𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬,

𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦, 𝘥𝘶𝘴𝘬𝘺, 𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘥, 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶

[thequeerwithoutfear-deactivated]

pick your battles. pick… pick fewer battles than that. put some battles back. that’s too many 

[embershx]

*Picks up another battle while maintaining eye contact* Make me

[j6]

back by unpopular demand: me

[destroymylife]

[lifeinpoetry]

saying your name feels like a ritual / for a god i haven’t found yet.

Mallory Pearson, from “A Window That Sees Through Two Houses,” published in Kingdoms in the Wild (via lifeinpoetry)

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

she furrowed her brows. “in my fantasy can you pretend to be a doting father, c’mon.” she admonished but found herself smiling, inching closer to wrap her arms around his waist and nuzzle her head into his chest. “we can only have a golden retriever if we name it something obtuse like godzilla or mark.” she smiled at the thought, just the two of them and a dog, growing old together, a reality that would never see the light of day.

“ mark.   mark is a good name, ”   he settled on,   curling an arm around her shoulders to keep her pinned as close to him as possible.   his eyes shut momentarily,   submerging himself in world that may have been make believe,   but it was more than he had ever dared to hope for himself before.   “ he might keep your bras hostage to get treats,   but he knows how to play dead really well. ”

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

any daydream where she got to spend what was left of her life with him was something worth exploring. “i promise not to forget you every morning but i still want you to make me a home movie set to that beach boys song, thats peak romance.” any future where she got to spend every day with him was a future she was willing to accept.. even if it was as simple as daily visits to her home and nightly sneaks back in. “and babies. little blonde haired blue eyed babies… i can see them now.”

he hummed,   content with the image that was being painted for them.   maverick wanted nothing more than everything and anything she had to offer,   would use every ounce of this relationship as a crutch for the days he wanted to step out of his own skin.   “ i’ll use one of those old cam corders too,   for aesthetic, ”   he smiled,   leaning forward to find the crook of her neck.   “ babies .. i’m not so sure i can commit to that.   they kind of terrify me.    maybe some golden retrievers instead for the same effect. ”

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

once he was eye level it was easier to look him over, her hand reaching over to softly brush stray hairs out of his face. “i wanna spend every single one i have left with you. and i know how demanding that is and how unlikely but, if i could have it my way, thats what i would want.” and she meant that wholeheartedly. the last handful of years had gone by so quickly, if these next few were to do the same she wanted them to do so with him by her side. “my uhm,” she began, her fingers dancing along his jawline softly, “my grandparents left me a trust, its supposed to be for college and a downpayment on a house one day but, maybe, i dunno, maybe next year when i’m eighteen i can get us a little apartment downtown and we can blow off school all we want.. its not like our parents can say much.. we will be adults technically… we can spend the days just you and me..”

maverick visibly relished the feeling of her touch,   facial features softening with contentment,   ever present tension in his chest dissipating,   shoulders falling slack in a manner synonymous to cartoons slinking into fresh bath water.   “ who would’ve thought a lowly boy like me would strike gold by being your first time and sugar baby, ”   he teased,   words soft in the space between them.   it was a delicate balance between fantasy and reality,   but he knew it wasn’t his place to decide where the line should be drawn.   maverick would follow wherever it was she wanted to take them,   with no fight at all.   “ we can be like that scene in fifty first dates,   buy a boat and roam the waters of alaska.   i’ll make you breakfast every morning and make sure we don’t hit any icebergs. ”

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.​

she was thankful he at least conceded to this, her heart a little at ease with his promise. “i love you, i’m sorry it took me so long to figure that out.” she muttered against his skin, pressing soft kisses into it before pulling away enough to lay back, silently beckoning him to do the same. violet wondered if they had just stopped ignoring each other long enough to have a conversation, would they have had more time together? could they have spent the last seven years memorizing each other instead of trying to forget the other existed? “i’m sorry we won’t have more time together..”

maverick shifted to lay beside her,   folding one of her pillows beneath himself to keep him propped up some.   he always wanted her lips on his skin,   but maverick knew the heaviness of sincerity and he wouldn’t risk violet thinking this was nothing more than a momentary bliss.   “ don’t say it like that, ”   he demanded softly,   swallowing back a grimace.   death had maybe been inevitable to her at a much faster rate than most their age,   but talking about it with a casual undertone that threatened her demise by tomorrow wasn’t ever going to be easy to hear.   “ just tell me whatever you want to do,   how you want to spend any day and we’ll do it. ”   an unlikely admission,   but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t do everything he could to try. 

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

it wasn’t fair, to either of them. whatever higher power or being there was, it had doomed them from conception. violet would find solace in the fact that they had little choice, the universe had forced their hand. “when i get bad.. when i only have days left.. i don’t want you to watch me die. i want to do it together… i wanna leave this place together, okay?” it was the only set of rules she could put in place that made sense to her. “its together or not at all, okay? can you promise me at least that, please.”

maverick should have been happy with her concession,   but all that swallowed him was melancholy.   the conversation made it more apparent that no matter how long they did have,   it would still seem like too little time.   even putting them as a couple aside,   there had to have been things she wanted out of life that she knew she was never going to get.  although it wasn’t his favorite suggestion,   maverick could give her this control at the very least.    “ always together,   yes.  i promise, ”   he murmured,   taking a hold of her hand.   

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

she swore in this moment she hated him. she hated him for souring the only good thing she had ever come across. hated him for being so fucking hard headed. hated him for being the only thing that could cause this pain but also the only thing that could ease it. defeated, she rested her forehead against his shoulder, allowing the tears she had managed to keep in to finally fall. “i don’t wanna be your death sentence, mav. please don’t make me.”

the confession should have stayed a fact that only he had been privy to.   it was unfair of him to prop his actions up against her,   even if that hadn’t been his intention,   and he debated telling her that she had changed his mind,   that he would follow through with a promise to keep on beyond this but he knew it would only be a lie.   and he didn’t want to lie to her.   “ i don’t want to be without you, ”   he reiterated,   turning his head to softly bump his cheek against her forehead.   “ i fucking adore you,   violet.   i’m sorry. ”

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

with a huff she sat up, holding the blankets to her chest as she situated herself on her bed to look over at him. “no. i’m sorry but no.” she spoke with a shake of her head, exasperated that he would even think she would be willing to accept this. “look, i’ve prepared my whole life for my death. i’ve come to terms with it, i’ve accepted it. but i can’t–” she stopped then to pull her gaze from him to hide watering eyes, sucking on her teeth in a failed attempt to come across stronger than she really was. “i can’t and i won’t accept yours. you’ll be my whole life but i will not be yours. i refuse. i won’t. you will find something to live for after me. thats the only way i can thank you for giving me a reason to live for right now.”

the sentiment was appreciated,   and maverick made that known with a surrendering sigh.   but the reality was that there was no changing his mind.   nothing that she could say nor do,   and certainly not anything anyone else in his life would care to offer.   maverick had not been happy for too long and the dull numbing he had deemed normal up until their reunion was not a feeling that he wanted to go back to,   ever.   “ well it’s not really your decision,   is it, ”   he muttered,   tilting his head in her direction as his arms folded over his chest.   maverick made no motion to move away from her,   even as his conscience told him it might have been what she preferred.   “ i’m sorry for saying anything. ”

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

her lips pressed themselves into a tight line as she rolled off of him, settling onto her side with her back to him. what she wanted out of this was a great love for herself to experience before her time was up, for him, she wanted a small chapter in a story meant to end decades after her.. something he could look back on fondly, something he could tell his grandchild about when they doubted true love. her death sentence wasn’t his to share. she let the silence fall over them as her mind raced through a thousand scenarios… maybe she would be doing him a favor if she just ended things now before he could invest too heavily in them.. pull away before the irreparable damage was done. 

his tongue tried to roll out an apology,   mind leaned into the instinct to roll his eyes and take himself as far away from her as possible.   maverick hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath until he finally exhaled,   dragging against the sheets to sit upright.   blue eyes debated keeping themselves away from her to not betray a practiced absence of vulnerability,   but maverick was too scared to miss any changing mind her own face might have exposed.   “ look,   i’ve known since i was seven that i wasn’t going to live a long life.   i found something to live for now,   and i’m going to ride it out until the  —— ”   his right hand gave a loose wave in place of whatever higher being it was she may have believed in.   “ ——  decides that it’s going to end.  and that’ll be my time too. ”   finally,   his teeth bit at the inside of his cheek,   hesitance beginning to seep from his palms.   “ don’t be mad.   please. ”

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

the fit of laughter she had found herself in was cut short at his last bit there. “don’t say that. don’t ever say that.” despite how romantic it might have been given the context, violet didn’t want to think that she would take out the last bit of beauty this world had to offer her with her. life after her couldn’t exist if he wasn’t there. “you can’t say stuff like that.. i won’t let myself take you out with me, okay?” and maybe she had taken his joke too literally but it was far from funny for her. “promise me.”

the weight of her initial reaction seemed to hollow out his chest,   shoulders wanting nothing more than to curve inward in a futile act of self preservation for the rest of the words that left her.   but maverick kept still,   falling back into the brick wall of nonchalance he normally put on.   it might have been radical behavior masked by teenage romance,   but he meant every word of it.   to steady an air of endearment,   his fingers kept themselves looped in her hair as he looked up to meet her gaze and simply spoke,   “ no. ” 

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

maybe it was youthful ignorance that had violet considering just how quickly she could cement him further into her life. emancipation? a shitty studio apartment above the old record store? parent signatures on minor marriage certificates? whatever she had to do she would do it, anything to assure that he was hers wholly and she was his. “true.. and how else am i gonna convince her to willingly let us have sleepovers if she doesn’t like you? you need to be the perfect little son in law… start practicing your good boy act for me, yeah?”

“ tough bargain. ”   maverick wouldn’t have been surprised if her mom didn’t approve,   maybe a part of him wanted her to for the lure of sneaking around and skipping classes.   but he knew that high was short - lived and,   knowing his own family well enough,   he wanted somebody to think of them in adoring undertones.   “ yes ma’am,   i’ll love your daughter unconditionally, ”   he practiced with a stern angle of his eyebrows,   contrasting the humored smile that his lips settled into.   two fingers of his left hand settled against his forehead in a misplaced soldier’s salute.   “ for richer,  for poorer,  in sickness and in health.   even plan on killing myself so she doesn’t have to wait too long in the afterlife for me. ”

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

she hummed against his lips as she pecked him over and over again, only stopping long enough to draw back and look him over before speaking. “play your cards right and you’ll never have to be.” an almost threat but there was no malice behind it. violet had already decided some several hours ago that she would be his for as long as he wanted her to be. there was nothing he could do that would have the girl pulling away from him. for her, he was without flaws, even those others might have viewed as issues were only pieces of a story that made him who he was. “you gonna stay the night with me? i’ll make up some bullshit to my mom about having to go into school early and we can go get pancakes at Nevel’s Diner instead.”

“ always,   yeah. ”   even if a picture perfect scenario had been waiting for him at home,   a concerned mother with blankets pulled fresh out of the dryer and a cooling tray of stuffed shells on the stove,   he would have still agreed.   maverick was too attuned with the reality that their days were numbered,   and in the privacy of lonely nights he would lecture himself for spending too many years overlooking her,   but he would do whatever he could now to make up for lost time.   “ and go to school after, ”   he suggested gently,   tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear.   “ can’t have you skipping two days in a row,   or else your mom will never approve. ”  

[japril]

[un--well]

i :   𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐭.

she smiled, waiting until he had rid himself of the shirt before taking ahold of his shoulders and forcing him back against the bed, rolling onto him to pin him once he was down. “now why would you go and do that when you naturally taste intoxicating.” she questioned softly, both hands on either side of his face to prop her up, leaving her hovering over him and her hair creating a curtain that concealed them from the outside world. softly, she nuzzled his nose with her own, lips soft as they kissed at his for a moment before she pulled away. 

a look of awe settled on his face as soon as his back hit the mattress,   followed with a delighted laugh.   the unadulterated happiness that he was swarmed with when she was around wasn’t like anything else maverick had experienced.   “ oh yeah,   you know just what to say to boost my ego. ”   he managed to murmur against her lips,   both hands extending for any part of her they could get.   his fingers settled with loosely twisting the ends of her hair,   words barely bubbling past his lips from a softness in volume.   “ i don’t ever want to be without you. ”