afternoon at the lake (ig: marshayame)

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@tzaria
afternoon at the lake (ig: marshayame)
12:06pm
We finished badminton when I noticed the sunset and thought “Oh, this reminds me of him.” Tom Ford Bitter Peach. Sweet, bright, boozy (ofc).. intoxicating to be around HAHAHAHA.
Idk I’m surprised I like this person’s company so much. It’s easier to give people attention when I only think things are interesting but my presence and company are super selectively shared. Like I don’t even hang out with my friends often because I’m more interested in exploring myself.
These guys honestly aren’t competing against each other when in reality it’s me. I do like myself a lot and I love my own company. My solitude is comforting. Inviting someone else in means sharing my peace with them and tbh, I’m not at all that eager esp when it wa so hard won. This shit took forever and I’m relishing my new life fervently.
Don’t get me wrong, I still want love; I just refuse to put anything else on a pedestal other than me. This is a selfish era. Unapologetic.
4:29pm
what is romantic? what is romance for me?
what does it mean to feel taken care of? what does having someone lead me feel like?
ooooooh you know what it is, i need that balance between my work personality and intimacy-bedroom personality. i want a strong gaze that rivals mine.
Still life.
--
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If you move, you’ll see more. If you do more, you’ll experience more. How else can transformation come if you don’t let yourself see differently and let yourself be changed? Touched? Moved?
4:29pm
what is romantic? what is romance for me?
what does it mean to feel taken care of? what does having someone lead me feel like?
ooooooh you know what it is, i need that balance between my work personality and intimacy-bedroom personality. i want a strong gaze that rivals mine.
2:59pm
what do i need right now > why do i feel this way
life is happening right now. every occasion is an occasion!!
7:53pm
what does home mean to me?
a person? place? feeling?
home is comfort, a place of reprieve from being, a space where i feel safe enough to explore within. home right now is my room but do i want a bigger space than this? do i want a piece of home in another person like before? do i want that now??
in the physical realm, i dream about having more space to put away things (pantry goods, snacks, hobbies, interests) and the chance to style interiors more, but there's also a bit of fear behind these desires.
it means i am taking up space, which then begs the question: do i want to feel big? am i okay with feeling big? do i feel deserving of leading a fuller existence? do i want to endure the shadow work that leads to the strength required in maintaining a full life? can i let myself feel a tangible comfort in expansion along with the shaky excitement around this very true and real desire?
these are complicated feelings with several contradicting answers. but they all ring true.
young heart, old soul. it's wood against chrome and lines - hard, sleek, shiny, heady, vibrant, rustic, whimsical. i think about the pearl-steel candle rack i have vs. the anthro tea towels vs the z-bar floor lamp vs the lush, vibrant ikea flower bouquet and fake potted fern.
my favorite nail color is that 90s brown red lip like shiseido acorn but in jelly finish. again, vintage spiced with modernity. if fully vintage, it's that lights lacquer polish in the dried ketchup color, a brick terracota. if fully modern, it's the shockingly clear ruby red bottle of the kose makeup setting mist or the the glassy red of deborah lippman's lady is a tramp polish. i'm attracted to both but really am more interested in how they can merge.
(in my personal collection, it's 1 sheer coat of Fiote HD01 + 2 sheer coats of From the Nail FS95 = jelly vintage terracota)
it's the jono pandolfi serveware partnering with gleaming smooth steel of oneida flatware. they don't go together. they're not meant to, i just like them each as they are and choose to use them together.
=======================
i don't think it's that deep. i didn't like hearing this answer from her when i expressed a dislike tinged with ridiculousness at hearing about this guy furnishing his new place in 2 weeks. to me, your living space is not just a place you return to at day's end, it's an extension of you. it should be treated with care, be thoughtfully curated. it was really weird to me that someone just wanted to have the appearance of a designed space without seemingly making deliberate soul-embedded choices. the quickness felt impulsive and thoughtless.
he was very sweet and seemed kind enough but i turned him away because performing "togetherness" was a throughline in his behavior. he wanted to settle down, be married, and have kids because his circle was full of these people. throughout the night, i found him shapeshifting, revising his initial answers to a prompt or question after hearing my own. dude, cooking up compatibility is not sustainable long-term. this isn't just lying to me; you're doing yourself a disservice and betraying yourself, squeezing to fit a mold. what for? do you even like the mold?? will being in the mold make you happy, fulfilled? have you actually thought about who you are and what you truly want?
idk people can say it's not that deep, but how can you say that with such certainty? what if it is that deep and you just don't realize or don't want to admit it?
we seek what we seek and reach for what we do for xyz reasons. there's always a reason regardless of the depth you refuse to claim. there are certain things we find exciting, comforting, interesting like everything about us reflects our selves and others and if you pay attention and just notice, you'd see it too.
the jobs we stay in, the jobs we leave for, the hobbies we keep or take up, the connections we choose to keep in our lives and choose to create, both our lifestyle and dietary choices and habits.
how you show up in conflict, have difficult conversations, treat vulnerability in others and yourself. the behaviors you endure from others and tolerate in yourself. what you choose to talk about with others, where you see risk, where you seek comfort.
what content you consume, what you choose to create. the frequency in which you engage in all these things are all YOU. they all point to you and who you are.
it is that deep.
==========================
where do my ambitions lie? in knowing. in understanding myself. in becoming. in choosing interesting paths, in growing, in expanding what it means to be me. i don't agree with liz on a lot of things, but she has always shown me kindness and support as a dear friend. it's important to keep friends with different opinions around. echo chambers aren't fun. we all live life and pursue while leading with our own experiences.
i think a lot about the kind of life i want because i'm not sure. am i not sure about what i want? i think that Big Picture is unclear honestly but what scares me more is how much i want to thrive with glow, vibrancy, lushness.
"coming home" is a part of that, but at the same time, i think i'm building home in myself. by exploring more creative passions and finding my voice. by redecorating my room, cleaning out the clutter, using up the consumables, cutting down collections.
i used to hate summer and i hated LA but charles had been talking about how grateful he was to have been born and raised here when so many want to come but can't and those who left want to come back. the malibu fire left so many artists displaced and it wasn’t until then that i realized "oh, so many creative souls have been affected." and then i thought about coachella, burning man, the mountains, forests, beaches, deserts we have all around the state.
had i honestly tried loving this place that so many would sacrifice opportunities for? i hadn't because i previously couldn't. now that i can in this season of my life, can i put in genuine effort?
if i don't continue taking it for granted or just stop treating it with disgust, is there a chance of falling in love? (also it's funny and endearing that all my love interests always end up telling me they would move to nyc after hearing me say i feel displaced here)
i don't know, but i'll give it a shot despite knowing what i like and don't like.
9:12pm
subj: charles k
it's because being together makes me feel freer. he is continuously showing himself to be a safe place for expressing myself. in feeling safe, i can share myself with him.
how does it feel safe? he's always present with me and doesn't judge. he prefers to question > making assumptions. he yaps just as much as i do because he too wants to be known.
i already trust him honestly. i don't trust my own uncertain thoughts centering shaky desire.
i know ai won't win because i broke my favorite mug.
the lines on the bottom say do not microwave but i have been microwaving it for 7 years now. i put it away wet and it must have slid off the counter. it broke into 6 pieces. my girlfriend says this is proof a ghost that lives in my house; particularly because it is a black mug with a ouija board design. i think it is proof that i should dry things before i put them away.
i had superglue from an abandoned art project. it took me four days. inspired by kintsugi, i painted the seams golden. it is my first time doing anything like this, and it was more error than trial. i do not have any fancy materials. there is a thick band of gold across the no, so it reads like a diphthong now, N\O. a part of it broke in an almost-perfect peace sign, oddly round.
it will not be watertight anymore, it cannot be a mug. i'll reuse it as a flower pot. it will go on my back porch. it is kind of ugly, really. i didn't do an excellent job.
i spent every minute of this repair thinking about how often i had used it. how many little rituals it has been a part of. it is a big mug, but not a soup mug, which i loathe. it is perfect for two hands to hold. i have used it almost daily, so often that many of the details have worn off. my own skin did that - almost a decade of shared warmth.
none of the times i have told this story has a single person said what do you mean you have a favorite mug. not a single person who has seen the resulting half-maimed piece has said why would you put that back together? not a single person has said this is a waste of time. not a single person has told me what's the point of this? if you want to find a new mug, just use AI.
somewhere someone is probably using AI to draw an image or write a poem, i know that is true. but i think it is also probably true that most of us are going to write and read and draw and dance just because. that the process of doing so is not for a goal or a specific benefit, but because for thousands of years now - when a piece of pottery breaks, we try to fix it. for thousands of years - long before capitalism had any say in it - humans have been doing things just for the experience of it. for the fuck of it. for the love of the game.
ai is not going to win because i cut my thumb while i did it. ai is not going to win because i kept thinking about my all friends who do ceramics, how they're always asking me if i want to join them for a lesson. i was thinking about every person i've ever shared a coffee with. i was thinking about who i was when i bought this mug (graduate student. could barely afford the off-season thing on clearance). i was thinking about how many hands have held this, how many people i've been since.
ai is not going to win because i didn't do a perfect job of it.
my sister-in-law and i recently had a conversation about how one of her coworkers uses Chat instead of reading self-help books. and we both looked at each other about that, the stunned silence of rabbits. "can you imagine?" we said. what's even the point to it.
did i tell you? i had this dream once. we as the earth decided that for one moment, we'd all go outside and sing. any note we wanted, any way. it could be a howl or a scream or a high c. the noise we made together - it was the most beautiful harmony. this, i thought. this is the natural state of things.
6:16pm
isn't it funny how i mentioned i thought he lacked ambition and in the same night, he confesses "i used to be work pretty hard when i was younger." what's the rush for? what do i want a definitive answer for? aren't things good now? stress-free, easy, fun? aren't these all good things? why am i waving them away? to have a conclusion and move on to the next potential partner?
it's not that i don't like what we have because i do. for all the reasons i mentioned earlier. he likes me and he's attracted to me but that doesn't really matter yet when i haven't decided if i want him. around. for longer.
i haven't asked because i don't care enough yet. i don't care enough yet because i don't like him enough yet. i don't like him enough yet because??
it's not that i actually don't like him because i do. he's a cool human so far from what i've gleaned. red flags/beige flags: dog lover, not suited to Creed - Aventus
i think i need more time to see if he might be someone i can build with. i think our connection will give me breadth and expansion, but not depth. it's enough to enjoy what we give each other. that's enough but.. do i want more? right now?? or can i just let myself revel in being adored one-sidedly? the problem isn't that i don't want people to give, i want to find someone **i** want to give to. i'm a cat-person!! doesn't that tell you all you need to know??
many people will choose me. i want my choice to matter the most. i'm not settling.
my nervous system is resetting and i'm figuring out if i can trust this new feeling.
his smile is saccharine and his eyes are kind. he glows. i want to believe in this goodness.
7:34pm
this period of life seems like a season of fun, lightheartedness and play. why? because the pendulum has finally swung the other way after taking Things so seriously.
life can be whatever i want it to be. so who am i becoming?
what do i actually value? what do i want to pursue? who do i want to allow in my life? what do i want to give my energy to?
and these are all questions of desire because my body has finally learned it's okay to want. it's not inherently bad or evil. in fact, it's natural.
after putting myself aside for so long, my body has caught up in feeling safe in wanting.
===========================
i think this all the time but it's pretty fact that my life began after i slipped out and away. the time apart from my parents has been indescribably healing for my sense of self. can you believe it has hardly been 4 years??? fucking crazy.
looking back at old posts and photos, i realize past me crawled miserably on jungle floor so i could stride peacefully and confidently through shaded tree. this is what dividends look like.
experiments have come and gone in the shape of connections and material things. i still like having variety to cycle through and i'm working on decreasing the number of things i have simply because i want to try them. why be so distracted, you know? there's enough foundational knowledge to understand what i actually like and seek out. the surplus is just.. cool? nice to have on hand?? but not disliked enough to give away.
my hobbies weren't a waste of time though. when i break down what i spent for nails from reg polish to gel polish, it's like yeah.. i could have spent that money getting a set done every month but the point wasn't to just have pretty nails. part of the enjoyment was actually having a tactile hobby to get into and dolling up nails happened to be an avenue. i like the focus of getting trimmed and cleaned up cuticles. i like taking care of my hands and nails. seeing the visible decrease of hangnails and peeling skin around nail beds has been a great confident act of self-love. like dude i used to peel and pick my fingers/hands to the point of bleeding. what a long way we've come.
when it comes to fashion and skincare, i'm now much more methodical and less experimental. i like what looks good on my body, things that are a suitable fit. the goal is usually to look more polished rather than experiment with styles. wait actually, when i'm feeling more girly and feminine, i'll play around with patterns but in general, i care about silhouette and comfort most.
having the size of makeup collection i do now doesn't make me feel bad. you need variety to create different moods. plus, powder products don't expire quick anyway. the skincare and haircare stash are other areas i'm tackling more seriously though and honestly, this is why i'm delaying the haircut even when it's too long for my preference! and it's summer already!! idk how long i'll delay it tbh... maybe when the headaches start coming? my hg claw clips are already having a hard time keeping all of it up when i'm working hnnggg.
another stash i'm tryna get through is all my tea.. honestly, i love my tinned tea more than tea bags but i've been gifted so many tea bags and i do want to try them all so i have to actively think about choosing a tea bag vs reaching for my tins. first world problem. but not really a problem at all HAHAHAHH. good problem to have?
in line with the tea is the snacks.. and my pantry goods... food scarcity as a kiddo really fucks up abundance mindset but like i keep saying!! i'm workin on it. snacks aren't really on my mind when i'm stressed at work though and nowadays, i only think about snacks when cravings hit. having a lil mid-day sweet treat is honestly so healing though, just gotta find healthier versions to stick to. bro what's gonna happen to my snack ig account though??? lmao i'm kidding, no way it'll disappear, it just means the snack posts will decrease. but my backlog of posts has never died anyway. i'm so inconsistent. i always post in batches. but that's how i am in general, i load up on hobby activities and then switch interests according to mood.
=================
mmmm if my previous areas of fun were skincare, makeup, nails, snacks, and frags, what holds the most fun for me now?
work can be a whole fucking lot, but i do like that i'm learning a lot. dating around and getting to understand people and myself is fun. i like being out in nature on the weekends to recharge. downsizing and curating a life i want is fun.
i'm into interior design again. had a brief stint with shoes recently. finding cute dresses has been a recent interest though i've honestly collected a more than healthy amount at this point. getting more would be cool though HAHAHAH, they're so easy to throw on and look nice. like you don't gotta think so much to feel put together. v efficient.
i like looking good and feeling good, but i prioritize the sensory experience of the environment or world around me more. what's this mean? putting money towards serveware, lighting, decor, textiles/bedding, room scents, ergo tools for work that look and feel nice. plus putting health first. yeah the feccin HM chair is ungodly expensive in 2026 but this is cheaper than an American hospital bill when the company only covers 50% of medical!! sigh i gotta get outta here. my poor hard-earned dollars....
ooof there's a lot of body care to use up too. unfortunately, i've always been lazy HAHHAHAH there's too much surface area compared to a face.
4:29pm
what is romantic? what is romance for me?
what does it mean to feel taken care of? what does having someone lead me feel like?
ooooooh you know what it is, i need that balance between my work personality and intimacy-bedroom personality. i want a strong gaze that rivals mine.
i always get so many compliments on my blue eyes :)
7:04pm
what did i like about each connection?
tony/kenny: ambitious, financially stable/successful, assertive, presence and present -- both liked cats, loved dogs
daniel: presence/present, really understood me, my moods, rants + good at tending to me (baby wipe/water for me first before himself, readying food when i wake up). he knew how to give me space but not how to hold me -- loves cats, hates dogs
charles: talks about human things that matter, spending time together doesn't feel like work. we went out last Sat night and i felt energized by a casual hangout. i think it's because he's so heart-on-his-sleeve that i don't need spend extra energy trying to figure him out, wonder who he really is. he just shows me. both when i initiate or don't at all. being with someone who actually wants to be seen makes an unfathomable difference -- loves dogs, ??? cats
when they can't or won't, you become sisyphus and the fruit of your effort is suffering.
why is asking for a good man so hard????
integrity of character + emotional maturity + ambition + financially stable = tall ask sigh
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i love the performance of chivalry when there is true goodness behind the intention. like yes, show me how much you can be a gentleman because you wanna be. because you genuinely wanna treat me with that level of care. i like being daddy to girlfriends and at work, but i wanna be baby with my man.
i've always known chivalry to be performative but i never appreciated it because i didn't understand it. i didn't understand the level of effort that had to be put even in show. "let me literally show you what you deserve." acknowledging this meant facing: do i genuinely believe i deserve goodness? am i worthy of it?
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giving each partner guidance on exactly what i need relentless teasing and an ocean of praise being cornered and made honest pampered defined = ??
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edit: Jun 13, 2026
i've been sitting on this.
there are things that straight women like in courtship with that are not natural to these men under patriarchy. most of the learned behaviors come from observation and willingness to do what lets us feel connection, intimate, etc.
almost all men are not written by women and if you don't tell the person what you want or need, then there's no sustainable relationship.
why do i think these learned behaviors are lesser than? why am i looking for "they should just know/understand"??
what a beautiful, beautiful phrase
ily, menswear guy