Hey! I just got admitted to the masters program I applied to and I'm so excited. It's actually the same uni as my bachelor's and I'm excited to be back. They graduate social group for my major is having a mixer and I'm off that day and I kind of want to go but I'm nervous. One of my goals for this year and this semester is to try to branch out socially and make more connections. I'm trying to make friends but I feel like I end up trying too hard and I scare people off, so Im just trying to focus on making baby steps for now instead of getting my hopes up too much and disappointing myself. Anyway, I know some of these people vaguely, some of them I've had classes with in passing, some of them have organized conferences that I have (very nervously) presented at. One of them I even went to for help at our tutoring center when I was really struggling with a project and I was on the verge of a breakdown and I think they could sense it and it was all really awkward, so I'm hoping that person isn't there or maybe they don't remember me/it. I lost a lot of weight since then so I'm wondering if I'm less recognizable? My therapist said people aren't worried about me bc we are all too worried about ourselves, and she said the best way to spark conversation with people is to just ask them about themselves. Anyway, I guess wish I'm asking is: should I attend the mixer and try to make friends, and also, how do I do that? I am so so bad at small talk and I am also very shy and quiet, if that wasn't obvious. Thank you!
Congratulations! That's great! I do definitely think that you should attend the mixer and try to make friends. These are people that you'll be around for the next few years, and I think it's good to at least be friendly with them, even if you never become super close. I think your therapist is right that people tend to be too worried about themselves to be judging what other people are doing, so I wouldn't worry about people remembering you poorly. The other good news is that people tend to underestimate how much other people like them and enjoy their company - this is called the "liking gap" - so your past interactions with these other students probably went better than you're imagining they did.
In terms of how to make friends, or at least, how to make a good impression, I think this is another place where your therapist is right. In general, people like talking about themselves, and so they like people who allow them to do that. Common topics that tend to be safe are family or background ("where are you from originally/did you grow up here?"), occupation or study ("what's your focus within this program? What drew you to this field of study? What do you like about it?"), recreation ("what do you do outside of school?", "do you have any things you really love to do in this area? I'm always looking for new things to try", "do you have anything fun planned for this weekend?"), and dreams or goals ("do you know what you're hoping to do once you graduate?", "if you had unlimited money, what would you do with your time?"). These conversational topics shouldn't be like a checklist that you're running through, but rather a menu of options that you can pull from when the conversation reaches a lull.
Once you've asked a question, make sure you're really listening to the person, not just waiting to talk. Try to really focus on what they're saying instead of thinking about what you're going to say next, scanning the room, or worrying about how you're appearing. As much as you can, try not to fidget, and try to slow down. You don't need to rush to respond, and taking a beat before responding can signal to the other person that you're actually considering what they're saying. Charismatic people make the person they're talking to feel like they have their undivided and unhurried attention, and that's the goal here.
Once the person has responded, don't immediately ask another unrelated question. Instead, try to follow up on what they said. The first thing I would do is react to what they said - "that's really cool" or "that's so interesting, I hadn't thought of it like that before" or "I love that place" or whatever. Then, briefly - and the key is, briefly - share an experience of your own that relates. After that, you can either make a statement that invites a response, or you can ask them a question based on the conversational thread that you're having. A good benchmark is that you want the other person to be talking about 70% of the time, and you want to be talking the other 30%. That's not a hard and fast rule - some people are born yappers, and there's nothing wrong with that - but especially if you're feeling a bit socially awkward, that's a good place to start.
How does this look in practice? You might start by asking something like, "What drew you to this field of study?" The person might say something like, "I'm really drawn to psychology because I like being able to understand how people work". Then you might say something like, "I've never heard it described that way before, but that's the perfect way to say it. I was drawn to this program because I like the idea of helping people, so I'm interested in the clinical side of things." Then you could either follow that up with a question, like, "you said that you're interested in understanding how people work - does that mean you're more interested in uncovering the pathways that make up behavioral traits, or that you're interested in working with individuals to help them uncover their own patterns?" or a statement that invites response, like, "this program seems way more research heavy than I expected, I'm going to really have to brush up on my quantitative analysis skills". And if the person says something you don't know anything about, you can just say that: "I don't actually know much about that topic - can you walk me through the basics?"
It's also important to remember that these conversations don't have to be long or deep - they're just the first step towards building trust with a person that can eventually lead to friendship. One study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships showed that, on average, it takes 50 hours of time with a person to go from an acquaintance to a casual friend, 90 hours to go from casual friend to good friend, and then 200 hours to go from good friend to close friend. So don't worry if these interactions feel surface-level or if you walk away from the mixer not feeling like you've made a friend. That's normal, and you still have lots of time to make it to "friend" status with the people that you meet. If you do meet someone you like, you can always send them a quick follow up on Instagram or whatever - "hey, it was great meeting you last night! See you in class/hope that test doesn't kill you/something else referencing what you talked about".
The other thing I would suggest is trying to find a way to hype yourself up. People like people who like themselves, and so I would do whatever you can before the mixer to make yourself feel good in your own skin. Maybe that means taking the extra time to find an outfit that makes you feel confident, or using special products in the shower, or getting your hair done, or wearing a perfume that makes you smile, or listening to hype-up music on your way over - whatever you need to feel good. Once you get there, try to project confidence with your body language. Stand and sit upright, with your shoulders back and down. Move slowly and deliberately, and try not to fidget if you can. Maintain warm and steady eye contact when you're talking to someone - this should be about 3-5 seconds at a time before a natural break happens.
Keep your chin up, and keep your body open (no crossed arms) and turned towards the person you're talking to. Try to smile as much as you can. Speak slower than you think you need to, try to end sentences on a downward inflection, and don't rush to fill silence if there's a pause in the conversation (about four seconds of silence is when things start to feel awkward for people in most Western countries, while in Asia, it becomes awkward around eight seconds). All of these are little things, but projecting confidence will make people think you are confident, whether you actually feel it or not.
Finally, a few things that people often struggle with in conversation and what you can do instead:
Many times, people are in their own head instead of focusing on the conversation, which can come off as disinterested. Instead, try to focus all of your attention on what the other person is saying, and try to push away any other thoughts you're having.
Along with this, active listening is important in getting the other person to feel like you're engaging with them. Small nods, brief verbal acknowledgements like "mmm" or "right", or changes in your facial expression can help the person to feel heard.
People will sometimes try to go too deep too quickly. You can go deep in terms of trying to get to know someone ("what made you drawn to that field of study"/"if you had unlimited money, what would you do with your time"), but you don't want to share things that are emotionally heavy or intense right off the bat. Small talk exists to build trust, and disclosures like that will feel awkward until the scaffolding of trust is there to support it.
People who are anxious will sometimes over- or under- talk. Shoot for the 70/30 rule in terms of how much you're speaking.
Self-depricating or sarcastic humor is another one that can be difficult in casual, small-talk kind of situations. While these can feel natural to us, they can feel off-putting for the person listening. If you're the type of person who makes a lot of self-depricating comments, I would try to switch them to a sarcastic but positive version. So instead of "I'm the clumsiest person alive" you can try something like, "clearly I have the grace of a prima ballerina". It's a small change, but even just that will make it land a little better.
Finally, a big struggle some people have socially is being overly literal or missing subtext. This can be harder to deal with because it takes some practice, but there are a few things you can ask yourself to try and make sure you're accurately responding to the vibe. One is emotional tone versus literal content - does the emotion the person is displaying match the words they're saying? If there's a mismatch, the emotion the person is displaying is usually more accurate than the words they're saying. You can also take note of what people are emphasizing, returning to, or avoiding - those things are important in one way or another, and so it's good to keep them in mind when crafting your response. Another is venting versus wanting advice - often, people will offer a solution, when really the person just wants to be heard and for their feelings to be validated. I would also keep an eye out for soft invitations that are said as statements - things like "I don't really know anyone here yet" or "I'm not sure where the best hiking in the area is" are soft invitations that can allow you to say, "I'm seeing some friends later, would you want to come along?" or "I have this trail I really love and I was thinking about going tomorrow, are you free?" These types of soft invitations can help you move from being situational acquaintances to friends. Finally, I would try to ask yourself, "what is this person feeling right now" and "what do they need from this exchange". These two points can help you interact from a place of empathy, which will make the conversation feel more genuine and natural.
I know I threw a lot at you in this post, so apologies for how long it's gotten because I know it can be overwhelming. Being good at interacting with people is a skill, and as straightforward as it seems like it would be, the nuances can be complicated if you're out of practice at it. None of these are hard and fast rules, and most of the people that you meet probably won't be great at these things, either. So even just getting good at a few of these skills will likely help the interactions that you have with other people. But I do think that these are worthwhile skills to build. The older I get, the more I realize how important having a strong social network actually is, both personally and professionally, and I think it's a shame that these kind of skills aren't taught more frequently. Anyway, good luck at the mixer! Let me know how it goes!
