I lost. I really lost. This’ll explain my hiatus from frev I guess. Just came back to this account to vent. My TMJ got worse. Splints made it worse. I have severe lockjaw. Surgery is risky. I’ve lost weight since I’ve avoided nearly everything that requires chewing.
I finally went to my family doctor to be referred to dermatologist and the wait is 3 years for my chronic skin condition. In the mean time I get prescribed steroids again, a bandaid fix after already suffering major irreversible skin thinning as a result of using it long term for years. My hair has fallen out.
Now I have SRS (Slipping Rib) and it’s so unknown, under-diagnosed and misdiagnosed that ChatGPT can’t find credible papers on it and the few research is no help. Surgery is a thing but only 2-4 credible doctors exist for it and they’re not in my country. SRS surgery is largely “experimental” and invasive (requires completely removing the lower ribs. There’s a chance it’ll get worse and the risk is high. Plus, I don’t have money to travel.
I can’t lay on my stomach. I can’t bend, twist or rest on my sides. Breathing hurts, coughing, laughing and sneezing is painful. It burns. My ribs pop out of place every time. I’ve been forced to sleep like a coma patient on my back with no movement whatsoever for months now. I can’t slouch either.
There’s no chance for it to heal how it use to be before. Damaged cartilage doesn’t fix itself like muscle. Like enamel. When it’s gone it’s gone.
Sometimes I think I’m dying. I’ve cried enough every single day to be able to fill a mason jar halfway and I can’t even do it properly because I need to avoid breathing in too deeply.
Why is SRS under-researched and not a priority? Well because apparently it doesn’t lead to deaths.
Then there’s my ETD and the constant tinnitus that drives me mad. It’s never ending. Day and I night I hear it. Sometimes I wonder how I’ve kept my sanity this long.
In bed, stiff as a cardboard, staring at the ceiling and listening to a continuous hospital flatline.
I have 10 chronic conditions. How am I alive? Is it luck? Resilience? Doubt it.
If I can pray and make it all go away I’d be the fastest believer in the world. I’d trade an online argument and everything about myself being insulted by a hundred people on the internet just to be completely cured of everything.
Incurable and “manageable” are the worst words in the English language. Manageable mostly because there’s boatloads of money, time, debt, and inconvenience involved.
I lost. I really lost. It’s over.
