I keep what I can of you @unlonely - Tumblr Blog

in the middle of switching anti depressants hoping that i can get rid of these super vivid dreams. my mood, however, is not the best. i'm trying to work on my stupid professional development classes for a lane change at least. i also feel like summer will be over so fast and am not excited about the school year starting.

#prsnl #womp womp

finally on our california vacation :) we spent yesterday in malibu and it was wonderful. going down to laguna today. i am discovering that dave is not as adventurous as me on vacation and also isn't a get up and go person, which is a little bit of a bummer because doing stuff in the morning is so much easier and less busy. i also planned literally everything. but it's fine and i'm still having fun, just adjusting my expectations. i'm used to being in cali with my mom and we are both morning adventure people.

i love it here so much though and almost cried driving on the pch like three times yesterday because it's so goddamn beautiful and i have always felt like i belong here. i was born in orange county but my parents moved back to mn when i was seven months old so i never got to properly live here. maybe someday.

#prsnl

sometimes i miss working in hospice but it's so different when it's your own family and you can't turn your work/therapeutic brain off.

also being misgendered by my entire family is fucking awful but it's not really the time to correct them while we are literally watching my grandfather die. i've just been around them so much lately and everyone is happy and excited for my wedding next year but my mom even said something about the dress i would wear for it when i literally told her i don't want to wear a dress and just. like i shaved my hair off and am the gayest i have ever looked but am still The Eldest Daughter and i hate it sometimes.

#prsnl

my grandpa is very close to the end of his life and it just suuucks watching people die. we got him home and comfortable though which is all you can ask for i guess.

my routine for this summer has been very not happening though and i hope i can remedy that soon. i am so grateful to not be working but it is difficult to not just dwell on death etc all day.

#prsnl

my brain is very stuck on wedding shit rn and i think we have a venue !!! (mother co plants! small and cute and PLANTS!)

so i'm shifting my attention to what i'm gonna wear and holy shit being a plus size non binary bitch w no boobs getting married SUCKS. i kinda want a jumpsuit or just like cute linen suit but not a zillion dollars. no idea where to start.

also i did just start mounjaro this week after my bad bad experience with wegovy and that could change things in the next year so i probably shouldn't even be worrying about my wedding fit yet but my god.

#prsnl

findlight

Hazel McNab, Rockpool, Cape Cornwall, linocut.

i decided i wouldn't start thinking about wedding planning until the school year is over. well today was the last day of school and i've been researching venues for two hours 🙃

50ish people, no alcohol necessary, good food, under 10k...but i also want the vibes/aesthetic to be nice but don't want to spend months on fb marketplace looking for place settings or archway thingies or whatever.

well at least i have the whole summer to continue researching.

and good fucking riddance to this past school year.

#prsnl

things:

- new tattoo! lil salmon on my arm. love him.

- saw people writing on my dead friend's facebook wall for his birthday. it was fucked up and i need to write a poem about it.

- nine school days left. i am suffering at work but so is everyone else at least?

- i want to start thinking about wedding planning but will wait until aforementioned nine days are over.

- my acne is so bad rn and i know it's just the testosterone but i hate it. also since my fiancé got a vasectomy a month ago i should be able to maybe go off birth control soon but am terrified of having my period again. i have a feeling that three pumps of testosterone gel a day isn't gonna hack it when it comes to stopping my disgusting and very heavy terrible period. ew.

- and as i'm typing this i'm wondering if i should get a hysterectomy since ive hit my deductible already and am sure my out of pocket max isn't too much...but also ew major surgery.

#prsnl

okay i'm reading my first sally rooney book (intermezzo) and have come close to DNF ing a few times because of the writing style (which I understand makes sense for the characters but it's hard to read) and because like. I know adults think about sex a lot but does EVERY fuckin chapter/section/whatever need to revolve around some kind of sexual encounter or whatever? it's a bit much. also straight men protagonists = ew.

might still finish the book though idk.

#prsnl

I'm engaged!!! Dave picked up the ring last Thursday (with our kid Lily) and between hiding it from her and me being impatient...we just kinda decided on Friday night to make it official.

I'm not gonna worry about wedding planning because we are gonna have the most chill wedding possible. Probably at the end of next summer sometime. In a park and then just catering a restaurant we like. Super chill.

I just can't believe I found my person and have so much of my life figured out now?

I did not get the job at the VA which sucks but god apparently wants me to be in education so I'm trying to make plans for the summer. I'm gonna join a gym and slowly phase out my personal training so I can start going myself and just become a muscle mommy (non binary edition). Literally won't have anything else to do! Besides look for classes to take so I can make more money at work.

My mood is finally trending in a more positive direction as we get closer to the end of the school year too.

ANYWAY LOOK AT MY GAY RING IT IS SO PERF

#prsnl

i've always hated swimming bc body dysmorphia but today i went swimming for the first time in maybe like ten years and def the first time since top surgery and oh man did it feel good to be in the water

#prsnl #i do still want to learn how to properly swim laps and shit #but some of the magic of my childhood having the pool to myself came back for a minute

how do people maintain friendships/make friends while parenting? i feel like if it was just my partner and i, i would have been better about reaching out to people since moving in with him. but having a kid around, especially on the weekend, has really taken all social energy and motivation away. i'm scared i've ruined every close friendship i have and am not sure if i should try to keep seeing people who haven't responded the last few times i've tried to reach out or just make friends with other parents. but that's hard too.

#prsnl

things:

- losing my best friend (in a she is disappointed in me and won't communicate w me anymore way) is still fucking me up real bad. it was her birthday recently and i didn't reach out because she didn't reach out on my birthday two months ago, and the ball is very much in her court for communication. but god it hurts so much, especially knowing there's literally nothing i can do because i've tried everything.

- my custom engagement ring should be ready by the end of the month(!!!!!!). we are planning to wait til our vacation to CA in july for the proposal but like. idk if i will be able to wait that long knowing the ring exists and is in my bf's possession.

- i had an interview with the VA hospital last thursday that went pretty well. i interviewed with them four years ago and wanted the job sooo bad and was very close to getting it, but didn't. so figured another try wouldn't hurt now that i'm settled into my school district job. waiting to hear back is torture though. i just want to work with adults again.

- been reading a lot again and just finished chain gang all-stars. it was excellent and really fucked up. only recommend if you're in an okay place mentally and emotionally.

#prsnl