I love the last part of this confession, but I'm sorry, I still don't understand the mindset of the first half. Even with your explanation.
I DO sympathize how intimidating joining this hobby can be. It's crazy expensive for someone who has never dropped that kind of money on a "toy" before, especially when it seems like there's a fountain of information you haven't even begun to access. How can you know what you do or don't like if you can't see it in person first? What if you break or ruin this incredibly expensive thing you just bought? What if you wire your money to some overseas company and never see it again? What if a million things go wrong???
Well...that's how it was before recasts. And even though it sucked, the truth is, we all figured it out anyway. I bought my first doll over a DECADE ago, when Instagram didn't even exist and Facebook was just starting out. Yeah, I know, I'm waving my cane and shouting 'back in my day!', but back then I was also probably around your age, young with barely a shred of income that I certainly didn't want to lose on something that was a scam. There was literally ONLY DoA and a super tiny handful of folks on Youtube to find information, and that was pretty much it. If I was lucky I got to see a few doll sizes and sculpts in person at meet-ups to help guide me on which size I might prefer, and when I finally saved up all my birthday and graduation money to buy my very first $250 DoD, I still had to ask my sister to help me send the funds to buy him because I was clueless about how to even begin buying something online, and her account got flagged because she'd never sent that much money out of the country before.
It was really scary to even dip my toe into this hobby. There was so much I just didn't GET. But all in all, I still did it anyway. Just like ALL of us still did it anyway, because recasts didn't exist and we had to figure it out somehow and take that chance on something that was truly special to us.
So even though I can completely understand why it can be so scary to jump in and buy your first doll, I just can't get behind any of these justifications. So you make a mistake? Buy the wrong size or stain your doll or whatever? That sucks. But that's also life. And there's almost always a way to fix those mistakes, it just takes time and research.
I don't mean for this to come off as harsh. I truly don't. But I don't think my experience is a singular one. When I first joined the hobby I was surrounded by other newbies as nervous and broke as I was, but we were all in it together trying to figure out how to save up and reach our goals of obtaining our dream dolls. Buying legit was our only choice, and even though it's 100% harder than buying a recast, we didn't give up and move onto something else that was easier. And that's how it still should be.
Sometimes you have to dive in without knowing everything first. And today there is SO much more access to information, photos and videos than there were only ten years ago. I'm not saying there still isn't going to be unknowns, and it's incredibly common for many people not to keep their first doll. But I can't help but feel that's the nature of this hobby, and perhaps, many hobbies.
All that being said, I'm glad you don't hate yourself. No one should ever HATE themselves over a genuine mistake, and that's not the type of behavior we should be encouraging.
