So for whatever reason, I can't get you out of my head today. I'm not sure why. I told you years ago that this would be the last time, that I wouldn't love you again. And I don't. I'm not even sure you ever loved me. I know you loved the idea of me. Our similarities. The way we could talk for hours. The way everything always seemed to fit so perfectly. On paper it was perfect. But you were always so unattainable, a dream, a childhood crush. I think that's why I messed it up - I was too scared. Scared that I wasn't good enough. Scared that you'd see me as too young, inexperienced, and immature. I think for awhile you really did see me like that. But time passed and I think, maybe, if only for a summer, you at least thought you loved me. My favorite part of it all was the nights I fell asleep on your chest after doing what we always did best. Honestly, I was always happiest when I was wrapped up in you. All the songs that we used to drive around listening to made sense.
I've been thinking about the lunch we had the last time I was single. How you told me you waited for me. How you missed me and you made a mistake. I sat across the table from you eating up every word you said. It made me sick knowing that you didn't listen, that you missed me. But it was in vain, it was too late and you already belonged to someone else. I told you all of these things when we sat on your bed for the last time, but you didn't listen. Maybe we would have been together now. But you're just like the rest of them. I sit and wonder if I cross any of their minds, today I wonder if I cross yours. I wonder if I really was a big love for you. If any of it was ever really as good as it was in my head. You told me once that no matter how much time passed or who we dated, it never really mattered, that we always just seemed to find our way back. I'm sure it's because we're cut from the same cloth. Sometimes I think about how toxic that was. Sometimes I miss it. To have someone understand you so completely.
I was so young when we started. I regret that the most. But now, nearly five years later, I'm sitting here thinking about the breakups, the fresh starts, the sneaking around, the late night calls, and the way you used to always have something interesting to say. Today, I miss you.
It's almost ironic that I'm writing this here, given that a post on here is what tore us apart. Well that, and my own immaturity.
Part of me will always love each of you. You were exactly there are the right time in my life, even if I couldn't see it then. Please don't mistake this post for anything more than reminiscing - I've been doing a lot of that lately. I truly love the man I'm with. I hope to be with him forever. Sometimes, I just need to write about the "what-if's". I need to get that out sometimes, otherwise I can't let it go. You know when something rattles around in your head? You can't sleep because it just seems to be stuck there. This is my release. I've missed it. And I'm incredibly thankful for the ghost from another life that showed up today to remind me of it. You know who you are - and man, just so you know, I will always and forever never know what to say to you. I don't think I've ever been so nervous talking to another human. But then again I think you might be too perfect to be real.
Isn't that the best part? The fantasy of everything. The reality is never nearly as fun.
Never grow up - it's a trap.
