My two favorite words are, "but God". How often they can apply to seasons of our lives. Everything can be falling apart, but God....he can do anything. This blog will be dedicated to my 'but God' moments.
Found this from October 17, 2012. Thought I would share...
John 3:30 He must become greater, I must become less.
When I was young I believed that if I prayed, and sought God in everything I did then I would never date more than one person. In that area in my life, I had a plan and God was going to protect the plan and ensure that I came out having dated only one person. Honey, sometimes God has other plans and that idea that seems SO right to you, SO in line with what you think God must want for you, isn't actually the case. As it was in my case, I wrestle with God over my failed relationship. God why did you let this happen??! This is not what I would have picked for MY life! I never planned this! Notice the I's and MY's. The mistake I made in those times was I never stopped and said God what do YOU want? What are you trying to teach me/grow me in this? Remember, HE must become greater and I must become less. Oh how the flesh rebels against that one. See I believed I was perfectly justified in my frustration with God not understanding the PLAN. God what did you not understand about one boyfriend, one relationship...see that idea of one clouded my judgement and in a way I had placed this before God. My prayer was not, 'God what would you have for me, but rather, God this is what I want, please make sure to see it through.' Friend, surrender, total surrender, is NOT easy. The flesh does not want to die.
To be honest, it wasn't until the last couple of days that this has started to make more sense to me. When I finally started to grasp the idea that oh, maybe God had a different plan for me than just ensuring my comfort. What if God really did lead me into, through, and out of that relationship to grow me and change me into the person he intended me to be. What if he let me feel pain, sorrow, heartache, confusion to break me, so I could learn to rely fully on him, to trust his ways, and surrender all control. What if he let me feel pain, so I could reach out and help others going through that pain and in that way my God be glorified. You see Beloved, God sees so much more than just a momentary picture, so much more than just our momentary happiness. His ways are not our ways. Pain, heartache, sorrow... those things are not bad. Yes, they hurt. No, we do not want to go through them, but pain presents us with a new opportunity to look up to our Father and say, 'I do not understand, but I TRUST YOU!'
By God's grace alone, that is what I did. Not by my strength, but by His in me. I did not think of the words, but rather in the midst and depth of my sorrow they came to me and flowed out of my mouth and in saying them my soul surrendered, a peace that surpassed understand came in and filled me. It gave me the strength to continue to walk in what felt like darkness at time. It gave me the strength to carry on when the weight of the sorrow threatened to overtake me. My God carried me. He filled me with an understanding that it would not last forever. Filled me with the promise that he had something better. That he was good and could be trusted.
In just the two weeks I've been engaged I've already seen more than enough targeted ads at me and my body as a new and upcoming bride. Slogans like 'vow to wow' and 'shedding for the wedding' are everywhere and I've noticed I've started to turn an all too familiar critical eye at my own body. That is why I am so glad I came across beauty redefined's newest post.
A plan of attack using the strategies for rejecting harmful ideals for which Beauty Redefined is known and I got to work “shedding for the wedding” – NOT shedding weight, but shedding all those lies I’d heard from the time I was a teenager about what I had to look like to be happy on my wedding day.
She is right and in honor of my new goal this year to stop criticizing my body and accept myself as a beautiful and wonderful creation of my King, I am going to also plan to shed for the wedding. No, not my weight, but every lie I have and will be subject to that tells me the number on the scale is an accurate determiner of my worth and value.
Always Check the Lock! -Awkward Moment of the Week
I learned a lesson this week! One that I will not soon forget. Let me share my new wisdom. Always, always, always check the lock on a door before you decide it is broken! Seems simple right? Well, apparently not to me. This morning at work, on of our glass doors would not open, since we use a key card to unlock our doors, I assumed the problem was with the locking mechanism at the top of the door and promptly emailed the President of the company we sublease from to request this be fixed ASAP!
When I came back from lunch that afternoon crowded around my desk were both of my VP's and our sublease President laughing and shaking their heads. What were they laughing about you say? Oh just the fact that I never thought to check the lock at the bottom of the door which easily turned. They even pushed open the door for emphasis.
This, then, is rape culture: it’s a world where sexual violence against women is normalized and even defended; where the victim is blamed and the perpetrator is merely a victim of insurmountable temptation. It’s a culture wherein it is okay to commodify a woman’s body; where cat-calling is supposed to be considered a compliment; where students joke about an exam anally raping them; where comedians play the threat of rape for laughs. It’s a world where a woman can get fired for being distractingly attractive and where posting “trigger warnings” before descriptive articles to brace victims for the possibility of flashbacks is an unfortunate reality.
As I read this article it stuck out to me that I too have been affected by our 'rape culture'. Just recently I realized I have not been catcalled or shouted at in the last few months and wondered if I was less attractive and if I should be doing more. Kinda sad, when I look at that in text form. I took someone who did not see me as anything more than a pretty face, an object to judge and shout at to be a mark on myself, my worth, my looks, my style... Think about it, do you feel a twinge of guilt when you decide you will not be putting on makeup? Do you feel the need to hide in a corner when you don't dress 'up'? Up for me was heels and figure con shirts. Fellow women, sisters, we are short changing ourselves and buying into the lie that our value comes primarily from what we look like. We are worth so much more! We can do so much more!
'Part of growing up female today means learning to view oneself from another’s gaze.' We get so wrapped up in being worried about what people think when they see us, we diminish what we are able to do, what we see, and miss opportunities God has laid out for us. I have held back and remained silent simply because I felt intimidated by prettier people in the room. In those moments I bought into the lie that as a woman my credibility and worth mainly comes from how put together I appear at a given moment. HOW SAD! I have not pursued friendships because the other girl had better hair or better clothes or was thinner and I did not want to be her frumpy, frizzy haired friend that she felt sorry for. This year, my goal has been to focus less on how I look and how others look at me and more on what God has planned for me and where he is calling.
Let this be our goal this year, that with God's help we begin to focus more on what his plan is for us, the places he wants us to go, the people he wants us to meet, all the while trusting that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, without the constant help of makeup, push up bras and heels.
Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend-Beauty from Pain
Oh how marvelous those moments are when God provides the words and a mutual sharing and healing takes place. One thing I have learned, Beloved, is we are not alone! Solomon really is right in Ecclesiastes 1:9 when he says, "what has done will be done again, there is nothing new under the sun." What a relief that is for me! Most of my darkest moments were so dark, because I believed that I was alone. I bought the lie that no one would understand me! That my problem or wound was unique.
As women, we tend to think of ourselves as damaged if we have been through any type of trauma or less than ideal life experience, but have you ever stopped to realize that that experience helped shape you into the woman you are. That if we will turn it over to our Savior, he can take it and form something truly remarkable. Every girl should a least once in her life, stare into a large clear cut diamond. It is truly mesmerizing! A multi-faceted, beauty that though you wouldn't know from looking at it, has its own unique story of pain to tell and with it comes its own unique story of triumph, victory. For you see, it was not crushed! It was not beaten! It pulled through, came out on top and is a wonder to behold.
So we are in the hands of our Almighty God. When surrender to God, we each have our own story of pain, that though unique is not new or unrelatable and with it a beautiful story of triumph and victory. Beloved, trust your wounds to God, trust that our skilled diamond cutter will produce a wonder to behold...that wonder being you!
I actually met Chris the very first time I went to Watermark. Daniel, a mutual friend had asked me several times to come with him and that Sunday fresh from a breakup and still relatively new to Dallas, I went. Chris remembers our first meeting more than I do, there were SO MANY PEOPLE! I think we just said hi, it was as far as I remember relatively uneventful and much like many of the other introductions happening, as Daniel showed me around. It wasn't until a week later when I went to the Porch that Chris made it onto my radar. I was LATE! I hate being late! So stressed and hurried, I rushed in and grabbed a seat next to Daniel and in the process also ended up sitting next to Chris. I was so frazzled from being late and missing worship that I didn't even acknowledge his presence, he was just someone who happened to be sitting next to me, as I didn't recognize him from last weeks introductions...Thankfully, I was not alone...He thought my name was Rachel.
After the Porch a group went out to eat at Chuy's and trying to get to know more people I went along. Daniel, Chris and I carpooled. Chris WOULD. NOT. STOP. TALKING! OMGosh! I remember thinking, "Daniel, it's time to turn up the stereo..." At the restaurant Chris pulled out all the stops while we were waiting for our table. He showed me awkward hermit crab, awkward, snail, awkward palm tree and awkward palm tree in a hurricane. I was standing there thinking,'Oh my gosh, this guy is a freak, get me away!' That night he was seemingly attached at the hip, even with me trying to avoid him, I somehow got stuck right next to him with our friend all the way on the other end of the table. In the hour conversation that ensued, he hit every single land mine you can hit in conversation and he still kept chugging along. This guy had NO shame!
I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow he got me to accept his Facebook friend request and there ensued a daily text conversation. I thought of him as a friend, a quirky, interesting, friend who knew a lot of people at Watermark and made me feel less alone at parties when I would jump from conversation to conversation. I have no idea why I accepted his request to go out for Sushi and a movie. I don't even like sushi and was not too interested in seeing John Carter. Two dates later, we found ourselves out at the Harbor District in Rock wall sharing our stories with each other. I thought that was the last I would here of him, so he surprised me when I woke up the next morning and say he had immediately sent me a message saying he enjoyed getting to know me better and would like to see me again, and I guess after that it was history.
Chris was and is unlike anyone I have ever met before. He is tender, understanding and patient. He came in knowing it was going to be hard and stayed when it did. He had to work harder than he should have to earn my trust and because of his patience, I have had the opportunity to grow and learn and trust as I never have before. He was patient, never angry with me for my limitations and patiently reminded me again and again he was there.
I have had the blessing of watching him grow this year as an individual. I am truly blessed to have someone who is a strong spiritual leader. Someone who will not let me talk him out of church because I'm tired. Someone whose heart is to serve and help those who have less than we do. He is strong physical leader. He never pushes me or pressures me. He is patient, knowing that that is something to be saved for the person we will marry one day. We kissed early in our relationship and then stopped, because we wanted to get to know each other without that clouding, replacing, or stunting that process. It was hard, but in that process, I learned to trust his stubborn nature, really to trust him. That enabled me to not be anxious when around him, feeling like if I wasn't on guard we would go too far. No, he had this, I just had to follow. When he kissed me again and brought that back into our relationship, I have been able to trust him with that too. Knowing that he knows the time frame, knowing that he will not bring it in too early so it becomes a burden.
He is my best friend. He sees me at my worst and my best. He knows my hurts and my fears. He seeks to encourage and uplift. He chooses to see the best in me, even when I'm acting my worst. He knows how to pull me out of my funk, how to remind me that I don't need to be THAT upset without shaming me or causing me embarrassment in anyway.
Thank you, Chris! This last year has been a fun filled journey! One that I hope never has an end!
How terrifying the idea of being abandoned is. Being left. All alone. In the dark. In the cold. To have someone walk away
Women possess a void. A deep aching void. Where did this come from? Well, like most things, we can trace the origin of this void back to the Fall spoken of in Genesis. I love the way Staci Eldredge words it in Captivating.
...the curse for Eve and all her daughters can not be limited only to babies and marriage... The meaning is deeper and the implications are for [everyone]. Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control, and with the dominance of men... Captivating, pg 51
Think about it, what hurts us the most? Aren't the things we long the most for and the source of our heartaches connected to someone? They are relational in nature. They cut us the deepest, hurt the longest, and can have long term effects. Even in a good relationship when everything is going well, is it ever enough? Is your vast capacity for intimacy ever completely and lastingly filled?
There is an emptiness in us that we continually try to feed.
Captivating, 51
Ladies, do we not daily struggle with control? Are you ever completely 100% comfortable with letting go? It seems there is always something somewhere in the back of our minds nagging us. It certainly doesn't help that the culture we live in pushes us to be fake. We need to push harder. Women, we are not inviting as we were created to be- we are guarded!
Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves and control our worlds to have some sense of security.
Captivating, pg 51
Satan loves to haunt us with the sense that we are not enough and yet too much.
We seek the answer to our hearts question (am I captivating?) and Satan is sure that we in some way shape or form are told NO! Not a quiet no, but a loud, terrible, almost impossible to ignore no. Final, definite and beyond questioning...., but it doesn't have to be. You see there are two plans for our lives, God's and Satan's. We need to be close enough to God to be able to recognize the difference. This no, is not something we can combat on our own. Only God can answer our question and fill the void.
Don't believe me. Think about the culture we live in. Are we not constantly told we are not enough and yet too much. Ladies, are we not bombarded with the idea we are not thin enough, pretty enough, blonde enough, smart enough, stylish enough? We are also told that we are too emotional, too mushy, too feminine, too strong, too weak.... and that's just for starters. My word! What is a woman to do?!?!
Well, there are not 10 steps to being more vulnerable, less needy, less afraid. There is just one solution, it is one we here everyday from our Christian friends, trust God. No not the, 'Oh you'll be ok, just trust God' speech! No, beloved, this is different. You can not trust God if you do not know him. You have to know him... I'm talking about a real relationship.
Think about someone you know always will be there for you; someone you don't have to worry or guard your words when you talk to them because you know they know you and love you. How did you get to that point? It didn't happen overnight! It happened as you shared life together. Well, guess what? Trusting God is the same way. You have to walk with him and spend time in the word. To be honest, I didn't really begin to know God until the end of a relationship and with it the loss of my friends. I turned to God, broken, shaken and wounded and he met me there.
The only way to live without being crippled by the fear of abandonment is to put God first! He has to come first, only that way, beloved, will the void be filled. Only then can we be the woman we are called to be.
The Resolution-Strength, Dignity, and Laughing without Fear
Face your fears. It is something we have grown up hearing. How many of us really do this though? Of those that do, how many do this the right way? Do we even know what that is?
Why is it that sometimes God, in His infinite wisdom, does not let us ease into something? I prayed that prayer January 1st and on February 11th, God led me through one of the most painful experiences of my life and challenged my deepest, darkest fear....abandonment.
I remember telling God that there was no way I could do it. Feb 10th, I was on the ground in a fetal position sobbing and in broken words crying out to God. Over and over again, I told Him, 'I can't do this, it will kill me!' I fought and wrestled within, unable to force myself to accept what was going on. At some point that night, God brought to memory past experiences He had proved Himself faithful, only with His help was I able to resign myself, and pray the prayer that rose up in my heart, "God, not my will, but your will be done. I want what you want more." What a terrifying prayer! But, oh, the peace that came flooding in! It was the first time I experienced a peace that surpasses all understanding, that Christians hear so much about. That peace was my blessing and protection, it gave me the ability to acceptingly move forward. God came in and gave me the strength to walk through each day, the strength to believe that the constant pain was only temporary, the strength to realize the tears that came like a flood would come to an eventual end. God gave me the faith to believe that "it won't be like this for long", as Darius Rucker would say. (Country Fan)
Oh, how difficult that time was! How painful! But God, (there I go saying those wonderfully powerful two little words again!) God in His kindness walked with me, carried me when I couldn't walk, and healed me. In my brokenness and pain, God drew near and mended my heart and in doing so taught me that though men may fail me, He has promised to never leave or forsake me. Oh, the freedom that comes from wholeheartedly trusting in my Saviour! Oh, the joy we come to possess when we let go and let God!
Dear One, do not be afraid when difficulties, heartaches, and trials come your way. Do not quake in fear! If you are a Christ-follower, you are promised that you will never be alone. Oh, Beloved, how sufficient our Saviour's grace is! Who could know the depths of it? When life happens, do not blame God, rather turn and run to your Saviour! Call on Him and He will be there, for in our sufferings He draws close. He is ever near, always present and oh, the amazing comfort He is!
See we are not promised an easy life, the world we live in is a fallen one, painful things are going to happen, but we are promised that in those times where we can't see ahead and are afraid to take even a step, that God's grace is sufficient, His strength is enough, and His love... Oh, that love that heals so beautifully. Love that can mend broken hearts in ways unforeseen, that can come into a situation where even the idea of a solution can not even be found, pick up the pieces and put them back together in ways that were not even fathomable! Love that heals, restores, and makes whole! Oh, Dear One, do not be afraid of heartache, sometimes God introduces it into our lives to break us down, so He can build us back up into the person He has called and designed us to be. He promises to never leave or forsake us and I can attest to the fact that in our most terrifying and painful moments, He is there and He is not silent!
Oh, how sweet and comforting His presence is when I allow Him to draw near to me in the midst of the hell that this world can put me through. So don't be afraid to dance! Accept the Saviours invitation and watch just how beautiful and precious that dance will become!
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