d e v o n
EXPECTATIONS
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@universeofchirai
fwump
no I really don't know what that sound means at all but imagine a little blob like thing but with an extended body of sorts just emerging out of a little portal out of nowhere and they're here to just rant/share/bullshit their time through. someday I'll pmuwf myself and that'd be that.
I'll write 'ow' for each time my heartache hurts me. After my girlfriend convinced me, I'm trying to not give in to my heartaches for the first time, and I can't believe how fucking difficult it fucking is. And to be very honest, there's a big part of me that doesn't think it's really that harmful.
To give more context, I developed this... way of inflicting pain to myself as somewhat of a way of dealing with negative emotions, since my childhood. This way included me feeling like my heart is being stabbed repeatedly in (OW) at one go... uh like consecutively stabbed essentially. From the inside. And it Physically Hurts. The pain gradually spreads to the rest of my body and even my fingertips and I can feel the throbbing pain in waves throughout my entire body, giving me a visceral combination of euphoric pleasure and (literally) heart wrenching pain.
It sort of developed on its own retrospectively speaking. I always associated it with the utter failure of my (stupid) first crush followed by my decision to build a world (ow) in my head (ow) (ow...) (ok it hurts) (ow) (OW) (ok shdup dawg) (ow) to make a re(ow) (oof i literally can't write)...
To build a world in my head (ow) (I just need to write fast) (ow) to work around not having anyone to talk to. (OW) (ok this is hard to write if I follow the rule I set for myself)
(ow.) ow. ya like queue it some 10 times on repeat.
So (ow) I b (ow) oooof. Okay I think I'll have to break the rule. I can't talk about this without feeling my heartache. Ok fuck me. I'm basically feeling the heartache throughout writing this next para. I'll resume the rule after that.
I created a reality in my head acknowledging that all of these (majorly one active character and other passive characters) are fictional and always will stay like that (yea this one kills me every single time). And guess what, uh... it worked!
lol
well kinda at least.
I got through 10 years of school. I got a best friend late next year, someone I could finally talk to about anything and everything. (I've resumed the rule) What that reality helped me in was getting through anything and everything without having (ow) to rely on anyone cause (ow) well I didn't exactly have that option. I wasn't close to my parents and I never felt comfortable to be. So yeah (ow) I was uh kinda stuck w myself.
I didn't hate myself really, I loathed myself, for a fair amount of time. I had my misanthropes phase. Ugh I digress.
Dug out my posca markers. Haven't used them in years and they are surprisingly not dried out! :o
photo (1st image) scan (second image)
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Gate
Hi, it's been a while because I forgot tumblr
my piece for the ani-may scroll show at nucleus house portland!
this sirene wall scroll will be a limited edition of 25 🖤 the show is running from now through to june 1st!
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okay yk what, fuck everything, ima start producing music from today lol, day 1 here we go :)))))))
first drafting
yk I should just post first drafts and shit, like just kinda yap whatever the fuck cause I don't got any time or energy at this point of my life to give in to actually make good content or anything. There's something about having a random blog on the web that probably noone will look so appealing. Well anyway, doesn't matter, I can just write mostly whatever the fuck. Tumblr is such a perfect blogging place tho - like if you have the time and will to spend making a blog, you can make one that looks really fucking good bcs you can basically change how the entire website looks cause you have control over all the html and stuff.
Art by xiaoyu huang
DRAGONS.
so there's this person, a good friend of mine, that I've been hanging out with quite often. We used to hang out alright usually but one day, I don't know why or how but I ended up holding their hand and they didn't mind. Since then, I've been a little cuddly with said person and that has given me unprecedented comfort. As a person whose love language is very much so touch, being able to just cuddle with someone makes my day, simply put.
Now here's the issue, I think I might be enjoying their comfort a bit too much. I have been seeking their comfort more regularly and I'm talking everyday. They don't mind. That is very scary. I don't want to be reliant on someone. I'm so very scared of that. Please.
I even had urges to just have a kiss which is extremely worrying cause I don't know if I want to feel more than being friends with them. I just don't know. Not even talking about other complications. Geez, I really do not know and am confused about things in general rn.
been a while since I wrote but man do I fucking absolutely love holding hands and just being cuddly, be it platonic romantic anything, being cuddly is the best thing ever. There's this friend of mine who doesn't mind holding hands and does in fact themselves do so and that has been alarmingly one of my favourite things. I am just extremely touch deprived. Being a person whose love language is very properly touch is horrible. It's the hardest to satisfy for me cause I am bitchless af, I guess gifts are also kinda hard but still.
I just wanna hug someone tight and feel comfortable. If someone gives me a long tight hug and not let me go, I'll literally cry because I want that so so so sooo much but it's just never easy or even possible to get. It makes me really really sad. All of this is why me liking their touch is so alarming - I do something I never ever do and never wish to - I rely on them for sustenance. That, is so dangerous and I am extremely terrified of that idea. Extremely.
Ah I just wanna have a fucking girlfriend so that I don't have to worry so much about all this shit yaar, cause if and when that person gets in a relationship, I won't have them to be around so often and so much anymore, which is just so sad. Well I'm glad about how things currently are tho. I still want a hug, tho, a strong embrace, a long one too.
yk I really wish I had someone to share basically everything about my life, mostly small things and stuff, just for fun and cause I can. I ain't yet comfortable w sharing that way w anyone, except maybe one or two but actually starting to share- idk if I wanna do that. I just don't know.
I was so shiny in the sunshine today, she had to take a photo.
oh man this picture feels so specifically homely for no apparent reason. I think it's the imperfect yet so very pleasant and warm a picture that gets me.
Aerial Venice by li moly
I think I'll seriously start reblogging art and stuff as well.
ngl herre's a small confession - I feel much MUCH safer around women than around men. Probably has to do with the fact that I was bullied for like most of my school life. Regardless, another truth is, if I could, I would've definitely chosen to be a female. Right now, I am not uncomfortable with who I am but seriously, I would definitely take the pill to be female.
I have a major cat infestation on my tumblr, also I think tumblr thinks I'm a girl probably (far from being the first one to think so anyway).
Regardless, it's clear, I break down on some days :/ like I just couldn't do anything yesterday and all I felt was a need for someone close I could hug really and idk. Not a good day, horrible actually. I do feel exceptionally lonely. sigh.
well again, I usually just accept it get on w it cause what else could I do. MAN tho I want someone I can be fucking close to so I can actually like have some external support on such days and hopefully be able to get some work done. Heck I even tried calling out for help but it either got ignored or responded w smth silly and essentially ignored.
well anyway yesterday's behind me, nothing is curing my loneliness or need for someone idk who, but, well new day I'm all fine to work and I fucking will you bet.
You fucking bet. I have not given up on these midsems. Fuck it we're fucking getting this right and we are FUCKING WINNING THIS.
