book meme :// dead astronauts by jeff vandermeer
( lightly edited to fit structure; change pronouns/tenses as necessary. )
there will be a terrible price to be paid. but i will pay it.
perhaps one day a certain kind of failure might be enough.
i remember you. you were a dream i had. a dream i made. that’s all you are.
i think you are beautiful.
no one should have to feel responsible for the entire world.
who knows what is truth, and what is story?
i will protect you forever and a day as i am able.
you know me and now i remember me. but i don’t know you.
it doesn’t matter what i would’ve done. only what i did.
what is a person but someone who turned monstrous, anyway? what is a person but a kind of demon?
it’s all right. you already told me what to do.
why should it hurt so much?
maybe i’ve always known you.
in the end, i loved the world, so i remained in the world.
there is nothing i could have told you that would’ve made a difference. nothing at all.
you’re a monster just like the rest of them.
you have to open your heart to as much as you can. as much as you can stand. no matter the cost.
most days, all i have is reality, which is nonsense too.
in truth, some demons were once people who did bad things but knew better. in truth, people were demons when they didn’t know any better.
don’t you want to be revealed?
if the world is to live, we must make better things.
would knowing be too much?
did you ever have a need so great that the vestiges of your mission existed even if you weren’t sure you did?
did you ever believe you were a ghost?
nothing thrives without being broken.
agony repeated so many times is a different kind of suffering.
it could be he liked to hurt me and there was no one to stop him.
how could this not be hell?
i know all the stories are really about me.
i’m out of place. i’m not meant to be here.
i’ve learned to like it here. it’s quiet. i can be alone.
i am worth something. i am not just a monster.
it hurt somewhere so basic, so plain, so laid bare, that i could not hide from it.
my body knew what my mind did not.
i was a mind tumbling end over end until the halt.
someday i’ll kill you and that will be beautiful.
in time i escaped, yes. but i wasn’t free.
not being alive is too much to bear.
maybe it was a nightmare or dream. maybe it was just a story.
do you think i could do that?
can you not distinguish truth from fiction? or were you never taught the difference?
killing is easy. i think that’s why people do it so much.
when i’m gone, what will remain?
in the end, joy cannot fend off evil. joy can only remind you why you fight.
if you change the enemy enough, if you wear them down, perhaps losing is good enough.
oh, my love, what will i do without you?
i will always be there. even before i know you. even after i know you. even then.
