I keep what I can of you

cal, 33, they/them. caffeinated musician.

[unlonely]

i decided i wouldn't start thinking about wedding planning until the school year is over. well today was the last day of school and i've been researching venues for two hours 🙃

50ish people, no alcohol necessary, good food, under 10k...but i also want the vibes/aesthetic to be nice but don't want to spend months on fb marketplace looking for place settings or archway thingies or whatever.

well at least i have the whole summer to continue researching.

and good fucking riddance to this past school year.

[unlonely]

things:

- new tattoo! lil salmon on my arm. love him.

- saw people writing on my dead friend's facebook wall for his birthday. it was fucked up and i need to write a poem about it.

- nine school days left. i am suffering at work but so is everyone else at least?

- i want to start thinking about wedding planning but will wait until aforementioned nine days are over.

- my acne is so bad rn and i know it's just the testosterone but i hate it. also since my fiancé got a vasectomy a month ago i should be able to maybe go off birth control soon but am terrified of having my period again. i have a feeling that three pumps of testosterone gel a day isn't gonna hack it when it comes to stopping my disgusting and very heavy terrible period. ew.

- and as i'm typing this i'm wondering if i should get a hysterectomy since ive hit my deductible already and am sure my out of pocket max isn't too much...but also ew major surgery.

[unlonely]

okay i'm reading my first sally rooney book (intermezzo) and have come close to DNF ing a few times because of the writing style (which I understand makes sense for the characters but it's hard to read) and because like. I know adults think about sex a lot but does EVERY fuckin chapter/section/whatever need to revolve around some kind of sexual encounter or whatever? it's a bit much. also straight men protagonists = ew.

might still finish the book though idk.

[unlonely]

I'm engaged!!! Dave picked up the ring last Thursday (with our kid Lily) and between hiding it from her and me being impatient...we just kinda decided on Friday night to make it official.

I'm not gonna worry about wedding planning because we are gonna have the most chill wedding possible. Probably at the end of next summer sometime. In a park and then just catering a restaurant we like. Super chill.

I just can't believe I found my person and have so much of my life figured out now?

I did not get the job at the VA which sucks but god apparently wants me to be in education so I'm trying to make plans for the summer. I'm gonna join a gym and slowly phase out my personal training so I can start going myself and just become a muscle mommy (non binary edition). Literally won't have anything else to do! Besides look for classes to take so I can make more money at work.

My mood is finally trending in a more positive direction as we get closer to the end of the school year too.

ANYWAY LOOK AT MY GAY RING IT IS SO PERF

[unlonely]

i've always hated swimming bc body dysmorphia but today i went swimming for the first time in maybe like ten years and def the first time since top surgery and oh man did it feel good to be in the water

[unlonely]

how do people maintain friendships/make friends while parenting? i feel like if it was just my partner and i, i would have been better about reaching out to people since moving in with him. but having a kid around, especially on the weekend, has really taken all social energy and motivation away. i'm scared i've ruined every close friendship i have and am not sure if i should try to keep seeing people who haven't responded the last few times i've tried to reach out or just make friends with other parents. but that's hard too.

[unlonely]

things:

- losing my best friend (in a she is disappointed in me and won't communicate w me anymore way) is still fucking me up real bad. it was her birthday recently and i didn't reach out because she didn't reach out on my birthday two months ago, and the ball is very much in her court for communication. but god it hurts so much, especially knowing there's literally nothing i can do because i've tried everything.

- my custom engagement ring should be ready by the end of the month(!!!!!!). we are planning to wait til our vacation to CA in july for the proposal but like. idk if i will be able to wait that long knowing the ring exists and is in my bf's possession.

- i had an interview with the VA hospital last thursday that went pretty well. i interviewed with them four years ago and wanted the job sooo bad and was very close to getting it, but didn't. so figured another try wouldn't hurt now that i'm settled into my school district job. waiting to hear back is torture though. i just want to work with adults again.

- been reading a lot again and just finished chain gang all-stars. it was excellent and really fucked up. only recommend if you're in an okay place mentally and emotionally.

[urgetocreate]

Grzegorz Jacek Olejniczak (Polish b.1968), Before the Storm, 2025, Oil on canvas

[heartsl0b]

breakfast at the window

[itsmissing]

ice cream truck blasting gymnopedie no. 1 while a bunch of really forlorn children chase after it

[huariqueje]

Pastel Whispers - Line Holtegaard

Danish , b, 1980 -

Oil and acrylic on canvas , 120 x 100 cm.

[unlonely]

things:

- easter cannot come soon enough i am so stressed about it. being a worship leader is all fun and games unless there's a big ass holiday and you're coordinating with another church.

- it's also conference time at work leading up to easter (which is also the beginning of our vERY late spring break) which makes things extra stressful. because i have to be at conferences but also do not have a) a classroom b)meeting times. so i just hang with the teachers i work with usually. who also only have nine kids per class and have so many IEP meetings in the spring anyway that no one comes to conferences.

- i am two days into taking wegovy. i felt sort of morally conflicted for a while but i only pay thirty bucks a month for it and i really really don't want to buy new clothes. that's like. the main reason i'm on it. last year's pants don't fit and going clothes shopping sounds like a literal nightmare.

praying for no gross stomach problem side effects though.

- my custom engagement ring is getting stones ordered for it and i'm excited!!! can't wait to show y'all when it's done.

[unlonely]

currently feeling like i have zero friends who want to actually spend time with me but i don't really have much social energy atm anyway!!!! so???!!!!!

still trying really hard to work on my health at the moment and stay afloat at work and function SLIGHTLY at home so. life is still a lot.

[unlonely]

took the last day and a half off work to...sleep? i've been so fucking tired again and idk why because there are soooo many things it could be! burnout! my city still having 1000 ICE agents! iron levels! my anti depressants ruining my sleep! grief! who knows.

getting labs done next week to rule out physical stuff. still feeling like garbage. dave is also having a hard time with work and parenting. i'm trying to help but it's hard when i'm also in a bad way.

hoping we get more hints of real spring soon. and i took this weekend off church so having a real restful sunday for once should also help.

[unlonely]

i hate to be like this but getting a personal trainer was one of the best decisions i've ever made for myself. it's only been a month and i look forward to my twice a week sessions so much. getting strong to fight fascism, hell yeah.

[unlonely]

I'm so tired and can't sleep. This is probably either due to 1) the state of the world, especially locally and/or 2) my desvenlafaxine. I do NOT want to switch anti depressants again. Maybe cutting down on coffee or taking the meds at a different time would help?

[unlonely]

haven't posted in a while because it feels like there's nothing to say, and seeing other people posting tumblr shit as usual feels weird when my home is under occupation and people are being killed and abducted.

i'm trying to donate money where i can and am struggling with wanting to help more but also knowing i'm not a going to protests person and i need to keep showing up for my students and my own child.

also makes it hard to be upset my car won't start at all so i need to get it towed tomorrow. or be excited about having an appointment to start designing my engagement ring on valentine's day.

keep minnesota in your prayers and keep telling the truth about the horrible shit happening here.