Ted 2: What if Ted and John were the stars of other classic bromance movies? Those films would be insane!
The “Ted” franchise is only two-films old, yet the friendship between Ted (Seth MacFarlane) and John (Mark Wahlberg) is already stacking up with the very best bromances in the world of cinema.
The high level of bromantic chemistry begs the question: What if, instead of Marty and Doc, and Jake and Elwood, we had Ted and John in those classic roles? With John and Ted as the lead bros, would the plots change?
Hell yeah, they’d be insane. Let’s dive in.
Fight Club:
John is the hopeless narrator, who (MAJOR SPOILER ALERT) is also Tyler Durden. But because we don’t know this from the outset, Ted is Tyler Durden, who is more of a lover than a fighter. Instead of Fight Club, they’d call if F-Club, an excuse for bros and gals to secretly meet and hook up so they don’t have to rely on porn. Eventually F Club becomes so popular it becomes Tinder, the narrator becomes self-aware, Tyler Durden becomes real, and the bros get rich. But Bob still has b*tch t*ts and that annoying Marla Singer is replaced with Sam L. Jackson (the hot lawyer, not the guy who wants the MF snakes off the MF plane).
Shaun of the Dead:
A slacker, retail sales dude with a vulgar sidekick? This one’s right up John and Ted’s alley. In the Ted-ified version, John is Shaun and Ted is Ed — fits perfectly, doesn’t it? — and instead of drowning their sorrows at the Winchester, John and Ted move to Colorado, where weed is legal. But Donny has finally succeeded in harnessing Ted’s powers for Hasbro, and of course their plan to create a new species of humanized Teds goes horribly awry, unleashing a wave of lifelike teddy bear zombies. John saves the world by capturing, reproducing and injecting Tom Brady’s super sperm into a new super gun to fire at the zombies.
Back to the Future:
John is Marty, it’s 2015 and he wants to travel to 2045, believing that in 30 years marijuana will surely be legal and porn will be in virtual reality. So that makes Ted Doc, who, like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, realizes he’s had the power to do practically anything all along, and can easily transport the guys three decades into the future. Hey, when you’re a walking, talking, sarcastic bear, the leap to powerful mad scientist isn’t a huge stretch. All their dreams come true, and Marty doesn’t even have to fall in love with his own mom. Donny is still Biff though, and tries (unsuccessfully) to make life hell for the boys.
Shawshank Redemption:
John is Andy, who has been sent to prison for theft, marijuana possession and indecent exposure (he never thought to draw the shades). In the slammer, he meets Red, now played by Ted, the grizzled prison veteran who knows the ropes. Things get complicated when Andy hires Patrick Meighan as his lawyer, who meets Red/Ted and figured he’s stumbled into a bizarro alternate universe. Red and Andy ultimately fall in love (bromances tend to accelerate in prison) and get married.
Wedding Crashers:
In this bromantic comedy, John is John (of course) and Ted is Jeremy (the Vince Vaughn character). But rather than being a pair of divorce mediators, this time around they’re human rights attorneys. After spending their 9-to-5 doing good for society, they need an outlet. And since crashing weddings is both easy and passe, they’ve moved on to crashing death beds. Trolling local hospitals for despondent and vulnerable widows-to-be leaves room for Chazz to keep working funerals. Catching on to their antics, Christopher Walken returns as William Cleary, who is now Secretary of Health and Human Services. Cleary promises to legalize weed if the bros quit scamming hopeless widows and agree to defend his daughter Gloria, whose sexual appetite has been so outrageous lately that she’s been labeled - not unlike Ted - as “property".
Blues Brothers:
Ted is sooo Jake and John is sooo Elwood. In this reimagined tale, the bros have to raise $5 million for BFF Tom Brady’s legal defence. Jobless, friendless, penniless, and Gisele-less, Brady has been found guilty of umpteen counts of cheating. Jake and Elwood are his only friends left. In order to raise the money, the boys will need to turn their heckling talents into a new comedy troupe, touring the comedy clubs with their Bluesmobile (a bong-shaped Dodge Dart) and making people laugh one city at a time. Tami-Lynn takes over for Carrie Fisher as the mystery woman, whose mission is to follow the boys and heckle them by any means necessary.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles:
In keeping with the spirit of filmmaker John Hughes, the John/Ted version still takes place in the 80s and doesn’t stray too far from the original. But the film is now called PT&A, with the emphasis on the T&A. John is Neal, a high-strung porn studio marketing exec in search of the next great porn star. Ted is Del, a can’t-shut-him-up marijuana paraphernalia salesman. Neal needs to get home to Boston for Thanksgiving and meets up with Del on a plane. Their shared love for weed puts them on a trippy three-day adventure where they find not only the solution to their problems, but, more importantly, themselves. The film wouldn’t be complete without the scene in the hotel room where Neal grabs Del (remember, he’s still a teddy bear), shoves him between his legs for comfort, and their eyes open wide with disgust. “Those aren’t pillows" has an entirely new meaning.
Own Ted 2 Unrated now on Blu-ray & Digital HD.
