As it turns out, he doesnāt have to say it after all, Kimiko starts talking on her own. Osaka. Thoughts of home, of a simpler time, when things werenāt exactly good but they were better, at least. Better than this certainly, not that it was a high bar. For a long moment Hideo misses his family so keenly that itās all he can feel, and that alone is like a kind of relief. And then he looks at her, forces himself to do so while she talks, but he canāt watch her for the whole confession.
It hurtsā¦
Heād just wanted to understand, but not like this. This was the opposite of what he wanted, he didnāt want to feel this way. Thereās a sick feeling in his chest and his stomach, thereās anger thatās all his own, not brought on by the motive, not a sudden surprised burst, not coming from anyone else but him.
Thereās no way he can keep looking at her, so Hideo squeezes his eyes shut, but he can still hear her and thatās bad enough. The pain, the desperation, the resignationā¦ for the first time, Hideo truly canāt stand it, canāt accept someone elseās feelings. Because what gave her the right to feel that way?
āShut upā¦ā His voice is soft, tremulous, barely audible and he presses his hands to the side of his head. And then suddenly heās shouting, āShut up! Shut up, shut up, just stop! Youāre sorry but that doesnāt bring them back! It doesnāt matter how bad you feel! You killed them! They donāt get to feel anything anymore because of you! Whyā¦ whyā¦ if you want to throw your life away so badly why even do it? You killed Matsukaze because they saw you and now youāre just going to ask to die anyway!? What did you kill them for, then? Did their life mean so little to you!? Akihiko-san is right! Youāre b-being a coward! Youāre more of a coward than I am if you think you deserve anything you want after what youāve done!ā
Hideo slams his hands down onto his podium, looking up at her again with eyes full of tears and pain and anger, squinting through the pain, it feels like heās dying. Itās too much. He knows the feeling coming from her too well and it hurts, hurts, hurts but this time his own emotions are so much stronger that it doesnāt matter. Oh, he understands now, the real effect of anger. What itās really like. This feelingā¦ strong enough to block out everything else. No wonder people gave into it so often.
āWhat about Giordani-sanās family? What about Matsukazeās parents? Do you have any idea how much they meant to them? Do you know how much this is going to hurt them? Do you evenā¦ did you ever even talk to Matsu? Did you know anything about them? You canāt have known how much pain they were in, all the time, but they stillā¦ they deserved so much betterā¦ and you took them away. You killed my little siblingā¦ and now you think you can justā¦ make it better by dying? Because you donāt want to feel like this? Youā¦ youā¦ I canāt stand youā¦ Iā¦ stop making this about you! You killed two people! You should feel bad! I donāt care who told you to do it! No one forced her to pull the trigger five times!ā
Suddenly all he can think about is Matsu, their tiny body in his arms, their head on his shoulder, blood seeping into his shirt, a horrible mockery of the way they would lean against him when they were alive. Theyāll never do that again. Theyāll never do anything again. A sob tears its way out of Hideoās throat and he presses his hands over his face, almost doubling over.
āIā¦ hate youā¦ā
Thatās it, thatās what this feeling is. Hideo cries, gasps for breath, and takes several minutes to collect himself enough to speak again. And when he does, when he finally lowers his hands enough to do so, his voice is quieter again, but thick with tears and barely-suppressed emotion.
āI donātā¦ want to hear what she wants anymoreā¦ I donāt want to listen to her anymoreā¦ d-donāt say anything unless it helps us find out whoās behind this. I canāt bear it. I just want this to be over. H-how is this supposed to work? What do we do now? I want to do what Jo saidā¦ move on, I donāt want to hear aboutā¦ any of that anymoreā¦ pleaseā¦ā
