I donāt know whether you still check this page - Iāve started posting a lot less frequently over the years as I got a bit older and busier. But I was re-reading old posts, some about you and some about different guys at university, and on the off chance you do still check once in a blue moon, Iād like you to know.
On re-reading my old thoughts and everything that happened, itās unbelievably clear how much I loved you. And yes I loved you - itās clear to me that I felt ashamed or embarrassed to acknowledge that, because you always backed away whenever I wanted to talk emotions. It took me months to get you out of my head at the time, and I wouldāve done absolutely anything for you. I donāt actually think I would those things and have that loyalty for anyone else ever again (that probably comes with maturity, and, well, self control). Recently, I had a similar connection and situation come up, and it reminded me of this - and I said, I know where this leads. I know how much pain it eventually puts me in. So as much as I would like to - I have to decline and say goodbye. Ironically he reacted the very same way as you did back then - not reaching out, but keeping tabs on my every move online. Missing me so painfully from a distance that he was driving himself crazy. But never being able to give me what I wanted - something real, something committed.Ā Ā
With perspective, it is also confusing for me why you and I didnāt even try to give it a real go. I understand we were both very young and at university at the time - but, come on. Excuses, excuses. I reckon we could have had a real shot if we had just calmed down and made a logical plan on having a relationship, despite the distance. I still donāt appreciate how you treated me and distanced yourself - I was a beautiful girl who cared about you so, so much, even if I was a bit rough around the edges.
I want you to know I had other very meaningful relationships afterwards. Some I learnt a lot from. I was even with someone for two years, and we loved each other very much. He treated me well, I was very happy. I do not regret having those other relationships - they made me smile, even now. But I read back over my posts and conversations from around 2015, and they make me smile too. Because now Iām older, calmer and mature, but that fire I had when I loved you - the ridiculous things I said and did in the name of love - itās just what you do when youāre 20, isnāt it?
If youāre ready - if you, too, have grown and matured over the past few years as I have - I will always appreciate to talk. But in any case, you were myĀ āThe Notebookā worthy love of my teens and early twenties, and I wish you well.Ā
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