bottle of the kose makeup setting mist or the the glassy red of deborah lippman's lady is a tramp polish. i'm attracted to both but really am more interested in how they can merge.
(in my personal collection, it's 1 sheer coat of Fiote HD01 + 2 sheer coats of From the Nail FS95 = jelly vintage terracota)
it's the jono pandolfi serveware partnering with gleaming smooth steel of oneida flatware. they don't go together. they're not meant to, i just like them each as they are and choose to use them together.
i don't think it's that deep. i didn't like hearing this answer from her when i expressed a dislike tinged with ridiculousness at hearing about this guy furnishing his new place in 2 weeks. to me, your living space is not just a place you return to at day's end, it's an extension of you. it should be treated with care, be thoughtfully curated. it was really weird to me that someone just wanted to have the appearance of a designed space without seemingly making deliberate soul-embedded choices. the quickness felt impulsive and thoughtless.
he was very sweet and seemed kind enough but i turned him away because performing "togetherness" was a throughline in his behavior. he wanted to settle down, be married, and have kids because his circle was full of these people. throughout the night, i found him shapeshifting, revising his initial answers to a prompt or question after hearing my own. dude, cooking up compatibility is not sustainable long-term. this isn't just lying to me; you're doing yourself a disservice and betraying yourself, squeezing to fit a mold. what for? do you even like the mold?? will being in the mold make you happy, fulfilled? have you actually thought about who you are and what you truly want?
idk people can say it's not that deep, but how can you say that with such certainty? what if it is that deep and you just don't realize or don't want to admit it?
we seek what we seek and reach for what we do for xyz reasons. there's always a reason regardless of the depth you refuse to claim. there are certain things we find exciting, comforting, interesting like everything about us reflects our selves and others and if you pay attention and just notice, you'd see it too.
the jobs we stay in, the jobs we leave for, the hobbies we keep or take up, the connections we choose to keep in our lives and choose to create, both our lifestyle and dietary choices and habits.
how you show up in conflict, have difficult conversations, treat vulnerability in others and yourself. the behaviors you endure from others and tolerate in yourself. what you choose to talk about with others, where you see risk, where you seek comfort.
what content you consume, what you choose to create. the frequency in which you engage in all these things are all YOU. they all point to you and who you are.
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where do my ambitions lie? in knowing. in understanding myself. in becoming. in choosing interesting paths, in growing, in expanding what it means to be me. i don't agree with liz on a lot of things, but she has always shown me kindness and support as a dear friend. it's important to keep friends with different opinions around. echo chambers aren't fun. we all live life and pursue while leading with our own experiences.
i think a lot about the kind of life i want because i'm not sure. am i not sure about what i want? i think that Big Picture is unclear honestly but what scares me more is how much i want to thrive with glow, vibrancy, lushness.
"coming home" is a part of that, but at the same time, i think i'm building home in myself. by exploring more creative passions and finding my voice. by redecorating my room, cleaning out the clutter, using up the consumables, cutting down collections.
i used to hate summer and i hated LA but charles had been talking about how grateful he was to have been born and raised here when so many want to come but can't and those who left want to come back. the malibu fire left so many artists displaced and it wasn’t until then that i realized "oh, so many creative souls have been affected." and then i thought about coachella, burning man, the mountains, forests, beaches, deserts we have all around the state.
had i honestly tried loving this place that so many would sacrifice opportunities for? i hadn't because i previously couldn't. now that i can in this season of my life, can i put in genuine effort?
if i don't continue taking it for granted or just stop treating it with disgust, is there a chance of falling in love? (also it's funny and endearing that all my love interests always end up telling me they would move to nyc after hearing me say i feel displaced here)
i don't know, but i'll give it a shot despite knowing what i like and don't like.
kaledo-art
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