Kleo! @unknownpersonwithaknife - Tumblr Blog

⁀➴☕︎ | This too, shall pass

Warnings: death, hurt/comfort, angst if you squint, mentions of self-harm. wc: 4.8k

When you first receive the call, you're having a completely uneventful and dull day. The sun is so bright, it's sweltering and the popsicle you'd bought had half melted down your arm before you could finish it. You're volunteering at the pet shelter both of you frequented, tending to a golden retriever that you always said reminded you of him, one you'd both fondly named "Apple" and one he'd promised to adopt once he returned from where he was deployed.

"This is she" You'd been giggling because Apple wouldn't stop licking your face, half distracted from the call where someone had quietly asked to speak to you "Who is this?"

The door to the shelter opens with a bang and only then do you look up, from where you've been sitting on the floor for too long. Apple, who got tired of your non-responsive self had given up and curled on your lap. Your palm is still tightly wrapped around your phone like it's the only lifeline you have. The only tether to this world before you pass over to the unknown.

You feel arms wrapping around you, trying to lift you off the floor but your knees give in, unable to hold your weight. They hadn't been able to survive the weight of the news you'd just received and certainly couldn't support you now. Your phone clatters to the floor and it's silent. Too silent. The slight buzzing of the insects in the summer and the tinkle of a windchime carries through the wind. It was supposed to be a completely normal day. You were going to go home, pick up that trashy romance book you'd been reading all day and eat the remaining ice-cream in your fridge.

Instead you're shaking, unable to comprehend a single thought. Your breathing is coming in short pants, your throat is parched and your mind is running a hundred miles a minute, incapable of grasping what you'd heard.

It's only when warm arms wrap around you, pulling you into their embrace that a sob wrecks your body, violent in its attack. It creeps up on you, the grief. The disbelief that it had happened is the thought that's at the foremost of your mind.

It can't be true, right? He was full of life. Of youth. He was stronger, more capable than any other man you'd ever known. To be kind, to be gentle despite all the suffering he'd gone through was no easy feat. He'd conquered it all. There was simply no way what you'd heard was the truth. Surely they were mistaken?

As you stand in your mourning clothes while the Captain of the Fleet hands you his neatly folded uniform, the tear marks are still fresh on your cheeks. As is the shock. The clothes weigh nothing and yet the burden they carry far outweigh what you can shoulder. The dog tag glints, reflecting the grey clouds that have rolled in. His name and number are clearly visible on it. And still, you believe. That it is all a big misunderstanding. If he could cheat death once and escape unscathed, surely he could do it again?

The ceremony commences and you stand quietly, back ramrod straight. You're his only listed family, the only one who would mourn him, would carry his memory in all her years to come. His men salute, guns are aimed straight at the sky, there's a fly-past, Gideon is at the forefront placing his crest on the coffin, jabbing it into the wood with his fist. Your eyes snag on the picture they've chosen to display.

He's smiling, wearing his fighter pilot gear. For a brief moment, it lifts the corner of your lips. That's the energy that he radiated. He loves flying, you could always tell that.

Your mouth downturns. He loved flying.

Your Caleb loved to soar.

It's started to rain and the ceremony is wrapping up. One soldier places the flag of the Fleet in your arms, and the weight takes you down with it. Men are saluting his coffin, the military band plays on in the background and you don't care, scrambling to your feet and launching yourself straight at his casket.

"Take him out!" You're banging at the wood, fists burning as you repeatedly pound against it "He's claustrophobic! Take him out right now!"

An arm wraps around your middle, hauling you back but you refuse to go down easy as you scratch at the surface "He doesn't like closed places!" You're kicking and clawing at the arms pulling you back as you wail over and over "Take him out! Take him out right now! Take him out..."

Long after the crowd disperses, you're still sitting by the freshly covered grave. There's soil on your legs, the flag is on your back, fingers pulling at the surrounding grass. You've been drenched too long for it to be healthy, shivering even longer. Every few minutes, your eye catches the engraving and the waterworks pour anew.

Sitting beside you, also completely soaked is Dr. Zayne Li. The one who found you crumpled on the floor of the shelter. The one who arranged all the traveling at a moment's notice, packed your bags for you and let you shut off your brain as you mourned. The one who hauled you back lest you disturb Caleb in his sleep, wouldn't let him pass over peacefully. He hasn't said a word since he delivered a heartfelt eulogy during the service and carefully guided you back to your seat when you couldn't manage to get a single word out during your turn.

For long months post- an incident you still couldn't name- you become a shell of the person you used to be. You scroll back years in your chat with him just to hear his voice in old voicemails. Reread the letters he'd sent to you during his deployments enough times for the paper to crease through. Everytime your front door opens, your head pops up like he's about to walk in and everything will go back to how it was.

It's not easy to cope. Time might heal these wounds but time is expendable. Days feel like months dragging on, hours feel like years and when you look back, you can't believe it's been six months already when every waking hour was spent in anguish. The misery feels just as fresh, just as new. The wound feels like it's been gnawed open too many times.

You still stock up on his favorite ice-cream. Write him letters that you can't post. The box full of his stuff is still lying in your garage because you loathe the idea of parting with it, let alone selling or donating it. You stay up till the sun comes up bingewatching his favorite documentaries in his sweatshirt that still smells faintly of cedar, musk and something that was so uniquely him. You burst into tears at a traffic light when his favorite song comes on the radio. Your shoulders shake with the force of your sobs as you eat his favorite takeout order in the parking lot. The beer lying in your fridge has gone stale because you don't drink but someone used to and loving them meant paying attention.

Every part of your home had Caleb around. He'd helped you fix the frames lining your walls, he's in majority of the photos as well. He'd bought the throw pillows that decorated your couch because you kept hoarding the others. The book he'd brought with him last time and forgotten still rests on your bedside table. His old hoodies that you'd stolen still hang in your closet. His orange mug still rests in your cabinet. Spare clothes he'd left at your place still neatly occupying spaces in your drawers. The fridge magnet he'd brought back with him from a deployment still rests there, front and center. But you can't stop missing him, can't stop being miserable. In the 200 days he's been gone, not a single day has been easy to get by and you're not sure how much longer you can take.

Your final straw turns out to be the pipe in your bathroom breaking again and instead of calling the plumber or the landlord or doing any kind of damage control, you sit there in the spray and wail at the unfairness of the world. Did they really have to take so much from two children who hadn't had anything to begin with? Knees pulled to your chest, body rocking back and forth you wish to just drown in the water and never come back up for air.

It's how Zayne finds you. Exhausted and dry heaving once the well of tears dries up with your entire bathroom flooded. Like always, he doesn't say a word, no reprimand, not a single chastising word as he steps into the water, his neatly pressed trousers getting drenched almost immediately. He merely grabs your arms and helps you up before swinging you into his arms and stepping out.

"There's someone here to meet you" He says, carrying you downstairs and your heart lurches for one hopeful moment. At Zayne's grim expression, it settles back down into its usual torment. He carries you out into the backyard and the moment you lay sights on him, he comes barreling towards you.

Zayne lets you down only for you to be tackled to the ground by Apple, licking your face and pawing at you before you can recover. He doesn't give you any room to escape, his entire body weight pinning you down and before you can help it, the sound escapes you.

You're laughing at his antics, running your fingers through his fur and cooing at him. When you sit up, the dog is nuzzling his head against your neck as you hug him close. If you close your eyes and pretend, Caleb really is closer than you thought he was.

You're still playing with Apple in the backyard when Zayne rejoins you a half hour later, sleeves rolled up and the entire front of his shirt soaked through. At your questioning look, he explains as he sits down next to you "Fixed the pipe for now but I've called the plumber to replace it so he should be here tomorrow around noon" You nod, scratching behind Apple's ears, your heart sinking again. Caleb used to fix the faulty stuff around your house too. You look down at Apple and hug him close again.

Apple doesn't magically heal your wounds. But he does make it bearable. Zayne, bless him, is patient and caring but you feel suffocated under his care. Especially since you're in no position to be offering it back to him in same measure. For the first couple months, he'd stepped down as Chief Cardiac Surgeon and taken time off from the hospital to be at your beck and call. Not that you had said more than a dozen words to him during that period. But he was always there in the background, making sure you ate more than a few spoonfuls of your food, always placing a steaming cup of tea in your palms whenever you were too lost in thought to move from a place for hours together. He applied for special leave on your behalf with the association and you still don't know how he convinced Jenna to give you so much time off. Because you'd never asked. You didn't ask Zayne for a single thing and he still did it all anyway.

Whenever it rained, you lay outside in the grass and felt it seep into your skin. Your earliest memory of getting drenched in the rain was with Caleb, it was the time you felt closest to him.

When the droplets that had been drowning you pause, your eyes snap open to see an umbrella shielding you. The dusk partially obscures the person's face and for one, heart wrenching moment you think it's Caleb as you jerk into a sitting position, wiping the water out of your eyes. It's hard to keep the disappointment off your face when you notice Zayne.

It had happened too often that you wondered if you were truly that far gone. Everytime your front door unlocked and you went running with your heart filled with hope, it died a slow death at the sight of Zayne taking off his shoes. You would be watching a show with him and out of your periphery, you'd do a double take. They looked so alike, their build was nearly the same that you'd often mistaken him for Caleb.

Your worst moment, by far, was calling Zayne by his name.

It had come so naturally to you. Zayne had asked you if you wanted something from the grocery store "Cereal" was all you'd said.

He'd almost been out of the door when you remembered you didn't have milk either "Caleb wait!" You'd rounded the banister as Zayne was putting on his shoes and your heart dropped immediately at the realization.

Zayne's expression didn't change. Completely unfazed, he plucked his coat off the hanger and shrugged it on "Did you forget something?"

You don't know what hurt more. Caleb not being here or Zayne giving you an easy out. His patience with you was endless. It made your heart squeeze painfully.

On Caleb's birthday, you still bake an apple pie that stays untouched on the counter all day long. Nearing midnight, you stick a candle into it but there's no one to make wishes. No one you can grant wishes for. You watch the candle flickering; every wax drop suspended in a moment of time that you wish you could recover. When the candle dies out, you murmur a happy birthday in remembrance because he lives on. In your heart, in your memories and among the crevices of every part of your life. As the clock strikes twelve, you dig in. Finish the entire pie. Because he would've.

Going back to work had been monotonous. You were there, present physically and so far above the clouds mentally. Your Captain noticed the change almost immediately after your first low-stakes mission. You'd not tried to defend yourself against the monster and if Xavier hadn't stepped in when he did, you'd have been slain through. Jenna could tell you'd hoped for that outcome more. So she puts you on administrative duty, confined to desk work. Zayne picks you up from work and even opens the door of the car for you. Your breaking point is when he hands you your favorite milkshake once you're seated. You burst into tears, sobbing as the cup wavers in your hand, so miserable that you want to tie yourself down with a rock and throw yourself into the ocean.

"I'm sorry" You tell Zayne who is quiet, contemplative. He's rubbing circles on your back as you calm down and your quiet apology gives him pause.

"What for?"

"For...this" You gesture around vaguely "You're so tolerant despite all the temper tantrums I've thrown and all the sob fests and I'm... I'm sorry I've subjected you to those for the past few months"

He says nothing for a few moments, clearly measuring his words when he finally speaks "You're grieving. You never should have to apologise for that" Tucking your hair behind your ear, he's lowering his face till he's eyelevel with you "Okay?" He's only satisfied when you nod in understanding "Take as much time as you need, I'm right here"

Zayne drops you off for work in the morning and picks you up in the evenings. He cooks you dinner, cleans up after himself, makes a note and restocks your supplies whenever they're about to run out. On weekends, he takes you to visit Apple and when you make up your mind, he files all the documentation you need to adopt Apple like Caleb had wanted to.

When the first anniversary of his death rolls around, you're not sure you're strong enough to visit him. You've stopped crying at the drop of a hat like you used to but the pain hasn't subsided in the slightest. When you reach the cemetry, the stone is cool to the touch and it's cloudy like even the skies know that it's a mourning period. You place the flowers over the green grass, light incense sticks and sit down. There's so much to say but no words could possibly suffice for how much you missed him. How big the chasm in your chest was. How some days had become bearable and others had you shutting yourself in your room for days. Endless days that bled into nights, spent staring out of your window and praying he'd be back. Even if it was impossible.

You're resting your forehead on the gravestone, softly kissing it goodbye as you get up to leave, fingers running over the engraving, making you feel blue all over again.

Here lies,

Caleb Xia

Beloved mentor, friend and brother

"This is so depressing" You huff out a pathetic laugh, rubbing your arms to ward off the chill in the air as you look around the cemetry. He was buried between strangers "How would he rest easy this way?"

Zayne is putting his coat over your shoulders, also looking around before a soft sigh escapes his lips. He pats the stone, whispering "Let me know if you need anything" and smiling a small, gentle smile. Was that an inside joke you weren't privy to?

The next morning, Zayne shows up with gardening tools and a sapling, dragging you out into your backyard while you're still in your pajamas.

"Zayne" You sigh, looking at him setting down everything he'd bought "What are we doing?"

"Planting a tree" He smiles "For Caleb. Right here at home so he's always home and close"

With the remnants of last night's rain shower still fresh, the smell of soil and grass so prominent as the sun shines bright above you both, you look into Zayne's gleaming orbs and for the first time in a long while, feel determined to do something. You help him dig up the area, mix the manure and plant the sapling. Later on, when you suggest getting a board for an engraving, Zayne is already putting his coat on to go looking.

"Come on" He says.

And that, Zayne not treating you like you were breakable was probably why you had been able to get by all these months. He'd given you all the space you needed to heal while remaining in the shadows and quietly caring for you. He didn't tell you ridiculous things like you should stop crying or that Caleb wouldn't have wanted this. He simply stood and lent the support you needed to get through. He didnt think it was too much or your behavior was absurd. He let your grieve the way you wanted and let you navigate through it how you saw fit.

The second year is not any easier than the first. You're at the record store, renting a movie because you were old school like that when someone laughing two aisles down nearly makes your heart stop. It sounds exactly like how Caleb used to and you go running only to find highschoolers looking at you weird. You cry yourself to sleep that night.

Gideon comes over one weekend with a box full of his stuff that had been with him at the academy all this time and you're scared to go through it. Wonder if you're strong enough. His diary's in it, thick and bound with a string with several pages sticking out making it thicker than it was. You peek through one and notice it's the letters you wrote back. The waterworks get unleashed at full force.

The tiny sapling you'd planted has grown into a small plant by now and you water it daily. You spend even longer sitting by it and talking to it ever since you learnt that plants understand what you're telling them.

For your birthday, your coworkers and friends take you out to dinner but when you remember who is missing, you can't stop sniveling and doing your best to hold the tears in. Zayne notices first and takes you home.

His understanding grates at your heart when he pulls out a tiny cupcake and puts a candle on it. No extravagance to overwhelm you. Just enough to make it count.

"Make a wish" He whispers above the burning flame.

"I wish he was here" You whisper back.

Zayne takes your hand and squeezes "Me too" He says.

You blow out the candle.

You make a habit of drinking Caleb's prefered coffee order and the day you accidentally fall back into habit and order your own, it feels like you've committed the biggest betrayal known. It takes you several minutes to calm yourself down in the car, trying to convince yourself that you hadn't forgotten him, it was an honest mistake. You still bought his order as well. It was pretty much buy one, get one at this point. You apologize to his plant when you get home.

Weeks bleed into months and your monotonous schedule has cracks seeping through it. You go to a friend's babyshower and make it through the entire event without incident (crying). You participate in the company potlucks and bring several apple pies. You even manage to grab drinks with friends after work one day.

And like clockwork, you'd go home and straight into the backyard to tell Caleb all about it. It lifted your mood much more than you had imagined it would. Sitting in the grass with Apple curled in your lap, you'd go into detail about every little anecdote and inside joke.

It doesn't hurt any lesser that he's not here. The pain becomes...bearable. Something you've learned to live with. The heaviness in your chest will always remain but by the time the second anniversary rolls around, you've become better at handling your emotions. Flowers have started blooming in the plant and you've become adept at caring for it. Even planted other saplings around his tree to keep him company.

When Zayne offers to take you out to dinner to celebrate your official return into Hunter work, you surprise yourself by accepting the offer. You even manage to get by the entire dinner without your mood dropping and manage to smile without wanting to cry. Being happy wasn't a betrayal. Caleb wanted nothing more than that for you. The only reason you'd been upset all along was because you couldn't bear to be happy without him.

When you rediscover your old music player, you charge it and let it play all the songs Caleb had helped you add to it. You feel your eyes watering but it doesn't hurt as bad as it used to. When you realize, you can't hold back the tears. Were you erasing him?

Another year passes and the heaviness you carry around in your heart slightly eases up and you feel you can breathe so much better now. You've regularly resumed hanging out with your friends like you used to. You even land a promotion after Xavier and you defeat a rare species of wanderers. You take a vacation and go travelling with Tara. Water Caleb's plant religiously, sitting by it and gossiping every other day. Apple's vaccinations go smoothly. You even manage to grab a quick coffee with Gideon who also seems to be doing much better than when you'd seen him last. And then, there's Zayne.

Zayne.

You'd become used to him. When he'd become so integral a piece in your life, you can't pinpoint. But most of it has to do with how he took care of you during what has been the most difficult part of your life. Quietly, steadily being your pillar of support that you could lean on, count on to have your back and pick you up when you were low. On days he hadn't been able to come and check on you, he always called you before you went to bed. He'd confessed to doing it to understand if you needed a little pick me up the day after. Those nightly calls had become a ritual. Just like him picking you up and dropping you off to work on most days. You found yourself getting disappointed on days he couldn't make it. Found yourself making time during lunch to swing by the hospital and return some overdue favors when you dropped lunch or treats in his office for him.

It is only now that you realize just how busy Zayne usually was and how tiring it must've been for him to swing by your place multiple times a day in the beginning while also juggling work. How many odd shifts he'd worked just so he didn't leave you alone. Zayne never needed a lot of words to convey his emotions; his actions showed them plenty.

Being with him, smiling and laughing as you were made your heart feel lighter. You'd stopped thinking that you being happy equaled not caring that Caleb was gone. You mourned the loss, you always will. But they weren't exclusive. You could have the best day of your life and still be allowed to miss him.

Four years pass before you put a name to what had been brewing in the background between Zayne and you all these years. He hadn't pushed for anything more, had been content being by your side. But he hadn't been adept at hiding how strongly he felt for you. It was obvious in the way he went out of his way to do everything he could, so you were comfortable and safe.

When you officially start dating him, Caleb is the first one you both tell. Standing by his tree that hadn't started bearing fruit yet but stood tall and proud and unyielding. Just like Caleb.

It's what you come to love about Zayne as more time passes. He never thinks it's a ridiculous notion to want to include Caleb as much as you can help it. He doesn't ask you to take any of the pictures down, helps you sort through his things and make space for stuff you wanted to preserve. He regularly visits Caleb's resting place with you. Does his best to recreate some of his old recipes. Dances with you to music you'd grown up loving thanks to Caleb.

When he gets down on one knee, three years have passed since you first told him to stop holding back on showing his affections. It's a beautiful, rainy morning in your backyard, under Caleb's tree that had started bearing fruit that fall. When you say yes and tackle him to the ground, both of you lay in the grass and let yourself be consumed by the rain as the leaves of the tree flutter above you.

The week before your wedding, you finally muster up the courage to go through Caleb's diaries. Zayne finds you a curled-up mess in the attic, tear streaks both dried and fresh on your cheeks as you can't stop reading everything Caleb had to say. Places he saw during his transfers that he wished he could've shown you. To take you flying one day. How much he missed visiting Josephine and the fact that he'd made secret plans to surprise you with a visit before the incident. The diary entries are both obscure and heart-wrenching. Both unrelated and exactly what you needed.

During the wedding, his picture is in one of the front seats. He wasn't from any one side. He was your man of honor just as much as he was Zayne's best man. During your reception toasts, both Zayne and you mention how much you wish he'd been here. You even read a few paragraphs from his diary in his remembrance.

Remembering him doesn't hurt any lesser. As Zayne wraps a shawl around you before his arms circle you while you both gaze out at the window at Caleb's tree gently swaying in the wind, it makes you ponder at what point exactly had your throat stopped closing at the thought of his demise? When had you silently come to terms with it? There was no particular point. Days warped into months into years and the pain hadn't gone away, just numbed. Because Caleb would never truly be gone. He would live on.

In your memories, in the crevices of the life you'd built for yourself and in the pieces of your heart solely dedicated to him.

Alternate ending - Where Caleb has cheated death a second time but doesn't think it's worth the pain as he stands outside, soaked to his bones in the rain watching the woman he loves through the window, happily moved on and married to his bestfriend- angst, hurt/no comfort. 45K, slowburn (the last part's a joke, please take it like one. I don't have the capacity to write a full-fledged fic at the moment)

A/N: June is my most angsty month and posting this on my old situationship's birthday out of spite is pure menace behavior.

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