imma ginger

-ginger -giraffe lover -fockey4lyfe -love to bake -yup

[ultraconnifertree]

writing lies of my skin

the words and lines make me spin

twisting into a tornado

[ultraconnifertree]

distance sucks

distance relationships suck

it feels restrictive

am i restricting him? from bed times, lent, hobbies

is he restricting me? from activities, friendships, my place and time

i won’t be able to see him consistently til i graduate

is this worth it?

seeing him for 3 weeks for all of 2021?

how do ppl make this work?

[ultraconnifertree]

a song love and distance

we are an ocean away

why are we an ocean ahhwaay

the waves of green plains

the white caps of mountains

the pods of rivers swimming everywhichway

i wave to you over facetime

and it sucks

i wish it could be another way

to have you close

to see you in the same sunlight

just to eat with you and laugh with you

by my side instead of through a screen

i want to send my lasso out

and pull you next to me

why is my heart so scatteted

in pockets of places

does it make me scared to love and enjoy new places like college and abroad? how do i let go and be vulnerable to the heartache i’ll feel in the end when i miss you so and i dont want to go?

[ultraconnifertree]

ive come to care so much about what you think of me that i feel like ive lost myself and dont care about what i think of me

im lost

im unhappy

unmotivated

things i can touch and look forward to make me happy

decision scares me

[ultraconnifertree]

i get to see you in 12 days but

i feel like im not good enough for you and it makes me feel sick to my stomach to think i could lose you but i just think im too boring or too serious and i just feel so sad and even tho we miss each other i just worry you wont want to spend time with me if i dont stay interesting or exciting and ik i dont give you enough of a reaction to think and i feel like our communication needs work and i feel like you always know what to say to me but i dont give you the same and i feel bad and unworthy

but i also feel so sad that you struggle with money and its not something i can empathize or help you with and i want to but i cant and ik my tears r pointless but i just feel bad and powerless

[ultraconnifertree]

reflecting on the summer

to learn a language i think you must first need to know how to laugh at yourself. for example, today in french i tried to say something along the lines of “there’s a big storm outside” but instead i said “there’s a big orange outside” because the word for storm and orange are so close to each other (orage et orange) and i think my mistake is so funny more so even cuz my french pals didn’t even tease me and just went along w it. also to have the courage to make mistakes and the patience and vigilance to learn from them are equally important things. this summer of 2019 has been one of growth and big-time self reflectance. if u like enneagrams lmk cuz im diving back into that big ocean of interest this next month of summer.

[ultraconnifertree]

i find that i worry more when i have less to worry about

[ultraconnifertree]

im being bombarded by my own thoughts again that im not good enough and i want it to stop and i just wanna be good and ik to do that i gotta start trying and doing but thats so hard when i think imma fail or get rejected. 15 july 2017

i try to read in class and the professor has to reread what i say bc i dont pronounce things right or i read too slowly so i dont feel good enough.

i try to make plans and engage with people but no one seems to want to engage in return so i think im not doing enough or that im not interesting enough

i try and idk how to fail so when i fail i think im not enough

[ultraconnifertree]

i woke up knowing today is a new day and it can be great. i need to remember to take time for myself, to sleep, and to do things when i get caught up in my own life. i want to pay more attention to other people and not be so focused inward on my own feelings

[ultraconnifertree]

this is collalsal

with claws that tear me inside to out

everything feels like too much

and i feel like im not enough

like i dont do enough

and when i try its not enough

7/13/19

[ultraconnifertree]

this would all be eaiser if i was ded cuz literally all these problems are nothing yet they seem like the biggest thing in the world rn and i want to be ok and for everything to be ok but i feel so not ok and i dont know how to stop feeling like this 7/13/19

[ultraconnifertree]

i feel so insecure and like i dont know how to make friends or keep friends or be engaging or be ok with change and im just so anxious and stupid and awkward and all i want is a friend

[ultraconnifertree]

where does this anxiety come from

im in paris and feel uncomfortable bc idk what im doing tonight and im hot and tired and confused and lost like i. did. not. think. this. through. Also i know for a fact i rely too much on my parents for guidance and support and money and i feel bad. i always try to avoid stress but how can i grow if i dont try to work through it

[ultraconnifertree]

june 24

oh god i hate myself so much right now. i let things build and grow and i cant take stress and i cant hold in my tears and i cant fucking learning a language and i cant be more mature and i cant learn to fail and i cant understand and be my own human without fearing judgement and i cant self motivate and i cant hype myself up and i cant take conflict and i cant take criticism and i cant speak up

but i wanna be better and i wanna be the best and i wish i would let anxiety overcome me so quickly. this was suppose to be a good week and i already feel like im not trying hard enough and i think im gonna fail and i just dont wanna do this but at the same time i do

[ultraconnifertree]

failed a test in french class today june 24

i let it manifest

without much protest

i feel it digest

and eat up my best

i cant find rest

while i let time test

the heaviness in my chest

oh what a pest

anxiety makes me depressed

[ultraconnifertree]

i get so lost in my head

even though nothing is wrong

i tell myself something is

and let myself get carried away

i love being happy

even though im usually sad

why is something i want

so hard to get

am i addicted to sadness

do i live off of attention

im actually spoiled rotten

because i’ve never known how to not get my way

[ultraconnifertree]

feeling like a lot and i want to be a little less. im feeling a lot and i wanna feel less. i think people think im annoying or extra or too much and i wish i didnt think about what other people think about me but i do and no body wants to engage with me rn and i think i crave attention too much and if i dont get it i feel bad and unloved. 6-19-19