A post to help me sleep better
It’s just one of those very shitty days and I don’t feel like doing anything but cry in my bed. That’s pretty much what I’ve done besides going to class.
All I do right now is Class, Homework, eat or sleep. I get that this how it has to be right now as a uni student but I’m getting tired and sick of it. Oh, you ask why I don’t work? well, the thing is, that I’ve applied to 25 different places but since Switzerland is in such a shitty economic situation, they don’t really accept student’s applications. Which is awesome, right? well no.
I got back from my semester abroad in Texas and kinda knew that it would get hard. I didn’t realize how hard it would get. The whole time I was there, I felt sad and lacked of energy. I thought that it would be a combination between my celiac disease, culture shock and home sickness. Getting back home now, I know that it has been depression, anxiety and ADHD all the time. I was not aware how fast you could get so sad and unmotivated to do stuff. The whole time I was there, I just wanted to get home and be with my boyfriend who has been so wonderful to me this whole time. It got that far, that I went to the gym 5 times a week just to get distracted. The rest of the time I spent in my dorm room in a little fort I built to have some privacy from my annoying room mate. The last week of being there, I was so proud of myself that I got a tattoo. Three little dots on my ankle that are supposed to represent that better times will come.
When I got back, I was first of all shocked on how my parents still were treating me like a little girl. I had lived on an other continent by myself for 6 months and get back to my parents telling me what I’m allowed to do and what not. For me, this was a sign to finally move out and ,lucky for me, my boyfriend was also into that. The summer I spent working at a local supermarket. The whole time I was working there, my boyfriend was in Miami learning English which didn’t really help my situation. I went to work, came home and spent my nights crying in bed and not knowing what to do. He came back early to help me out. I was so happy to finally have him with me after those 8 months we’ve only seen each other for 4 weeks. But I felt like something had to happen. I could not be this sad all the time and not go out like the past 10 years of my life.
I decided to go to a psychiatrist who then diagnosed me with ADHD, depression and severe anxiety. I’m trying out medications right now but to be completely honest, it does not seem to work to great. I can say that it has improved my focus in uni and with homework and with my anxiety but as far as my depression goes, I really can’t feel a difference.
My boyfriend thinks that it’s not depression. He thinks that it has to do with my parents. Since I can’t get a job, they’ve been financing everything I do. They pay my rent and help me pay for my food. Since I worked over the summer, I had some money left on my bank account but it’s almost out now. It’s the 8th of the month now and I’m already down to less than 20 bucks left. One thing you need to know about me is, that I’m not that much of a spender. I don’t like to buy myself stuff. I’d rather buy something for someone else or invest in an activity. This month, I haven’t really done either of those and still, money seems to just fly out of my account. I can’t even afford to buy myself lunch outside of my house anymore.
I am getting really annoyed at my parents. I have a little brother. He’s always been the “ideal” child. Always good grades, talented at everything and everybody’s favorite. I felt so stupid when my parents only talked about him being the one with the super high IQ and the one that taught himself how to play the guitar. It kinda made me hate myself. My grades got worse and worse since it felt like it was not worth actually trying. I played the violin for quite some time but after my brother got so good at the guitar, my parents only went to his concerts and mine were on a weekend “when they already had plans”. I seemed and still seem to be the kid that only costs. When I failed some of my exams last semester, there was no “oh you’ll get it next time” or “oh I’m so sorry. Are you ok?”. I got a “so how many semesters do I still have to pay for now?” and a “you should have studied way more. I could have told you that you’d fail” from my parents. When I talk to them about this, they don’t listen or get super angry at me for bringing it up. “What can we do about it? You’re old enough!” or “Do you know how I feel when you tell me you’re not well?”. I feel worthless sometimes, like everything I do is just not right. On the other hand, we have my brother who is not allowed to go to the military and moves out 2 years earlier than planned. Which seems to be a problem, I have to “pay” for by getting a restriction from my parents to not get any more money. I got told that we had to see how much it costs to live on my own and then decide how much money I’d get. This plan got totally dumped after my brother got the results on his military career and now starts to study earlier.
He seems to just live on their pocket. When I went to high school, I got the opportunity to take a trip to China and so did he now. I don’t blame him for going or my parents paying for it, I blame him for taking it for granted. He is going on a trip to america soon, which my parents are also paying for. They are also paying all of his driving lessons (which I had to pay half of mine), and as it seems, also a trip he’s planning to take this summer. He is in fact also moving out this summer and is not looking for a job. While he’s living a divine life, I am looking for jobs, trying to do well in uni and trying to make the most of the money have. When my brother came here to visit me in my new apartment, he felt like home, opened every cabinet and complained about the pull out sofa we have, while I was paying for everything.
Something happened today that made me have a major relapse. My mom told me, that if I’m home for the weekend and wanna cook for me and my brother, she’s only gonna pay for half of the food. I was and am still so shocked, that I have been questioning everything since then. Am I even welcome back home? Am I even allowed to drink something there or do I have to ask every time I wanna have something? I thought this place was still my home... While I’m struggling with money and they’re telling me that it’s a hard time for them too, they buy a new car, book holidays on another continent and buy my brother new clothes for 200 bucks. I feel left out and not part of that family anymore.
It’s not like I’m not trying to get a job. I don’t fail my classes on purpose. I’m not the one that decided that celiac disease is now in my body and causes that I have to buy more expensive food. It’s not my fault that my brother is studying earlier that planned. It’s not me that made all the student jobs so hard to get. It’s just not my fault. Or is it?
All I’m doing now is laying in my bed, crying from time to time and hoping that I will finally wake up from this nightmare. Props to my boyfriend to keep up with me though. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. He’s helping me as good as he can, talking to me, calming me down and not getting tooooo angry at my mood swings. He’s as mad and sad at my parents as I am btw since they are the reason I feel like this right now. And I’m writing this post to let all my feelings out so I can kinda sleep after one of the worst days I ever had. Sorry to bother your feeds y’all... Sleep well! x
