Unhinged

[unhinged-daily]

some pig came knocking at my door last night, called himself “Merkimer” and demanded i hand over my hard earned teeth, claiming i “mined” them “illegally” from tooth fairies.

i’d like to clarify for all my loyal customers that i only hand pick and ethically source all my materials.

[unhinged-daily]

one of you snitched!

medical assistant will find out who, and there will be more teeth for sale..

those are two independent sentences, no connections between them.

[unhinged-daily]

Been working real hard these past 6 months, no time for internet updates, who knew this Physician job would be so demanding, even with Medical Assistant!

Anyways, i come to you with an offer you cannot refuse: those mouth bone thingies that so many of you so desperately need. They promise to reshape your ugly faces to true beauty, only the best quality, from the depths of the enchanted forests and bellies of gouty beasts! And they all must go because the Magician apparently has storage space issues (he needs more space to store his vast collection of penile implants for a “collector”).

[unhinged-daily]

This couldn’t have come at a better time, i hear the next door king is planning an invasion of the ice palace in the Arctic sea!

everyone knows that wars are toothy businesses, and it’s always better to have and not need, than need and not have.

I’m offering competitive prices too!

one for the small price of a vial of blood, 🩸

and here is the best part! it doesn’t even have to be yours!

bulk prices can be negotiated, but 43 can be bought for a low price of 1.79 souls, or a couple gallons of hair, nothing lower..

serious bidders only; Medical Assistant doesn’t have time to dilly dally with prepubescent fairies!

[unhinged-daily]

Been working real hard these past 6 months, no time for internet updates, who knew this Physician job would be so demanding, even with Medical Assistant!

Anyways, i come to you with an offer you cannot refuse: those mouth bone thingies that so many of you so desperately need. They promise to reshape your ugly faces to true beauty, only the best quality, from the depths of the enchanted forests and bellies of gouty beasts! And they all must go because the Magician apparently has storage space issues (he needs more space to store his vast collection of penile implants for a “collector”).

[unhinged-daily]

Met a lobster in a lab coat at the Dreamland Magical Malpractice Conference.

Introduced himself as “Doctor Zoidberg.” Shook my hand with a claw. Smelled like iodine and sadness.

We exchanged medical philosophies, like “Why not Zoidberg?”, and “Oops.”

Bonded over not being invited back next year.

[unhinged-daily]

Saw a cat today.

Didn’t trust it.

Might be a familiar. Might be my supervisor.

It blinked at me like it knew where the bones were buried.

I nodded back. We are now in a legally binding pact.

Anyway, I’m naming it Medical Assistant.

[unhinged-daily]

Chazzzzzzz.

Yes, with seven z’s.

Recently reassigned from Eternal Paperwork Duties to Court Physician. I have no qualifications.

Reporting directly to the magician. I assume this involves potions, incantations, and light stabbing.

Former greeter, part-time jail warden, full-time menace.

If you’re bleeding, I’ll write you a song about it.

Still not entirely sure what a spleen does, but I’ve removed five this week.

Science is just magic with paperwork.

Dreamland’s health is in my hands now. You’re all doomed.

[unhinged-daily]

Thrilled to announce my latest career pivot: I’ve been appointed Court Physician under the esteemed magician here in Dreamland.

Do I have medical training? No.

Do I have enthusiasm, unearned confidence, and a drawer full of sharp objects? Absolutely.

After years of loyal service as Official Greeter, Dungeon Attendant, and Misplaced Skeleton Archivist, I’m ready to bring that same chaotic energy to the noble field of medicine.

Here’s to potions, incantations, and figuring out where the organs go—on the job.

Let the healing begin.

[unhinged-daily]

Chazzzzzzz.

Yes, with seven z’s.

Recently reassigned from Eternal Paperwork Duties to Court Physician. I have no qualifications.

Reporting directly to the magician. I assume this involves potions, incantations, and light stabbing.

Former greeter, part-time jail warden, full-time menace.

If you’re bleeding, I’ll write you a song about it.

Still not entirely sure what a spleen does, but I’ve removed five this week.

Science is just magic with paperwork.

Dreamland’s health is in my hands now. You’re all doomed.